If you were from a family with a golden child and scapegoat, how did they turn out as adults?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the scapegoat in our large family. I ended up in a loving marriage with successful kids. I am not wealthy but comfortable which is considered worthless. I have grandkids that are the love of my life. My mother and my siblings hate me. Like HATE me. Things did not end up the way they thought they would. They are miserable and, for whatever reason, that makes me sad. At the end of the day we are all victims of severe dysfunction. I don’t have a relationship with any of them but would engage with one of them after mother dies as she is the driving force.

The dynamics typically continue.

[Anonymous]

Hmm
I’m the youngest of three daughters.
The outspoke wild child who chose my own path

My two older sisters and all their square footage and degrees are the most miserable humans ever.

[Anonymous]

My mom was the golden child in her family and she anointed my sister the golden child among her children. Both my mom and my sister have an extreme sense of entitlement and that entitlement has caused them a lot of drama in their lives.

The rest of us keep our distance and have health relationships and stability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you meant golden child and black sheep.

Not scapegoat

Here comes the narcissist to explain to everyone 5 pages into a conversation—in which key terms are defined and clearly resonating—to explain why everyone is doing it wrong. 😂

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you meant golden child and black sheep.

Not scapegoat

Here comes the narcissist to explain to everyone 5 pages into a conversation—in which key terms are defined and clearly resonating—to explain why everyone is doing it wrong. 😂

Not the person you are responding to, but they are used interchangeably. Often the black sheep refuses to go along with the family dysfunction and gets scapegoated.

Proud black sheep here. I have a moral compass in tact which is one of the reasons I am a black sheep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you meant golden child and black sheep.

Not scapegoat

Here comes the narcissist to explain to everyone 5 pages into a conversation—in which key terms are defined and clearly resonating—to explain why everyone is doing it wrong. 😂

Not the person you are responding to, but they are used interchangeably. Often the black sheep refuses to go along with the family dysfunction and gets scapegoated.

Proud black sheep here. I have a moral compass in tact which is one of the reasons I am a black sheep.

And yet PP is convinced that they are different, that everyone here is getting that difference wrong, and that they alone can set everyone straight. Go figure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am skeptical of people who call themselves the scapegoat. My sibling would call themselves the scapegoat (my other sibling is probably the golden child), but they are very difficult, demanding, attention-seeking and also mean. There are probably occurrences of totally innocent children made to be scapegoats, but IME, if your family frequently has issues with you, there is a good chance you are contributing to the problem.

If you’re the learning type, you can look this topic up and find out how you are pretty much off target here

+1. PP has no clue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most people think of golden child as the foe while all golden child tries to do is to do things they figure would make parents happy and avoid thing which would cause conflict in family. Burden of bring golden child is as heavy as of the "escape goat".

Not accurate at all. The golden child is favored by the parents and often isn't the people pleaser you describe. The golden child is actually often the most screwed up child in the family but the parent, for whatever reason, identifies with them more and spends more time building them up and protecting them. The person who is primarily concerned with making other people happy isn't typically a happy adult either. All of this is dysfunction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am skeptical of people who call themselves the scapegoat. My sibling would call themselves the scapegoat (my other sibling is probably the golden child), but they are very difficult, demanding, attention-seeking and also mean. There are probably occurrences of totally innocent children made to be scapegoats, but IME, if your family frequently has issues with you, there is a good chance you are contributing to the problem.

My father had his dad die in a place crash when he was an infant and was coddled his entire childhood because of that loss. Everything was always "poor Bobby." When I was born, despite being planned, he was super jealous that I took my mother's attention from him. He was used to always being the center of everyone's universe and that stopped being true when I was born. About 5 years later when my brother was born he was a bit more mature and happy to have an athletic son instead of a bookish girl.

I didn't know any of this until high school when my mom spilled that she couldn't leave me with my father when I was an infant because he'd just leave me in my crib, close the door and let me scream while he did whatever he wanted. He couldn't be bothered to feed me, hold me or change me. He felt threatened if my mother cared for me. I was disliked from birth. My brother was adored from birth.

My golden child younger brother grew up to be an abuser and physically abused me, with the knowledge and consent of my parents, and then went on to physically and sexually abuse my youngest sister (a surprise baby my father also didn't want). He was a failure to launch case and struggled to support himself. In his 40s he has a minimum wage job as a technician.

I'm a classic over achiever who did everything to try to get my parents to love me. I have spent years trying to be perfect. I have a great life, job and kids, but my parents still don't like me. Well, they like to brag about me and take credit for my accomplishments, but can't be bothered to treat me with any kindness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am skeptical of people who call themselves the scapegoat. My sibling would call themselves the scapegoat (my other sibling is probably the golden child), but they are very difficult, demanding, attention-seeking and also mean. There are probably occurrences of totally innocent children made to be scapegoats, but IME, if your family frequently has issues with you, there is a good chance you are contributing to the problem.

My father had his dad die in a place crash when he was an infant and was coddled his entire childhood because of that loss. Everything was always "poor Bobby." When I was born, despite being planned, he was super jealous that I took my mother's attention from him. He was used to always being the center of everyone's universe and that stopped being true when I was born. About 5 years later when my brother was born he was a bit more mature and happy to have an athletic son instead of a bookish girl.

I didn't know any of this until high school when my mom spilled that she couldn't leave me with my father when I was an infant because he'd just leave me in my crib, close the door and let me scream while he did whatever he wanted. He couldn't be bothered to feed me, hold me or change me. He felt threatened if my mother cared for me. I was disliked from birth. My brother was adored from birth.

My golden child younger brother grew up to be an abuser and physically abused me, with the knowledge and consent of my parents, and then went on to physically and sexually abuse my youngest sister (a surprise baby my father also didn't want). He was a failure to launch case and struggled to support himself. In his 40s he has a minimum wage job as a technician.

I'm a classic over achiever who did everything to try to get my parents to love me. I have spent years trying to be perfect. I have a great life, job and kids, but my parents still don't like me. Well, they like to brag about me and take credit for my accomplishments, but can't be bothered to treat me with any kindness.

If you want an example of the ongoing favoritism, my brother got married a year ago. My parents rented a house for the whole family to stay in during the wedding weekend. It was a 5 bedroom house for 12 people. My disfavored youngest sister, her boyfriend, me, my husband and my two kids (ages 5 and 7) were all assigned to one room, while everyone else was 1-2 people per bedroom. Yes, that 6 people in a single, small room, including a 35 yo boyfriend who we'd only met once before. If I'd known the bedroom assignments, I wouldn't have agreed to stay there, but those were sprung on me after we got there and it was a holiday weekend with no other last minute options.

It's just one stupid example, but it's always like this.