I just don't like my husband anymore

[Anonymous]

I disagree. I think we all deserve (or are entitled) to have the best life we are capable of having (within the normal constraints of society). I think my kids are entitled to a happy home and parents who are doing more than going through the motions.
I agree that we will all suffer the consequences since our lives will change. That my kids will be upended is what makes me unbearably sad even though I honestly believe it will be better for them in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Most of the posters seem to focus on the sexless part of my post. When I was pregnant, I was extremely nauseous. I think many women experience some morning sickness but mine was the most severe amongs people I know. The last thing I wanted to do was have sex so I don't necessarily think he imposed a sexless marriage on me. During different times in the past four years, DH and I both were disinterested in sex. DH tries occasionally to initiate sex and I am just not interested. There was never a time in the past 4 years that DH rejected my advances. He is pretty responsive. Now that I am back to my old figure, DH is more physically attracted to me. Unfortunately, the feelings are not mutual. I am still disinterested in sex.

As some posters have suggested, I have become disillussioned with my marriage. Perhaps I was naive but I believed in happily ever after. I was a hopeless romantic. Before I met my husband, I had many suitors and a lot of options. I often got bored of men. DH swept me off my feet and we did live in bliss for many years. I'm not sure if he was the cause of my happiness but I was happy. We were both kicking ass in our careers and enjoying young professional life. DH was everything I wanted in a man. My parents loved him. My friends loved him. The natural next step was to get married and have kids. And that we did.

Much of the problem is that we used to be so happy. Maybe if we weren't so happy before, I would not feel such great disappointment.

I have convinced myself to stop disliking DH. I am trying to focus on his positive traits. At this point, I am neutral. I don't feel any strong emotions towards him. I believe this is a significant improvement as my blood used to boil when I would be in the same room with him.

For now, he is a good roommate and a good father. He is tolerable.

Have you ever just responded because he is interested and because you want to make him happy? If not, why not? A book you might want to check out is "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It". They really lay out info about female desire. Sometimes you might not think you are in the mood but if you start, you might get in the mood really quickly. Having good sex could make you both feel happy and more connected. You are lucky he approaches you at all if you grudgingly find him "tolerable".

Anger kills loving feelings. Love is a verb and if you start making loving actions toward him things might really change. You'd have to develop a more mature attitude, can't so easily cleanly move on to a different guy when you are married with kids. You have a lot you should feel grateful for. Are you willing to give up your anger to be happy? If you committed to acting like a loving wife for 6 months, research shows that you'd be in a much happier marriage. Have you heard the expression "I'd rather be right than happy?"

My ex was a lot like you OP. Thought everything was somehow outside himself and owed to him. He was passive aggressive and didn't take responsibility for his actions and attitudes.

You might also want to check out "The 5 Love Languages" and have DH read it, it's quick. It's an excellent roadmap to meeting your partner's needs.

Do you want to model realistic skills for your kids as to how to be a happy adult and responsible parent and spouse or do you want to have multiple marriages and be bitter? You can't change anything in the past and I hear that you are hurt and want to hurt him back. That isn't helping anyone. If you could have something BETTER than you used to have, something sustainable based on reality, isn't that what you want your kids to have?

If you want to go to counseling, Andy Wald is good.

I'm in very similar situation with alot of anger from the past. And I too do not like my spouse. This advice was helpful. thanks

[Anonymous]

Sometimes you gotta fake it to make it. The 7 year itch does exist. So does the 10, 15, 20, 25 ...

If he doesn't abuse you, cheat on you, ignore the kids, drive you into debt, the marriage is worth saving.

Then one day you'll both realize it wasn't about romantic love, sex, living some fairy tale life you imagined. You'll realize all these feelings go much much deeper. When the kids grow up and leave you'll get that spark back because now you have your best friend.

Or you can divorce and hope you don't get some real asshole the second time around.

[Patrick_Caballero]

its very informative post.

[Anonymous]

Loving or even liking your husband is a decision. Make that decision and change your attitude. The paradox is that when you stop thinking about what YOU want and concentrate on the needs of your DH- you find your needs being met as well. When I wake up in the morning- I ask myself what can I do to make DHs day better- what can I do to make him feel loved and appreciated? How can I have an attitude of joy and thankfulness? When DH feels loved and appreciated- he WANTS the same for me. You have to give love and happiness to get it. NO man will love your kids like DH does.

