DD wants to transfer out of top university but DH won't allow it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

dcmom12345 wrote:The Ivy is Columbia for clarification. Loved NYC and campus when visited now says she feels stressed not only by intense students but of the intense and fast pace vibe of the city.

Columbia students who want to ignore the city and its pressure can so so relatively easily. If she nevertheless has city stress, she may have other issues going on. Columbia is a tough place. I would suggest RUCE. Or get out of math.

Maybe it is the math major that is stressing her out. Sounds like HS was intense and she is burned out. Do you think she should have taken a gap year?

Maybe. Columbia itself adds a lot to the burnout though. The kids we know who've gone over the past couple of years say the reality doesn't live up to the window dressing.

It is a school that works for a certain kind of kid - independent, intense, socially confident, high energy, highly motivated with the stamina to grind

Totally agree with this. I graduated from Columbia about a decade ago and hated every second.

OP, please do everything to let your DD leave. I regret not leaving Columbia as soon as I could, and that’s a pretty common sentiment on campus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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dcmom12345 wrote:I agree and offered my support for her to transfer. The issue is I can't pay for it alone and DH won't contribute.

Does your husband make all the decisions in your household? I don’t see why his opinions matters on this. He needs to respect his daughter’s decision, and you need to get him to that place.

His opinion matters because it can’t be done unless he pays, nitwit.

If DD decides to flout his wishes then he does not have to “respect” that in the sense of paying for it.

But who parents like that? Disregarding the voices of his “partner” and adult child??

He is not king.

Typical female attitude: “my money is my money, your money is our money.” 🙄

If he has the money and strongly believes his wife and daughter are making a profound mistake then yes he is the king and nobody else gets a vote.

Then they do t have a marriage of partners. He is being manipulative and controlling. And yes abusive.

I h e zero respect for men like him (or women if roles were reversed but Leh it’s always the men).

Not giving women whatever they want is being “abusive and controlling”.🙄 If anything most of the replies in this thread recommend that the OP bully her husband into surrendering. In other words, they want OP to act abusive and controlling towards him. (Typical DCUM attitude.) Poor guy just gets to earn the money, he doesn’t get any say in how it’s spent. 🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

dcmom12345 wrote:I agree and offered my support for her to transfer. The issue is I can't pay for it alone and DH won't contribute.

Does your husband make all the decisions in your household? I don’t see why his opinions matters on this. He needs to respect his daughter’s decision, and you need to get him to that place.

His opinion matters because it can’t be done unless he pays, nitwit.

If DD decides to flout his wishes then he does not have to “respect” that in the sense of paying for it.

But who parents like that? Disregarding the voices of his “partner” and adult child??

He is not king.

Typical female attitude: “my money is my money, your money is our money.” 🙄

If he has the money and strongly believes his wife and daughter are making a profound mistake then yes he is the king and nobody else gets a vote.

Then they do t have a marriage of partners. He is being manipulative and controlling. And yes abusive.

I h e zero respect for men like him (or women if roles were reversed but Leh it’s always the men).

Not giving women whatever they want is being “abusive and controlling”.🙄 If anything most of the replies in this thread recommend that the OP bully her husband into surrendering. In other words, they want OP to act abusive and controlling towards him. (Typical DCUM attitude.) Poor guy just gets to earn the money, he doesn’t get any say in how it’s spent. 🙄

My son wanted to transfer midway through his freshman year. I told him that he could apply wherever he wanted but I would decide if I would pay for it if he was accepted. I’m a guy, so I guess I was abusive and controlling. He was accepted somewhere else and I told him I thought it was a bad idea for him to transfer there. A couple of weeks later, he called me a said he had found some friends and was going to stay where he was. I sensed that there was a girl in the picture and it turned out I was right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

dcmom12345 wrote:I agree and offered my support for her to transfer. The issue is I can't pay for it alone and DH won't contribute.

Does your husband make all the decisions in your household? I don’t see why his opinions matters on this. He needs to respect his daughter’s decision, and you need to get him to that place.

His opinion matters because it can’t be done unless he pays, nitwit.

If DD decides to flout his wishes then he does not have to “respect” that in the sense of paying for it.

This isn’t the Stone Age, dear

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is such a troll post.

Suckers.

I think so as well, but who cares? It’s not about OP after page 1; it’s about strangers debating ideas with other strangers. Clearly there is satisfaction in it or we wouldn’t engage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Consider transferring to:

Northwestern, Chicago, Vanderbilt, Michigan, Rice.

I don't think the "pressure cooker" level at some of these schools are much different from Columbia.

Vanderbilt is in no way a pressure cooker, but it is the one southern school, and so there could be quite a culture shock. I say that as someone who transferred there. I would have her consider the cities as well as the colleges. Chicago is great but is a major city, and she might like a smaller college down like Ann Arbor which is once again, not a pressure cooker but a big sports school.

Alabama is a big sports school. Michigan is an intense world-class university and it also has some prominent sports teams.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can usually only transfer to start your junior year.

Where did you get this idea?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not that easy to transfer sophomore year

Have her come home community college then reapply

Her list is garbage honestly penn state Florida state to Colgate WTH? Who made that list ?

