How should I advise DD on these “mean girl” friendships?

[Anonymous]

I’m feeling really sad for my DD13/8th. She’s had a friend since 6th, A, and they added another friend in 7th, B, and the three have been inseparable since. I don’t know all the ins and outs but apparently B wanted to do more “mature” things (Roblox/Fortnite are for losers, the “kid” things they had just been enjoying are suddenly childish, etc), but DD did not want to join in while A was reluctant. Then B and a “popular/problematic” girl got close, recruited A, and then they all turned on DD, where now they equal parts blatantly ignore her, or give her dirty looks, or do that looking at her while whispering and giggling thing girls do.

She quickly slid over into a side friend group and seems to be fine about the whole thing. But last night she told me, “Maybe things will calm down and we can be friends again.” I didn’t say anything because I was caught off guard and didn’t want to say the wrong thing. But what SHOULD I say? Clearly these aren’t nice girls. I hate that she thinks she could be friends with them again. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

You should say "maybe".

Because guess what maybe they will be friends again, maybe they will mature and change and grow, maybe they will apologize at some point or be better friends. They are all kids. It doesn't excuse bad behavior but I 100 percent guarantee your DD has not been a nice girl every minute of her life so far and you'd want other people to give her room to grow.

[Anonymous]

Hugs to you, mama OP.
This sucks.
(And it also sucks to be mama of girl A bc she probably notices too and doesn’t know quite what to do to caution her DD not to hitch her wagon to girls who might steer her DD down this mean girl path.)

TBH I would tell her that you are proud of who she is and that she knows her value and worth without the need to change herself and act in a way that goes against her convictions.
In other words, she’s authentically kind and compassionate to others—even when they don’t behave in a way that would seem to justify her having a different attitude toward them.
And you can agree that these girls may or may not “come around” to being decent again. But I’d also caution her that leaving the door open for that possibility doesn’t mean accepting that their current treatment of her has been or is okay. It just means that she’s being the bigger person to allow them to grow to regret their actions and change course.
Emphasize that we can’t control what other do. We can only control how we respond. And she’s doing great!

[Anonymous]

Just say "maybe". I encourage my kids to focus on the kids who want to be friends with them, and help them have various friend groups. Your DD is handling it well. Don't make this bigger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should say "maybe".

Because guess what maybe they will be friends again, maybe they will mature and change and grow, maybe they will apologize at some point or be better friends. They are all kids. It doesn't excuse bad behavior but I 100 percent guarantee your DD has not been a nice girl every minute of her life so far and you'd want other people to give her room to grow.

It absolutely sounds like you are trivializing bullying by making everyone who is not "a nice girl every single minute of their lives" the same.

They are not the same. And lot of mean girls continue to be mean adults. They don't miraculously grow up and mature at some later point - this is their growing and up maturing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should say "maybe".

Because guess what maybe they will be friends again, maybe they will mature and change and grow, maybe they will apologize at some point or be better friends. They are all kids. It doesn't excuse bad behavior but I 100 percent guarantee your DD has not been a nice girl every minute of her life so far and you'd want other people to give her room to grow.

It absolutely sounds like you are trivializing bullying by making everyone who is not "a nice girl every single minute of their lives" the same.

They are not the same. And lot of mean girls continue to be mean adults. They don't miraculously grow up and mature at some later point - this is their growing and up maturing.

+1

[Anonymous]

Your daughter is the wiser here. Listen to her. Girls change, friendships change. Your daughter can move away from a friendship without having to burn a forever bridge.

[Anonymous]

There is a division of the cooler prettier girls during the teen years.

I remember going to middle school and I had a good friend drop me for the cool popular crowd. I made new friends who were equally pretty and nice but we didn’t hang out with boys. The friend who acted like she no longer knew me was basically recruited by the cool boys. I never thought of my friend as mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a division of the cooler prettier girls during the teen years.

I remember going to middle school and I had a good friend drop me for the cool popular crowd. I made new friends who were equally pretty and nice but we didn’t hang out with boys. The friend who acted like she no longer knew me was basically recruited by the cool boys. I never thought of my friend as mean.

