what do SAHMs do once kids are in school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. that's what I thought. I just wanted to see if maybe I'm missing something. I want my partner to start thinking about going back to work and she says the kids need her still. Which I'm sure is true, but I'm feeling a bit resentful that I'm going to work every day and she isn't getting all these long term projects I thought she'd work on when the kids are at school. When I ask her what she's done all day she tells me what she's done with the kids (which are of course done after school) and say laundry, when I hear the washer going - so I know she just threw a load in. Things like that. Just getting frustrated with it.

I hear you, bro, but a couple of things I discovered:

-- They're often IN the school, especially with K. This is valuable.

-- Kids need parents after school more than they needed SAH parent when they were babies.

In my case, DW is starting her own business. But she has skills that allow her to do this...

[Anonymous]

"Moms who work seem to see this giant divide between the highly important work they do and the yoga-pants wearing SAHMs. The thing is: I have worked when my kids were little. Now I'm home. And I will work again. SAHM isn't a permanent condition. "

The thing is: I've worked continuously since my kids were born. I don't just go in and out of the workforce. I have a career, not a job. There's a big divide between women who work full time, then SAH, then part time, etc., etc. and women who work all the time, just like a man does.

[Anonymous]

I honestly can't imagine staying at home. There's nothing wrong with someone else wanting or needing to do so, it would just not be right for me. I never cooked, cleaned, or did any domestic duties before DS was born, my husband did them all. It would be a really strange shift for me to be primarily responsible for them, and I don't think it would be comfortable for either of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:" Many of us are saying that we've done the WOH thing and it exceeded our personal thresholds for stress/sanity and while SAH isn't necessarily the greatest job ever, we have made the trade off b/c it works for our households. If working out of the house works for you, that's fab. Go for it. When I was working full time, it wasn't the 45 hrs. at the office that was a problem, it was the other 10 hrs. of commuting time added on to that. "

1) Work on ways to increase your stress/sanity threshold short of quitting your job or
2) Look for another job with a shorter commute.

Why are you so insecure in your choice that you can't handle someone making a different choice and being fine with it. I'm not telling you to quit your job and stay at home. I'm comfortable in my own choices so much that I can handle you making a different choice without feeling threatened by it.

Next time I need advice, I'll look you up.

I'm fine with you making a different choice, especially because you said the WOH thing exceeded your personal threshold for stress/sanity. I was just suggesting work arounds if you actually wanted to stay in the workforce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you don't have friends to call on in a pinch. I do. And I'm happy to do it for others -- SAHM or not. I offer, in fact. And my friends take me up on it. Maybe people don't like you so they don't offer. I don't know. All the moms I know are happy to do it whether it's reciprocated or not. I've met my friends' kids off the bus, picked them up from school, driven them to friend's offices. You name it. Moms who work seem to see this giant divide between the highly important work they do and the yoga-pants wearing SAHMs. The thing is: I have worked when my kids were little. Now I'm home. And I will work again. SAHM isn't a permanent condition.

Wow.

You took my comment about how I doubt WOHMs are always calling that person to pick up their kids at aftercare and have now derived that I have no friends who I can call on in a pinch? And that people don't like me?

Well aren't you pleasant (and perhaps a tad bit insecure?).

And just for the record. I have just as many WOHM friends as SAHM friends. I also have a nanny, so I have the luxury of flexible childcare. I also volunteer at my kids school and hang out for coffee with the SAHMs every so often. My only point is that I don't usually call on them to pick up my kids b/c I don't need to and none of the WOHMs I know need their SAHM friends to do so either. We have alternatives in place, including lots of family around.

Good luck getting back into the work force. Hopefully when you do start working, you'll be able to step back and realize that there is no need to have such anger towards people who choose a different path in life than you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I honestly can't imagine staying at home. There's nothing wrong with someone else wanting or needing to do so, it would just not be right for me. I never cooked, cleaned, or did any domestic duties before DS was born, my husband did them all. It would be a really strange shift for me to be primarily responsible for them, and I don't think it would be comfortable for either of us.

Does he still do them all? Wow.

[Anonymous]

What do SAHMs do once kids are in school?

Simple answer: They start selling shitty products like Thirty One, Kelly Kids, Airbonne and the like so that they can tell themselves (and everybody else) that they work part-time...

[Anonymous]

OP, SAHM here of a formerly 2 mom family now divorcing. I agree that your DP sounds overwhelmed and quite possibly depressed. If I had it to do over again, I'd suggest starting a weekly date night, have a standing sitter. Get to know her and what is going on with her and stabilize your relationship. Maybe take a class in a new or common interest so there is something cool for you to share and talk about. Once you have built up more intimacy again you could ask her what she would like to do. SAHM is not great for everyone, as someone pointed out above, many of us find the competely unstructured time and isolation very difficult.

It sounds like going back to work PT or FT and having household help, automated bills, Peapod, etc might work best for everyone. She might not be able to get there from where she is. Reconnect with her first. Automate whatever you can. Take the kids to the grocery store with you on the weekends and plan very simple meals. She is clearly struggling. You are the more functional adult now. Stabilize the household routines, get the kids involved, you can make it fun.

Hang in there. I hope it all turns out better for your family than it did for mine.

