In-laws are broke, DH has offered to help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The financial gift my parents gave me was breaking the cycle. They are the sandwich generation in our family. They both grew up lower middle class and were completely on their own at 18. Still, they managed to pay for my siblings and me to go to college and professional/grad school, they supported each of their parents for a long time, and they have their own retirement adequately funded. I am very aware of the hard work and sacrifices they made to set up my generation for an easier life, and I’ve modeled my own life after them and saved aggressively for my retirement and the kids’ college.

I also can also relate to OP because DH is sandwiched in his family to provide for his parents, save for his own retirement and (help me) provide for our kids. It is a HUGE source of contention. I have to battle him over how to prioritize spending/saving MY income (him asking me to save less for the kids’ college or retirement, effectively so he can give more to his parents). It’s just terrible to ask/expect your children to provide for you in your old age as it affects them, their spouse and their children.

There is not an easy answer, but if OP works, then just carveout savings for things like a house down payment, college and retirement, and figure out how to make the rest work net of those priorities.

You just said your parents were sandwiched caring for their parents and you and your siblings. Yet you can’t understand your Dh wants to help his parents.

This is not an uncommon marital disagreement. Dh and I don’t argue about it but I have multiple friends who do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Old people want to age in place and stay in their houses and that's fair.

What's not fair is when they were young people who bought a luxury house on credit they can't afford, and tryd to scam their kid to pay for it.

I don’t think they are scamming kids.

My dad can no longer care for himself. He doesn’t want to go to a nursing home and wants to stay home. My elderly mom, brother and 2 home aids take care of him at home. He is not scamming anyone. He wants to die at home.

He is scamming others if he isn't paying for it himself.

Taking food from his grandchildrens mouths to pay for this is scamming them.

I think it teaches family values. My children have watched me care for my parents. We have given up family vacations to visit my parents. We have visited both my mom and dad in the hospital and rehab center and when they return home.

I hope that my children will visit me and take care of me when I’m old.

I’m alswayz surprised how selfish and disloyal people can be towards their family. Of course there are exceptions if there was abuse but these are the people who gave you life and raised you.

"Family values"? You mean FOO values? You'd rather your children endanger their own finances, their spouses finances and their childrens future just to support you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Old people want to age in place and stay in their houses and that's fair.

What's not fair is when they were young people who bought a luxury house on credit they can't afford, and tryd to scam their kid to pay for it.

I don’t think they are scamming kids.

My dad can no longer care for himself. He doesn’t want to go to a nursing home and wants to stay home. My elderly mom, brother and 2 home aids take care of him at home. He is not scamming anyone. He wants to die at home.

He is scamming others if he isn't paying for it himself.

Taking food from his grandchildrens mouths to pay for this is scamming them.

I think it teaches family values. My children have watched me care for my parents. We have given up family vacations to visit my parents. We have visited both my mom and dad in the hospital and rehab center and when they return home.

I hope that my children will visit me and take care of me when I’m old.

I’m alswayz surprised how selfish and disloyal people can be towards their family. Of course there are exceptions if there was abuse but these are the people who gave you life and raised you.

These people are literally putting off home ownership to take care of people who can't save a dime. How is that family values? Dont you want your children to thrive and be successful and have their own family? Or you'd rather just take their pay check and have a lazy life? Taking money from their savings, retirement and college savings to support someone who refuses to make sound financial decisions?

What a horrible view from a parent to a child.

[Anonymous]

I have not read all of the posts in this thread. Based on what I read, OP has not shared enough information. For example, helping the parents qualify for a lower rate mortgage might be an option as could shared ownership. Also, need incomes & mortgage payment info.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Old people want to age in place and stay in their houses and that's fair.

What's not fair is when they were young people who bought a luxury house on credit they can't afford, and tryd to scam their kid to pay for it.

I don’t think they are scamming kids.

My dad can no longer care for himself. He doesn’t want to go to a nursing home and wants to stay home. My elderly mom, brother and 2 home aids take care of him at home. He is not scamming anyone. He wants to die at home.

He is scamming others if he isn't paying for it himself.

Taking food from his grandchildrens mouths to pay for this is scamming them.

I think it teaches family values. My children have watched me care for my parents. We have given up family vacations to visit my parents. We have visited both my mom and dad in the hospital and rehab center and when they return home.

I hope that my children will visit me and take care of me when I’m old.

I’m alswayz surprised how selfish and disloyal people can be towards their family. Of course there are exceptions if there was abuse but these are the people who gave you life and raised you.

I'm always surprised how selfish parents can be. You'd rather your kids support you instead of funding their childrens college funds. You'd rather your kids support you instead of buying their own home. You'd rather your kids support you instead of funding their own retirement. How dare you call someone else selfish when you're this terrible of a parent and this terrible with money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Old people want to age in place and stay in their houses and that's fair.

What's not fair is when they were young people who bought a luxury house on credit they can't afford, and tryd to scam their kid to pay for it.

I don’t think they are scamming kids.

My dad can no longer care for himself. He doesn’t want to go to a nursing home and wants to stay home. My elderly mom, brother and 2 home aids take care of him at home. He is not scamming anyone. He wants to die at home.

He is scamming others if he isn't paying for it himself.

Taking food from his grandchildrens mouths to pay for this is scamming them.

I think it teaches family values. My children have watched me care for my parents. We have given up family vacations to visit my parents. We have visited both my mom and dad in the hospital and rehab center and when they return home.

I hope that my children will visit me and take care of me when I’m old.

I’m alswayz surprised how selfish and disloyal people can be towards their family. Of course there are exceptions if there was abuse but these are the people who gave you life and raised you.

