Can this marriage be saved?
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Anonymous
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We’ve been together since college. Were head over heels in love and had 20+ really good years together. Now we are (at best) roommates. Intimacy had been fairly regular in recent years (at least 1-3 times/week), then it tapered down to 1-2 times a month a year or so ago, and then all physical contact (including hugs) abruptly stopped 6+ months ago. Nada.
No big fight. Nothing I can pinpoint. When asked, they point to stress. But it’s more than that. They are distant (don’t come to bed at the same time). They only engage when there is an issue. I tried to be extra happy/loving/engaging and nothing changed. I tried to be direct by saying what I noticed and how it made me feel AND what I need (communication and affection). Nothing. I won’t give up access to our kids. I don’t want to have a gray divorce once the youngest launches…for a lot of reasons including financial stability as well as disrupting our family unit. I want my old spouse back, but they’ve become so negative and unpleasant. Again: they blame stress. Anyone btdt? Would therapy help? What if the reality is your partner checked out because they don’t like you anymore…and now you realize you don’t really like who they have become either? FTR, I haven’t changed. My personality has always been the same. But they definitely changed into a really unhappy, negative person. Background: no mental illness or depression in the gene pool. They are physically fit and their stress is normal kids/aging parents stuff. No high stress job or medical illness to deal with. And ftr, I’m dealing with the same stress yet able to keep a smile on my face. I just feel like I’m done. On a positive note: they haven’t checked out on parental/familial responsibilities. They are a good parent…just a crappy spouse. |
Anonymous
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Cheating.
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Anonymous
I know that’s the I’m immediate assumption, but I just don’t see how/when they could. We have a family Life 360 account, so everyone knows where everyone is. They are always at work or with one or more of our kids…or at home. No business travel. And we know each others phone codes and regularly need to access each other’s phones to pay bills, bank, handle kid stuff using certain apps, etc. |
Anonymous
| try therapy. they may or may not agree to it. listen to and read gottman in the mean time |
Anonymous
| Are they going through menopause? |
Anonymous
Where there is a will there is a way. |
Anonymous
This. Not trying to make you paranoid or anything, but you can get around Life 360 by leaving your main phone at the office while you take your burner phone to go meet AP. |
Anonymous
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Yes, marriage can be saved. Spouse might be dealing with issues related to childhood or something that impacts them mentally that you didn't even know about. Ask me how I know.
Go to counseling, it definitely helps. |
Anonymous
| How many kids do you have and how much longer until everyone's in college? |
Anonymous
| Emotional affair at work |
Anonymous
This. I couldn't believe how menopause changed my view of intimate relations. |
Anonymous
| affair |
Anonymous
A few kids. A handful of years until the youngest starts college. |
Anonymous
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Depression doesn’t have to be “in the gene pool” to be a cause or consideration, Also, teens+aging parents+menopause/andropause is a toxic mix. You say you haven’t changed at all and that may be an issue - they may have changed and you’re stuck in some kind of rut. My partner has changed along with me and we’re lucky that it’s been in the same direction.
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Anonymous
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OP, the distancing, criticizing, coldness and lack of intimacy all pointed to an affair by my now ex-H. People cheating have to denigrate you in their mind and actions so as to minimize guilt. If it was just less intimacy but not the rest, is very different.
Any sign of a midlife crisis? |