I just don't like my husband anymore

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,
Most of your discontent has to do with sex. It is mentioned over and over. How often are you getting it on now? Did you feel rejected when it was less and did that play into your feelings changing? His saying you have no problems or whatever sounds pretty dismissive. What IS working about your relationship? What are specific things you want from him and have you asked for them?

OP here. DH wants sex. I am the one who doesn't want it. When I was pregnant, I didn't want it either. I was too busy puking. I had terrible morning sickness all day and night.

I'm 33 and fairly attractive. I am back down to 120 pounds and a size 4. I can't help but think DH is not my soul mate and someone out there can make me happier. If it weren't for the kids, I would have left long ago. I don't doubt we can make it work in the short term but I am certain we won't last forever. If I know we will most likely separate, I would prefer to do it when I am still relatively young.

My unhappiness has little to do with sex. I am emotionally unhappy. Secondly, I feel like my sex drive is nonexistent. I am assuming my lack of physical attraction has to do with my mental dislike for my husband.

I met husband in college - married right after graduation at 22 years old. He was kind of socially awkward but driven academically. I was attracted to the fact that he had a great work ethic. Two kids and 20 years later I am in a similar situation to you.

We've had sex maybe 5 times in the last year. I really can't stand him touching me and dream of having an affair. His driven work ethic has come to bite us in the butt. He's worked his way up and is rewarded handsomely $$$ - we have nearly 10M in networth - but he's spent a lot of time in the office, travelling and too stressed out on the weekends to participate in family activities. But, honestly I don't see myself leaving as I've been a SAHM for nearly 15 years and he is not at all abusive - I just don't like/love him. Although I have a master's degree, I have no current job skills and would need to go back to college to support myself if I did leave. I also think about our kids. I tolerate him in front of them and we seem like the perfect family. Like him and his job, I have decided to put my efforts into volunteering, our kids and their schools and meeting friends for coffee/lunch but I have no clue what I will do when the kids are out of the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: He's worked his way up and is rewarded handsomely $$$ - we have nearly 10M in networth - but he's spent a lot of time in the office, travelling and too stressed out on the weekends to participate in family activities. But, honestly I don't see myself leaving as I've been a SAHM for nearly 15 years and he is not at all abusive - I just don't like/love him. Although I have a master's degree, I have no current job skills and would need to go back to college to support myself if I did leave.

Being married for 20 years, you would get half the money accumulated during the marriage. Being that you are now in your 40's, $5M would sustain you for life with careful planning. You could get a job which requires few skills (receptionist, retail etc...) for some day to day spending money. I know with a grad degree, the last think I would want to do would be to go back to school at 40!

I have a friend in CA who got 5 years of spousal support plus child support because she quit her job as a model to marry him and have kids. The marriage fell apart 10 years later but she could not go back to modelling at 34 years old so the spousal support was suppose to pay for her to go to college. She also married a wealthy man but signed a prenup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Being married for 20 years, you would get half the money accumulated during the marriage.

I don't see why you wouldn't get half, either.

But be prepared to hire a forensic accountant...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry him? What drew you to him, and him to you? You've got to find the people that you were before kids. Do it through date nights, or do it through counseling. Odds are decent that you can make this work IF you married him for some other reason than, "I wanted kids, i'm getting older and he was there."

Trust me on this one. I'm a single mom of one and it is hard. Really hard. Try to avoid it if you can.

Why is it hard? Is the dad no longer in the picture? Did he or you move far away from each other? I am trying to understand why it is hard when you all divorced each other not the kids. Was he not involved before because then, what would be do different?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:it is ok-- u can hate your husband. why is that so bad? it happens. Hope u can find love and happiness in your life if it is not with your current husband. no worries. we will all die. enjoy life while u r here.

I like the PP's post...so true. Make the most of this life. Luckily, my ex and I have a good relationship and communicate better than we did when we were married. He is a much better and involved dad now. I realize this May not be the norm so it really does depend on the people involved. My ex lives about 2 minutes driving distance away so we are definitely co-parenting. My kids were 17 months and 3 when we separated so they were pretty young. My older one was at the point where she was recognizing how sad I was and would say, "Mama, why does daddy make you so upset?" I am not good at faking it to make it. Either way, I knew it was time to make the choice to be happy and live my life happily for me and my kids. We are ALL so much happier, but it takes teamwork....divorced or not. I am almost 5 years post divorce and we just received V- day letters from our 1st and 2nd graders. They both wrote about how happy and appreciative(appreshiative...haha in their spelling) they are and how much they love their family. I will tell you that I am a much better mother to them as well. Happiness is key because when you are miserable the majority of the time, it will definitely affect how you are with yourself, your kids, and the people around you. I hope you find your happy place for everyone's sake.