[Anonymous]

This is the first time I am posting on this thread. I have to say I read a good amount of helpful and insightful comments here. I like the last few posts too, about giving your man you best so you can expect this in return and the spark of having a best friend later in life.

I have problems similar to the OP, and it seems like many other women have similar issues: not feeling love, and even feeling resentment towards their husbands, whether it never existed or it disappeared. I have been trying to make my marriage work for 10 years now and I don't plan to give up, especially since we have a child now.

Despite considering all the thoughtful comments that many posted here, I have to ask- what do you do when emotional problems like this have physical manifestation? I can deal with being bored with my husband, feeling even repulsed on occasions, but the headaches, stomaches, anxiety attacks- that is hard to deal with.

What do you do on everyday basis to relieve this? I am thinking of exercising, mindful meditation, perhaps some me time meeting with girlfriends ( not to discuss my personal issues, but just to feel overall support and to understand you are not lonely...)

I love to hear from women in similar situation that can tell me how to deal with everyday stress from their relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree. I think we all deserve (or are entitled) to have the best life we are capable of having (within the normal constraints of society). I think my kids are entitled to a happy home and parents who are doing more than going through the motions.
I agree that we will all suffer the consequences since our lives will change. That my kids will be upended is what makes me unbearably sad even though I honestly believe it will be better for them in the long run.

How long have you been married and how many kids do you have?

Just wondering where you are in your life.

[Anonymous]

I'm also with my second child 34 weeks and my first is 2and I'm going through the same thing as you. I see my husband as a roommate. Great provider and father as well! Only thing is he does not communicate with me and I have spoken to him several times about it. We don't talk at all which pushed me away. I'm so turned off that I don't want to have sex with him.He's a very attractive man its just that I gave up talking to him be cause its useless. He does come to me for sex At least once a week late night but I do my want to because he didn't talk to me all day and now I'm suppose to jump on you.... I don't want to be with him anymore And I do not want to get old in an unhappy marriage. Life is too short to be miserable. What do I do. ??!! Stay for the kids. Eventually. One of us is going to cheat. Its impossible to stay like miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the first time I am posting on this thread. I have to say I read a good amount of helpful and insightful comments here. I like the last few posts too, about giving your man you best so you can expect this in return and the spark of having a best friend later in life.

I have problems similar to the OP, and it seems like many other women have similar issues: not feeling love, and even feeling resentment towards their husbands, whether it never existed or it disappeared. I have been trying to make my marriage work for 10 years now and I don't plan to give up, especially since we have a child now.

Despite considering all the thoughtful comments that many posted here, I have to ask- what do you do when emotional problems like this have physical manifestation? I can deal with being bored with my husband, feeling even repulsed on occasions, but the headaches, stomaches, anxiety attacks- that is hard to deal with.

What do you do on everyday basis to relieve this? I am thinking of exercising, mindful meditation, perhaps some me time meeting with girlfriends ( not to discuss my personal issues, but just to feel overall support and to understand you are not lonely...)

I love to hear from women in similar situation that can tell me how to deal with everyday stress from their relationships.

This is how I choose to deal with stress. I can either sit and dwell on it, making myself sick and miserable or I can focus on what makes me happy that particular day. Yes, it's as simple as that. So I choose me being happy. I am hard headed. I could never give my husband the satisfaction of seeing me FEEL miserable. I play upbeat music, I read funny stories, I avoid anything that might depress me, I cook just for the hell of it, I bake like a fiend or I clean until I can't clean anymore. I make my day worth living. For me.

Then he sees me not caring about whatever and things go back to being this thing called life. YOU have to let things go, not him, YOU. It takes time to modify your thought process but you can do it if that's what you want. And it's what I want. To live stress free.

