How should I advise DD on these “mean girl” friendships?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stating loudly over and over that it’s bullying and be kind to a kid who is inclined toward this behavior and riding the high of a cool group isn’t going to work as a strategy. They’ve heard that so many times in the current environment including at school repeatedly. If it hasn’t worked so far not going to work now.

The biggest queen bee at our middle school has a mom who this is her party line and the mom is so clueless about the daughter. Her peers took care of the issue and mom is still clueless and giving her the generic talking points and thinks her daughter is the victim.

I said "this is bullying" the PP who repeatedly relativized issues, because "nobody is nice 100% of the time". I didn't say - "oh, well, tell to your daughter that this is bullying, and things will fix themselves".

Who cares what it's called!!!! Talk to your kids about how not to be a jerk and spoiler your kid is probably a jerk sometimes. Unless you gave birth to the one human who never tried on being a jerk at some point in their lives. If so, congrats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a division of the cooler prettier girls during the teen years.

I remember going to middle school and I had a good friend drop me for the cool popular crowd. I made new friends who were equally pretty and nice but we didn’t hang out with boys. The friend who acted like she no longer knew me was basically recruited by the cool boys. I never thought of my friend as mean.

This is true but in IME the cooler, prettier girls have endless drama and don’t do well in school because they are focused on the social scene and not studies.

Inaccurate stereotyping.

True. The cool kids are sometimes (often?) not that attractive. But I’ve yet to see a queen bee type group that doesn’t have drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a division of the cooler prettier girls during the teen years.

I remember going to middle school and I had a good friend drop me for the cool popular crowd. I made new friends who were equally pretty and nice but we didn’t hang out with boys. The friend who acted like she no longer knew me was basically recruited by the cool boys. I never thought of my friend as mean.

This is true but in IME the cooler, prettier girls have endless drama and don’t do well in school because they are focused on the social scene and not studies.

Inaccurate stereotyping.

True. The cool kids are sometimes (often?) not that attractive. But I’ve yet to see a queen bee type group that doesn’t have drama.

You'd have to wonder what you did wrong as a parent if your child is obsessed with being friends with the queen bee. Find a different friends group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a division of the cooler prettier girls during the teen years.

I remember going to middle school and I had a good friend drop me for the cool popular crowd. I made new friends who were equally pretty and nice but we didn’t hang out with boys. The friend who acted like she no longer knew me was basically recruited by the cool boys. I never thought of my friend as mean.

This is true but in IME the cooler, prettier girls have endless drama and don’t do well in school because they are focused on the social scene and not studies.

Inaccurate stereotyping.

Indeed. My slender, beautiful daughter is bullied by fat, ugly girls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stating loudly over and over that it’s bullying and be kind to a kid who is inclined toward this behavior and riding the high of a cool group isn’t going to work as a strategy. They’ve heard that so many times in the current environment including at school repeatedly. If it hasn’t worked so far not going to work now.

The biggest queen bee at our middle school has a mom who this is her party line and the mom is so clueless about the daughter. Her peers took care of the issue and mom is still clueless and giving her the generic talking points and thinks her daughter is the victim.

I said "this is bullying" the PP who repeatedly relativized issues, because "nobody is nice 100% of the time". I didn't say - "oh, well, tell to your daughter that this is bullying, and things will fix themselves".

Who cares what it's called!!!! Talk to your kids about how not to be a jerk and spoiler your kid is probably a jerk sometimes. Unless you gave birth to the one human who never tried on being a jerk at some point in their lives. If so, congrats.

You clearly care very much how it is called, because you are working damn hard to make sure it's not called bullying.

Once again, for you, because you clearly need some instruction in this area: "being a jerk sometimes" is not the same as being a bully. Bullying is a continuous targeting of a particular person with the goal to humiliate and socially isolate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should say "maybe".

Because guess what maybe they will be friends again, maybe they will mature and change and grow, maybe they will apologize at some point or be better friends. They are all kids. It doesn't excuse bad behavior but I 100 percent guarantee your DD has not been a nice girl every minute of her life so far and you'd want other people to give her room to grow.

That's BS - mean kids pick on kids that aren't mean b/c they know they won't be equipped to fight back at least initially. OPs DD may truly just be a victim of a mean girl friend takeover which happens all the time when a mean girl sees that a nice girl has friends without having to manipulate them which they (mean girls) DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a division of the cooler prettier girls during the teen years.

I remember going to middle school and I had a good friend drop me for the cool popular crowd. I made new friends who were equally pretty and nice but we didn’t hang out with boys. The friend who acted like she no longer knew me was basically recruited by the cool boys. I never thought of my friend as mean.

This is true but in IME the cooler, prettier girls have endless drama and don’t do well in school because they are focused on the social scene and not studies.

Inaccurate stereotyping.

Indeed. My slender, beautiful daughter is bullied by fat, ugly girls.

The most tortured girls are the most beautiful because other girls can’t control their jealousy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stating loudly over and over that it’s bullying and be kind to a kid who is inclined toward this behavior and riding the high of a cool group isn’t going to work as a strategy. They’ve heard that so many times in the current environment including at school repeatedly. If it hasn’t worked so far not going to work now.

The biggest queen bee at our middle school has a mom who this is her party line and the mom is so clueless about the daughter. Her peers took care of the issue and mom is still clueless and giving her the generic talking points and thinks her daughter is the victim.

