Any of you forbid fraternities for DS? Dumb idea?

[Anonymous]

My DH and I try to let our children have control of their decisions. But fraternities scare me. We also have no direct experience as my DH and I went to a school that didn’t have fraternities or sororities.

Our DS is a high school junior so it’s not an issue facing us right now, but trying to begin thinking about it.

Did any of you tell your children, for their safety, fraternies were not an option? Is that even a silly restriction since we don’t have direct experience but just hear what is in the news? And it’s not about them paying for it vs us paying for it - it’s about safety.

[Anonymous]

Toga! Toga!

[Anonymous]

If you do this, please only let it be for a financial reason. Otherwise I’ll see you back on an I-hate-my-daughter-in-law thread in a few years

[Anonymous]

Yes, this is a dumb idea. There are all kinds of fraternities these days, including "business fraternities" and more nerdy ones, religious ones, etc.

[Anonymous]

You have zero control over what your kid does in college unless you keep them at home in a local college and instill a curfew. Hopefully by 18 you’ve taught them to evaluate situations before they get into them and leave immediately when they feel uncomfortable, there’s not much else you can do.

[Anonymous]

Having a conversation about your concerns and his desires is so much more effective long term than forbidding something. Especially when you have no practical way to enforce a prohibition.

[Anonymous]

I am the daughter of two Ivy Greeks and married a guy from a tame frat that had strict anti-hazing policies and was not one of the cool frats. I did not join a sorority myself because I prefer 1:1 friendships and at my college the sorority girls tended to be average students.

My point of view is that if your kid is capable of controlling alcohol use, has a strong sense of ethics, and is willing to walk away from a bad frat/hazing, and is willing to step in to prevent or mitigate bad situations, then it is o.k. I would let my kids join frats after we talked through some of the incidents as examples. In fact, I've already talked to my kids about alcohol abuse and accidents and poor judgment.

My husband's fraternity lived up to the no hazing guidelines. The pledges mainly did extra chores and tasks like making a new standard to carry at the football game. The parties they had felt safe for women. I would say that this was a nerd frat with no official house at the time. Also a historically Jewish frat.

Alcohol abuse and sexual assault are big campus problems everywhere and Greek houses can be a nexus of them. However, I think the decisions need to be left up to the students and parents need to counsel their kids to avoid the pitfalls and reap the benefits. There are benefits to having a pre-defined group of friends. And yes, the organized parties are helpful to one's social life. My best friend met her husband at a party I took her to even before my husband joined. My parents met because of Greek activities. The traditions wouldn't have lasted so long if they were ineffective.

[Anonymous]

No need to forbid. My kids did not once consider those organizations. They are discriminatory by definition. Repulsive.

[Anonymous]

I won’t forbid it but I also won’t fund a traditional Greek life experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
No need to forbid. My kids did not once consider those organizations. They are discriminatory by definition. Repulsive.

+1

Do your research, OP. The history of the Greek system is enough to deter our family, and we are white and blonde.

[Anonymous]

DH was in a fraternity, loved it and had a great experience. Most of his friends that he has stayed in touch with are from his college fraternity. That said, I'm hesitant about DS joining a fraternity but, ultimately, it will be his decision. I wouldn't outright forbid as that might push him toward it even more. You know your kid best and how he handles peer pressure and engaging in risky behavior. Having an open conversation based on that might help. I was in a sorority my freshman year but decided it really wasn't my thing.

[Anonymous]

Agree you can’t actually forbid it - he’ll be 18 and not living at home. Also agree it’s better to talk with him about Greek life, what it’s like - positives and negatives - and your concerns. Do you have any other family or trusted friends who were in a frat or sorority who he can talk to?

I would also have him do some research so he is informed if he chooses to go Greek. For example, this morning’s WaPo Metro section front page.

[Anonymous]

OP no we did not forbid it. He opted not to join but did join a club that may as well be a fraternity.

