Assisted Living for Father

[Anonymous]

I have been caring for my parents for the last 10+ years. Dad has been living with me, other than a few visits to siblings, since 2020. Last year was all me. My DH and DD (18) are hanging in there. Not complaining. I am exhausted. He can bathe himself, remember his meds (I fill them), walk around the house with walker/cane. He had a bad fall last year, but no serious injuries. He can barely navigate the stairs anymore and while the shower works for him now, I imaging not for long.

I tried classes, adult day care. His social connection is me - all day long. Talks to me every time I walk by him in the house - "how are you", "how's work". I take him to the library, watch tv with him at night. Cook all means (for everyone), handle alls his finances, medical etc. I have 4 siblings. 1 lives close by; others 2 hours away. The once close by takes him out to lunch once in awhile. The others visit 2 times a year and are just guests when they are here, but he loves to see them.

I work at home (part time), but will soon go full time for a short period of time. I'm exhausted and don't feel well. I felt actually dizzy and unable to think of words the other day.

DD is looking at colleges and hasn't had a good high school experience. She is down and sad and making choices for next year.

DH works 12 - 14 hour days. Always has.

I'm not even feeling like I'm functioning anymore. I'm forgetting things. I cry constantly.

I know that much of this would be a bit better if my father was in assisted living, but he's scared, has never lived along and really doesn't want to. He doesn't have much money, but does have enough for 2-3 years. He's soon to be 89.

Advice?

[Anonymous]

I think some centers office respite care. Maybe he would be willing to try it for a short time. At least you would have some kind of break. Hopefully he would like it!

[Anonymous]

He doesn’t need assisted living he could go into independent living at asbury Methodist

[Anonymous]

Where are you located? Here in Fairfax, there are some nice places for very low income -- and then there are very expensive places.

If you keep him at your home, "what he wants" doesn't get to decide. Set boundaries on your time and hire help.

[Anonymous]

I went through something similar. My dad died a couple of years back so maybe some time and distance has softened how difficult everything felt at the time.

OP I have some much empathy for you. Ultimately I kept my dad with us til he died and I’m glad I did. He just wouldn’t have done well in assisted living (not to mention how expensive it is).

I can’t predict your dad’s future but if he’s not in the greatest of health and you don’t think he will live many more years, could you come up with a plan where he stays with you but your local sibling helps more?

I have many, many regrets about my moms death and wish I could have done things differently, but with my dad I feel good about how I managed to make him as comfortable as possible in his last years.

But seriously, do whatever you need to do, it sounds like you are really struggling and could use a lot more support. It’s very, very hard having a family, a job and also taking care of an ailing parent.

[Anonymous]

Op, for another point of view. We had been trying to keep my grandparents in their home as long as possible, but they were pretty isolated due to their mobility issues and when they moved to assisted living my grandfather actually flourished. He loved eating meals with others, going to the singalongs, etc etc. Sometimes it can actually be a great thing for people. So don’t be hard on yourself if that is the next step for all of you! Being a caretaker is one of the hardest jobs and you’ve already done more than the vast majority of us.

It’s ok to balance both your needs and his. I think we’d allll be a lot better off if all of us accepted that the vast majority of us, if we live that long, will likely need to be in some sort of supportive care setting at some point. It is the reality for most because we are living longer and have more ways to keep people alive from things they would have died from in earlier years.

[Anonymous]

To add, I guess what I’m trying to say is if you are lucky enough to live close to 90 and beyond, most people end up in a supportive care setting. And it doesn’t have to be as awful as people make it out to be!

[Anonymous]

Final note: if you don’t pursue assisted living then I think you need to have a come to Jesus with your siblings. Come up with a care schedule. Local sibling doing xyz thing with him on xyz days each week. Nonlocal siblings coming up for one week or weekend at a time every two months so you can go away. Things like that.

You say to them siblings, I am burnt out. It is impacting my physical and mental health greatly. And I’m going to be working full time. I need more help with dad. I’d like to come up with a care schedule where I can build in more support. Here are the things dad needs help with, have list of the things you do. Here are the things that would be helpful to have support on: x number of times per week, x. Someone to take him to x recurring Dr appointment he has monthly. One weekend every month to spend time with daughter and husband.

I’m making this up and you’d probably have to soften it so they don’t respond with defensiveness or guilt. It’s not to say hey you haven’t been doing enough but to say this is hard, dad is aging and needs more and I need you to step up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t need assisted living he could go into independent living at asbury Methodist

Doesn't it have a huge buy in?

[Anonymous]

Much sympathy to you OP. You are a much better person than me. I'm an only child with a widowed father who lived to 90. He lived independently in a condo 5 minutes from my house up until around the age of 87. I was his main social contact and did a lot of things for him on a daily basis, including bringing him meals. I had a young child at the time, so was pulled in several directions.

