No ring

[Anonymous]

I completely relate to feeling a ring is important. I don’t relate to pressuring your fiance to go into debt do that you can have an expensive one. The meaning has nothing to fo with the cash value.

My husband and I were engaged in college, so our finances were pretty paltry. I told him that as a symbol of our love and relationship, I wanted the ring to be real (cubic zirconia were newly popular), but I didn’t care how big it was or if there was even a diamond. My husband picked out a lovely, delicately styled ring with an (extremely) tiny diamond. I think my engagement ring and wedding band combined cost about $100 (1992). His wedding band ended up costing more because it contained more gold. Our marriage ended up having other problems, but I treasure that ring. A bigger or more expensive ring could not have possibly been more meaningful, and if that’s what it became about, it would have actually cheapened the gesture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I'd marry someone who insisted on a ring.

But why?

I'm a NP and a woman, but I definitely agree with this sentiment. to me, somebody who insists on a ring shows that they value superficial things over other, more important things we could spend $$ on (a house, paying off loans, etc) and that doesn't line up with my values. if I was a man and my fiancee demanded a ring, I'd rethink if that's a person I want to tie my future to. (and for what it's worth, I am married and did not want a ring because I thought the money would be better spent elsewhere. my fiance really wanted to get me one, so we compromised and got a small moissanite for $300).

OP said a ring not an expensive ring. I have friends and my ILs that got engaged in college and came up with things that were non-traditional rings and were inexpensive (like a couple hundred dollars or less). If you aren’t in a financial position to part with a few hundred dollars then you aren’t in a position to get married.

[Anonymous]

OP said a ring not an expensive ring.

OP said a ring the guy will be able to pay for once his ship comes in. Sounds expensive enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Probably not. Less about the jewelry than the fact that they refuse to do something small for them but that I really want/am excited about. I’d be completely fine if they didn’t want to purchase a natural diamond for ethical reasons.

I’m not sure what the reasoning behind refusing to buy one would be.

^^this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I'd marry someone who insisted on a ring.

But why?

I'm a NP and a woman, but I definitely agree with this sentiment. to me, somebody who insists on a ring shows that they value superficial things over other, more important things we could spend $$ on (a house, paying off loans, etc) and that doesn't line up with my values. if I was a man and my fiancee demanded a ring, I'd rethink if that's a person I want to tie my future to. (and for what it's worth, I am married and did not want a ring because I thought the money would be better spent elsewhere. my fiance really wanted to get me one, so we compromised and got a small moissanite for $300).

so … basically you believe that your partner has to have exactly the same values as you? it’s one thing if she’s insisting on a $10,000 ring. Quite another if she just wants a nice ring. Ideally by the time you get engaged you already know that your spending priorities are more or less in line, and you can understand that people place different values on things like cultural symbols (eg rings). If you can’t embrace or support your partners desires when it comes to how you symbolize your marriage, I think you’re going to have a very difficult time in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I'd marry someone who insisted on a ring.

But why?

I'm a NP and a woman, but I definitely agree with this sentiment. to me, somebody who insists on a ring shows that they value superficial things over other, more important things we could spend $$ on (a house, paying off loans, etc) and that doesn't line up with my values. if I was a man and my fiancee demanded a ring, I'd rethink if that's a person I want to tie my future to. (and for what it's worth, I am married and did not want a ring because I thought the money would be better spent elsewhere. my fiance really wanted to get me one, so we compromised and got a small moissanite for $300).

While I disagree wanting a ring is superficial (it can be, but not necessarily), I think a disagreement shows a lack of alignment in values that can lead to marital problems.

My xH is like this, very practical, only wanted to spend money on things like a house and save/invest the rest. Whereas I do place value on symbolic representations of our relationship such as a ring, but also things like dates, vacations, other "frivolous" things we can enjoy together. So ultimately I felt like he didn't love me because he didn't want to spend money on the things that were important to me, and he was extremely anxious that I didn't share his financial values and goals.

I'd say the bigger problem is an inability to compromise. A woman who insists on a very expensive ring that a man can't really afford is a red flag, but so is a man who refuses to buy a ring because he finds women's needs superficial. In a healthy relationship, both partners' wants and values and taken into consideration, and you compromise by finding a ring that makes both parties happy.

A ring is not a "women's need", it's simply a personal desire. Lots of us aren't interested in them at all, so don't attribute this as something all women "need". You make it sound like he thinks tampons are a frippery. Now that's a need!

For many women, myself included, it is a need. To me it’s symbolic of commitment, holds deep cultural meaning, and makes me feel more secure. Just because some women don’t want it, or because men don’t value it, doesn’t mean it’s not important or not valuable.

I never ever wanted a ring (or even a wedding) and I totally get what you’re saying. And you’re probably the vast majority of women. OP’s fiancé completely blowing off her desire for a ring is bad, bad news. I don’t think he should put it on a credit card, but he should be figuring out some way to get a ring that will please OP. that’s what men who want to get married and make their wives happy do in this culture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Holds deep cultural meaning”, wow. Just wow. You all have no idea the whole thing was a marketing ploy, huh? It’s gauche, materialistic, and impractical. Grow up.

exchanging gifts as part of a wedding or engagement is pretty much a feature of all cultures everywhere.

