My marriage is going to break over the little things

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you have pretty bad anxiety and are controlling and rigid as a result. I know because I have bad anxiety and it makes me controlling too. Treat your anxiety first and force yourself to take deep breaths and step away from the situation (literally or figuratively--you don't have to actually leave the room necessarily but just take a few deep breaths and ignore the plate for a few moments and think about if this is really important or worth getting into a fight or not) before making a comment.

You have to prioritize things in your life. What's more important? That a plate is not put on the couch/gets taken to the sink right away or that your family enjoys a nice, relaxing evening together? What's more important? That a plate is put away or that your husband and kids always feel on edge around you/in their own home because they know you get annoyed by little, stupid things all the time?

[Anonymous]

OP's kids have the double whammy of genetic predisposition to anxiety and growing up in a tense and unhappy environment with this kind of modeling.

That you woke up angry is so telling. You were having a "rare" pizza/movie night (we do that weekly) and all you could think of was having a go at your husband, even 12 hours later. That is NOT normal behavior. Seek help.

[Anonymous]

The sound of a ceramic plate hitting a glass table is like nails on a chalkboard. Team husband.

[Anonymous]

I wonder how these responses would differ if DH was spending money without regard to anyone else in the family. (Remember, the issue isn't the one dish, its that OP carries 90% of the load on the home front in addition to a full time job.)

The concept of being a completely separate unattached, autonomous person dies when you say "i do." Yet when it comes to household/kid stuff more often that not the initial response is to just shut up and put up with whatever the other person's sloppy/lazy habits are. I find it so odd. If you want to stay completely autonomous, get a roommate. Don't get married, commit to building a life WITH another person, and have kids.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t read all the comments yet, but in light of some I’ve read that are attacking OP as overeacting etc., I suggest they should read this article:

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2022/04/marriage-problems-fight-dishes/629526/

(It might require registration but not subscription.)

Marriages die over exactly these things, in a constellation over many years where it becomes clear that one partner is not willing to respect the other partner enough to do a simple thing that costs them nothing but means a very great deal to their partner because it is not only about consistent behavior modeling for the children, it is also about having consideration for the feelings of one’s partner and showing that their preferences matter.

[Anonymous]

It’s not ok to chide your DH like he’s a child. Dial it back to how you talked and interacted when you first met. Be respectful and playful.

[Anonymous]

He didn’t double down, you did. I’d divorce you. You sound high strung and causing arguments for nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you come at him like that? It’s very accusatory. How about he honey, could you please put your plate in the dishwasher when you’ve finished?

What's your recommendation on how I should have responded?

DP. You should not have said anything at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you come at him like that? It’s very accusatory. How about he honey, could you please put your plate in the dishwasher when you’ve finished?

Lol. She probably tried than a million other times and first.

The guy had an ego and control problem, and gets off on annoying her with krap habits and talking back.

He’s probably been doing this since he was a kid.

They should go to weekly counseling and walk through any examples that came up and why it’s big time disrespect or mind games or contempt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like you have pretty bad anxiety and are controlling and rigid as a result. I know because I have bad anxiety and it makes me controlling too. Treat your anxiety first and force yourself to take deep breaths and step away from the situation (literally or figuratively--you don't have to actually leave the room necessarily but just take a few deep breaths and ignore the plate for a few moments and think about if this is really important or worth getting into a fight or not) before making a comment.

You have to prioritize things in your life. What's more important? That a plate is not put on the couch/gets taken to the sink right away or that your family enjoys a nice, relaxing evening together? What's more important? That a plate is put away or that your husband and kids always feel on edge around you/in their own home because they know you get annoyed by little, stupid things all the time?

Huh?

Are you trying to saw that when you live with a slob you end up having to be more vigilant and solo parent the kids more and solo pick up more stuff?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you come at him like that? It’s very accusatory. How about he honey, could you please put your plate in the dishwasher when you’ve finished?

What's your recommendation on how I should have responded?

You: Hey, can you put the plate in the sink?

Him: sure.

See how easy that is?

You: Hey, can you put the plate in the sink?

Him: later

Dog: jumps on couch and plate to lick it clean and makes a bigger mess

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This all could have been avoided had you just asked him if he was finished eating then you could have just picked the plate up yourself.

The tug of war power play is what's going on in your house. Alpha female vs. Alpha male. LET IT GO.

Yes, this is so it and doesn't get talked about enough. Two people who always want to have the last word are going to have a lot of conflict.

House rule to clear your sport yourself or not?

Or do nothing and have mommy get everyone’s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. It isn't just the plate on the couch (which is weird) it is the constant things that add up. It is never that one thing in life.

Was he drinking, even just a beer? I have seen this dynamic with a friend. One beer and he pushes back at everything--can't be wrong. Next morning he concedes he is wrong. Talk about getting old.

I do think that saying things nicely to see if you can turn the tide. Hey, do you mind putting the plate in the sink? A shame that we have to treat adults like kids.

Op here, thank you for reading it how I meant but clearly not how it is coming off. Yes, it's not just the plate on the couch, it is the constant things adding up.

OP most people couldn’t live with someone “correcting” them like that. Your DH is probably way, way more on the tolerant side than you think. You really are the problem here. If you think it’s going to break your marriage, it will only fix if you’re willing to do some hard work on yourself.

Our issues are NOT over me correcting him all the time. I shared one example, one thing that happened last night. It's much more than that. My point was that our disagreements are about little things. It's NOT about him doing things I dont like. That's not what our marriage is about. Our disagreements are about day to day things.

Everyone is coming out me... fine. You can say I am completely wrong in last night's situation, fine. What you dont see is the ridiculous amount of frustration behind that situation.

