Do I inform my mother that her estranged father passed away?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me and I wish someone would’ve told me. I found out my estranged parent died on the internet when I happened to google them. Their family didn’t even bother to tell me they’d died. If I found out that someone in my own family knew but didn’t tell me, I would be incredibly hurt. It was awful finding out the way I did.

If this bothered you so much, why was there no attempt to end the estrangement?

Your question presumes the estrangement was my doing. And no, it's not always a "two-way street." Besides, it wasn't so much that the person died--it was that their other family couldn't even be bothered to tell me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me and I wish someone would’ve told me. I found out my estranged parent died on the internet when I happened to google them. Their family didn’t even bother to tell me they’d died. If I found out that someone in my own family knew but didn’t tell me, I would be incredibly hurt. It was awful finding out the way I did.

If this bothered you so much, why was there no attempt to end the estrangement?

Your question presumes the estrangement was my doing. And no, it's not always a "two-way street." Besides, it wasn't so much that the person died--it was that their other family couldn't even be bothered to tell me.

But they didn’t tell you no matter how or when you finally found out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me and I wish someone would’ve told me. I found out my estranged parent died on the internet when I happened to google them. Their family didn’t even bother to tell me they’d died. If I found out that someone in my own family knew but didn’t tell me, I would be incredibly hurt. It was awful finding out the way I did.

If this bothered you so much, why was there no attempt to end the estrangement?

Your question presumes the estrangement was my doing. And no, it's not always a "two-way street." Besides, it wasn't so much that the person died--it was that their other family couldn't even be bothered to tell me.

But they didn’t tell you no matter how or when you finally found out.

That's correct. It was a sh***y thing for them to do. That's what made it upsetting. I'm not sure what point you are trying to make.

[Anonymous]

You tell her. It's been decades. If she would be "devastated" she would have done something to reach out. And, if she hasn't made an effort in decades but would be devastated, it's probably best she realize she has little time and a lot of work to reach out to anyone left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me and I wish someone would’ve told me. I found out my estranged parent died on the internet when I happened to google them. Their family didn’t even bother to tell me they’d died. If I found out that someone in my own family knew but didn’t tell me, I would be incredibly hurt. It was awful finding out the way I did.

If this bothered you so much, why was there no attempt to end the estrangement?

Your question presumes the estrangement was my doing. And no, it's not always a "two-way street." Besides, it wasn't so much that the person died--it was that their other family couldn't even be bothered to tell me.

Nobody knows your history here. But, if you weren't on good terms with their other family you can't be surprised they didn't look you up to find you just to give you bad news. That's not a call anyone wants to make and they aren't going to do it if they think it's going to open Pandora's box.

[Anonymous]

This is why you shouldn’t estrange yourself from your family.

[Anonymous]

I really want to know what was on the podcast!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Probable fake post. Anecdotally, unless you are prepared to help your mom work through the devastation you say she will experience if you tell her, stay out of it and act surprised when she does find out.

OP here. Omg it’s not a fake post! Please stop! Why does everyone always think everything is a fake post? This isn’t even remotely scandalous. Just stop!

New poster here.

"Please stop!" "Just stop!" This is dramatic, controlling language and I'm even more convinced it's a story in someone's mind. In the first place, when you start a topic, you can't dictate how people respond to it and DCUM has plenty of trolls inventing stories for the laughs. In second place, what are the odds that you randomly heard of a grandfather's passing on a podcast. A podcast? It'd be more plausible if you'd mentioned reading his obituary in the paper.

In real life of course you'd tell her. Now, if this was my book, she is a woman with "issues" to put it politely and who walked away from her family and refuses to keep in touch. They are effectively already dead to her. Why would she be so devastated by the news of the death of a father she refuses to keep in touch with? And if she would be upset, keep in mind she long made clear to the family she wants nothing to do with them or be part of the family, so they have no obligations to her either. Reaping the consequences of her actions.

