Any of you forbid fraternities for DS? Dumb idea?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have zero control over what your kid does in college unless you keep them at home in a local college and instill a curfew. Hopefully by 18 you’ve taught them to evaluate situations before they get into them and leave immediately when they feel uncomfortable, there’s not much else you can do.

Actually, very few of these college students are paying for their education.

A parent cannot control the (adult) student's behavior, but they hold the purse strings and can certainly outline what they are willing to pay for, including not being willing to pay for fraternities or sororities.

For our kids, we have made it clear that frats and sororities are a no go. We ill not pay for them u der any circumstances.

Professional fraternities are a completely different ballgame. We are happy to pay for those.

But buying friends, excessive alcohol consumption and hazing are not a worthwhile return on our investment. If they want to go greek, then they need to get a job and pay for it aling with luving expenses on their own.

Adults pay their own way.

Adults who rely upon someone else to foot the bill sometimes do not get to do all the fun stuff they want to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have zero control over what your kid does in college unless you keep them at home in a local college and instill a curfew. Hopefully by 18 you’ve taught them to evaluate situations before they get into them and leave immediately when they feel uncomfortable, there’s not much else you can do.

Actually, very few of these college students are paying for their education.

A parent cannot control the (adult) student's behavior, but they hold the purse strings and can certainly outline what they are willing to pay for, including not being willing to pay for fraternities or sororities.

For our kids, we have made it clear that frats and sororities are a no go. We ill not pay for them u der any circumstances.

Professional fraternities are a completely different ballgame. We are happy to pay for those.

But buying friends, excessive alcohol consumption and hazing are not a worthwhile return on our investment. If they want to go greek, then they need to get a job and pay for it aling with luving expenses on their own.

Adults pay their own way.

Adults who rely upon someone else to foot the bill sometimes do not get to do all the fun stuff they want to do.

And how did that turn out for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have zero control over what your kid does in college unless you keep them at home in a local college and instill a curfew. Hopefully by 18 you’ve taught them to evaluate situations before they get into them and leave immediately when they feel uncomfortable, there’s not much else you can do.

Actually, very few of these college students are paying for their education.

A parent cannot control the (adult) student's behavior, but they hold the purse strings and can certainly outline what they are willing to pay for, including not being willing to pay for fraternities or sororities.

For our kids, we have made it clear that frats and sororities are a no go. We ill not pay for them u der any circumstances.

Professional fraternities are a completely different ballgame. We are happy to pay for those.

But buying friends, excessive alcohol consumption and hazing are not a worthwhile return on our investment. If they want to go greek, then they need to get a job and pay for it aling with luving expenses on their own.

Adults pay their own way.

Adults who rely upon someone else to foot the bill sometimes do not get to do all the fun stuff they want to do.

And how did that turn out for you?

So far, success rate is +2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have zero control over what your kid does in college unless you keep them at home in a local college and instill a curfew. Hopefully by 18 you’ve taught them to evaluate situations before they get into them and leave immediately when they feel uncomfortable, there’s not much else you can do.

Actually, very few of these college students are paying for their education.

A parent cannot control the (adult) student's behavior, but they hold the purse strings and can certainly outline what they are willing to pay for, including not being willing to pay for fraternities or sororities.

For our kids, we have made it clear that frats and sororities are a no go. We ill not pay for them u der any circumstances.

Professional fraternities are a completely different ballgame. We are happy to pay for those.

But buying friends, excessive alcohol consumption and hazing are not a worthwhile return on our investment. If they want to go greek, then they need to get a job and pay for it aling with luving expenses on their own.

Adults pay their own way.

Adults who rely upon someone else to foot the bill sometimes do not get to do all the fun stuff they want to do.

Btw professional fraternities are not a “completely different ballgame”. If you think they are you are deluded. At UVA last year the following organizations we investigated for hazing: club gymnastics, UGuides and Theta Tau (the engineering frat).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I won’t forbid it but I also won’t fund a traditional Greek life experience.

This. We had some serious talks with our son and let him know the dangers of hazing. In the end, the decision was on him and one that we would not fund in any way. He did join and is about to graduate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have zero control over what your kid does in college unless you keep them at home in a local college and instill a curfew. Hopefully by 18 you’ve taught them to evaluate situations before they get into them and leave immediately when they feel uncomfortable, there’s not much else you can do.

