Um, this is so awkward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you want to give her the benefit of the doubt that she’s not generally a rude and obnoxious person (you said you really liked her), then I would construe her text as she doesn’t want to expand her pandemic bubble/activities, and it just came out weird and wrong and off-putting, but she didn’t mean it that way. If you want to engage, you could respond that you understand if they aren’t socializing right now even outdoors, and to reach out to you if they’d like to get together again in the future when things calm down. (Emphasis on “again” in case maybe she’s somehow confusing you with someone else?) Then I’d leave it alone.

I have a friend/acquaintance who says off-putting things sometimes over text or email that make me feel bad, and I just have to not engage. I really like her when I see her in person, but when people act like that, it’s hard to want to be better friends with them.

The onus is on the rude friend to reach out and apologize/clarify what she meant when realizes her friend has ghosted her. Perhaps it would be a good time for some self reflection on how she treats people. Until then, she said what she said. Leave it be. No need for OP to infer on her behalf - and get her feelings hurt even more if the woman says it has nothing to do with Covid.

But she won’t realize that because she and OP have only ever done group hangs. So this would be a change. OP literally can’t ghost her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 3rd-grade DS is friends with another kid - has been since 1st grade. We hang out with the parents in a large group fairly often, maybe once a month or so, and we've had them to our house for dinner and vice-versa (pre-COVID). We really like them.

I texted the Mom to hang out outdoors by our fire pit this weekend. She texted me back, "Hi! Thanks. We really appreciate the invite, but at this stage, we're just not in the market for more new friends right now and don't have the time to juggle it all." I am MORTIFIED. Mortified. Mortified, as if I want the floor to swallow me whole. I feel like someone who asked a kid to dance at the prom and got rejected. I don't even know how to respond. Help????

Maybe you need to stop being so dramatic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she foreign? I have a few Eastern European friends who don't mince words. I take them with a grain of salt and still love them ( that doesn't mean you need to love this woman, just that they are more direct)

There is direct, and then there is rude and outright cruel.

[Anonymous]

It had to have been a mistake. You are already in her circle of friends and have been for three years. I would assume the best and seek polite clarification.

What do the others in your mutual friend group say about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It had to have been a mistake. You are already in her circle of friends and have been for three years. I would assume the best and seek polite clarification.

What do the others in your mutual friend group say about it?

It sounds like they are only friendly acquaintances. If they’ve never done anything one on one, they’re not exactly close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It had to have been a mistake. You are already in her circle of friends and have been for three years. I would assume the best and seek polite clarification.

What do the others in your mutual friend group say about it?

It sounds like they are only friendly acquaintances. If they’ve never done anything one on one, they’re not exactly close.

I don’t understand these responses. You don’t have to be friend-friends or close to decline an invitation politely. Saying no, thank you is fine, it’s the way it was said that causes the problem.

[Anonymous]

They have dinner at one another’s houses, in addition to group events, and have been friendly for 2-3 years. That’s not new friends. I’d be tender about it as well. The way she wrote that was hurtful and not ok. Now you know she see you as an acquaintance. Which stinks. But pulls focus. I’m sorry something intended as kind and casual became harmful. It’s not you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It had to have been a mistake. You are already in her circle of friends and have been for three years. I would assume the best and seek polite clarification.

What do the others in your mutual friend group say about it?

It sounds like they are only friendly acquaintances. If they’ve never done anything one on one, they’re not exactly close.

I don’t understand these responses. You don’t have to be friend-friends or close to decline an invitation politely. Saying no, thank you is fine, it’s the way it was said that causes the problem.

But she didn't say anything mean. I don't find the response mean, just her honest thoughts. I would take it for exactly what she said. The friend doesn't want a hang out for now, likely due to the pandemic. They probably have another family or two they have been doing social distancing get togethers with. There isn't a reason to blow this into some huge drama filled situation. OP don't think too much about this. Just say you will catch up another time and move on

[Anonymous]

There’s a lot of possibilities here, such as the person being rude or cruel, perhaps having some resentment of OP that none of us know about, to the kids not liking one another, to the person who made the comment being really freaked out by COVID and just being a shitty communicator. But one thing that we do know is that the message could have been delivered in a much more tactful and sensitive way and the person who communicated the message should have realized that.

[Anonymous]

Another poster said this once in another similar thread and I think it rings true: women like her never really fit in during high school or college and somehow reached a new level of popularity in the mommy world (they married well, can now afford cool clothes, nice car, got a nose job or whatever). Suddenly they're all that and you can't tell them anything.

Anyone truly popular with people would have social tact and would at the very least be fake-nice about the turn-down.

Sorry, OP she's on the up and up! (this was tongue in cheek btw)

[Anonymous]

I would respond with something like “Wow! Understood. Wishing you the best!”

And then never do more than the most cursory friendly greeting possible.

[Anonymous]

I guess I'm the weird one, because I don't actually find anything wrong with her response! To me, it's the friendship equivalent of "it's not you, it's me" - nothing wrong with you, I just don't have time for more friends right now. I would vastly prefer this response to "I'm busy" where I would keep asking.

Reminds me of this article about "askers vs. guessers" - I'm a major asker, and prefer others to be as well. I also have no problem getting shot down about stuff.

https://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2010/05/askers-vs-guessers/340891/

I'm actually interested in what other options there are besides just saying "I'm busy" - I'm not a fan of the "polite lie" and while I am not the person who texted the OP, and I would be a bit more tactful than this, I wonder what other people think a good response is, generally, to overtures of friendship/increasing friendship "level" for lack of a better word when you just do not have the social bandwidth for more friends.

In fact, I'm gonna create a s/o thread.

[Anonymous]

If you have not hung out during the pandemic so far, she may have thought it bizarre you were looking to ad more families to be meeting in person at this stage. Especially between holidays.

[Anonymous]

I still don’t think you should reply and you should just leave the text hanging. But if you do I agree with the person suggesting “I thought we were already friends.”

[Anonymous]

I know you're in the minority, but those of you saying it's "not rude, just honest" do realize that this woman said "we're just not in the market for more new friends right now?" WTH, "in the market for?" "New friends?" Actually-- "more new friends?" After... years?

It's not honest, it's bizarre. "It's not a good time for us," or "we're busy" or "maxed out" or something... those would at least be better. Of course, a simple, "I'm sorry, we can't" is fine too.

But if she IS being "honest," then she actually sees OP as a "new friend" she doesn't have time to get to know or care about, which-- after a couple of years of at least casual friendship-- is a sign that OP should drop them. (Not completely, perhaps, because of the kids, but drop the idea of being friends with the adults.)