FWIW in 1997 a student fell after drinking, hit her head, and died. So it’s happened for decades and is not exclusive to fraternity organizations. Marching bands, cheer squads, elite student orgs have been in the news for hazing and bad behavior. Forbidding a fraternity doesn’t wrap them in a bubble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the daughter of two Ivy Greeks and married a guy from a tame frat that had strict anti-hazing policies and was not one of the cool frats. I did not join a sorority myself because I prefer 1:1 friendships and at my college the sorority girls tended to be average students.

My point of view is that if your kid is capable of controlling alcohol use, has a strong sense of ethics, and is willing to walk away from a bad frat/hazing, and is willing to step in to prevent or mitigate bad situations, then it is o.k. I would let my kids join frats after we talked through some of the incidents as examples. In fact, I've already talked to my kids about alcohol abuse and accidents and poor judgment.

My husband's fraternity lived up to the no hazing guidelines. The pledges mainly did extra chores and tasks like making a new standard to carry at the football game. The parties they had felt safe for women. I would say that this was a nerd frat with no official house at the time. Also a historically Jewish frat.

Alcohol abuse and sexual assault are big campus problems everywhere and Greek houses can be a nexus of them. However, I think the decisions need to be left up to the students and parents need to counsel their kids to avoid the pitfalls and reap the benefits. There are benefits to having a pre-defined group of friends. And yes, the organized parties are helpful to one's social life. My best friend met her husband at a party I took her to even before my husband joined. My parents met because of Greek activities. The traditions wouldn't have lasted so long if they were ineffective.

+1

This 1000%. Both of my kids are Greek at a college whose Greek system gets slammed here a lot. Neither are in “ cool houses” and they have never experienced teasing and they feel strongly that they would never haze anyone especially with alcohol. There are many many fraternities that are wonderful places to be and where your son could meet some lifelong friends so if you forbid it, you are destroying his free will but if you raise someone who has the PP said has a strong sense of ethics and can handle alcohol and knows walk away then he will be fine.

My daughter is in Europe right now with three other sorority sisters, having the time of her life and meeting other sorority sisters while there. My son is also in Europe with his best friend, who is also in his fraternity. I would never have wanted to forbid them to meet these people as they are absolutely fantastic kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the daughter of two Ivy Greeks and married a guy from a tame frat that had strict anti-hazing policies and was not one of the cool frats. I did not join a sorority myself because I prefer 1:1 friendships and at my college the sorority girls tended to be average students.

My point of view is that if your kid is capable of controlling alcohol use, has a strong sense of ethics, and is willing to walk away from a bad frat/hazing, and is willing to step in to prevent or mitigate bad situations, then it is o.k. I would let my kids join frats after we talked through some of the incidents as examples. In fact, I've already talked to my kids about alcohol abuse and accidents and poor judgment.

My husband's fraternity lived up to the no hazing guidelines. The pledges mainly did extra chores and tasks like making a new standard to carry at the football game. The parties they had felt safe for women. I would say that this was a nerd frat with no official house at the time. Also a historically Jewish frat.

Alcohol abuse and sexual assault are big campus problems everywhere and Greek houses can be a nexus of them. However, I think the decisions need to be left up to the students and parents need to counsel their kids to avoid the pitfalls and reap the benefits. There are benefits to having a pre-defined group of friends. And yes, the organized parties are helpful to one's social life. My best friend met her husband at a party I took her to even before my husband joined. My parents met because of Greek activities. The traditions wouldn't have lasted so long if they were ineffective.

+1

This 1000%. Both of my kids are Greek at a college whose Greek system gets slammed here a lot. Neither are in “ cool houses” and they have never experienced hazing and they feel strongly that they would never haze anyone especially with alcohol. There are many many fraternities that are wonderful places to be and where your son could meet some lifelong friends so if you forbid it, you are destroying his free will but if you raise someone who has the PP said has a strong sense of ethics and can handle alcohol and knows walk away then he will be fine.

My daughter is in Europe right now with three other sorority sisters, having the time of her life and meeting other sorority sisters while there. My son is also in Europe with his best friend, who is also in his fraternity. I would never have wanted to forbid them to meet these people as they are absolutely fantastic kids.

Sorry, doing voice to text. I did not mean teasing. Obviously it’s hazing.