[Anonymous]

SAHM here: Never heard of any of those products. I am helping 14 girls sell GS cookies, but other than that, no sales.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm home, even though my kids are at school. Not sure how families with two working parents do it. I sincerely admire them and appreciate how much more they do. Our life is pretty stress-free. It feels like someone is always sick, someone always has a dentist/orthodontist/doctor appt. A car needs to be serviced, etc. Admittedly, I'm a shitty housekeeper, but my husband is fairly laid back about it and gets it. Mostly, he's relieved that he can work when he needs to, travel for work when he needs to and have dinner and homework taken care of. Right now, my kids are off on break until January. No worries about camps/childcare. I do miss working and am considering a P/T position that opened up in my field. But I'm happy being home and am never "bored."

Have you ever asked families with two full time working parents how they do it? My DH and I both take time off work for sick kids, car appointments, etc. and take turns going on business travel. It's really not that difficult.

The ones I know are always calling me to pick up their kids from aftercare b/c they will get a dollar a minute or drive their kid from soccer practice to camp in the summer or take their kid to girl scouts. Not that difficult? Perhaps you have the luxury of a flexible, forgiving job. Not all of us can be lucky (or so snide).

That's funny. As a working parent, the ONLY people who have offered to help if I have to attend a late meeting, for example, are other working moms with more flexible schedules. Not ONE SAHM has ever offered. Furthermore, there are more WMs who have taken off work to transport kids on field trips, too. I haven't found SAHMs very accommodating in my experiences. So my support system revolves around the workers.

[Anonymous]

"I'm glad you see it that way. But, it strikes me that dads who don't participate in the day-to-day care of their children don't bond with them as much as dads who do. Also, I hope that you have some financial arrangements set up for you alone. Also, I worry about kids not seeing their mothers use their degrees to work OTH and choosing to depend on their husbands and families for fulfillment, both financial and emotional. It's only win-win-win if you see in one way. IMO, there are going to be trade-offs if you SAH, and you need to be honest about them."

Doesn't OP's household have 2 moms?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, there is the possibility of depression as others have mentioned and there is also the possibility that your spouse has a hard time organizing what seems like an eternity of unscheduled time. When I stopped working full time I felt completely ungrounded. I didn't know how I could possibly fill all the time up! I did go into a bit of depression b/c I didn't have the obligations and routines that I eventually found.

Maybe you could have a talk after the kids go to bed about how you can work together to get everything done. Then when you have a big list of things that need to get done, maybe spouse (with your help) can break them down into two things to do each day of the week. Sometimes if you just get productive right off the bat in the morning, you can avoid getting sucked into internet nothingness all day. Maybe your spouse is one who doesn't plan very well, but maybe she is good at following a plan that is laid out on paper. There is a sense of accomplishment in crossing something off a physical list.

Thank you. This makes sense too. She does have a bit of an ADD type personality (undiagnosed, of course) but when she did projects (scrapbooking, getting pictures in order, etc) she'd have many unfinished projects going at one time - come to think of it, never actually finished any of them.

Also thanks to the pp who gave a list of symptoms for depression. Does she have to have all of them?most of them? one of them? I can look it up later tonight, but thought I'd ask here in case you knew the answer off the top of your head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, SAHM here of a formerly 2 mom family now divorcing. I agree that your DP sounds overwhelmed and quite possibly depressed. If I had it to do over again, I'd suggest starting a weekly date night, have a standing sitter. Get to know her and what is going on with her and stabilize your relationship. Maybe take a class in a new or common interest so there is something cool for you to share and talk about. Once you have built up more intimacy again you could ask her what she would like to do. SAHM is not great for everyone, as someone pointed out above, many of us find the competely unstructured time and isolation very difficult.

It sounds like going back to work PT or FT and having household help, automated bills, Peapod, etc might work best for everyone. She might not be able to get there from where she is. Reconnect with her first. Automate whatever you can. Take the kids to the grocery store with you on the weekends and plan very simple meals. She is clearly struggling. You are the more functional adult now. Stabilize the household routines, get the kids involved, you can make it fun.

Hang in there. I hope it all turns out better for your family than it did for mine.

Good advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, SAHM here of a formerly 2 mom family now divorcing. I agree that your DP sounds overwhelmed and quite possibly depressed. If I had it to do over again, I'd suggest starting a weekly date night, have a standing sitter. Get to know her and what is going on with her and stabilize your relationship. Maybe take a class in a new or common interest so there is something cool for you to share and talk about. Once you have built up more intimacy again you could ask her what she would like to do. SAHM is not great for everyone, as someone pointed out above, many of us find the competely unstructured time and isolation very difficult.

It sounds like going back to work PT or FT and having household help, automated bills, Peapod, etc might work best for everyone. She might not be able to get there from where she is. Reconnect with her first. Automate whatever you can. Take the kids to the grocery store with you on the weekends and plan very simple meals. She is clearly struggling. You are the more functional adult now. Stabilize the household routines, get the kids involved, you can make it fun.

Hang in there. I hope it all turns out better for your family than it did for mine.

OP here again. This is good advice. Although I'm not feeling very "intimate" with her these days. Just frustrated and angry. But, maybe I do need to get a plan in place, get to know her better, and take over grocery shopping, etc. Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Doesn't OP's household have 2 moms?

OP here - yes.