If you are in your 60s or 70s, and you are living in a regular house...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The stairs keep me healthy/strong. And we’ve lived here 25 years, love our neighborhood and neighbors. Why move unless we have to? Plus, for the amount of our mortgage payment, we’d get half the space in today’s market, whether a rental or new purchase.

That's exactly what my ILs said until they couldn't handle it. Then they were forced to move. At some point, you won't be able to handle it. I think the consensus is to move before you hit that stage when it's harder to move.

I'm not saying you should move when you are 60. But, I think before 72 is a good time.

I have plenty of relatives who lived or have lived in multiple story houses until they died in their 80s or 90s. If the stairs become an issue I’ll move. If they don’t then I won’t.

I also find it unusual that so many people can’t even climb stairs in their 80’s. This was not the case for most of my relatives.

Both my grandparents lived in a house with stairs until they were 85 and 91. Neither had any problems with the stairs.

Its one of those things that is completely fine until the one day it is not, and you break a hip and do not walk again.

Wow. I can't believe I stumbled on this post today.

My parents had this attitude. My mother died. Then my father got cancer and declined so rapidly it was unbelievable. Dealing with the fall out right now including moving his bedroom down to a first floor room (not meant to be a bedroom) in his house, which he is resisting. And that doesn't even cover all the other things about his house that he is unable to maintain and don't work for him anymore. Plus, he's incredibly isolated. It's depressing.

The reason to do it is because the end of your life could get very tricky. It could not. But there is a very good chance it will. Not many people die in bed quietly healthy and completely mobile. Once thing get to this point, it's too late to move (you don't feel well...you're not mobile anymore...and you're too far past any assisted living place taking you) and then it's someone else's problem to deal with what you wouldn't deal with.

+1 So many in this older generation do not think about anyone, but themselves and then they expect their adult children to rescue them at a moment's notice. And they complain when they get their wish of aging in place and feel isolated and miserable. It's heartbreaking, but you remind yourself this is the life they chose when of sound mind and able body and I tried to get them to think about other options.

I am PP with father with issues. My dad is a person who sincerely never had a health issue a day in his life. Was physically active and in great shape. This all happened to him in his mid 70s. There are zero guarantees so it’s a gamble to stay in place. Could work out and could not. If it doesn’t, it really doesn’t.

[Anonymous]

So many people in their 40s are just scared to death that instead of their parents helping them, which they are used to, they will have to deal with their parent having cancer or orthopedic surgery or illness. And unless the parents are in a full time skilled care nursing home, and why would they be there (?) they will still have to help regardless if they live in a house or condo or over 55 community with a golf course.

No living arrangement mitigates any of those things, and a 65 year old can get sick like a 45 year old. It's that simple. And they hope they will have their kids to help somewhat, but just like you guys, they will hire help, just like you will.
Moving out of a house doesn't help cancer. Or anything.

Such empathy, kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many people in their 40s are just scared to death that instead of their parents helping them, which they are used to, they will have to deal with their parent having cancer or orthopedic surgery or illness. And unless the parents are in a full time skilled care nursing home, and why would they be there (?) they will still have to help regardless if they live in a house or condo or over 55 community with a golf course.

No living arrangement mitigates any of those things, and a 65 year old can get sick like a 45 year old. It's that simple. And they hope they will have their kids to help somewhat, but just like you guys, they will hire help, just like you will.
Moving out of a house doesn't help cancer. Or anything.

Such empathy, kids.

So no.

A CCRC, which starts with completely independent living, will progress as needed to assisted living or a nursing home. It's even much easier to get home visits when you're still living independently. The living arrangement will entirely mitigate those issues.

A 75-80 year old getting sick is absolutely a different thing than a 45 getting sick and most people of that age, it will be a permanent loss of physical strength. It's just a different situation to bounce back from at that age.

It's not about empathy. You either plan for the most likely outcome or you stick your head up your ass and feel entitled to your adult children "helping" you (it's a lot more than help). Those are really the options. I am not doing that to my kids. You do you though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many people in their 40s are just scared to death that instead of their parents helping them, which they are used to, they will have to deal with their parent having cancer or orthopedic surgery or illness. And unless the parents are in a full time skilled care nursing home, and why would they be there (?) they will still have to help regardless if they live in a house or condo or over 55 community with a golf course.

No living arrangement mitigates any of those things, and a 65 year old can get sick like a 45 year old. It's that simple. And they hope they will have their kids to help somewhat, but just like you guys, they will hire help, just like you will.
Moving out of a house doesn't help cancer. Or anything.

Such empathy, kids.

No, so many of us in 40s and 50s are burned out from helping out parents so much to the point of us developing our own health issues and it taking a toll on the families we created. So many of us have been through many years of this with parents and inlaws and after many years of therapy are trying to figure out how to finally set boundaries with some very entitled and spoiled parents who simply visited their own parents at the AL and called mom and dad in the hospital when there were emergencies at the AL. I am well aware younger people get sick. I have my own serious health issues and my husband almost died last year from a freak mistake during a routine surgery. At the same time I had a parent melting down because I could no longer cater. It certainly is not simple and as the mind ages many of us are finding out parents acting like spoiled toddlers with out the cuteness and lovableness that comes with toddlerhood. They berate us like we are bad children all while tantrumming to get their needs met. It is very complicated and it can on for many years.

Yes, I know all about hired help as they age in place. They don't show up or quit and your parent is isolated, hungry and miserable. In a facility you have guaranteed meals, social interaction and people around for emergencies. It truly is priceless. The best part? When you see a previously miserable parent get a new lease on life because she/he made a new friend and is finally getting out and about again with friends. That is worth it's weight in gold. It's a lot easier to visit a parent who is happy and has a life and it is an absolute joy to meet their friends and hear their fun stories. Totally different from visiting a depressed parent lashing out who's whole life revolved around whether you call, how long you stay on the phone, you not visiting enough, caregiver not showing, Fox news making them paranoid, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many people in their 40s are just scared to death that instead of their parents helping them, which they are used to, they will have to deal with their parent having cancer or orthopedic surgery or illness. And unless the parents are in a full time skilled care nursing home, and why would they be there (?) they will still have to help regardless if they live in a house or condo or over 55 community with a golf course.

No living arrangement mitigates any of those things, and a 65 year old can get sick like a 45 year old. It's that simple. And they hope they will have their kids to help somewhat, but just like you guys, they will hire help, just like you will.
Moving out of a house doesn't help cancer. Or anything.

Such empathy, kids.

So no.

A CCRC, which starts with completely independent living, will progress as needed to assisted living or a nursing home. It's even much easier to get home visits when you're still living independently. The living arrangement will entirely mitigate those issues.

A 75-80 year old getting sick is absolutely a different thing than a 45 getting sick and most people of that age, it will be a permanent loss of physical strength. It's just a different situation to bounce back from at that age.

It's not about empathy. You either plan for the most likely outcome or you stick your head up your ass and feel entitled to your adult children "helping" you (it's a lot more than help). Those are really the options. I am not doing that to my kids. You do you though.

+1,000,000 I just posted...but you nailed it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many people in their 40s are just scared to death that instead of their parents helping them, which they are used to, they will have to deal with their parent having cancer or orthopedic surgery or illness. And unless the parents are in a full time skilled care nursing home, and why would they be there (?) they will still have to help regardless if they live in a house or condo or over 55 community with a golf course.