Actually, very few of these college students are paying for their education.

A parent cannot control the (adult) student's behavior, but they hold the purse strings and can certainly outline what they are willing to pay for, including not being willing to pay for fraternities or sororities.

For our kids, we have made it clear that frats and sororities are a no go. We ill not pay for them u der any circumstances.

Professional fraternities are a completely different ballgame. We are happy to pay for those.

But buying friends, excessive alcohol consumption and hazing are not a worthwhile return on our investment. If they want to go greek, then they need to get a job and pay for it aling with luving expenses on their own.

Adults pay their own way.

Adults who rely upon someone else to foot the bill sometimes do not get to do all the fun stuff they want to do.

That's hilarious. They've really conned you.

[Anonymous]

This isn’t something I’d worry too much about this far out. DS is a sophomore at a big state flagship with a huge Greek scene. I thought he’d end up rushing but he went to one party and determined it was not for him. He has lots of friends who made similar decisions. I have been talking to my boys about alcohol, substance abuse and consent since they were young hoping the repetitive message would sink in so maybe that has helped. Had my son wanted to pledge, I probably would have subtly discouraged him by letting him know he had to pay the cost (which can be a lot for a college kid). I feel like forbidding usually backfires.

[Anonymous]

I would not forbid it. He might join and not tell you. Discuss the pros and cons openly with your kid and despite what you think, there are some pros.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not forbid it. He might join and not tell you. Discuss the pros and cons openly with your kid and despite what you think, there are some pros.

So true! My DS has told me of a couple who joined his (very innocuous) chapter and didn’t tell their parents. They pay the dues and no one knows.

[Anonymous]

Heavily suggesting they don’t.

My husband was a rugby player in a Frat and is the biggest opponent of it.

We had them watch the recent documentary of the VCU kid that died from hazing.

My Senior has a strong backbone. Never had to follow the crowd. He’s like me and would totally tell them to F off and walk out. Actually has made him more popular for it.

Don’t be a lemming and lookout for the weaker/underdogs afraid to use their voice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Heavily suggesting they don’t.

My husband was a rugby player in a Frat and is the biggest opponent of it.

We had them watch the recent documentary of the VCU kid that died from hazing.

My Senior has a strong backbone. Never had to follow the crowd. He’s like me and would totally tell them to F off and walk out. Actually has made him more popular for it.

Don’t be a lemming and lookout for the weaker/underdogs afraid to use their voice.

Oh- they obviously not applying to Greek heavy southern schools and such.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP no we did not forbid it. He opted not to join but did join a club that may as well be a fraternity.

FWIW in 1997 a student fell after drinking, hit her head, and died. So it’s happened for decades and is not exclusive to fraternity organizations. Marching bands, cheer squads, elite student orgs have been in the news for hazing and bad behavior. Forbidding a fraternity doesn’t wrap them in a bubble.

Happened to a friend of mine from HS —while she was in college. So sad

[Anonymous]

I have never forbidden anything. I don’t think that’s the right approach with an older teenager approaching adulthood. I did have conversations about things that concerned me and conveyed them to my DC, kind of like planting seeds. Frequently. So that they could have a perspective to consider and make their own value judgments - this included Greek, Using Ubers in big cities, Sex, Underage drinking, Drugs. My DC is open with me about all of these things.
I would think that as a parent you don’t want to forbid, you want open dialogue about important things. Because they are going to do what they’re going to do OP.

[Anonymous]

We thought about forbidding it, but my son decided that he didn’t have time for a fraternity due to the demands of his engineering major. He doesn’t like drinking or the hookup culture and says that his social life is somewhat limited because of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I won’t forbid it but I also won’t fund a traditional Greek life experience.

This. You need to be realistic about how much control you have over college kids. Yes, you can refuse to pay for college altogether if they pledge (or don’t major in business, or don’t join a knitting club, or whatever). But that’s very heavy handed parenting of a an adult child. I’m glad neither of my kids decided to go Greek. But, I am more of the explain my concerns and tell them that if they go Greek, they pay all the associated costs. If they want to kill themselves all summer to raise the money, that’s their choice. Because, let’s face it. A kid who wants to drink and party will find a way on almost any college campus, whether they go Greek or not.