This is true but in IME the cooler, prettier girls have endless drama and don’t do well in school because they are focused on the social scene and not studies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should say "maybe".

Because guess what maybe they will be friends again, maybe they will mature and change and grow, maybe they will apologize at some point or be better friends. They are all kids. It doesn't excuse bad behavior but I 100 percent guarantee your DD has not been a nice girl every minute of her life so far and you'd want other people to give her room to grow.

It absolutely sounds like you are trivializing bullying by making everyone who is not "a nice girl every single minute of their lives" the same.

They are not the same. And lot of mean girls continue to be mean adults. They don't miraculously grow up and mature at some later point - this is their growing and up maturing.

DP but I had an experience like OP’s DD when I was in middle school. I got back on good terms with my elementary school best friends again in high school. It was fine — sure there was some meanness in middle school but I got close with other friends and she probably had a worse time dealing with all that popular kid drama. She’s a very nice adult now. I don’t really think of ignoring old friends/flaunting new ones as bullying. It’s not nice for sure but it’s not the hair pulling and name calling and rumor spreading that I got from the actually mean kids. So I agree with the “maybe” PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should say "maybe".

Because guess what maybe they will be friends again, maybe they will mature and change and grow, maybe they will apologize at some point or be better friends. They are all kids. It doesn't excuse bad behavior but I 100 percent guarantee your DD has not been a nice girl every minute of her life so far and you'd want other people to give her room to grow.

It absolutely sounds like you are trivializing bullying by making everyone who is not "a nice girl every single minute of their lives" the same.

They are not the same. And lot of mean girls continue to be mean adults. They don't miraculously grow up and mature at some later point - this is their growing and up maturing.

You're projecting your own issues on to this. This reminds me of some other recent post where people said all adult women are mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a division of the cooler prettier girls during the teen years.

I remember going to middle school and I had a good friend drop me for the cool popular crowd. I made new friends who were equally pretty and nice but we didn’t hang out with boys. The friend who acted like she no longer knew me was basically recruited by the cool boys. I never thought of my friend as mean.

Parents who present the kids who go off with popular friends or find a new group as "mean" are genuinely missing an opportunity. Friendships shift. People grow apart. Sometimes we might like it and sometimes we might not. It's part of life. Do teen girls always handle it the best way they could? Nope. So talk about that. But really it is normal for friendships to change so teach your kids to be resilient and move on with as much grace as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a division of the cooler prettier girls during the teen years.

I remember going to middle school and I had a good friend drop me for the cool popular crowd. I made new friends who were equally pretty and nice but we didn’t hang out with boys. The friend who acted like she no longer knew me was basically recruited by the cool boys. I never thought of my friend as mean.

This is true but in IME the cooler, prettier girls have endless drama and don’t do well in school because they are focused on the social scene and not studies.

You wish that is true but it isn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a division of the cooler prettier girls during the teen years.

I remember going to middle school and I had a good friend drop me for the cool popular crowd. I made new friends who were equally pretty and nice but we didn’t hang out with boys. The friend who acted like she no longer knew me was basically recruited by the cool boys. I never thought of my friend as mean.

Parents who present the kids who go off with popular friends or find a new group as "mean" are genuinely missing an opportunity. Friendships shift. People grow apart. Sometimes we might like it and sometimes we might not. It's part of life. Do teen girls always handle it the best way they could? Nope. So talk about that. But really it is normal for friendships to change so teach your kids to be resilient and move on with as much grace as possible.

This.

Friends are for a reason, a season or life.

Very few for life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should say "maybe".

Because guess what maybe they will be friends again, maybe they will mature and change and grow, maybe they will apologize at some point or be better friends. They are all kids. It doesn't excuse bad behavior but I 100 percent guarantee your DD has not been a nice girl every minute of her life so far and you'd want other people to give her room to grow.

Yep.

Plus by YOU saying less, SHE may be likely to say more.