No living arrangement mitigates any of those things, and a 65 year old can get sick like a 45 year old. It's that simple. And they hope they will have their kids to help somewhat, but just like you guys, they will hire help, just like you will.
Moving out of a house doesn't help cancer. Or anything.

Such empathy, kids.

No, so many of us in 40s and 50s are burned out from helping out parents so much to the point of us developing our own health issues and it taking a toll on the families we created. So many of us have been through many years of this with parents and inlaws and after many years of therapy are trying to figure out how to finally set boundaries with some very entitled and spoiled parents who simply visited their own parents at the AL and called mom and dad in the hospital when there were emergencies at the AL. I am well aware younger people get sick. I have my own serious health issues and my husband almost died last year from a freak mistake during a routine surgery. At the same time I had a parent melting down because I could no longer cater. It certainly is not simple and as the mind ages many of us are finding out parents acting like spoiled toddlers with out the cuteness and lovableness that comes with toddlerhood. They berate us like we are bad children all while tantrumming to get their needs met. It is very complicated and it can on for many years.

Yes, I know all about hired help as they age in place. They don't show up or quit and your parent is isolated, hungry and miserable. In a facility you have guaranteed meals, social interaction and people around for emergencies. It truly is priceless. The best part? When you see a previously miserable parent get a new lease on life because she/he made a new friend and is finally getting out and about again with friends. That is worth it's weight in gold. It's a lot easier to visit a parent who is happy and has a life and it is an absolute joy to meet their friends and hear their fun stories. Totally different from visiting a depressed parent lashing out who's whole life revolved around whether you call, how long you stay on the phone, you not visiting enough, caregiver not showing, Fox news making them paranoid, etc.

I've got to weigh in here, people.
1. This is about the social implications of being retired, not about aging after 75. This thread took a turn somewhere about filled up houses, mentally ill parents.And Fox News. Not relevant.
2. I am 65, and not interested in living in a CCRC, and really no one my age would be. Most of you don't understand generational divides or anything anout aging. I also don't want to live in an over 55 situation. There are many reasons for that, and they are social. Medical plays no role in this. My medical needs will still be the same here or in "Legend Woods" with a first floor suite. If I break my leg, or have cancer, I will have the same problems as you. I am not infirmed, so what are you planning- are you going to sell your house? If your problem is chronic, you may have to- same with me.
3. I just buried my in laws and parents with in this last 5 years, and 10 years ago. When things go to $#!!++, they go to $#!!++ regardless of where they are. My parents were in Leisure World, then an independent living, then assistive living. I still had to be involved every day and manage nurses, hire nurses, deal with doctors. There's no escape route with that,sorry. Until 86, they were living their lives, active, well. My Dad lived till 96. Yeah, I still had to deal with their stuff in the condo and 2 moves to places with more amenities and care. I was involved every hour of every day. Same with inlaws.
4. I don't watch Fox News. That is not a default in my circle. I am extremely politically involved in many grassroots groups , volunteer work. I am an artist and a writer. I'm not yelling at my neighbors, or my adult kids. I see people everyday of all ages. Many of my neighbors are in their 50s, 60s, and 70s interwined with 30 and 40 year olds. There's literally no reason for me to move. Sorry, but there's a big difference between 65 and 80. I also am not interested in living in a homogenous age group. Sounds like my idea of hell. I retired, but I didn't shrink into a useless waste of your time.

My point is you are still going to have to help your parents out even in a CCRC when they are older. I did, and you will, too. You probably won't be off the hook because of any living arrangement. If they can't use the steps, then move, but, other than that, there's little point until much later on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many people in their 40s are just scared to death that instead of their parents helping them, which they are used to, they will have to deal with their parent having cancer or orthopedic surgery or illness. And unless the parents are in a full time skilled care nursing home, and why would they be there (?) they will still have to help regardless if they live in a house or condo or over 55 community with a golf course.

No living arrangement mitigates any of those things, and a 65 year old can get sick like a 45 year old. It's that simple. And they hope they will have their kids to help somewhat, but just like you guys, they will hire help, just like you will.
Moving out of a house doesn't help cancer. Or anything.

Such empathy, kids.

No, so many of us in 40s and 50s are burned out from helping out parents so much to the point of us developing our own health issues and it taking a toll on the families we created. So many of us have been through many years of this with parents and inlaws and after many years of therapy are trying to figure out how to finally set boundaries with some very entitled and spoiled parents who simply visited their own parents at the AL and called mom and dad in the hospital when there were emergencies at the AL. I am well aware younger people get sick. I have my own serious health issues and my husband almost died last year from a freak mistake during a routine surgery. At the same time I had a parent melting down because I could no longer cater. It certainly is not simple and as the mind ages many of us are finding out parents acting like spoiled toddlers with out the cuteness and lovableness that comes with toddlerhood. They berate us like we are bad children all while tantrumming to get their needs met. It is very complicated and it can on for many years.

Yes, I know all about hired help as they age in place. They don't show up or quit and your parent is isolated, hungry and miserable. In a facility you have guaranteed meals, social interaction and people around for emergencies. It truly is priceless. The best part? When you see a previously miserable parent get a new lease on life because she/he made a new friend and is finally getting out and about again with friends. That is worth it's weight in gold. It's a lot easier to visit a parent who is happy and has a life and it is an absolute joy to meet their friends and hear their fun stories. Totally different from visiting a depressed parent lashing out who's whole life revolved around whether you call, how long you stay on the phone, you not visiting enough, caregiver not showing, Fox news making them paranoid, etc.

I've got to weigh in here, people.
1. This is about the social implications of being retired, not about aging after 75. This thread took a turn somewhere about filled up houses, mentally ill parents.And Fox News. Not relevant.
2. I am 65, and not interested in living in a CCRC, and really no one my age would be. Most of you don't understand generational divides or anything anout aging. I also don't want to live in an over 55 situation. There are many reasons for that, and they are social. Medical plays no role in this. My medical needs will still be the same here or in "Legend Woods" with a first floor suite. If I break my leg, or have cancer, I will have the same problems as you. I am not infirmed, so what are you planning- are you going to sell your house? If your problem is chronic, you may have to- same with me.
3. I just buried my in laws and parents with in this last 5 years, and 10 years ago. When things go to $#!!++, they go to $#!!++ regardless of where they are. My parents were in Leisure World, then an independent living, then assistive living. I still had to be involved every day and manage nurses, hire nurses, deal with doctors. There's no escape route with that,sorry. Until 86, they were living their lives, active, well. My Dad lived till 96. Yeah, I still had to deal with their stuff in the condo and 2 moves to places with more amenities and care. I was involved every hour of every day. Same with inlaws.
4. I don't watch Fox News. That is not a default in my circle. I am extremely politically involved in many grassroots groups , volunteer work. I am an artist and a writer. I'm not yelling at my neighbors, or my adult kids. I see people everyday of all ages. Many of my neighbors are in their 50s, 60s, and 70s interwined with 30 and 40 year olds. There's literally no reason for me to move. Sorry, but there's a big difference between 65 and 80. I also am not interested in living in a homogenous age group. Sounds like my idea of hell. I retired, but I didn't shrink into a useless waste of your time.