It's about me doing 90% of the work at home despite trying to have many conversations about how I need help because we both work full time but I am the only one doing laundry, doing groceries, packing kids lunches, making sure kids have what they need for school/activities, cleaning the home, doing ALL the things ETC. DH feels like he does his part but the issue is that there is way more than needs to be done. So it falls on me. ALL OF IT! We have had conversations about it, I even wrote him a letter once so I could calmly lay it all out. DH agrees with me, he agrees that most of the load falls on me but nothing changes.

SO yes... after coming home from a full week of work, and taking care of all the household stuff after work, I saw a plate on the couch and got frustrated.

I have been there.

Counseling really helped me. I think what I realized from listening to him in counseling is that I just have to let him be who he is and paddle my own canoe.

That 1000% means I had to adjust my goals for our domestic life. I just did. I can’t make him be the partner/teammate I thought he would be. I can’t! There is only the him who is there, and he is in charge of that person. I still love him. I have a different and perhaps more realistic view.

Part of the problem was that I felt like I would be a doormat or a chump if I stopped pushing for him to pull his weight. But ultimately, our relationship is much better because I fully respect his autonomy. If you do that and you really hate the lazy schmuck who lives in your house, you can still get divorced.

I'm not OP but why do you have to be the one to change? Why does your partner get to have a spouse + a personal assistant/chef/housekeeper (whatever it is he isn't pulling his weight on)? The rest of us would love a partner who took care of the rest of these pesky life details. Or even just an equal partner.

DP. We can only control ourselves, not other people.

That doesn’t excuse poor behavior from a partner. It takes two to have a partnership.

It's not excusing the other partner. It's just the reality of life. The partner did not write here about advice; OP did. And all we can say is what she can do to change her part in the dynamic. If the partner wrote here we'd be telling him what HE could do differently.

You can blame the other partner all you want, but it's not getting sh!t done.

Correct. A relationship, partnership and household is only as functional as its most dysfunctional member.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read all the comments yet, but in light of some I’ve read that are attacking OP as overeacting etc., I suggest they should read this article:

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2022/04/marriage-problems-fight-dishes/629526/

(It might require registration but not subscription.)

Marriages die over exactly these things, in a constellation over many years where it becomes clear that one partner is not willing to respect the other partner enough to do a simple thing that costs them nothing but means a very great deal to their partner because it is not only about consistent behavior modeling for the children, it is also about having consideration for the feelings of one’s partner and showing that their preferences matter.

No, people (overwhelmingly women) kill their marriages over these things. They don't have enough consideration for their partners feelings and preferences to let things go, so they decide that their anger matters more than their families. I love my wife more than I love my pride, so I pick up the plates if its bothering me, and we have a happy marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. It isn't just the plate on the couch (which is weird) it is the constant things that add up. It is never that one thing in life.

Was he drinking, even just a beer? I have seen this dynamic with a friend. One beer and he pushes back at everything--can't be wrong. Next morning he concedes he is wrong. Talk about getting old.

I do think that saying things nicely to see if you can turn the tide. Hey, do you mind putting the plate in the sink? A shame that we have to treat adults like kids.

Op here, thank you for reading it how I meant but clearly not how it is coming off. Yes, it's not just the plate on the couch, it is the constant things adding up.

OP most people couldn’t live with someone “correcting” them like that. Your DH is probably way, way more on the tolerant side than you think. You really are the problem here. If you think it’s going to break your marriage, it will only fix if you’re willing to do some hard work on yourself.

Our issues are NOT over me correcting him all the time. I shared one example, one thing that happened last night. It's much more than that. My point was that our disagreements are about little things. It's NOT about him doing things I dont like. That's not what our marriage is about. Our disagreements are about day to day things.

Everyone is coming out me... fine. You can say I am completely wrong in last night's situation, fine. What you dont see is the ridiculous amount of frustration behind that situation.

It's about me doing 90% of the work at home despite trying to have many conversations about how I need help because we both work full time but I am the only one doing laundry, doing groceries, packing kids lunches, making sure kids have what they need for school/activities, cleaning the home, doing ALL the things ETC. DH feels like he does his part but the issue is that there is way more than needs to be done. So it falls on me. ALL OF IT! We have had conversations about it, I even wrote him a letter once so I could calmly lay it all out. DH agrees with me, he agrees that most of the load falls on me but nothing changes.

SO yes... after coming home from a full week of work, and taking care of all the household stuff after work, I saw a plate on the couch and got frustrated.

I have been there.

Counseling really helped me. I think what I realized from listening to him in counseling is that I just have to let him be who he is and paddle my own canoe.

That 1000% means I had to adjust my goals for our domestic life. I just did. I can’t make him be the partner/teammate I thought he would be. I can’t! There is only the him who is there, and he is in charge of that person. I still love him. I have a different and perhaps more realistic view.

Part of the problem was that I felt like I would be a doormat or a chump if I stopped pushing for him to pull his weight. But ultimately, our relationship is much better because I fully respect his autonomy. If you do that and you really hate the lazy schmuck who lives in your house, you can still get divorced.

I'm not OP but why do you have to be the one to change? Why does your partner get to have a spouse + a personal assistant/chef/housekeeper (whatever it is he isn't pulling his weight on)? The rest of us would love a partner who took care of the rest of these pesky life details. Or even just an equal partner.

DP. We can only control ourselves, not other people.

That doesn’t excuse poor behavior from a partner. It takes two to have a partnership.

It's not excusing the other partner. It's just the reality of life. The partner did not write here about advice; OP did. And all we can say is what she can do to change her part in the dynamic. If the partner wrote here we'd be telling him what HE could do differently.

You can blame the other partner all you want, but it's not getting sh!t done.

Duh.
Why would he write anything? He does whatever the F he wants. Including leaving his dirty pizza plates on the couch.