Sad about no longer being attracted to DW

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men - the vast majority - are shallow ignorant sex obsessed a-holes.

My theory is that many wives just do not care anymore after years of realizing what a nasty selfish jerk they’re shackled to. They don’t really want to have sex with those jerks and likely let the weight pile on to keep him at bay.

A nice dish of creamy sauced pasta is 100x better than sex with a selfish jerk man child husband anyway.

I love sex and I like my husband and a dish of creamy pasta is nonetheless rough competition for sex with my husband, especially in a fantasy scenario where I can eat carbs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, most women are more motivated to look good when they are complimented not criticized. So find something you like about your wife's appearance and compliment it. Tell her that you love when she wears [insert whatever you actually like on her that she feels confident in]. When you give her positive feedback on the things that you like, that will encourage her to do them more. (Assuming that you also put effort into your appearance).

Even though I’m somewhat overweight my husband often compliments me on how I look and I really appreciate it after many years. Part of my being attracted to him is just that.

So I should compliment her even if it's a lie?

You’ve mistaken or option for a fact,

A lie is “I find you beautiful right now” well you find its it’s a lie.

You are beautiful right now is not a lie because she is and your not referencing your opinion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why wouldn't you say something?

Loving couples tell each other these things. Don't fall for the DCUM saboteurs who tell you to always keep criticism to yourself. When it's constructive, and impacts your relationship with your wife, you HAVE to say something.

Also the body-positivity movement is deleterious to our health as a population. No, excess fat is NOT healthy. This is why we have a diabetes epidemic in our country. Overweight and obese people are eating their way to strokes, heart attacks, dementia and diabetes. Their loved ones will suffer the economic fallout (because the US has decided that healthcare should be exorbitant) and the caregiving burden. It's NOT good for them to be told nothing, or be told: "way to go, you're beautiful at any weight!".

So please say something.

+1

My husband said something to me after I had kids. I am grateful to him for being honest with me. He also supported me by paying for a trainer 3x a week, a gym membership, and watching kids on Saturday mornings so I exercise. I'm a SAHM. I went back to work for a short time, and I did not have the energy to work out anymore during this time, so if your wife has a really stressful job she may be too depleted to exercise. In your situation, I think you should tell your wife the truth but also say that you want to be healthier too. Do something about the food you eat and what you have in the house. Try a plant-based whole foods diet with turkey, chicken, and fish, low in sugar and fat. Suggest doing really active things in your free time together.

You say you both get plenty of exercise, but I don't think that can be the case. How much exercise and what are you doing?

Being a good partner means telling the other person the truth even when it's painful, but being supportive.

You're a SAHM, OP's wife is not. OP would not respect you since you don't have a career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, most women are more motivated to look good when they are complimented not criticized. So find something you like about your wife's appearance and compliment it. Tell her that you love when she wears [insert whatever you actually like on her that she feels confident in]. When you give her positive feedback on the things that you like, that will encourage her to do them more. (Assuming that you also put effort into your appearance).

Even though I’m somewhat overweight my husband often compliments me on how I look and I really appreciate it after many years. Part of my being attracted to him is just that.

So I should compliment her even if it's a lie?

You need to look harder to find something you like. Do you think you are a middle aged prince and it's easy to find you attractive?

In my 30's and 40's my wife complained that I was "underweight" (though I was about 5'9" 175 and ran more marathons) and that I needed more weight so I could appear to be more manly.

I started lifting weights more in my 50's (gaining the weight she wanted me to gain) and definitely think I look better than I did 10 years ago.

Meanwhile, she let herself go.

So there's that.

You sound like a wimp. Stop complaining and divorce her instead of being a sad sack.

I don't want to break up my family.

The stop being a sad sack

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why wouldn't you say something?

Loving couples tell each other these things. Don't fall for the DCUM saboteurs who tell you to always keep criticism to yourself. When it's constructive, and impacts your relationship with your wife, you HAVE to say something.

Also the body-positivity movement is deleterious to our health as a population. No, excess fat is NOT healthy. This is why we have a diabetes epidemic in our country. Overweight and obese people are eating their way to strokes, heart attacks, dementia and diabetes. Their loved ones will suffer the economic fallout (because the US has decided that healthcare should be exorbitant) and the caregiving burden. It's NOT good for them to be told nothing, or be told: "way to go, you're beautiful at any weight!".