My point is you are still going to have to help your parents out even in a CCRC when they are older. I did, and you will, too. You probably won't be off the hook because of any living arrangement. If they can't use the steps, then move, but, other than that, there's little point until much later on.

You were involved every hour of every day with people's care in an assisted living facility? That is not my experience at all with my parents. Were all these people in cognitive decline?

For my ILs the issue was they could not find spots in these places when they needed them. Their medical issues were too far along. My mother ended up going straight from home after a full-blown crisis to 24-7 skilled nursing care, which was incredibly difficult to find for her. It was months of 24-7 stress and life upheaveal for her kids (my spouse and siblings).

Agree assistance is needed to make move within the complex although assistance can be provided with that if you pay for it. But agree a family member needs to ideally supervise and be available.

I get your position at 65 and think it needs to start changing at 75. The title of this thread was 60s or 70s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many people in their 40s are just scared to death that instead of their parents helping them, which they are used to, they will have to deal with their parent having cancer or orthopedic surgery or illness. And unless the parents are in a full time skilled care nursing home, and why would they be there (?) they will still have to help regardless if they live in a house or condo or over 55 community with a golf course.

No living arrangement mitigates any of those things, and a 65 year old can get sick like a 45 year old. It's that simple. And they hope they will have their kids to help somewhat, but just like you guys, they will hire help, just like you will.
Moving out of a house doesn't help cancer. Or anything.

Such empathy, kids.

No, so many of us in 40s and 50s are burned out from helping out parents so much to the point of us developing our own health issues and it taking a toll on the families we created. So many of us have been through many years of this with parents and inlaws and after many years of therapy are trying to figure out how to finally set boundaries with some very entitled and spoiled parents who simply visited their own parents at the AL and called mom and dad in the hospital when there were emergencies at the AL. I am well aware younger people get sick. I have my own serious health issues and my husband almost died last year from a freak mistake during a routine surgery. At the same time I had a parent melting down because I could no longer cater. It certainly is not simple and as the mind ages many of us are finding out parents acting like spoiled toddlers with out the cuteness and lovableness that comes with toddlerhood. They berate us like we are bad children all while tantrumming to get their needs met. It is very complicated and it can on for many years.

Yes, I know all about hired help as they age in place. They don't show up or quit and your parent is isolated, hungry and miserable. In a facility you have guaranteed meals, social interaction and people around for emergencies. It truly is priceless. The best part? When you see a previously miserable parent get a new lease on life because she/he made a new friend and is finally getting out and about again with friends. That is worth it's weight in gold. It's a lot easier to visit a parent who is happy and has a life and it is an absolute joy to meet their friends and hear their fun stories. Totally different from visiting a depressed parent lashing out who's whole life revolved around whether you call, how long you stay on the phone, you not visiting enough, caregiver not showing, Fox news making them paranoid, etc.

I've got to weigh in here, people.
1. This is about the social implications of being retired, not about aging after 75. This thread took a turn somewhere about filled up houses, mentally ill parents.And Fox News. Not relevant.
2. I am 65, and not interested in living in a CCRC, and really no one my age would be. Most of you don't understand generational divides or anything anout aging. I also don't want to live in an over 55 situation. There are many reasons for that, and they are social. Medical plays no role in this. My medical needs will still be the same here or in "Legend Woods" with a first floor suite. If I break my leg, or have cancer, I will have the same problems as you. I am not infirmed, so what are you planning- are you going to sell your house? If your problem is chronic, you may have to- same with me.
3. I just buried my in laws and parents with in this last 5 years, and 10 years ago. When things go to $#!!++, they go to $#!!++ regardless of where they are. My parents were in Leisure World, then an independent living, then assistive living. I still had to be involved every day and manage nurses, hire nurses, deal with doctors. There's no escape route with that,sorry. Until 86, they were living their lives, active, well. My Dad lived till 96. Yeah, I still had to deal with their stuff in the condo and 2 moves to places with more amenities and care. I was involved every hour of every day. Same with inlaws.
4. I don't watch Fox News. That is not a default in my circle. I am extremely politically involved in many grassroots groups , volunteer work. I am an artist and a writer. I'm not yelling at my neighbors, or my adult kids. I see people everyday of all ages. Many of my neighbors are in their 50s, 60s, and 70s interwined with 30 and 40 year olds. There's literally no reason for me to move. Sorry, but there's a big difference between 65 and 80. I also am not interested in living in a homogenous age group. Sounds like my idea of hell. I retired, but I didn't shrink into a useless waste of your time.

My point is you are still going to have to help your parents out even in a CCRC when they are older. I did, and you will, too. You probably won't be off the hook because of any living arrangement. If they can't use the steps, then move, but, other than that, there's little point until much later on.

You were involved every hour of every day with people's care in an assisted living facility? That is not my experience at all with my parents. Were all these people in cognitive decline?

For my ILs the issue was they could not find spots in these places when they needed them. Their medical issues were too far along. My mother in law ended up going straight from home after a full-blown crisis to 24-7 skilled nursing care, which was incredibly difficult to find for her. It was months of 24-7 stress and life upheaveal for her kids (my spouse and siblings).

Agree assistance is needed to make move within the complex although assistance can be provided with that if you pay for it. But agree a family member needs to ideally supervise and be available.

I get your position at 65 and think it needs to start changing at 75. The title of this thread was 60s or 70s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many people in their 40s are just scared to death that instead of their parents helping them, which they are used to, they will have to deal with their parent having cancer or orthopedic surgery or illness. And unless the parents are in a full time skilled care nursing home, and why would they be there (?) they will still have to help regardless if they live in a house or condo or over 55 community with a golf course.

No living arrangement mitigates any of those things, and a 65 year old can get sick like a 45 year old. It's that simple. And they hope they will have their kids to help somewhat, but just like you guys, they will hire help, just like you will.
Moving out of a house doesn't help cancer. Or anything.

Such empathy, kids.

No, so many of us in 40s and 50s are burned out from helping out parents so much to the point of us developing our own health issues and it taking a toll on the families we created. So many of us have been through many years of this with parents and inlaws and after many years of therapy are trying to figure out how to finally set boundaries with some very entitled and spoiled parents who simply visited their own parents at the AL and called mom and dad in the hospital when there were emergencies at the AL. I am well aware younger people get sick. I have my own serious health issues and my husband almost died last year from a freak mistake during a routine surgery. At the same time I had a parent melting down because I could no longer cater. It certainly is not simple and as the mind ages many of us are finding out parents acting like spoiled toddlers with out the cuteness and lovableness that comes with toddlerhood. They berate us like we are bad children all while tantrumming to get their needs met. It is very complicated and it can on for many years.

Yes, I know all about hired help as they age in place. They don't show up or quit and your parent is isolated, hungry and miserable. In a facility you have guaranteed meals, social interaction and people around for emergencies. It truly is priceless. The best part? When you see a previously miserable parent get a new lease on life because she/he made a new friend and is finally getting out and about again with friends. That is worth it's weight in gold. It's a lot easier to visit a parent who is happy and has a life and it is an absolute joy to meet their friends and hear their fun stories. Totally different from visiting a depressed parent lashing out who's whole life revolved around whether you call, how long you stay on the phone, you not visiting enough, caregiver not showing, Fox news making them paranoid, etc.

