If you were from a family with a golden child and scapegoat, how did they turn out as adults?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh. We had a golden child and the scapegoat. I think a lot of scapegoats don’t realize that sometimes it really is something they’re doing. My sibling was an incredibly hard child to raise- wild, didn’t follow rules, they slept little, never did chores. It actually made me into the golden child. It was no fun being the golden child. I have a lot of anxiety and never felt like I could let me parents down. I was always performing and had to be perfect. My parents often cried about my sibling and I had to pickup the slack. I didn’t get much attention. Oh and I had to do all their chores which I’m still bitter about.

I wonder sometimes if my sibling had been more easy going if my life would have been easier too. As it stands I’m still picking up their slack- now just with elder care for our parents.

This is how my mother justified being the Golden Child. In reality there was little difference between her and my aunt other than the fact my aunt challenged family dysfunction.

Golden child in my family is unemployed, has legal battles of her creating, marriage went up in flames due to her cheating and being emotionally abusive, challenging relationship with her child and friendships fall apart often. I am the scapegoat. My mother seemed to think I was the safe place for her rage and my sister even through adulthood would try to find things to blame me for which was strange since we saw eachother maybe once a year at family functions. When my children were being used as pawns and my husband was noticing they were getting worse, we distanced. Healthy choice for us. Mom continues to enable her GC, but now she has to deal directly with her-no unleashing rage on me.

Your stories aren't remotely similar. Main character syndrome?

[Anonymous]

I am skeptical of people who call themselves the scapegoat. My sibling would call themselves the scapegoat (my other sibling is probably the golden child), but they are very difficult, demanding, attention-seeking and also mean. There are probably occurrences of totally innocent children made to be scapegoats, but IME, if your family frequently has issues with you, there is a good chance you are contributing to the problem.

[Anonymous]

To add: the golden child is successful, helpful and generally kind. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out which one my parents prefer being around. (And I say that as a humble forgotten leftover child haha)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am skeptical of people who call themselves the scapegoat. My sibling would call themselves the scapegoat (my other sibling is probably the golden child), but they are very difficult, demanding, attention-seeking and also mean. There are probably occurrences of totally innocent children made to be scapegoats, but IME, if your family frequently has issues with you, there is a good chance you are contributing to the problem.

If you’re the learning type, you can look this topic up and find out how you are pretty much off target here

[Anonymous]

I've posted before, but thought I would share another insight I had. Both my mom and sister were the Golden Child and because they were treated better, they went through life feeling very entitled. Neither of them learned how to cope to with setbacks. I think one of the reasons I am happier than both of them is I know life can be unfair so as I faced significant adversities (major illness, deaths, one of my children has special needs) and minor setbacks I dealt with it and didn't fall apart and tantrum and expect life to be easy. They both struggle with so much and then the behavior gets more entitled which pushes more people away-the same people who were so drawn to the bragging and over-confidence.

They both also will adopt an affected way of speaking during moments of entitlement. I call it the "royal voice." It's funny to see the eye-rolls from strangers and family.

[Anonymous]

This thread has been interesting to read. I used to think I was the golden child. After reading this thread, I don't think that described me. Now, I don't think either of us was the GC or scapegoat.

My mother does prefer me, though, but I'm also easier to deal with and visit more often.

Sibling is self-centered and has the same mental issues as our mother, so the two of them fight, react to each other's anxiety and paranoia, and get angry at one another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am skeptical of people who call themselves the scapegoat. My sibling would call themselves the scapegoat (my other sibling is probably the golden child), but they are very difficult, demanding, attention-seeking and also mean. There are probably occurrences of totally innocent children made to be scapegoats, but IME, if your family frequently has issues with you, there is a good chance you are contributing to the problem.

If you’re the learning type, you can look this topic up and find out how you are pretty much off target here

+1

But I’m going to hazard a guess and say that pp is not the learning type.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread has been interesting to read. I used to think I was the golden child. After reading this thread, I don't think that described me. Now, I don't think either of us was the GC or scapegoat.

My mother does prefer me, though, but I'm also easier to deal with and visit more often.

Sibling is self-centered and has the same mental issues as our mother, so the two of them fight, react to each other's anxiety and paranoia, and get angry at one another.