[Anonymous]

Why on earth would you tell her? Don’t tell people things you find out from Googling. That applies to exhusbands getting remarried, childhood homes burning down, estranged fathers dying. This is not hard. You googled something because of YOUR curiosity. Don’t dump the information you found on her.

And this is a PSA to everyone — if you have a loved one with severe trauma in their lives, don’t go poking around in their trauma on Google. You might find something you wish you didn’t know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why you shouldn’t estrange yourself from your family.

What a weird take lots of people on this thread have. If the father sexually assaulted her for years, for example, it’s understandable and healthy that she estranged herself from him. And also understandable that she’d had big feelings when he died.

[Anonymous]

I would tell her. She’ll find out eventually. It will be a blow but anyone estranged from their family is experienced in dealing with emotional hits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Probable fake post. Anecdotally, unless you are prepared to help your mom work through the devastation you say she will experience if you tell her, stay out of it and act surprised when she does find out.

OP here. Omg it’s not a fake post! Please stop! Why does everyone always think everything is a fake post? This isn’t even remotely scandalous. Just stop!

New poster here.

"Please stop!" "Just stop!" This is dramatic, controlling language and I'm even more convinced it's a story in someone's mind. In the first place, when you start a topic, you can't dictate how people respond to it and DCUM has plenty of trolls inventing stories for the laughs. In second place, what are the odds that you randomly heard of a grandfather's passing on a podcast. A podcast? It'd be more plausible if you'd mentioned reading his obituary in the paper.

In real life of course you'd tell her. Now, if this was my book, she is a woman with "issues" to put it politely and who walked away from her family and refuses to keep in touch. They are effectively already dead to her. Why would she be so devastated by the news of the death of a father she refuses to keep in touch with? And if she would be upset, keep in mind she long made clear to the family she wants nothing to do with them or be part of the family, so they have no obligations to her either. Reaping the consequences of her actions.

OP here. My grandfather had an obscure name. I was listening to a podcast and one of the people mentioned shared the same, obscure name. It’s not a name you often hear, so it made me think of my grandfather, made me realize how old he’d be, and prompted me to look him up.

I still haven’t told my mother, and I’m not going to. Someone unthread said it best, that one day she will do the math and find out for herself. For now, I’ll allow her the bliss of ignorance. She will absolutely be devastated that her father didn’t reach out to her before he died.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you should tell her.

I am estranged from my sister. A big fear of mine is her getting sick and dying and me not knowing.

That's twisted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother hasn’t spoken to her family in decades. In the past, one of her siblings will reach out when someone has passed away, as they did with her grandmother, two brothers, and then her mother. It appears no one contacted her about her father dying because just a couple of weeks ago she was talking about how a large storm passed through the town where her father lives, but he passed away this past January. My grandfather had a unique name which I heard on a podcast, and it prompted a strange and urgent curiosity in me to search his name, and that’s how I found out.

I think it will devastate my mother that not only is her father dead, but will confirm that he never tried to reach out in his illness (he died after a long sickness), and that nobody cared enough to inform her of his passing. There is a LOT of history there, childhood trauma, unresolved hurt. I don’t think I should tell her, but at the same time, this feels like a heavy burden. She mentions him occasionally, I think she hopes/hoped he will reach out to her before he dies/died, and now it’s too late.

If I keep this a secret and let her discover this on her own, how should I act the next time she brings him up?

It might release her from the stress of estrangement or might burden her with guilt of abandonment. However, honesty is the best policy.

[Anonymous]

I was extremely irritated when my grandmother reached out to tell me that biodaddy was about to kick the bucket. I was on another continent, and have not spoken to them since I was 11. I really did not care. I did not need to know. The story had a twist - biodaddy told his son from the second marriage that he had a daughter (dying bed confession). Half brother is still traumatized 30 years later that he had been in the dark about me. We are good friends. Biodaddy was shit.