I've got to weigh in here, people.
1. This is about the social implications of being retired, not about aging after 75. This thread took a turn somewhere about filled up houses, mentally ill parents.And Fox News. Not relevant.
2. I am 65, and not interested in living in a CCRC, and really no one my age would be. Most of you don't understand generational divides or anything anout aging. I also don't want to live in an over 55 situation. There are many reasons for that, and they are social. Medical plays no role in this. My medical needs will still be the same here or in "Legend Woods" with a first floor suite. If I break my leg, or have cancer, I will have the same problems as you. I am not infirmed, so what are you planning- are you going to sell your house? If your problem is chronic, you may have to- same with me.
3. I just buried my in laws and parents with in this last 5 years, and 10 years ago. When things go to $#!!++, they go to $#!!++ regardless of where they are. My parents were in Leisure World, then an independent living, then assistive living. I still had to be involved every day and manage nurses, hire nurses, deal with doctors. There's no escape route with that,sorry. Until 86, they were living their lives, active, well. My Dad lived till 96. Yeah, I still had to deal with their stuff in the condo and 2 moves to places with more amenities and care. I was involved every hour of every day. Same with inlaws.
4. I don't watch Fox News. That is not a default in my circle. I am extremely politically involved in many grassroots groups , volunteer work. I am an artist and a writer. I'm not yelling at my neighbors, or my adult kids. I see people everyday of all ages. Many of my neighbors are in their 50s, 60s, and 70s interwined with 30 and 40 year olds. There's literally no reason for me to move. Sorry, but there's a big difference between 65 and 80. I also am not interested in living in a homogenous age group. Sounds like my idea of hell. I retired, but I didn't shrink into a useless waste of your time.

My point is you are still going to have to help your parents out even in a CCRC when they are older. I did, and you will, too. You probably won't be off the hook because of any living arrangement. If they can't use the steps, then move, but, other than that, there's little point until much later on.

You were involved every hour of every day with people's care in an assisted living facility? That is not my experience at all with my parents. Were all these people in cognitive decline?

For my ILs the issue was they could not find spots in these places when they needed them. Their medical issues were too far along. My mother in law ended up going straight from home after a full-blown crisis to 24-7 skilled nursing care, which was incredibly difficult to find for her. It was months of 24-7 stress and life upheaveal for her kids (my spouse and siblings).

Agree assistance is needed to make move within the complex although assistance can be provided with that if you pay for it. But agree a family member needs to ideally supervise and be available.

I get your position at 65 and think it needs to start changing at 75. The title of this thread was 60s or 70s.

Here's the secret to assistive living. There's very truncated assistance, and nothing , I mean nothing, for things like potential falls. What everyone tries to do now is get 24 hour or just or hourly day help in an independent living situation until such time as full time care in skilled living if it gets to that. Nothing is as it seems. There's no easy way out. CCRCs have the best situstions for sliding bewteen care level, but even there, there's hired help in between. That surprised me.

So at 75, I still, 100% will not be ready for a facility unless I have a progressive disease. And you won't be either. We'll chat then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many people in their 40s are just scared to death that instead of their parents helping them, which they are used to, they will have to deal with their parent having cancer or orthopedic surgery or illness. And unless the parents are in a full time skilled care nursing home, and why would they be there (?) they will still have to help regardless if they live in a house or condo or over 55 community with a golf course.

No living arrangement mitigates any of those things, and a 65 year old can get sick like a 45 year old. It's that simple. And they hope they will have their kids to help somewhat, but just like you guys, they will hire help, just like you will.
Moving out of a house doesn't help cancer. Or anything.

Such empathy, kids.

No, so many of us in 40s and 50s are burned out from helping out parents so much to the point of us developing our own health issues and it taking a toll on the families we created. So many of us have been through many years of this with parents and inlaws and after many years of therapy are trying to figure out how to finally set boundaries with some very entitled and spoiled parents who simply visited their own parents at the AL and called mom and dad in the hospital when there were emergencies at the AL. I am well aware younger people get sick. I have my own serious health issues and my husband almost died last year from a freak mistake during a routine surgery. At the same time I had a parent melting down because I could no longer cater. It certainly is not simple and as the mind ages many of us are finding out parents acting like spoiled toddlers with out the cuteness and lovableness that comes with toddlerhood. They berate us like we are bad children all while tantrumming to get their needs met. It is very complicated and it can on for many years.

Yes, I know all about hired help as they age in place. They don't show up or quit and your parent is isolated, hungry and miserable. In a facility you have guaranteed meals, social interaction and people around for emergencies. It truly is priceless. The best part? When you see a previously miserable parent get a new lease on life because she/he made a new friend and is finally getting out and about again with friends. That is worth it's weight in gold. It's a lot easier to visit a parent who is happy and has a life and it is an absolute joy to meet their friends and hear their fun stories. Totally different from visiting a depressed parent lashing out who's whole life revolved around whether you call, how long you stay on the phone, you not visiting enough, caregiver not showing, Fox news making them paranoid, etc.

I've got to weigh in here, people.
1. This is about the social implications of being retired, not about aging after 75. This thread took a turn somewhere about filled up houses, mentally ill parents.And Fox News. Not relevant.
2. I am 65, and not interested in living in a CCRC, and really no one my age would be. Most of you don't understand generational divides or anything anout aging. I also don't want to live in an over 55 situation. There are many reasons for that, and they are social. Medical plays no role in this. My medical needs will still be the same here or in "Legend Woods" with a first floor suite. If I break my leg, or have cancer, I will have the same problems as you. I am not infirmed, so what are you planning- are you going to sell your house? If your problem is chronic, you may have to- same with me.
3. I just buried my in laws and parents with in this last 5 years, and 10 years ago. When things go to $#!!++, they go to $#!!++ regardless of where they are. My parents were in Leisure World, then an independent living, then assistive living. I still had to be involved every day and manage nurses, hire nurses, deal with doctors. There's no escape route with that,sorry. Until 86, they were living their lives, active, well. My Dad lived till 96. Yeah, I still had to deal with their stuff in the condo and 2 moves to places with more amenities and care. I was involved every hour of every day. Same with inlaws.
4. I don't watch Fox News. That is not a default in my circle. I am extremely politically involved in many grassroots groups , volunteer work. I am an artist and a writer. I'm not yelling at my neighbors, or my adult kids. I see people everyday of all ages. Many of my neighbors are in their 50s, 60s, and 70s interwined with 30 and 40 year olds. There's literally no reason for me to move. Sorry, but there's a big difference between 65 and 80. I also am not interested in living in a homogenous age group. Sounds like my idea of hell. I retired, but I didn't shrink into a useless waste of your time.

My point is you are still going to have to help your parents out even in a CCRC when they are older. I did, and you will, too. You probably won't be off the hook because of any living arrangement. If they can't use the steps, then move, but, other than that, there's little point until much later on.