So please say something.

+1

My husband said something to me after I had kids. I am grateful to him for being honest with me. He also supported me by paying for a trainer 3x a week, a gym membership, and watching kids on Saturday mornings so I exercise. I'm a SAHM. I went back to work for a short time, and I did not have the energy to work out anymore during this time, so if your wife has a really stressful job she may be too depleted to exercise. In your situation, I think you should tell your wife the truth but also say that you want to be healthier too. Do something about the food you eat and what you have in the house. Try a plant-based whole foods diet with turkey, chicken, and fish, low in sugar and fat. Suggest doing really active things in your free time together.

You say you both get plenty of exercise, but I don't think that can be the case. How much exercise and what are you doing?

Being a good partner means telling the other person the truth even when it's painful, but being supportive.

My husband comments on my diet, but it's not because of my weight or how attractive I am. It's because I have some health issues and my husband adores me and doesn't want me to die young. If there isn't sincere care about health and the partner's wellbeing--if the comments are primarily concerned with OP's own sexual/visual satisfaction--then comments will likely do more harm than good. Honestly it doesn't sound like OP likes his own wife so I doubt comments about her diet or appearance would land well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know, OP is allowed to have his feelings. His wife gained a lot of weight and he’s not attracted to her anymore- that’s fair. Men are allowed to have feelings and shouldn’t be shamed for it. How he expresses those feelings is going to make a big difference in his marriage.

He can have whatever feelings he wants. But he sounds like a total ahole. So there’s that. No wha his wife doesn’t know what he thinks. And his kids probably do (or at least will when they are older).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men - the vast majority - are shallow ignorant sex obsessed a-holes.

My theory is that many wives just do not care anymore after years of realizing what a nasty selfish jerk they’re shackled to. They don’t really want to have sex with those jerks and likely let the weight pile on to keep him at bay.

A nice dish of creamy sauced pasta is 100x better than sex with a selfish jerk man child husband anyway.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be upset if my husband put on like 100 extra pounds for no good reason too. I'd probably divorce him bc I don't find that attractive or want to be associated with someone who is that fat in a daily basis. If it's from like a legit health issue (cancer) different story but I see it all the time: women have kids and then get super fat. I'm a woman and have 3 kids and am still at my thin college weight.

So much for “for better or worse” geez!

DP. We wrote our own vows and that wasn't one of them. Maybe the same dor OP.

We had our one kid 17 years ago and my wife is 30 pounds heavier than her highest pregnancy weight. I empathize with OP.

In that case, did you just get married for legal purposes? If your marriage is just a legal convenience, why stay married?

[Anonymous]

I'm not going to flame you. I really appreciate that my DH has stayed in excellent shape during our 25 year marriage. No belly. Nice muscle tone. Always smells good. Dresses well. Of course, I would still love him if he got fat and dressed poorly but I wouldn't be turned on. Drive fade over time anyway; I definitely don't need a disgust factor pushing mine lower. I think staying attractive is even more important for a woman since men are such visual creatures. I exercise and watch my weight carefully because it makes me feel good, but my primary motivation is staying attractive for my husband. Would he still love me if I didn't? I think yes. But I'm sure he wouldn't be as attracted to or proud of me. It's a tough spot you're in - I think you're right that you can't say anything. But if she ever volunteers that she wishes she had more time for exercise or that she wishes she could get her eating under control, definitely jump in and tell her you'll do whatever you can to support her. I've had periods of flabbiness during our marriage - took the longest time bouncing back after the third kid - I'm talking 10 extra pounds but I hated the way I looked and felt. And my husband (wisely) never said a word, but when I mentioned joining a gym, he eagerly said, "I'll help you make that happen. Whatever I need to do, so you can have that time." It was nice - also confirmed to me that he'd noticed the extra pounds too and wanted to support me in taking them off.

[Anonymous]

I’m in the camp of “my husbands an a-hole so I’m certainly not starving myself for his benefit” camp. But I don’t assume that’s Op situation.