Identical twin was the favored child. All American Athlete (NCAA D1). Phi Beta Kappa. Not easy to get along with though - a tough kid who made it on his own. I was almost as successful, but was beaten up far more often than my brother and was deemed fat dumb and lazy constantly. Twins were not expected, and I was the second one born and if my father could have found a way to get rid of me without consequences he would have. My mother went along with the favoritism and abuse - she was an addict and was overwhelmed - and siding with my father in abusing me was a means for her survival. It was fortunate that my father abandoned the family, despite the significant poverty. In irony, my mother, and not my father, had all of the athletic talent and it was our means for escape. I was not a scapegoat - just treated badly far more often.

My father's hatred for me never ceased. My last conversation with him a decade ago was merely another reminder of my fat dumb and lazy status. It was his protection mechanism against really hating to be a father, particularly of a son who reminded him of his hated ex wife who trapped him in a marriage. He died without ever meeting his grandchildren (when I told him my daughter was admitted to Princeton he told me not to call him any longer). A difficult and angry guy who never should have had kids.

I am more easy going and people oriented than my brother by far (I still have a pretty intense achievement record) and as a consequence I gave more quality attention to my mother. I could never get her to lead a responsible adult life, though, and it was difficult for her to work through her guilt over both of her sons, but in particular me. She died because she wanted to - very sad.

The good news is that my brother and I were are quite close - and both respect each other significantly. I think we complement each other and I can keep him rational in a calm way. A smart and often ruthless quant Phd with a virtually unmatched record in finance, he is not easy to deal with at times. He lives to crush my father's memory - not a good thing. Of course, since we raised each other since age 16, we didn't do that good of a job and we do understand our flaws and our faults and wish we could do better. Survival and prosperity have been good to us though. Our high school recently inducted us into is hall of fame. There was no way we could attend - it would have been too difficult to deal with the memories. We do think highly of our classmates and our teammates and have been generous to some life long friends, a saving grace, really. As I say, still lucky to be where we are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am skeptical of people who call themselves the scapegoat. My sibling would call themselves the scapegoat (my other sibling is probably the golden child), but they are very difficult, demanding, attention-seeking and also mean. There are probably occurrences of totally innocent children made to be scapegoats, but IME, if your family frequently has issues with you, there is a good chance you are contributing to the problem.

If you’re the learning type, you can look this topic up and find out how you are pretty much off target here

+1

But I’m going to hazard a guess and say that pp is not the learning type.

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread has been interesting to read. I used to think I was the golden child. After reading this thread, I don't think that described me. Now, I don't think either of us was the GC or scapegoat.

My mother does prefer me, though, but I'm also easier to deal with and visit more often.

Sibling is self-centered and has the same mental issues as our mother, so the two of them fight, react to each other's anxiety and paranoia, and get angry at one another.

Identical twin was the favored child. All American Athlete (NCAA D1). Phi Beta Kappa. Not easy to get along with though - a tough kid who made it on his own. I was almost as successful, but was beaten up far more often than my brother and was deemed fat dumb and lazy constantly. Twins were not expected, and I was the second one born and if my father could have found a way to get rid of me without consequences he would have. My mother went along with the favoritism and abuse - she was an addict and was overwhelmed - and siding with my father in abusing me was a means for her survival. It was fortunate that my father abandoned the family, despite the significant poverty. In irony, my mother, and not my father, had all of the athletic talent and it was our means for escape. I was not a scapegoat - just treated badly far more often.

My father's hatred for me never ceased. My last conversation with him a decade ago was merely another reminder of my fat dumb and lazy status. It was his protection mechanism against really hating to be a father, particularly of a son who reminded him of his hated ex wife who trapped him in a marriage. He died without ever meeting his grandchildren (when I told him my daughter was admitted to Princeton he told me not to call him any longer). A difficult and angry guy who never should have had kids.

I am more easy going and people oriented than my brother by far (I still have a pretty intense achievement record) and as a consequence I gave more quality attention to my mother. I could never get her to lead a responsible adult life, though, and it was difficult for her to work through her guilt over both of her sons, but in particular me. She died because she wanted to - very sad.

The good news is that my brother and I were are quite close - and both respect each other significantly. I think we complement each other and I can keep him rational in a calm way. A smart and often ruthless quant Phd with a virtually unmatched record in finance, he is not easy to deal with at times. He lives to crush my father's memory - not a good thing. Of course, since we raised each other since age 16, we didn't do that good of a job and we do understand our flaws and our faults and wish we could do better. Survival and prosperity have been good to us though. Our high school recently inducted us into is hall of fame. There was no way we could attend - it would have been too difficult to deal with the memories. We do think highly of our classmates and our teammates and have been generous to some life long friends, a saving grace, really. As I say, still lucky to be where we are.