You very clearly have zero clue what going to shit can look like when a parent is living in an isolated and inappropriate home environment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many people in their 40s are just scared to death that instead of their parents helping them, which they are used to, they will have to deal with their parent having cancer or orthopedic surgery or illness. And unless the parents are in a full time skilled care nursing home, and why would they be there (?) they will still have to help regardless if they live in a house or condo or over 55 community with a golf course.

No living arrangement mitigates any of those things, and a 65 year old can get sick like a 45 year old. It's that simple. And they hope they will have their kids to help somewhat, but just like you guys, they will hire help, just like you will.
Moving out of a house doesn't help cancer. Or anything.

Such empathy, kids.

No, so many of us in 40s and 50s are burned out from helping out parents so much to the point of us developing our own health issues and it taking a toll on the families we created. So many of us have been through many years of this with parents and inlaws and after many years of therapy are trying to figure out how to finally set boundaries with some very entitled and spoiled parents who simply visited their own parents at the AL and called mom and dad in the hospital when there were emergencies at the AL. I am well aware younger people get sick. I have my own serious health issues and my husband almost died last year from a freak mistake during a routine surgery. At the same time I had a parent melting down because I could no longer cater. It certainly is not simple and as the mind ages many of us are finding out parents acting like spoiled toddlers with out the cuteness and lovableness that comes with toddlerhood. They berate us like we are bad children all while tantrumming to get their needs met. It is very complicated and it can on for many years.

Yes, I know all about hired help as they age in place. They don't show up or quit and your parent is isolated, hungry and miserable. In a facility you have guaranteed meals, social interaction and people around for emergencies. It truly is priceless. The best part? When you see a previously miserable parent get a new lease on life because she/he made a new friend and is finally getting out and about again with friends. That is worth it's weight in gold. It's a lot easier to visit a parent who is happy and has a life and it is an absolute joy to meet their friends and hear their fun stories. Totally different from visiting a depressed parent lashing out who's whole life revolved around whether you call, how long you stay on the phone, you not visiting enough, caregiver not showing, Fox news making them paranoid, etc.

I've got to weigh in here, people.
1. This is about the social implications of being retired, not about aging after 75. This thread took a turn somewhere about filled up houses, mentally ill parents.And Fox News. Not relevant.
2. I am 65, and not interested in living in a CCRC, and really no one my age would be. Most of you don't understand generational divides or anything anout aging. I also don't want to live in an over 55 situation. There are many reasons for that, and they are social. Medical plays no role in this. My medical needs will still be the same here or in "Legend Woods" with a first floor suite. If I break my leg, or have cancer, I will have the same problems as you. I am not infirmed, so what are you planning- are you going to sell your house? If your problem is chronic, you may have to- same with me.
3. I just buried my in laws and parents with in this last 5 years, and 10 years ago. When things go to $#!!++, they go to $#!!++ regardless of where they are. My parents were in Leisure World, then an independent living, then assistive living. I still had to be involved every day and manage nurses, hire nurses, deal with doctors. There's no escape route with that,sorry. Until 86, they were living their lives, active, well. My Dad lived till 96. Yeah, I still had to deal with their stuff in the condo and 2 moves to places with more amenities and care. I was involved every hour of every day. Same with inlaws.
4. I don't watch Fox News. That is not a default in my circle. I am extremely politically involved in many grassroots groups , volunteer work. I am an artist and a writer. I'm not yelling at my neighbors, or my adult kids. I see people everyday of all ages. Many of my neighbors are in their 50s, 60s, and 70s interwined with 30 and 40 year olds. There's literally no reason for me to move. Sorry, but there's a big difference between 65 and 80. I also am not interested in living in a homogenous age group. Sounds like my idea of hell. I retired, but I didn't shrink into a useless waste of your time.

My point is you are still going to have to help your parents out even in a CCRC when they are older. I did, and you will, too. You probably won't be off the hook because of any living arrangement. If they can't use the steps, then move, but, other than that, there's little point until much later on.

You very clearly have zero clue what going to shit can look like when a parent is living in an isolated and inappropriate home environment.

Lol! Yes, I certainly do. I did it 4 TIMES. AGAIN, we are referring to elderly people, not people in their 60s and 70s. Your concerns belong in another thread. This thread is about social expectations of a certain age group, not your aged infirmed mother who can't walk and has cats everywhere with steps. :roll:

Why don't you move now also as a preemptive strike for your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many people in their 40s are just scared to death that instead of their parents helping them, which they are used to, they will have to deal with their parent having cancer or orthopedic surgery or illness. And unless the parents are in a full time skilled care nursing home, and why would they be there (?) they will still have to help regardless if they live in a house or condo or over 55 community with a golf course.

No living arrangement mitigates any of those things, and a 65 year old can get sick like a 45 year old. It's that simple. And they hope they will have their kids to help somewhat, but just like you guys, they will hire help, just like you will.
Moving out of a house doesn't help cancer. Or anything.

Such empathy, kids.

No, so many of us in 40s and 50s are burned out from helping out parents so much to the point of us developing our own health issues and it taking a toll on the families we created. So many of us have been through many years of this with parents and inlaws and after many years of therapy are trying to figure out how to finally set boundaries with some very entitled and spoiled parents who simply visited their own parents at the AL and called mom and dad in the hospital when there were emergencies at the AL. I am well aware younger people get sick. I have my own serious health issues and my husband almost died last year from a freak mistake during a routine surgery. At the same time I had a parent melting down because I could no longer cater. It certainly is not simple and as the mind ages many of us are finding out parents acting like spoiled toddlers with out the cuteness and lovableness that comes with toddlerhood. They berate us like we are bad children all while tantrumming to get their needs met. It is very complicated and it can on for many years.

Yes, I know all about hired help as they age in place. They don't show up or quit and your parent is isolated, hungry and miserable. In a facility you have guaranteed meals, social interaction and people around for emergencies. It truly is priceless. The best part? When you see a previously miserable parent get a new lease on life because she/he made a new friend and is finally getting out and about again with friends. That is worth it's weight in gold. It's a lot easier to visit a parent who is happy and has a life and it is an absolute joy to meet their friends and hear their fun stories. Totally different from visiting a depressed parent lashing out who's whole life revolved around whether you call, how long you stay on the phone, you not visiting enough, caregiver not showing, Fox news making them paranoid, etc.

I've got to weigh in here, people.
1. This is about the social implications of being retired, not about aging after 75. This thread took a turn somewhere about filled up houses, mentally ill parents.And Fox News. Not relevant.
2. I am 65, and not interested in living in a CCRC, and really no one my age would be. Most of you don't understand generational divides or anything anout aging. I also don't want to live in an over 55 situation. There are many reasons for that, and they are social. Medical plays no role in this. My medical needs will still be the same here or in "Legend Woods" with a first floor suite. If I break my leg, or have cancer, I will have the same problems as you. I am not infirmed, so what are you planning- are you going to sell your house? If your problem is chronic, you may have to- same with me.
3. I just buried my in laws and parents with in this last 5 years, and 10 years ago. When things go to $#!!++, they go to $#!!++ regardless of where they are. My parents were in Leisure World, then an independent living, then assistive living. I still had to be involved every day and manage nurses, hire nurses, deal with doctors. There's no escape route with that,sorry. Until 86, they were living their lives, active, well. My Dad lived till 96. Yeah, I still had to deal with their stuff in the condo and 2 moves to places with more amenities and care. I was involved every hour of every day. Same with inlaws.
4. I don't watch Fox News. That is not a default in my circle. I am extremely politically involved in many grassroots groups , volunteer work. I am an artist and a writer. I'm not yelling at my neighbors, or my adult kids. I see people everyday of all ages. Many of my neighbors are in their 50s, 60s, and 70s interwined with 30 and 40 year olds. There's literally no reason for me to move. Sorry, but there's a big difference between 65 and 80. I also am not interested in living in a homogenous age group. Sounds like my idea of hell. I retired, but I didn't shrink into a useless waste of your time.

