Reply to If you were from a family with a golden child and scapegoat, how did they turn out as adults?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This thread has been interesting to read. I used to think I was the golden child. After reading this thread, I don't think that described me. Now, I don't think either of us was the GC or scapegoat.

My mother does prefer me, though, but I'm also easier to deal with and visit more often.

Sibling is self-centered and has the same mental issues as our mother, so the two of them fight, react to each other's anxiety and paranoia, and get angry at one another.

[/quote]

Identical twin was the favored child.  All American Athlete (NCAA D1).  Phi Beta Kappa.  Not easy to get along with though - a tough kid who made it on his own.  I was almost as successful, but was beaten up far more often than my brother and was deemed fat dumb and lazy constantly.  Twins were not expected, and I was the second one born and if my father could have found a way to get rid of me without consequences he would have.  My mother went along with the favoritism and abuse - she was an addict and was overwhelmed  - and siding with my father in abusing me was a means for her survival.  It was fortunate that my father abandoned the family, despite the significant poverty.  In irony, my mother, and not my father, had all of the athletic talent and it was our means for escape.  I was not a scapegoat - just treated badly far more often.

My father's hatred for me never ceased.  My last conversation with him a decade ago was merely another reminder of my fat dumb and lazy status.  It was his protection mechanism against really hating to be a father, particularly of a son who reminded him of his hated ex wife who trapped him in a marriage.  He died without ever meeting his grandchildren (when I told him my daughter was admitted to Princeton he told me not to call him any longer).  A difficult and angry guy who never should have had kids.

I am more easy going and people oriented than my brother by far (I still have a pretty intense achievement record) and as a consequence I gave more quality attention to my mother.  I could never get her to lead a responsible adult life, though, and it was difficult for her to work through her guilt over both of her sons, but in particular me.  She died because she wanted to - very sad.

The good news is that my brother and I were are quite close - and both respect each other significantly.   I think we complement each other and I can keep him rational in a calm way.  A smart and often ruthless quant Phd with a virtually unmatched record in finance, he is not easy to deal with at times. He lives to crush my father's memory - not a good thing.   Of course, since we raised each other since age 16, we didn't do that good of a job and we do understand our flaws and our faults and wish we could do better.  Survival and prosperity have been good to us though.  Our high school recently inducted us into is hall of fame.  There was no way we could attend - it would have been too difficult to deal with the memories. We do think highly of our classmates and our teammates and have been generous to some life long friends, a saving grace, really.   As I say, still lucky to be where we are. [/quote]

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