[Anonymous]

OP, I haven't read all of the posts but I did read enough to know that I will be echoing some posters and contradicting others. I agree that the first few years with small children is more than tough on you individually and on your marriage. Add to that all of the physical changes us women endure, and it's a recipe for disaster. If it has only been a year then you need to wait longer. It can take a couple of years for you to fully recover and get back to your old self. Don't make decisions now and especially don't make decisions "for the sake of the children" at least not at this point. Listen to the PPs who advise reinvesting in your marriage. You owe it to yourself and your husband to give it your all before giving up on it. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^

"bitter" pp here. Actually, I recommended therapy/counseling. She can leave or stay and try to improve it but she doesn't get the right to feel noble while stay while hating her husband and blaming him while her children grow up in a loveless unhappy home.

I agree with you. OP does need to grow up and realize it takes two to tango. She sounds depressed to me and nerds counseling to learn how to deal with the changes in her life. Her post reads like one big crybaby whining session. She needs to engage in some self reflection to ascertain her role in all of this. She posted not ONE actual grievance about her husband. I feel sorry for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - you and I have lot in common. My spouse also earns a good living, "looks good on paper", works hard, owns his own business, etc. My biggest problem is that I am just not attracted to him - plain and simple. I don't think of other men, but I find sex tedious, I find my husband boring and unattractive. But we also have children and a so-called "life" we have built together. I feel sorry for him because he is not a bad person. He still finds me attractive and wants to be "the perfect couple". I have just lost all sex drive and desire for intimacy. Am I bad person for this? It's a physical more than emotional thing - although it is emotional, too.

Why in the world did you marry him, PP?

PP here - because I have changed. I was attracted to him - the first several years of marriage were great and fun and fine. It has changed after kids and after careers became more demanding. He has also gained weight and become less attractive to me, plain and simple. But I know it is mostly that I have just changed. I don't enjoy being in a relationship, I want more time alone. Maybe it is because the drain of kids demanding my time, work and then husband on top of all that is hard.....

Did you honestly think that being married and having kids was NOT going to interfere with your alone time? It's hard. Lots of us do it. You don't just give up once you have kids. Step up.to the plate and learn how to communicate, because that's what adults do.

[Anonymous]

it is ok-- u can hate your husband. why is that so bad? it happens. Hope u can find love and happiness in your life if it is not with your current husband. no worries. we will all die. enjoy life while u r here.

[Anonymous]

I feel sorry for your husband and I feel you are being super selfish and immature. I know this will just anger you further and probably exacerbate the problem but oh well I am just telling it like I see it. I think a humongous problem in todays world is taking your spouse for granted. Seems like that is what you are doing. My wife does the same with me I put up with her immaturity for the sake of the kids and I do realize that some people have an almost impossible time seeing the big picture.. So I pray for her and there are good days and bad days. You shpould try counseling or date nights or just talking to him and getting whatever is bothering you off your chest. If you really make an effort and after that you just don't love him then congratulations something magical has happened for no reason to make you stop loving him and i guess you should get a divorce. Just ghet ready to pay your own bills cut your own grass do your own taxes hang your own pictures fix your own leaky faucets and when you are finally in the MOOD for sex again tuff luck that ship has sailed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,
Most of your discontent has to do with sex. It is mentioned over and over. How often are you getting it on now? Did you feel rejected when it was less and did that play into your feelings changing? His saying you have no problems or whatever sounds pretty dismissive. What IS working about your relationship? What are specific things you want from him and have you asked for them?

OP here. DH wants sex. I am the one who doesn't want it. When I was pregnant, I didn't want it either. I was too busy puking. I had terrible morning sickness all day and night.

I'm 33 and fairly attractive. I am back down to 120 pounds and a size 4. I can't help but think DH is not my soul mate and someone out there can make me happier. If it weren't for the kids, I would have left long ago. I don't doubt we can make it work in the short term but I am certain we won't last forever. If I know we will most likely separate, I would prefer to do it when I am still relatively young.

My unhappiness has little to do with sex. I am emotionally unhappy. Secondly, I feel like my sex drive is nonexistent. I am assuming my lack of physical attraction has to do with my mental dislike for my husband.

Why did you marry him?

It is not uncommon to have a very low libido when you have little ones.

Please at least TRY to reconnect with the man you married before you condemn your children to grow up with a broken home.

And yes, the earlier you split, the better in my experience. I tried for too many years to save my marriage to a philanderer. The older child has issues, the younger one is fine.