I said "this is bullying" the PP who repeatedly relativized issues, because "nobody is nice 100% of the time". I didn't say - "oh, well, tell to your daughter that this is bullying, and things will fix themselves".

Who cares what it's called!!!! Talk to your kids about how not to be a jerk and spoiler your kid is probably a jerk sometimes. Unless you gave birth to the one human who never tried on being a jerk at some point in their lives. If so, congrats.

You clearly care very much how it is called, because you are working damn hard to make sure it's not called bullying.

Once again, for you, because you clearly need some instruction in this area: "being a jerk sometimes" is not the same as being a bully. Bullying is a continuous targeting of a particular person with the goal to humiliate and socially isolate.

It's bullying. We all get it. No parent or child in this era doesn't know what bullying is unless they've been asleep under a rock.

They are bullies. Bullies are bad. Please stop bullying.

I just cannot stand parents who assume it's never ever their kid and never will be their kid doing this stuff. And let's recap and not forget...OP's kid is getting bullied and it's bad. We are anti-bullying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a division of the cooler prettier girls during the teen years.

I remember going to middle school and I had a good friend drop me for the cool popular crowd. I made new friends who were equally pretty and nice but we didn’t hang out with boys. The friend who acted like she no longer knew me was basically recruited by the cool boys. I never thought of my friend as mean.

This is true but in IME the cooler, prettier girls have endless drama and don’t do well in school because they are focused on the social scene and not studies.

Inaccurate stereotyping.

True. The cool kids are sometimes (often?) not that attractive. But I’ve yet to see a queen bee type group that doesn’t have drama.

You'd have to wonder what you did wrong as a parent if your child is obsessed with being friends with the queen bee. Find a different friends group.

Oh I wouldn’t touch the queen bee group! They are all frenemies! I was simply pointing out most of them are objectively not cute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stating loudly over and over that it’s bullying and be kind to a kid who is inclined toward this behavior and riding the high of a cool group isn’t going to work as a strategy. They’ve heard that so many times in the current environment including at school repeatedly. If it hasn’t worked so far not going to work now.

The biggest queen bee at our middle school has a mom who this is her party line and the mom is so clueless about the daughter. Her peers took care of the issue and mom is still clueless and giving her the generic talking points and thinks her daughter is the victim.

I said "this is bullying" the PP who repeatedly relativized issues, because "nobody is nice 100% of the time". I didn't say - "oh, well, tell to your daughter that this is bullying, and things will fix themselves".

Who cares what it's called!!!! Talk to your kids about how not to be a jerk and spoiler your kid is probably a jerk sometimes. Unless you gave birth to the one human who never tried on being a jerk at some point in their lives. If so, congrats.

You clearly care very much how it is called, because you are working damn hard to make sure it's not called bullying.

Once again, for you, because you clearly need some instruction in this area: "being a jerk sometimes" is not the same as being a bully. Bullying is a continuous targeting of a particular person with the goal to humiliate and socially isolate.

It's bullying. We all get it. No parent or child in this era doesn't know what bullying is unless they've been asleep under a rock.

They are bullies. Bullies are bad. Please stop bullying.

I just cannot stand parents who assume it's never ever their kid and never will be their kid doing this stuff. And let's recap and not forget...OP's kid is getting bullied and it's bad. We are anti-bullying.

majority of kids are not bullies and will never be bullies. a lot of kids are bully-adjacent, but bullies are fairly rare. it takes a certain personality to be a bully, and few have what it takes. shy kids, for example, are unlikely to ever be bullies. doesn't mean they are perfect.

[Anonymous]

When girls physically mature faster than others, they want to talk about different things. They don't want to talk/hang-out with other girls who are more childish. Likely they wouldn't "bully" her if she isn't making their exclusion of her uncomfortable - at least most of them would not.

[Anonymous]

Op it sounds like your daughter is handling it well. I don’t think you need to say anything else about it. By eighth grade kids friendship’s are their own. For you take comfort that socialy everything will get reset once they hit high school. All of my kids social circles changed drastically once they hit 9th grade. The kids organize themselves around activities and interests

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter is the wiser here. Listen to her. Girls change, friendships change. Your daughter can move away from a friendship without having to burn a forever bridge.

+1 MS is especially tough for friendships because kids mature at different stages. My kids are late bloomers, and they had issues with friendships because their friends from ES had moved on to more "mature" things.

They matured sophomore year, and was able to connect with previous friends.

[Anonymous]

It's a shame friend groups break up over such stupid things. I guess I was lucky to have a strong like minded friend group. Late bloomers, I guess, or just being kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a division of the cooler prettier girls during the teen years.

I remember going to middle school and I had a good friend drop me for the cool popular crowd. I made new friends who were equally pretty and nice but we didn’t hang out with boys. The friend who acted like she no longer knew me was basically recruited by the cool boys. I never thought of my friend as mean.

It is especially prevalent in middle school. I have a 7th grade DD and I hear about changing friend groups and the popular crowd a lot. My high schooler is definitely not in the apex cool crowd (thank god) but she has a great group of friends from her sport and from her classes. Her high school is huge, so I don't think it really matters as long as you find a few friends!

Let's all remember that middle school is hell on earth, especially for girls.