Why not just close your eyes and think of someone else? I think half of married people are doing this at least half the time. I suspect the guy on outlander has saved a lot of marriages that way. And the Hemsworth brothers. They are practically performing a public service.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men have such delicate egos and delicate erections. There are few things sadder than an old man who needs a young woman to coax it up.

+1. Maybe she wants to stay with him because he is a nice guy? NAH.

[Anonymous]

Compliment her when she does make an effort, be it dressing up once in a while, or doing something active.

I'd worry about something deeper that's keeping her from caring about her appearance, like depression or some other mental struggles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, most women are more motivated to look good when they are complimented not criticized. So find something you like about your wife's appearance and compliment it. Tell her that you love when she wears [insert whatever you actually like on her that she feels confident in]. When you give her positive feedback on the things that you like, that will encourage her to do them more. (Assuming that you also put effort into your appearance).

Even though I’m somewhat overweight my husband often compliments me on how I look and I really appreciate it after many years. Part of my being attracted to him is just that.

So I should compliment her even if it's a lie?

You need to look harder to find something you like. Do you think you are a middle aged prince and it's easy to find you attractive?

In my 30's and 40's my wife complained that I was "underweight" (though I was about 5'9" 175 and ran more marathons) and that I needed more weight so I could appear to be more manly.

I started lifting weights more in my 50's (gaining the weight she wanted me to gain) and definitely think I look better than I did 10 years ago.

Meanwhile, she let herself go.

So there's that.

You sound like a wimp. Stop complaining and divorce her instead of being a sad sack.

I don't want to break up my family.

Do you have daughters? They will pick up on this.

So true. My father is still married to my mother and sounded just like OP and still does. He calls me fat and harps on it when I weigh 125 lbs. Then he compliments me when I weigh 115 or 110 lbs. I’m 5’3”. He’s had a beer guy for twenty five years. I roll my eyes and don’t listen to a damn thing he says.

[Anonymous]

I am tired of the pregnancy and hormones excuse for gaining weight in women. I am post-menopausal, as well as many of my friends, and we have not gained tons of weight over the years. I am 50 and weight the same that I did before I had kids. I do cardio, I weight lift, and I eat healthy. I even drink wine, which I know is a no-no on DCUM. I do stay away from Snicker bars, creamy pasta, etc, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The idea that women (or anyone) can lose weight only if they have the time to work out and cook healthy food is a lie spread to sell stuff (like gym memberships, personal trainers, and expensive groceries) and to make people feel better about being fat. If you want to lose weight, you have to take in fewer calories than you burn. The most efficient way to do that is to eat less, which means developing better habits about your food consumption. Plus, eating less takes LESS time and costs LESS money. The amount your body burns in its resting state declines as you age, which means that to avoid gaining weight as you age, you have to also reduce the amount you eat. It's very simple, and the nutritionists who aren't trying to sell you some fad product know this.

You are stuck in bad science from the dark ages, poster. There is literally a mountain of medical research evidence that totally disproves the calories in/calories out (CICO) theory of weight loss. It is total bunk. It does not acknowledge the differences of calories sources nor the very complex interworkings of hormones and other factors in the body, and how very individual we are.

https://www.health.harvard.edu/staying-healthy/stop-counting-calories

I could literally post links all day long that reiterate that CICO is total and complete bullshit. Only closed minded gym rats and people selling BS diet methods are still squawking CICO to people. Get with the times and the nutritional science.

I think you're taking that article too seriously. It suggests that you need to eat healthy and exercise in order to lose weight. The reason being, you get bigger bang for your buck if you eat chicken breast instead of Twinkies for lunch. In the end, it's still CICO really, just that high-quality calories makes it easier to maintain the weight.

No, there is a mountain of evidence against the CICO theory of weight loss. Because all calories aren’t the same - because our bodies don’t utilize all of the calories in some foods, and overutilize calories from other foods. Because hormones massively impact the bodies ability to convert consumed energy to fuel the body, and where that fuel will go.

But go ahead and hold onto your stupid wrongheaded gym acquired nutritional junk science beliefs.

Go ahead, you can eat another Snickers bar -- the calories won't count!

How do you live independently in the world being this incredibly stupid?