That is just normal, caring family stuff and not financial support. I don't think good parents expect financial support from their kids.

[Anonymous]

Wait a minute..I thought all Boomers were hoarding money by staying in their
house purchased with the low interest rates when they were young teens- that have now made them all wildly rich, preventing everyone else from owning any property ever. Oh, and taunting everyone with it.

So, no, it turns out it's not a thing? Oh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait a minute..I thought all Boomers were hoarding money by staying in their
house purchased with the low interest rates when they were young teens- that have now made them all wildly rich, preventing everyone else from owning any property ever. Oh, and taunting everyone with it.

So, no, it turns out it's not a thing? Oh.

Many are! The rest are out spending like there's no tomorrow and expecting their kids to pick up the tab.

[Anonymous]

One idea is becoming more common, and that is combining resources and buying a larger house with inlaw space. Everyone doesn't have to be underfoot,either , the way it's designed. No one is homeless, everyone has an asset, and kids can inherit the house in total later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The financial gift my parents gave me was breaking the cycle. They are the sandwich generation in our family. They both grew up lower middle class and were completely on their own at 18. Still, they managed to pay for my siblings and me to go to college and professional/grad school, they supported each of their parents for a long time, and they have their own retirement adequately funded. I am very aware of the hard work and sacrifices they made to set up my generation for an easier life, and I’ve modeled my own life after them and saved aggressively for my retirement and the kids’ college.

I also can also relate to OP because DH is sandwiched in his family to provide for his parents, save for his own retirement and (help me) provide for our kids. It is a HUGE source of contention. I have to battle him over how to prioritize spending/saving MY income (him asking me to save less for the kids’ college or retirement, effectively so he can give more to his parents). It’s just terrible to ask/expect your children to provide for you in your old age as it affects them, their spouse and their children.

There is not an easy answer, but if OP works, then just carveout savings for things like a house down payment, college and retirement, and figure out how to make the rest work net of those priorities.

You just said your parents were sandwiched caring for their parents and you and your siblings. Yet you can’t understand your Dh wants to help his parents.

This is not an uncommon marital disagreement. Dh and I don’t argue about it but I have multiple friends who do.

It is a common source of conflict in marriages. I understand his position. I have empathy for him. He also understands mine. The issue that our priorities are in direct conflict. I am also resentful toward his parents for putting him, our marriage and our kids in this position, and I'm not going to do it to our own kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait a minute..I thought all Boomers were hoarding money by staying in their
house purchased with the low interest rates when they were young teens- that have now made them all wildly rich, preventing everyone else from owning any property ever. Oh, and taunting everyone with it.

So, no, it turns out it's not a thing? Oh.

Many are! The rest are out spending like there's no tomorrow and expecting their kids to pick up the tab.

I see both around me: some made great financial decisions, helped their young adult kids financially to various extents, are now retired with plenty of savings. Then there are the ones who always spent irresponsibly, will have to work forever and/or expect their kids to bail them out. My in-laws are the latter and are incredibly resentful of relatives who made better choices and so bitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait a minute..I thought all Boomers were hoarding money by staying in their
house purchased with the low interest rates when they were young teens- that have now made them all wildly rich, preventing everyone else from owning any property ever. Oh, and taunting everyone with it.

So, no, it turns out it's not a thing? Oh.

Many are! The rest are out spending like there's no tomorrow and expecting their kids to pick up the tab.

If they are spending it is because they have the money, so no one is picking up the tab, and because it isn't a crime to spend their own money. And no, they didn't game the system- they paid the same dues, no low interesr rates 20 , 30 years ago, and it took both salaries and 35 + years of work to qualify. It's nice if there is an inheritance, but it shouldn't be assumed.
This thread subject is more realistic. Many Boomers are not sitting in the lap of luxury and it isn't because they were reckless. They never had all this supposed wealth .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait a minute..I thought all Boomers were hoarding money by staying in their
house purchased with the low interest rates when they were young teens- that have now made them all wildly rich, preventing everyone else from owning any property ever. Oh, and taunting everyone with it.

So, no, it turns out it's not a thing? Oh.

Many are! The rest are out spending like there's no tomorrow and expecting their kids to pick up the tab.

I see both around me: some made great financial decisions, helped their young adult kids financially to various extents, are now retired with plenty of savings. Then there are the ones who always spent irresponsibly, will have to work forever and/or expect their kids to bail them out. My in-laws are the latter and are incredibly resentful of relatives who made better choices and so bitter.

Like everyone. It's particular, not generational.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait a minute..I thought all Boomers were hoarding money by staying in their
house purchased with the low interest rates when they were young teens- that have now made them all wildly rich, preventing everyone else from owning any property ever. Oh, and taunting everyone with it.

So, no, it turns out it's not a thing? Oh.

Many are! The rest are out spending like there's no tomorrow and expecting their kids to pick up the tab.

If they are spending it is because they have the money, so no one is picking up the tab, and because it isn't a crime to spend their own money. And no, they didn't game the system- they paid the same dues, no low interesr rates 20 , 30 years ago, and it took both salaries and 35 + years of work to qualify. It's nice if there is an inheritance, but it shouldn't be assumed.
This thread subject is more realistic. Many Boomers are not sitting in the lap of luxury and it isn't because they were reckless. They never had all this supposed wealth .

Are you reading the correct thread? They can't afford their mortgage. There is no inheritance, there is no money, there is debt and potential homelessness looming. GMAFB here. They cant afford their lifestyle and their kids are paying the price.

[Anonymous]

I think OP needs to provide specifics. How much money are we talking about, and how much money does OP and her husband make?