[Anonymous]

Haha...who does? That's a luxury these days so if you do like your husband post kids, consider yourself lucky...SERIOUSLY!!!

[Anonymous]

I agree with 09:02. I don't see anything you've started that makes your marriage bad. It sounds like the worst thing is your husband works too much, but that's provided you with great financial security. Trust me, I know a few things about abad marriage and yours doesn't come close. Just not loving our liking your husband is not enough and makes toy sound immature. Try to work on it.

[Anonymous]

You must have a small inkling of love for him if what he does annoys you.

It's when you feel apathy that you know your marriage is in trouble.

[Anonymous]

wow! This sounds oddly familiar to me. I must know you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You must have a small inkling of love for him if what he does annoys you.

It's when you feel apathy that you know your marriage is in trouble.

I agree with the second sentence here, not with the first. The time I started feeling complete indifference to my husband is when I knew I that was done with the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 09:02. I don't see anything you've started that makes your marriage bad. It sounds like the worst thing is your husband works too much, but that's provided you with great financial security. Trust me, I know a few things about abad marriage and yours doesn't come close. Just not loving our liking your husband is not enough and makes toy sound immature. Try to work on it.

This whole thread has been great to read. I'm feeling the same thing after 14 years, like I married someone too different from me. It's hard to even like, let alone love, my spouse when we don't seem to see anything the same way....and I hate the idea of going on like this forever, but maybe that's where the "work" comes in.

[Anonymous]

I feel so incredibly alone. My husband is a good person. He's a nice guy who is devoted to me and our life together. But for about 4 years he was prone to flying off the handle, extreme moodiness, and irrational anger that sometimes involved shoving me and bruising me. I felt my love for him disappearing. I slowly gave up trying to talk to him about any of my feelings because it always led to a fight. I had a brief affair with a co-worker. My husband finally started to get therapy about a year ago and he's becoming the man I always wanted. I think it's too late though. I feel like he is my child rather than my husband. I'm so proud of his growth and how far he has come. I know he feels terribly for the way he behaved. He told me that he knows I should leave him and that he feels so lucky that I worked with him and forced him to get therapy. The idea of not having him in my life makes me sad, but I know that I don't love him like a husband. I just don't think I can ever really trust him again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel so incredibly alone. My husband is a good person. He's a nice guy who is devoted to me and our life together. But for about 4 years he was prone to flying off the handle, extreme moodiness, and irrational anger that sometimes involved shoving me and bruising me. I felt my love for him disappearing. I slowly gave up trying to talk to him about any of my feelings because it always led to a fight. I had a brief affair with a co-worker. My husband finally started to get therapy about a year ago and he's becoming the man I always wanted. I think it's too late though. I feel like he is my child rather than my husband. I'm so proud of his growth and how far he has come. I know he feels terribly for the way he behaved. He told me that he knows I should leave him and that he feels so lucky that I worked with him and forced him to get therapy. The idea of not having him in my life makes me sad, but I know that I don't love him like a husband. I just don't think I can ever really trust him again.

You're not alone. I feel the same way! My off-the-handle husband was verbally and near physically abusive to me for several years. In individual and couples therapy now, but I don't think I could ever be intimate again with someone who has said the things he has said to me (I am a terrible mother, terrible wife, he will spend the rest of his life trying to take my children away from me because I am so incompetent, etc.). He also destroyed my property in anger. I certainly have fault in that I stood for that behavior (by sweeping it under the rug, being in denial, etc.), but now that I have stood up for myself (I called the police on him last time he destroyed my property), I also can't forget it and can't imagine having respect for myself if I stayed married to this person...

[Anonymous]

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[Anonymous]

Not only do I dislike my husband, but he nauseates me. My husband had a non-sexual relationship with my girlfriend 23 years ago and I just found out they both lied to me. I called up after all these years and they both confessed how much they deceived me and lied to me. Although, it was yet non-sexual, The did other things. I hate him and her for the deception. I cannot believe that he carried on this lie knowing the truth and yet had sex with me all these years. He's a dirty-dog bastard and he sickens me. I'm not going to ask what should I do. I already told him how I feel about him and he's old and dumb now, so he really doesn't care. What of waste of 23 out of 29 years.