Parental perspective on dating, relationships and marriages

[Anonymous]

In your opinion why dating has become so hard for younger generations, relationships complicated and marriage a rare occurrence often ending in divorce? People seem to date a lot, have several relationships and not marry until mid to late 30's, yet end up with people they don't really know and can build a harmonious life with?

[Anonymous]

Imho, no. Not buying your premise.

[Anonymous]

Exhibt A DCUM relationship forum

[Anonymous]

Millennial here. My brother in law is in his mid-30s and has only ever dated, mostly non-seriously. He had one serious girlfriend when he was 31, they met each others' parents, and they even talked about getting married. But ultimately, they didn't have the same idea of what a relationship is. She wanted to party and go out with him and all their friends all the time, and he sometimes wanted to spend time with just her.

What I've seen is a sort of unwillingness to grow with another person. Relationships require a lot of compromise and what I see most from my brother in law and other people I know who date, but don't settle down (whether that's marriage or just long-term relationships), seems to be a basic misunderstanding of relationships. He seems to expect to find a fully-developed person who complements his own fully-developed self, like his mindset is "I am who I am and you are who you are and we either work together as a couple or we don't, but neither of us is going to do work on ourselves to make this relationship successful."

On one hand, it's great to know yourself, and those people are less likely to lose their sense of self in a relationship. On the other hand, two people who want to share a life have to be willing to compromise.

[Anonymous]

In prior generations, most people had fewer options. They married the first person they got along with and were attracted to. Demands on each person were not as high as now, and people had more family around to help and ease the parental burden.
Now, people who pursue financial stability prior to marriage have to wait longer. They are looking for a great relationship/companion rather than the “god enough” of prior years.

[Anonymous]

Dating apps make it seem like you have endless options. So maybe the person you're dating is ok, but what if a better one exists just a few swipes away?

It's an illusion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In prior generations, most people had fewer options. They married the first person they got along with and were attracted to. Demands on each person were not as high as now, and people had more family around to help and ease the parental burden.
Now, people who pursue financial stability prior to marriage have to wait longer. They are looking for a great relationship/companion rather than the “god enough” of prior years.

Which is fine but having too many options is also confusing and people aren't finding compatible partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dating apps make it seem like you have endless options. So maybe the person you're dating is ok, but what if a better one exists just a few swipes away?

It's an illusion.

This^.

[Anonymous]

I don't think marriage will survive. In prior generations women had to get married to survive and it's still the case in less developed societies. I'm a highly educated professional and chose to get married and have kids. I had no idea what sacrifice having kids and family life will impose on me. Men cannot and will not do the same share. Childrearing is demanding if you want to do it well. I only have sons. I now think smart women are better off not getting married, so men will be left with the ones who cannot manage themselves and who as a result will suck as mothers. Or smart women will marry and not have kids.

[Anonymous]

So end of human species? Kidding. Women do get the short end of the stick. Anyone who can take care of home, kids, emotional labor and social life, can earn good money anywhere instead of unappreciated and unpaid labor at home. They can build careers and enjoy lives instead. If society needs future workers, they better pay women for having, birthing and raising them or provide free childcare and housecare.

[Anonymous]

It’s still a hella lot easier to raise kids with a functional partner than as a solo parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So end of human species? Kidding. Women do get the short end of the stick. Anyone who can take care of home, kids, emotional labor and social life, can earn good money anywhere instead of unappreciated and unpaid labor at home. They can build careers and enjoy lives instead. If society needs future workers, they better pay women for having, birthing and raising them or provide free childcare and housecare.

We'll keep trucking along until an environmental disaster or war ends us all. But the quality of humans will decline.

[Anonymous]

Hmm. We're a nerdy, STEM, couple, and one of us is on the spectrum. Yet we've somehow made it to 20 years of marriage, and not dating much (if at all) before that.

I expect my nerdy, STEM kids, one of whom is also on the spectrum, to behave in a similar fashion.

The "norm" of dating many people, partying and hanging out doesn't come naturally to some of us, yet we can still meet each other, stay married and have kids.

[Anonymous]

Most millennials I know who do not want to get married are from divorced homes and have PTSD from that. To them it is trauma, emotional pain, pragmatically too difficult, etc. The millennials I know who have married, settled down, with mortgage came from homes where parent marriages were intact. I don’t think it’s a coincidence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think marriage will survive. In prior generations women had to get married to survive and it's still the case in less developed societies. I'm a highly educated professional and chose to get married and have kids. I had no idea what sacrifice having kids and family life will impose on me. Men cannot and will not do the same share. Childrearing is demanding if you want to do it well. I only have sons. I now think smart women are better off not getting married, so men will be left with the ones who cannot manage themselves and who as a result will suck as mothers. Or smart women will marry and not have kids.

Agree. But don’t know the outcome in a few decades.
There is no sense of community in America, everything’s divisive. Half the makes are not outwardly marriage materials and the other half is not inwardly marriage or parenting material.