Wishing you all the best.
I wonder if you and your brother would have been as high achieving with a caring, patient and easy going father? Are you living to prove him wrong? When do we get to be ourselves?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Scapegoat (that's me) moved far away to avoid getting drawn into that dynamic, living my best life. Have a somewhat distant but otherwise positive relationship with parents.

Golden child stayed golden until around age 40, when she suddenly realized that she was totally enmeshed with our parents and that the flip side of getting all their love and attention is that she also got all their expectations, meddling, neediness, etc. She basically does not speak to our parents anymore except to demand money (and I mean demand, she feels owed). My parents give it to her because it's the only way they ever see her or her kids. It's messed up.

Sister and I have no relationship at all, I only hear about this second hand from my mom, and when I do I say "I'm sorry to hear that, it sounds hard" but otherwise do not involve myself.

This is my family exactly. My sister feels completely entitle to my parents' money. She had their help raising her kids and then when COVID hit, after my dad died, she cut off my mom from her pod and decided to go no contact.

It's hard. Any time I try to stand up for myself (I'm the caretaker now that my sister has stopped communicating with mom, but my needs don't matter in the family at all) I get called a bully. But, with a lot of therapy, I'm feeling like my life is more balanced and I can make decisions about what I want my relationships with family members to look like.

[Anonymous]

I am one of five siblings. The three brothers were the golden children simply because they were boys. My sister and I were less than second class citizens because we were girls. But my sister (the invisible child) played the game with my narcissistic parent, as did my brothers. I was the truth teller, the empath, the beauty, and the warrior. My mother couldn't program me as she had her other childen. Because she viewed me as a threat to everything that she was, she groomed me for failure and abused me terribly. Eventually, she made multiple efforts to kill me.

Now, as to what happened to the golden children and the scapegoat?

My three brothers never did anything beyond leach off my father's legacy. They failed at pretty much everything: one a habitual drug addict, one a gambler who lost everything, and one who became a carpenter and handyman. My sister couldn't hold a job down but married a successful man.

I was the scapegoat, cursed from birth, and ground beneath my family's feet my entire life. Yet, I was the most successful of all my siblings. Turned out I was also the smartest, most talented and gifted, and most accomplished.

They failed. I did not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was my mother’s scapegoat and my father’s golden child. It was the reverse for one of my brothers. I’m fine today. My brother is not.

I was my father’s scapegoat and my mother’s scapegoat, until I got married, had kids and now I am the golden child. My sister was the golden child for both parents and is very successful but she is unmarried and very much enmeshed with my parents so much so that she herself has called it toxic. But now my parents worry about her so much because she’s almost 40 and has never had a lasting long term relationship.

My sister told me that because I had kids, I am the favorite and that is the only reason why. Ignoring the fact that I make more money than her, have better financial stability and a great family while she is still single with no end in sight is her way of coping I guess.

But what is funny to me was that because I was so boy crazy in high school and didn’t do well in college (so boy crazy) I was able to date a lot and find love fast. Because she was so academically driven she never really got to explore dating. My parents were so ashamed of my boy craziness (I got kicked out and was called slutty) but because I was actively looking for love, and learning to identify jerks pretty early on, it worked out for me.

[Anonymous]

I was the scapegoat, and my family never had any expectations of me. My oldest sibling, the golden child who was gifted academically, never lived up to my family’s very high expectations. They dropped out of grad school right before graduation, are a functional alcoholic, major debt, and married someone they didn't love or were attracted to but needed someone to take care of them. Now, their spouse is morbidly obese, and my sibling has to care for them because of their mobility issues along with their kids. They are both addicted to social media which they used to project their lies and hide their addictions.

I ended up drifting for a decade but was motivated to prove everyone wrong. I’m married to a great guy and we both have careers we enjoy and get to spend time with our kids, take lots of trips together. I still slip into thinking I’m incapable sometimes but it doesn’t have a detrimental impact my work or relationship but being the scapegoat has had impact on my ability to sometimes believe I deserve the good things in my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the scapegoat in my family, am relatively successful career wise and re: the family I created. I was fortunate to have a large extended family that did not buy into the scapegoat dynamics.

My golden child sib is very enmeshed with our narc parents and as an adult is an alcoholic with multiple marriages and estranged kids. It's sad. I have been either low or no contact as an adult.

I have done a lot of therapy and recovery work through ACoA and I think that helped.

What is ACoA?

Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families