My point is you are still going to have to help your parents out even in a CCRC when they are older. I did, and you will, too. You probably won't be off the hook because of any living arrangement. If they can't use the steps, then move, but, other than that, there's little point until much later on.

You were involved every hour of every day with people's care in an assisted living facility? That is not my experience at all with my parents. Were all these people in cognitive decline?

For my ILs the issue was they could not find spots in these places when they needed them. Their medical issues were too far along. My mother in law ended up going straight from home after a full-blown crisis to 24-7 skilled nursing care, which was incredibly difficult to find for her. It was months of 24-7 stress and life upheaveal for her kids (my spouse and siblings).

Agree assistance is needed to make move within the complex although assistance can be provided with that if you pay for it. But agree a family member needs to ideally supervise and be available.

I get your position at 65 and think it needs to start changing at 75. The title of this thread was 60s or 70s.

Here's the secret to assistive living. There's very truncated assistance, and nothing , I mean nothing, for things like potential falls. What everyone tries to do now is get 24 hour or just or hourly day help in an independent living situation until such time as full time care in skilled living if it gets to that. Nothing is as it seems. There's no easy way out. CCRCs have the best situstions for sliding bewteen care level, but even there, there's hired help in between. That surprised me.

So at 75, I still, 100% will not be ready for a facility unless I have a progressive disease. And you won't be either. We'll chat then.

Sounds like your relatives were not in a very good place. Of course you can imagine that things are different every place.

The help with potential falls is the very layout of the space, which works to prevent falls (the best strategy) and then verbal call ability from any spot in the space. No there is no one there to catch you if you fall.

The assisted living place they have some relationships with agencies to provide the number of hours you need per day. They facilitate it for you and you've put down a deposit when you moved in that your heirs either get back most of this money when you die if you don't use any stepped-up services or it starts paying for stepped up services, which they set up for you. They also provide transportation assistance if needed and a good amount of on-site medical care so you don't have to travel.

There is also the issue of at that point you likely can no longer drive. You've made a lot of arguments about wanting to be around people of mixed ages. That's great until you're in your house and shouldn't be driving and can't easily get to things or see other people. It quickly transitions to isolation and depression.

My parents are in such a place as I describe above. It is not accurate to say there is nothing between people who come to your house and then skilled nursing care.

I also can't understand how you can't seem to understand that some people's health has deteriorated a good bit by 75. Weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many people in their 40s are just scared to death that instead of their parents helping them, which they are used to, they will have to deal with their parent having cancer or orthopedic surgery or illness. And unless the parents are in a full time skilled care nursing home, and why would they be there (?) they will still have to help regardless if they live in a house or condo or over 55 community with a golf course.

No living arrangement mitigates any of those things, and a 65 year old can get sick like a 45 year old. It's that simple. And they hope they will have their kids to help somewhat, but just like you guys, they will hire help, just like you will.
Moving out of a house doesn't help cancer. Or anything.

Such empathy, kids.

No, so many of us in 40s and 50s are burned out from helping out parents so much to the point of us developing our own health issues and it taking a toll on the families we created. So many of us have been through many years of this with parents and inlaws and after many years of therapy are trying to figure out how to finally set boundaries with some very entitled and spoiled parents who simply visited their own parents at the AL and called mom and dad in the hospital when there were emergencies at the AL. I am well aware younger people get sick. I have my own serious health issues and my husband almost died last year from a freak mistake during a routine surgery. At the same time I had a parent melting down because I could no longer cater. It certainly is not simple and as the mind ages many of us are finding out parents acting like spoiled toddlers with out the cuteness and lovableness that comes with toddlerhood. They berate us like we are bad children all while tantrumming to get their needs met. It is very complicated and it can on for many years.

Yes, I know all about hired help as they age in place. They don't show up or quit and your parent is isolated, hungry and miserable. In a facility you have guaranteed meals, social interaction and people around for emergencies. It truly is priceless. The best part? When you see a previously miserable parent get a new lease on life because she/he made a new friend and is finally getting out and about again with friends. That is worth it's weight in gold. It's a lot easier to visit a parent who is happy and has a life and it is an absolute joy to meet their friends and hear their fun stories. Totally different from visiting a depressed parent lashing out who's whole life revolved around whether you call, how long you stay on the phone, you not visiting enough, caregiver not showing, Fox news making them paranoid, etc.

I've got to weigh in here, people.
1. This is about the social implications of being retired, not about aging after 75. This thread took a turn somewhere about filled up houses, mentally ill parents.And Fox News. Not relevant.
2. I am 65, and not interested in living in a CCRC, and really no one my age would be. Most of you don't understand generational divides or anything anout aging. I also don't want to live in an over 55 situation. There are many reasons for that, and they are social. Medical plays no role in this. My medical needs will still be the same here or in "Legend Woods" with a first floor suite. If I break my leg, or have cancer, I will have the same problems as you. I am not infirmed, so what are you planning- are you going to sell your house? If your problem is chronic, you may have to- same with me.
3. I just buried my in laws and parents with in this last 5 years, and 10 years ago. When things go to $#!!++, they go to $#!!++ regardless of where they are. My parents were in Leisure World, then an independent living, then assistive living. I still had to be involved every day and manage nurses, hire nurses, deal with doctors. There's no escape route with that,sorry. Until 86, they were living their lives, active, well. My Dad lived till 96. Yeah, I still had to deal with their stuff in the condo and 2 moves to places with more amenities and care. I was involved every hour of every day. Same with inlaws.
4. I don't watch Fox News. That is not a default in my circle. I am extremely politically involved in many grassroots groups , volunteer work. I am an artist and a writer. I'm not yelling at my neighbors, or my adult kids. I see people everyday of all ages. Many of my neighbors are in their 50s, 60s, and 70s interwined with 30 and 40 year olds. There's literally no reason for me to move. Sorry, but there's a big difference between 65 and 80. I also am not interested in living in a homogenous age group. Sounds like my idea of hell. I retired, but I didn't shrink into a useless waste of your time.

My point is you are still going to have to help your parents out even in a CCRC when they are older. I did, and you will, too. You probably won't be off the hook because of any living arrangement. If they can't use the steps, then move, but, other than that, there's little point until much later on.

You very clearly have zero clue what going to shit can look like when a parent is living in an isolated and inappropriate home environment.

Lol! Yes, I certainly do. I did it 4 TIMES. AGAIN, we are referring to elderly people, not people in their 60s and 70s. Your concerns belong in another thread. This thread is about social expectations of a certain age group, not your aged infirmed mother who can't walk and has cats everywhere with steps. :roll:

Why don't you move now also as a preemptive strike for your kids?

