Would you look for a new team because of this?

[Anonymous]

The head coach seems to have it in for us, constantly making unhelpful comments directed at me or my kids, unrelated to my kids’ behavior or swimming but various things about our family’s ability to “get it together” for practices and meets. Both kids are among the fastest swimmers on the team so it surprises me that the coach doesn’t seem to have much self awareness about the effect these comments would have on us over time.

I’m a single mom, and fully admit that I don’t “have it together” like 2 parent families usually do. The last few years with Covid/divorce/school changes/moved have been rough on us, and we are just in the last few months getting to a point where the kids feel fully secure and we are able to establish reliable routines. However, sometimes conflicts arise that make it hard to get the kids to every practice.

My older child wants to continue on the team anyway since he has friends there and his swim group’s coach is great. I worry about what will happen if this coach leaves though.

My younger child is a bit more sensitive and still has a few years ahead, so it might make more sense to move her.

Do coaches typically try to get rid of families they perceive as “problems” even if they are respectful, strong swimmers? Or will a family like ours experience the same thing even on other teams?

[Anonymous]

Honestly, it sounds like you need to find the right supports to "get it together" more. Whether that's carpools or better calendar management (or something else), this will be a problem at any club that you go to if your attendance is going to be so hit-or-miss as to impact your kids' training or the experiences of other swimmers on the team.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, it sounds like you need to find the right supports to "get it together" more. Whether that's carpools or better calendar management (or something else), this will be a problem at any club that you go to if your attendance is going to be so hit-or-miss as to impact your kids' training or the experiences of other swimmers on the team.

Ugh, disagree 1000%. Teachers and coaches should support kids and their wellbeing over swim times. All the changes you describe are a lot, is it possible the coach isn’t aware?

In any case, since it sounds like you are getting into more of a routine, I would see how it goes in the next few months. And consider speaking to your kids’ coaches to explain the lack of consistency if you haven’t already done so. If the coaches are not immediately receptive to listening and asking how they can accommodate your kids’ adjustment to their life changes, then yeah, I would switch them. Kids should feel supported by their coaches, not sandbagged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, it sounds like you need to find the right supports to "get it together" more. Whether that's carpools or better calendar management (or something else), this will be a problem at any club that you go to if your attendance is going to be so hit-or-miss as to impact your kids' training or the experiences of other swimmers on the team.

The lack of empathy in this response is breathtaking. I apologize, OP, on this individual's behalf. (And confused as to how your fluid attendance is impacting the experience of other swimmers. This isn't summer swim, where meets are team-based. And if OP's swimmers are fast, it doesn't sound like the coach is spending time catching them up at the expense of other swimmers. Blaming their real struggles on poor "calendar management" is just ... wow)

Anyway, have you tried discussing your situation (if you're comfortable) with the Head Coach to provide some proactive context on why you may be less available at times? Even better, if the club owner/president isn't the same person as the Head Coach, I'd talk to that person. At younger age groups, I'd think most clubs and coaches would show some grace if they understood the circumstances (vs. your kid just no showing whenever because they don't feel like going). If your swimmers are invited to participate in more competitive practice groups as they get older, most clubs probably wouldn't be okay with spotty attendance, regardless of the circumstances.

Regardless, the Head Coach shouldn't be making cutting remarks to your kids. I do not think you'd find that experience at other clubs. If they have concerns, they should speak to you directly. If you want to try to stick it out, I'd speak up and try to resolve the situation. Good luck with this and settling into your new routine! You've got this.

[Anonymous]

I apologize for being blunt, but anytime someone starts with single mom/pandemic stuff and then purposefully doesn't detail what the issues are... they sound as if they don't realize how bad the issues really are for the people around them.

Are you always late to practice? Do you skip mandatory practices? Do you avoid volunteering when the culture on the team is for parents to volunteer?

I am fully prepared to take your side, OP. But your description of events is raising all sorts of red flags. And as a volunteer in many different organizations and events over the years, I can guarantee that the people who are most respected and welcomed aren't necessarily the superstars. They're the ones whom we can count on to show up and do what they said they'd do!

[Anonymous]

So because your kids are some of the fastest you should be excused from being on time because COVID still has you out of sorts? Nah, you need to manage your time better. If the coach is making comments, these are not rare occurrences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, it sounds like you need to find the right supports to "get it together" more. Whether that's carpools or better calendar management (or something else), this will be a problem at any club that you go to if your attendance is going to be so hit-or-miss as to impact your kids' training or the experiences of other swimmers on the team.

It's swim. Her kids' attendance impacts her kids. There is no team to impact

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, it sounds like you need to find the right supports to "get it together" more. Whether that's carpools or better calendar management (or something else), this will be a problem at any club that you go to if your attendance is going to be so hit-or-miss as to impact your kids' training or the experiences of other swimmers on the team.