I agree with DH she stays or community college then she pays school of her choice

It’s not because her current school is an ivy that I agree with him it’s because she’s immature clearly from her list and should not be a four year school

She’s immature not college ready

Omg, this poster again. Ignore this person. The poster is not college ready. Your kid is fine.

[Anonymous]

Students with the best outcomes are top of their class, and it doesn’t matter what school. This is because people do not compare themselves to the world at large but to the people around them. If surrounded by superstars, a person might struggle due to comparing themselves to the superstars.

I doubt your DH will believe that but Malcolm Gladwell shared the data in a talk at Google. Gladwell has bestsellers—good to know since your DH seems fixated on prestige.

With parenting, you are playing the long game ideally. Your child will not be forced to come home to the Thanksgiving table or to visit you or to have a relationship with you. Make your choices based on the fact you are in relationship with someone and not just pounding them over the head or threatening them because you like prestige schools.

DH using his financial power this way and using threats is not good for his relationship with your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can usually only transfer to start your junior year.

Where did you get this idea?

From working at top colleges, most transfers begin for junior year.

But if you mean average state university or low ranked schools that take the majority of students, then it's different.

[Anonymous]

Michigan would check all of her desired traits and your dh put it on his approved list, so I’d encourage her to apply to Michigan and UMD as a transfer. If she gets into Michigan great, if not then she could transfer to UMD paying for it with a combo of your contribution and merit/aid/loans (I’d also be surprised if when it comes down to it your dh wouldn’t help pay, but what do any of us besides you know about his mentality).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

dcmom12345 wrote:I agree and offered my support for her to transfer. The issue is I can't pay for it alone and DH won't contribute.

Does your husband make all the decisions in your household? I don’t see why his opinions matters on this. He needs to respect his daughter’s decision, and you need to get him to that place.

His opinion matters because it can’t be done unless he pays, nitwit.

If DD decides to flout his wishes then he does not have to “respect” that in the sense of paying for it.

This isn’t the Stone Age, dear

So you think children are automatically owed an expensive college education, paid for by their parents?

Tell me more.

[Anonymous]

Get your daughter a cognitive behavioral therapist.

I think it is good that your daughter is sticking it out for the year. She may have a change of heart by the end. It sounds like she maybe hasn’t made any good friends yet. It can take a year to form meaningful relationships at school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

dcmom12345 wrote:I agree and offered my support for her to transfer. The issue is I can't pay for it alone and DH won't contribute.

Does your husband make all the decisions in your household? I don’t see why his opinions matters on this. He needs to respect his daughter’s decision, and you need to get him to that place.

His opinion matters because it can’t be done unless he pays, nitwit.

If DD decides to flout his wishes then he does not have to “respect” that in the sense of paying for it.

But who parents like that? Disregarding the voices of his “partner” and adult child??

He is not king.

Typical female attitude: “my money is my money, your money is our money.” 🙄

If he has the money and strongly believes his wife and daughter are making a profound mistake then yes he is the king and nobody else gets a vote.

Then they do t have a marriage of partners. He is being manipulative and controlling. And yes abusive.

I h e zero respect for men like him (or women if roles were reversed but Leh it’s always the men).

Not giving women whatever they want is being “abusive and controlling”.🙄 sometimes they need a little guidance, but they just don’t realize it If anything most of the replies in this thread recommend that the OP bully her husband into surrendering. In other words, they want OP to act abusive and controlling towards him. (Typical DCUM attitude.) Poor guy just gets to earn the money, he doesn’t get any say in how it’s spent. 🙄 unfortunately a very typical situation today

Given the daughter’s attitude this scenario will repeat itself for the next generation.

[Anonymous]

dcmom12345 wrote:To add- we live in Maryland so I brought up in UMD as an option with DD seemed okay with but DH put on list of "will not pay for". He gave a list of universities he would consider acceptable which was limited to Chicago, Duke, MIT, Stanford, Caltech, AWS, JHU, Northwestern, RICE, Vandy, Michigan, and Berkeley.

Your husband has given a list of 14 schools for which he would be willing to pay. Based on the transfer acceptance rates from a few years ago, the most realistic options among the list of 14 schools are:

Michigan, Northwestern, Rice, Vanderbilt, and U Chicago. Are any of these 5 National Universities of interest to your daughter ?

Your daughter's list of target schools appears to be a cry for help as Colgate, Wash & Lee, Syracuse, Penn State, FSU, U Miami, and Michigan State are quite different from her current school of Columbia University. Clearly, your daughter wants a much different and far less competitive environment.

U Chicago & Northwestern tend to be more intense academically than Rice, Vanderbilt, and Michigan. U Chicago is outstanding for math, but it is in an urban environment. Northwestern is on the more fast-paced quarter system in which students are expected, but not required, to take 4 courses per quarter term.

OP: Can your daughter and husband agree on any transfer target schools ?

As I wrote in another post in this thread, Vanderbilt & Northwestern are transfer friendly schools and I suspect that Rice is as well. Michigan is so large that it might overwhelm a transfer student even though Michigan would be a far less intense environment than that at Columbia.

Assuming that your daughter may not be open to Houston, Texas (Rice University), maybe she can focus on Vanderbilt, Northwestern, and Colgate as target schools which offer a realistic chance of admission and the status that your husband is seeking for your daughter and his dollars.