Leisure World (where you said your people were) is an inappropriate and isolated environment?

The original post said the following things, bolded parts relevant. It is responsive to this post to point out the holes in this plan. Staying in your SFH or TH reliant on a car until your 80s and hoping that works out is just that...hoping it works out. The post was more than about social expectations.

'The one you've been in, whether it is a TH or SFH, and have no plans to move right now, what are your reasons?"

We are always asked "why not move to a one level or over 55 development?"

We live in a regular suburban area, all ages, kids, but also plenty of people over 65 way into late 70s. Original owners, but we aren't. We've been here about 20 years.
We are not infirmed, we have several pets, retired, happy here. There's no reason to go, not now at least. I'm not saying never, but why is it assumed? There are pressing reasons we would definitely move, but it's not imminent. I think our next move will be in our 80s- continual care. That's about 18 years at least."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many people in their 40s are just scared to death that instead of their parents helping them, which they are used to, they will have to deal with their parent having cancer or orthopedic surgery or illness. And unless the parents are in a full time skilled care nursing home, and why would they be there (?) they will still have to help regardless if they live in a house or condo or over 55 community with a golf course.

No living arrangement mitigates any of those things, and a 65 year old can get sick like a 45 year old. It's that simple. And they hope they will have their kids to help somewhat, but just like you guys, they will hire help, just like you will.
Moving out of a house doesn't help cancer. Or anything.

Such empathy, kids.

No, so many of us in 40s and 50s are burned out from helping out parents so much to the point of us developing our own health issues and it taking a toll on the families we created. So many of us have been through many years of this with parents and inlaws and after many years of therapy are trying to figure out how to finally set boundaries with some very entitled and spoiled parents who simply visited their own parents at the AL and called mom and dad in the hospital when there were emergencies at the AL. I am well aware younger people get sick. I have my own serious health issues and my husband almost died last year from a freak mistake during a routine surgery. At the same time I had a parent melting down because I could no longer cater. It certainly is not simple and as the mind ages many of us are finding out parents acting like spoiled toddlers with out the cuteness and lovableness that comes with toddlerhood. They berate us like we are bad children all while tantrumming to get their needs met. It is very complicated and it can on for many years.

Yes, I know all about hired help as they age in place. They don't show up or quit and your parent is isolated, hungry and miserable. In a facility you have guaranteed meals, social interaction and people around for emergencies. It truly is priceless. The best part? When you see a previously miserable parent get a new lease on life because she/he made a new friend and is finally getting out and about again with friends. That is worth it's weight in gold. It's a lot easier to visit a parent who is happy and has a life and it is an absolute joy to meet their friends and hear their fun stories. Totally different from visiting a depressed parent lashing out who's whole life revolved around whether you call, how long you stay on the phone, you not visiting enough, caregiver not showing, Fox news making them paranoid, etc.

I've got to weigh in here, people.
1. This is about the social implications of being retired, not about aging after 75. This thread took a turn somewhere about filled up houses, mentally ill parents.And Fox News. Not relevant.
2. I am 65, and not interested in living in a CCRC, and really no one my age would be. Most of you don't understand generational divides or anything anout aging. I also don't want to live in an over 55 situation. There are many reasons for that, and they are social. Medical plays no role in this. My medical needs will still be the same here or in "Legend Woods" with a first floor suite. If I break my leg, or have cancer, I will have the same problems as you. I am not infirmed, so what are you planning- are you going to sell your house? If your problem is chronic, you may have to- same with me.
3. I just buried my in laws and parents with in this last 5 years, and 10 years ago. When things go to $#!!++, they go to $#!!++ regardless of where they are. My parents were in Leisure World, then an independent living, then assistive living. I still had to be involved every day and manage nurses, hire nurses, deal with doctors. There's no escape route with that,sorry. Until 86, they were living their lives, active, well. My Dad lived till 96. Yeah, I still had to deal with their stuff in the condo and 2 moves to places with more amenities and care. I was involved every hour of every day. Same with inlaws.
4. I don't watch Fox News. That is not a default in my circle. I am extremely politically involved in many grassroots groups , volunteer work. I am an artist and a writer. I'm not yelling at my neighbors, or my adult kids. I see people everyday of all ages. Many of my neighbors are in their 50s, 60s, and 70s interwined with 30 and 40 year olds. There's literally no reason for me to move. Sorry, but there's a big difference between 65 and 80. I also am not interested in living in a homogenous age group. Sounds like my idea of hell. I retired, but I didn't shrink into a useless waste of your time.

My point is you are still going to have to help your parents out even in a CCRC when they are older. I did, and you will, too. You probably won't be off the hook because of any living arrangement. If they can't use the steps, then move, but, other than that, there's little point until much later on.

You were involved every hour of every day with people's care in an assisted living facility? That is not my experience at all with my parents. Were all these people in cognitive decline?

For my ILs the issue was they could not find spots in these places when they needed them. Their medical issues were too far along. My mother in law ended up going straight from home after a full-blown crisis to 24-7 skilled nursing care, which was incredibly difficult to find for her. It was months of 24-7 stress and life upheaveal for her kids (my spouse and siblings).

Agree assistance is needed to make move within the complex although assistance can be provided with that if you pay for it. But agree a family member needs to ideally supervise and be available.

I get your position at 65 and think it needs to start changing at 75. The title of this thread was 60s or 70s.

Here's the secret to assistive living. There's very truncated assistance, and nothing , I mean nothing, for things like potential falls. What everyone tries to do now is get 24 hour or just or hourly day help in an independent living situation until such time as full time care in skilled living if it gets to that. Nothing is as it seems. There's no easy way out. CCRCs have the best situstions for sliding bewteen care level, but even there, there's hired help in between. That surprised me.

So at 75, I still, 100% will not be ready for a facility unless I have a progressive disease. And you won't be either. We'll chat then.

Sounds like your relatives were not in a very good place. Of course you can imagine that things are different every place.

The help with potential falls is the very layout of the space, which works to prevent falls (the best strategy) and then verbal call ability from any spot in the space. No there is no one there to catch you if you fall.

The assisted living place they have some relationships with agencies to provide the number of hours you need per day. They facilitate it for you and you've put down a deposit when you moved in that your heirs either get back most of this money when you die if you don't use any stepped-up services or it starts paying for stepped up services, which they set up for you. They also provide transportation assistance if needed and a good amount of on-site medical care so you don't have to travel.

There is also the issue of at that point you likely can no longer drive. You've made a lot of arguments about wanting to be around people of mixed ages. That's great until you're in your house and shouldn't be driving and can't easily get to things or see other people. It quickly transitions to isolation and depression.

My parents are in such a place as I describe above. It is not accurate to say there is nothing between people who come to your house and then skilled nursing care.

I also can't understand how you can't seem to understand that some people's health has deteriorated a good bit by 75. Weird.