[Anonymous]

Did he know you expected a ring when he proposed? Why on earth did he go along with the proposal without buying a ring first? You’ve got to tell him you want one

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have articulated to your future husband why this is important and he is dismissive, then i would see that as a big red flag. And I say that as a woman who didn’t want a ring, my future husband insisted and so it sits in a drawer. It isn’t about the ring. It is about whether he takes into account what is important to you.

I’m also assuming you are not insisting on something insanely out of his budget.

This. Your inability to agree on this particular item is a sign of trouble down the road. How will you agree on paying off credit cards when one of you wants to pay the full balance every month and the other things it's ok to carryover the balance? How will you decide on where and how to buy a house when one of you wants to buy in a good school district for your future kids and the other wants to live in a place that suits you currently childless state only? I could go on and on, but the ring is simply the symbol of problems you will have down the road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I'd marry someone who insisted on a ring.

But why?

A ring is a shallow and stupid thing to insist on in order to get married. There are plenty of legit and good reasons not to get one-- ethics, cost, etc. So OP is contemplating not marrying someone who won't buy her a piece of jewelry? If that's a dealbreaker for her, she must not have much love or commitment for him.

It just seems crazy.

I wouldn't put this on OP. Her potential future fiancée doesn't have much love or commitment for her if he isn't willing to care about why she wants a ring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have articulated to your future husband why this is important and he is dismissive, then i would see that as a big red flag. And I say that as a woman who didn’t want a ring, my future husband insisted and so it sits in a drawer. It isn’t about the ring. It is about whether he takes into account what is important to you.

I’m also assuming you are not insisting on something insanely out of his budget.

Right now he has a very limited budget. But in a year or two it will be a drop in the buckle for him. I haven’t insisted on any specific ring. I just know that if he puts it on a card, or borrows for it, which he has done for other things he wanted, he will have no problem paying it off in a couple of years when his salary increases majorly. I am not in general a spendthrift and don’t use credit card debt myself ever. But in his position I absolutely would for something important that I knew would be easily repaid down the road. People take out mortgages. This to me is like that, a cornerstone (more bad puns) of the joint relationship. The debt would become joint anyway. I’m not looking for a 5 carat ring or anything.

Oof. Borrowing money in order to buy a house or even a car is one thing. But borrowing money (that you're going to pay insane amounts of interest on if you carry that balance on a credit card) is another thing. I don't think you and him are well-suited for each other. Also, future money is no guarantee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have articulated to your future husband why this is important and he is dismissive, then i would see that as a big red flag. And I say that as a woman who didn’t want a ring, my future husband insisted and so it sits in a drawer. It isn’t about the ring. It is about whether he takes into account what is important to you.

I’m also assuming you are not insisting on something insanely out of his budget.

+1. If it is not a financial issue but he thinks it’s silly and a waste he is telling you something you care about is silly and a waste. We all spend money on things people might think are unnecessary (makeup, a nice haircut, new golf clubs etc) but I think it’s wrong dismiss something that is important to your partner like that.

OP, this is the situation. I think finances are a minor part of it, really it’s about not doing something important to me.

You just said that he doesn't have the money for a ring now! YOU are the one making it a minor part but it's actually a major part. Please don't marry this guy. Let him find someone who wants him for more than just his future salary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like other pps I initially responded thinking he could afford a ring or that you were happy with something simple and inexpensive but that he was refusing on the basis of it being silly and superficial.

He should not be purchasing anything he can not afford right now. You should not be insisting he do that.

As I said, he will definitely make a lot more money quite soon (it’s contracted), does spend on other things he wants, and has not said anything about a small ring now with a future upgrade.

You sound very young. As a 40-year old, I graduated from law school and was hired just fine but saw graduates just a few years behind me have their offers rescinded at the last minute and end up unemployed with law school loans. Honestly, you are a fool if you are planning to buy something expecting more money down the line. The same is true for a mortgage - anyone who thinks a balloon payment down the road is a good idea because of course they'll be getting tons of raises between now and then is an idiot. And for what it's worth, both my husband and I have consistently gotten promotions, raises, and bonuses, but we still live our lives as if our salaries won't increase down the road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like other pps I initially responded thinking he could afford a ring or that you were happy with something simple and inexpensive but that he was refusing on the basis of it being silly and superficial.

He should not be purchasing anything he can not afford right now. You should not be insisting he do that.

As I said, he will definitely make a lot more money quite soon (it’s contracted), does spend on other things he wants, and has not said anything about a small ring now with a future upgrade.

Is he currently overspending on unnecessary items? If so, this is a whole different red flag. Have you spoken to him about wanting a ring once he can afford it or are you assuming he won’t because he hasn’t brought it up?

I wouldn’t dare bring it up bc it seems so rude. But he has not hinted at anything like this, and I can tell he thinks it is all stupid and meaningless even though it is very meaningful to me.

If you can't have a conversation about an engagement ring YOU SHOULD NOT GET MARRIED.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I'd marry someone who insisted on a ring.

But why?

It demonstrates that the ring is more important than the proposal. I'm giving you myself, and all you want is a sparkly rock to show off to your friends.

On the flip side, I’m giving you myself and my fertility which is more valuable than any stone, and you won’t even get a silly sparkler that I consider meaningful.

If OP wrote this - you need therapy STAT.