It's swim. Her kids' attendance impacts her kids. There is no team to impact

It does if they're trying to figure out who is swimming in which events, or trying to put together teams for relays, or how many coaches/volunteers are needed based on which kids will be there. Or if there are expectations of all swimmers/families about how many practices or events are required, or how early they are expected to arrive before events. OP doesn't give examples of what the coach is commenting on, but if it's gotten to the level that the coach is noticing and raising it, then it's not nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I apologize for being blunt, but anytime someone starts with single mom/pandemic stuff and then purposefully doesn't detail what the issues are... they sound as if they don't realize how bad the issues really are for the people around them.

Are you always late to practice? Do you skip mandatory practices? Do you avoid volunteering when the culture on the team is for parents to volunteer?

I am fully prepared to take your side, OP. But your description of events is raising all sorts of red flags. And as a volunteer in many different organizations and events over the years, I can guarantee that the people who are most respected and welcomed aren't necessarily the superstars. They're the ones whom we can count on to show up and do what they said they'd do!

+1 to the bolded

I absolutely have compassion for not having it together. A lot of people are struggling. But you can't pull the "my kids are the fastest" card and expect that to excuse said fast kids from practice requirements, etc. For example, if your kids are frequently late to big meets, that's very stressful for coaches. There's a team component to swimming even if it's largely individual and at high levels in particular, there is an expectation of demonstrated, reliable commitment to the team. That's not unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Is the issue just your kid missing some practices or are there additional issues? How many practices is your kid missing in a month? Are there attendence requirements for moving up to the next level that your child isn't meeting? Is your child missing meets they are signed up for?

How many comments are being made to you by the head coach? Your post makes it seem like both you and your kids have frequent conversations with the head coach. Who initiates these conversations?

[Anonymous]

You sound high maintenance. A new coach won’t fix that for you.

[Anonymous]

I will speak as a coach. If you are consistently late to practice it is disruptive to the other swimmers and rude to the coach. When a swimmer is late the coach now needs to repeat the instructions and demonstration and this takes away from the group. One child is eating the resources of the group.

Missing practice for me is not as big of a deal as showing up late.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, it sounds like you need to find the right supports to "get it together" more. Whether that's carpools or better calendar management (or something else), this will be a problem at any club that you go to if your attendance is going to be so hit-or-miss as to impact your kids' training or the experiences of other swimmers on the team.

The lack of empathy in this response is breathtaking. I apologize, OP, on this individual's behalf. (And confused as to how your fluid attendance is impacting the experience of other swimmers. This isn't summer swim, where meets are team-based. And if OP's swimmers are fast, it doesn't sound like the coach is spending time catching them up at the expense of other swimmers. Blaming their real struggles on poor "calendar management" is just ... wow)

Anyway, have you tried discussing your situation (if you're comfortable) with the Head Coach to provide some proactive context on why you may be less available at times? Even better, if the club owner/president isn't the same person as the Head Coach, I'd talk to that person. At younger age groups, I'd think most clubs and coaches would show some grace if they understood the circumstances (vs. your kid just no showing whenever because they don't feel like going). If your swimmers are invited to participate in more competitive practice groups as they get older, most clubs probably wouldn't be okay with spotty attendance, regardless of the circumstances.

Regardless, the Head Coach shouldn't be making cutting remarks to your kids. I do not think you'd find that experience at other clubs. If they have concerns, they should speak to you directly. If you want to try to stick it out, I'd speak up and try to resolve the situation. Good luck with this and settling into your new routine! You've got this.

Their "very real struggles" are Covid, divorce, school changes, and moving. Nearly everyone has experienced Covid and school changes in the last 4 years, many have moved, and divorce is unfortunately not totally out of the ordinary either. All of these are challenging to be sure, but none so out of the ordinary as to excuse outsized flakiness (or whatever the specific issues are) for this particular family. I'm sure other families and maybe even the coaches, would be willing to help with transportation or flexibility if OP was proactive about the help they need vs. making excuses and hoping to get by on their kids' proficiency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, it sounds like you need to find the right supports to "get it together" more. Whether that's carpools or better calendar management (or something else), this will be a problem at any club that you go to if your attendance is going to be so hit-or-miss as to impact your kids' training or the experiences of other swimmers on the team.

This. It isn’t about empathy for the OP. It is how her behavior is impacting the team. If she can’t get it together it may be time for her and her kids to take a break from swimming. Coaches can’t accommodate families like this. Pretty soon they’d be accommodating everyone. They’re running a business and a team.

[Anonymous]

A new team may have even less empathy since they don't know your kids or the situation. Maybe you need to look for something that has more flexibility.