Ask everyone whose parents fell in an assisted living facility. You just don't have the experience yet or your parents aren't fall risks. It's very very widely understood.
There are scenarios, but if you think you aren't in charge or responsible any more because you spent some $$, you will be in a very surprising situation.
Sure, there are people who get sick at 75 and earlier. If that happens, I will be in and appropriate setting...much like you will.
But I'm certainly not stopping my life NOW and moving to a setting because I'm lumped in with one age swath. Who would move to an assisted living for no reason? There's a ton of nuance to consider. We are all not a monolith of the same needs. And, at 65, I'm not going to give up my lifestyle, my dogs, my house because somewhere someone has a sick parent at 75.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many people in their 40s are just scared to death that instead of their parents helping them, which they are used to, they will have to deal with their parent having cancer or orthopedic surgery or illness. And unless the parents are in a full time skilled care nursing home, and why would they be there (?) they will still have to help regardless if they live in a house or condo or over 55 community with a golf course.

No living arrangement mitigates any of those things, and a 65 year old can get sick like a 45 year old. It's that simple. And they hope they will have their kids to help somewhat, but just like you guys, they will hire help, just like you will.
Moving out of a house doesn't help cancer. Or anything.

Such empathy, kids.

No, so many of us in 40s and 50s are burned out from helping out parents so much to the point of us developing our own health issues and it taking a toll on the families we created. So many of us have been through many years of this with parents and inlaws and after many years of therapy are trying to figure out how to finally set boundaries with some very entitled and spoiled parents who simply visited their own parents at the AL and called mom and dad in the hospital when there were emergencies at the AL. I am well aware younger people get sick. I have my own serious health issues and my husband almost died last year from a freak mistake during a routine surgery. At the same time I had a parent melting down because I could no longer cater. It certainly is not simple and as the mind ages many of us are finding out parents acting like spoiled toddlers with out the cuteness and lovableness that comes with toddlerhood. They berate us like we are bad children all while tantrumming to get their needs met. It is very complicated and it can on for many years.

Yes, I know all about hired help as they age in place. They don't show up or quit and your parent is isolated, hungry and miserable. In a facility you have guaranteed meals, social interaction and people around for emergencies. It truly is priceless. The best part? When you see a previously miserable parent get a new lease on life because she/he made a new friend and is finally getting out and about again with friends. That is worth it's weight in gold. It's a lot easier to visit a parent who is happy and has a life and it is an absolute joy to meet their friends and hear their fun stories. Totally different from visiting a depressed parent lashing out who's whole life revolved around whether you call, how long you stay on the phone, you not visiting enough, caregiver not showing, Fox news making them paranoid, etc.

I've got to weigh in here, people.
1. This is about the social implications of being retired, not about aging after 75. This thread took a turn somewhere about filled up houses, mentally ill parents.And Fox News. Not relevant.
2. I am 65, and not interested in living in a CCRC, and really no one my age would be. Most of you don't understand generational divides or anything anout aging. I also don't want to live in an over 55 situation. There are many reasons for that, and they are social. Medical plays no role in this. My medical needs will still be the same here or in "Legend Woods" with a first floor suite. If I break my leg, or have cancer, I will have the same problems as you. I am not infirmed, so what are you planning- are you going to sell your house? If your problem is chronic, you may have to- same with me.
3. I just buried my in laws and parents with in this last 5 years, and 10 years ago. When things go to $#!!++, they go to $#!!++ regardless of where they are. My parents were in Leisure World, then an independent living, then assistive living. I still had to be involved every day and manage nurses, hire nurses, deal with doctors. There's no escape route with that,sorry. Until 86, they were living their lives, active, well. My Dad lived till 96. Yeah, I still had to deal with their stuff in the condo and 2 moves to places with more amenities and care. I was involved every hour of every day. Same with inlaws.
4. I don't watch Fox News. That is not a default in my circle. I am extremely politically involved in many grassroots groups , volunteer work. I am an artist and a writer. I'm not yelling at my neighbors, or my adult kids. I see people everyday of all ages. Many of my neighbors are in their 50s, 60s, and 70s interwined with 30 and 40 year olds. There's literally no reason for me to move. Sorry, but there's a big difference between 65 and 80. I also am not interested in living in a homogenous age group. Sounds like my idea of hell. I retired, but I didn't shrink into a useless waste of your time.

My point is you are still going to have to help your parents out even in a CCRC when they are older. I did, and you will, too. You probably won't be off the hook because of any living arrangement. If they can't use the steps, then move, but, other than that, there's little point until much later on.

You were involved every hour of every day with people's care in an assisted living facility? That is not my experience at all with my parents. Were all these people in cognitive decline?

For my ILs the issue was they could not find spots in these places when they needed them. Their medical issues were too far along. My mother in law ended up going straight from home after a full-blown crisis to 24-7 skilled nursing care, which was incredibly difficult to find for her. It was months of 24-7 stress and life upheaveal for her kids (my spouse and siblings).

Agree assistance is needed to make move within the complex although assistance can be provided with that if you pay for it. But agree a family member needs to ideally supervise and be available.

I get your position at 65 and think it needs to start changing at 75. The title of this thread was 60s or 70s.

Here's the secret to assistive living. There's very truncated assistance, and nothing , I mean nothing, for things like potential falls. What everyone tries to do now is get 24 hour or just or hourly day help in an independent living situation until such time as full time care in skilled living if it gets to that. Nothing is as it seems. There's no easy way out. CCRCs have the best situstions for sliding bewteen care level, but even there, there's hired help in between. That surprised me.

So at 75, I still, 100% will not be ready for a facility unless I have a progressive disease. And you won't be either. We'll chat then.

Sounds like your relatives were not in a very good place. Of course you can imagine that things are different every place.

The help with potential falls is the very layout of the space, which works to prevent falls (the best strategy) and then verbal call ability from any spot in the space. No there is no one there to catch you if you fall.

The assisted living place they have some relationships with agencies to provide the number of hours you need per day. They facilitate it for you and you've put down a deposit when you moved in that your heirs either get back most of this money when you die if you don't use any stepped-up services or it starts paying for stepped up services, which they set up for you. They also provide transportation assistance if needed and a good amount of on-site medical care so you don't have to travel.

There is also the issue of at that point you likely can no longer drive. You've made a lot of arguments about wanting to be around people of mixed ages. That's great until you're in your house and shouldn't be driving and can't easily get to things or see other people. It quickly transitions to isolation and depression.

My parents are in such a place as I describe above. It is not accurate to say there is nothing between people who come to your house and then skilled nursing care.

I also can't understand how you can't seem to understand that some people's health has deteriorated a good bit by 75. Weird.

Ask everyone whose parents fell in an assisted living facility. You just don't have the experience yet or your parents aren't fall risks. It's very very widely understood.
There are scenarios, but if you think you aren't in charge or responsible any more because you spent some $$, you will be in a very surprising situation.
Sure, there are people who get sick at 75 and earlier. If that happens, I will be in and appropriate setting...much like you will.
But I'm certainly not stopping my life NOW and moving to a setting because I'm lumped in with one age swath. Who would move to an assisted living for no reason? There's a ton of nuance to consider. We are all not a monolith of the same needs. And, at 65, I'm not going to give up my lifestyle, my dogs, my house because somewhere someone has a sick parent at 75.

God help your adult children if you have them. It's talking in circles.

You can move to an independent living environment at some point (agree 65 is too early) and have your lifestyle and your dogs and be in a position to transition to higher levels of care if you need it.

But we get it. You will live to 95 and tap dance the whole way there. People having health issues in mid to late 70s is other people. Not you.