After a series of falls, I convinced him to move into assisted living for his own safety. He ended up moving into The Virginian in Fairfax where started off in an independent living apartment and then received assisted living services as his needs increased (bathing, toileting, dressing), and finally, hospice services.

He was an introvert so didn't make any friends or participate in any of the activities, but at least he was safe. I visited every day for hours and took him to all this appointments (at least 2 a week). My home was not physically set up for someone who used a walker, had frequent falls, and could not climb stairs--most homes are not. He convalesced at my home for a month at a time after each hospitalization (heart surgery, falls), but it was tough because he had to sleep on a bed in the living room and I would have to drive him to his apartment for showers since he couldn't do stairs.

And, frankly, it would have been too much for me to take care of both an elementary-school age child and a senior in the same home. I am grateful that he accepted the AL arrangement and made the best of it and did not guilt me into living with me. I was stressed as it is providing the care that I did, which still took hours every day, and was on anti-anxiety meds and developed stress-related shingles. Like you, my DH worked-works 12-14 hours a day, so I was essentially a single parent. I would have completely lost it if I had as much on my plate as you do. Your health and your relationship with your DD (who will soon be gone and with which you will never get back this time) and your DH are important. You can preserve those AND still be there for your dad--just not in your own home. Hugs to you and know that you are not alone.

[Anonymous]

OP - It is highly unlikely that your siblings will suddenly put in much effort to help care for your Dad as you have been willing carry the load for a decade. At this point in time, I would definitely find a senior center for him to attend at least a couple of days a week. Perhaps, you would do better at this point in time in just saying that you need a break and asking each of your three siblings to take your dad for a weekend/long weekend once a quarter.

If that is not possible, then have you considered looking for a part-time job job outside of your home so you can just have a life and routine of your own. If not, then you say you work part-time so schedule being out of the home a definite period of time say twice a week AND bring in someone two days a week. It might be a person who would do housework one day and be more of a sitter the other -- preparing lunch for you dad, whatever. In other words, your respite would be to schedule time for yourself that you could count on AND at the same time introduce your dad to the idea that he will be needing others to help him beyond you. You might enjoy a gym where your could take a class and just do other activities, being able to go to the library and just read in peace, perhap doing a volunteer job you might enjoy or taking a daytime class yourself, meeting friends for lunch or coffee.

You might try to work out a way with your husband and daughter, too, to give you a little respite on the weekends every couple of weeks. Depending on your finances, can you find a sitter for dad to be able to get away for a weekend with DH or on a trip for three of you before your daughter leaves for college.

[Anonymous]

OP, assisted living is the answer. Find one nearby and visit him there when you can, like a couple times a week. Nearby Sibling can also visit him a couple times a week. All
Siblings can chip in to help pay for it.

Do you think part of your daughter’s bad experience in high school has been seeing her
mother ground into the dust by all the pressures? Would you wish on your daughter the life you currently have for yourself? Put your dad in AL and enjoy these last months with your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP - It is highly unlikely that your siblings will suddenly put in much effort to help care for your Dad as you have been willing carry the load for a decade. At this point in time, I would definitely find a senior center for him to attend at least a couple of days a week. Perhaps, you would do better at this point in time in just saying that you need a break and asking each of your three siblings to take your dad for a weekend/long weekend once a quarter.

If that is not possible, then have you considered looking for a part-time job job outside of your home so you can just have a life and routine of your own. If not, then you say you work part-time so schedule being out of the home a definite period of time say twice a week AND bring in someone two days a week. It might be a person who would do housework one day and be more of a sitter the other -- preparing lunch for you dad, whatever. In other words, your respite would be to schedule time for yourself that you could count on AND at the same time introduce your dad to the idea that he will be needing others to help him beyond you. You might enjoy a gym where your could take a class and just do other activities, being able to go to the library and just read in peace, perhap doing a volunteer job you might enjoy or taking a daytime class yourself, meeting friends for lunch or coffee.

You might try to work out a way with your husband and daughter, too, to give you a little respite on the weekends every couple of weeks. Depending on your finances, can you find a sitter for dad to be able to get away for a weekend with DH or on a trip for three of you before your daughter leaves for college.

I’m dealing with a tough situation with my mom at the moment - different but challenging - so I really feel for you. If the siblings can’t/won’t come help can they provide financial help? If you could hire an aide a few days a week that might provide you a break. You may have to try a few to find the right fit but you can find someone who will talk to him and provide some company for him without requiring him to be in a group setting if he doesn’t like that.

[Anonymous]

It will be easier once your DC leaves and your attention isn’t so divided. It’s only a few months, see if your sibling can take him once a week. Get him a transfer chair for the bath and grab bars to make it easier. Find a home health care team to come in and provide assistance or for respite.