My marriage is going to break over the little things

[Anonymous]

DH and I are on the same page with the big things that matter... finances, parenting, how to raise our kids, work/life balance etc. but I swear sometimes I feel like our marriage is going to fall apart over the little things. For example, last night we were watching a movie while having dinner since there was no school for FCPS today so we though it would be a treat to eat while watching a movie, something we dont usually do.

When the movie was over I noticed DH had put his plate on the couch after he ate dinner. I was shocked and said "You put the dirty plate on the couch?" He answered with "I didnt want to put it on the new glass coffee table and the plate is basically clean since we ate pizza so yes I left the plate on the couch." I asked why didnt he just quickly walk it over to the sink and he said "This is one of those things between you and I where we are just going to have to agree to disagree. You think putting the dirty plate on the couch is not ok and I do."

That was enough to ruin the rest of the night. After kids went to bed, DH and I went our different ways. I was so frustrated thinking to myself...Is he kidding me... you are going to double down and say that it's ok to put a dirty plate on the couch when the sink is around the corner? What kind of message does that send to the kids?

The thing is that this one isolated thing feels stupid but lately ... I'd say over the last year DH and I have these very intense disagreements over very little things and each of these is adding up.

This morning DH woke up as if nothing happened. When I shared with him my feelings he conceded that I was right. It's not about being right or wrong. It's about him doubling down on these almost meaningless things, not budging at all, telling me he doesnt want to talk about it because he feels a certain way and I do another and there is no way to work around it. It's not after there is a big blow up that he may concede that maybe he didnt go about it the right way.

I dont know... it all sounds so petty as I write it but the environment at home is just not what I had hoped for it to be. It is constant fights about stupid things and I am worn out. Every other day this week we have had a similar issue.

I dont see a way out of this dynamic we have. It's not big enough to go to couple's therapy but it's big enough that is impacting my day to day and this is not the type of home life I want to settle for. :::SIGH:::

[Anonymous]

Why did you come at him like that? It’s very accusatory. How about he honey, could you please put your plate in the dishwasher when you’ve finished?

[Anonymous]

It’s definitely big enough to go to couples therapy. You two have terrible communication skills.

[Anonymous]

Wow OP. Wow.

You are wrong. It's in fact not a big deal to put a plate on the couch for a bit during the movie. You sound controlling and rigid and a bit OCD. Stop trying to micro-manage your grown husband. And this ruins the rest of your night? What are you doing?

He apologized to you in the morning because you're awful and he just wanted it to be over.

[Anonymous]

You need to let the little shit go. And yes, this was petty little shit. He's an adult and it's his home environment too. He didn't leave a dripping plate of of spaghetti there, and it wasn't there for days.

Your home environment is never going to be perfectly peaceful, and it's not worth the constant nag to try to get it there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you come at him like that? It’s very accusatory. How about he honey, could you please put your plate in the dishwasher when you’ve finished?

What's your recommendation on how I should have responded?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are on the same page with the big things that matter... finances, parenting, how to raise our kids, work/life balance etc. but I swear sometimes I feel like our marriage is going to fall apart over the little things. For example, last night we were watching a movie while having dinner since there was no school for FCPS today so we though it would be a treat to eat while watching a movie, something we dont usually do.

When the movie was over I noticed DH had put his plate on the couch after he ate dinner. I was shocked and said "You put the dirty plate on the couch?" He answered with "I didnt want to put it on the new glass coffee table and the plate is basically clean since we ate pizza so yes I left the plate on the couch." I asked why didnt he just quickly walk it over to the sink and he said "This is one of those things between you and I where we are just going to have to agree to disagree. You think putting the dirty plate on the couch is not ok and I do."

That was enough to ruin the rest of the night. After kids went to bed, DH and I went our different ways. I was so frustrated thinking to myself...Is he kidding me... you are going to double down and say that it's ok to put a dirty plate on the couch when the sink is around the corner? What kind of message does that send to the kids?

The thing is that this one isolated thing feels stupid but lately ... I'd say over the last year DH and I have these very intense disagreements over very little things and each of these is adding up.

This morning DH woke up as if nothing happened. When I shared with him my feelings he conceded that I was right. It's not about being right or wrong. It's about him doubling down on these almost meaningless things, not budging at all, telling me he doesnt want to talk about it because he feels a certain way and I do another and there is no way to work around it. It's not after there is a big blow up that he may concede that maybe he didnt go about it the right way.

I dont know... it all sounds so petty as I write it but the environment at home is just not what I had hoped for it to be. It is constant fights about stupid things and I am worn out. Every other day this week we have had a similar issue.

I dont see a way out of this dynamic we have. It's not big enough to go to couple's therapy but it's big enough that is impacting my day to day and this is not the type of home life I want to settle for. :::SIGH:::

But...this is what you did. You doubled down on something stupid like a plate on a couch and then woke up still stewing about it. It sounds like the way to work around it is he does things your way or he pays the price.

[Anonymous]

Going to break?

No. You’re breaking it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you come at him like that? It’s very accusatory. How about he honey, could you please put your plate in the dishwasher when you’ve finished?

What's your recommendation on how I should have responded?

Can you read?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dont know... it all sounds so petty as I write it but the environment at home is just not what I had hoped for it to be. It is constant fights about stupid things and I am worn out. Every other day this week we have had a similar issue.

There will be stupid little things in a shared household. The question is, do you need or want to pick a fight about every one? This did not have to be a fight. You made it into one.

[Anonymous]

You let the little shit go and he lets the little shit go. Its the only way it works. We are not clones and not ideal humans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you come at him like that? It’s very accusatory. How about he honey, could you please put your plate in the dishwasher when you’ve finished?

What's your recommendation on how I should have responded?

NP. In this exchange you wrote out, you are the problem. He sounds perfectly reasonable. You should have responded to his original response bolded below by saying...wow, sorry I made a big deal out of it. That's it.

When the movie was over I noticed DH had put his plate on the couch after he ate dinner. I was shocked and said "You put the dirty plate on the couch?" He answered with "I didnt want to put it on the new glass coffee table and the plate is basically clean since we ate pizza so yes I left the plate on the couch." I asked why didnt he just quickly walk it over to the sink and he said "This is one of those things between you and I where we are just going to have to agree to disagree. You think putting the dirty plate on the couch is not ok and I do."

[Anonymous]

Put the plate away yourself naggie.

[Anonymous]

My guess is he felt defensive and flexed.

My DH would not react well either if I talked to him like that, and he's pretty good about small things. If I wanted to point out something that I want him to do differently, I'll say, babe, would you mind putting that away. Or I'll make a little joke about it and he'll react sheepishly and say yeah, you're right. But in every incident, if I put him on the defensive, he would react poorly.

[Anonymous]

You need to lighten up. Couples counseling would help with this tremendously.


Here is a thought exercise -- what if he lived on his own, and then put a plate on the couch?

....

This is also his house. He has the right to live there how he wants, not just to abide by your rules, which sound rigid. You need to really think about how two autonomous human adults can coexist peacefully. Everyone has the right to feel comfortable in their home.

You are wrong IMO. Let him be.