When your previously abusive and unstable parent is now sick and ailing...

[Anonymous]

It's all very emotional, confusing, exhausting, and disorienting. It's grief and saddness and anger...all wrapped up into one big cluster.

If you have faced a similar experience...what was it like for you?

[Anonymous]

I struggle every day with mixed feelings. Like a see-saw of thoughts and emotions. One second I feel total compassion and then the next I want to punish her. I have not fully come to any resolution. I am starting to think that I will always be damaged and it’s just the way it is.

[Anonymous]

My grandparents neglected their kids, particularly the youngest, my mother. They did not prevent her siblings from bullying her. My grandmother slapped her around and told her she was a mistake, should have been a boy, and that she did not love her.

So my mother did very little to help her mother in her old age. One older sister did most of the heavy lifting, and received more inheritance. My mother contributed some money from afar. We did respond to one medical emergency, and I comforted my Grandma. We attended the funeral. I cried. My mother neither helped nor hindered my relationship with my Grandma.

OP, all your feelings are normal! I'm sure my mother felt quite confused, but she didn't let on. You are a good human being, and the decisions you make will be the right ones for you. Peace.

[Anonymous]

I had mostly gotten myself to a place where i could deal with my mom. I told myself (and still mostly believe) that she hadn’t had what she needed to give me what I needed. Maybe she did her best. It didn’t matter. The past was the past, and I felt like I’d largely moved on. I have a great family now, a good life, a lot of support. I really was able to not think about it much.

Mom and I saw each other sometimes. It wasn’t easy, but it was okay. It never lasted long.

But trying to help her as she ages has brought up all kinds of stuff I didn’t even know was still in there. I’m grieving forward, about all the terrible end of life stuff. But at the same time I’m grieving backwards, about my childhood, all those things I thought I’d settled, or at least moved past, emotionally.

It’s hard. Much much harder than I expected.

[Anonymous]

I am going through this with my mother. She was emotionally abusive and a narcissist. I am now with my sister responsible for every aspect of her life. I thought my feelings about the past had been resolved but she this role reversal has brought it front and center.

Some days I am better towards her than others. Those days, I just keep it all business like she's just an acquaintance. I struggle with the guilt of this but completely understand your feelings.

Just would like this chapter to be over so I can bury the feelings again.

[Anonymous]

Setting boundaries and keeping my expectations extremely low. Also, not sharing any personal information. We just talk about the TV shows they watch.

That’s actually working fairly well.

Sometimes my mother asks for information and I do feel awkward not really answering her, but when I do, she turns it around and inside out, so I’m learning not to fall for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Setting boundaries and keeping my expectations extremely low. Also, not sharing any personal information. We just talk about the TV shows they watch.

That’s actually working fairly well.

Sometimes my mother asks for information and I do feel awkward not really answering her, but when I do, she turns it around and inside out, so I’m learning not to fall for it.

This. OMG, yes.

Also my mom has become kind of a shut-in who reads FB all day, and the only thing she actively wants to talk about is politics. So it’s like we either have a real conversation which I know will get twisted, or I have to hear about Elise Stefanik and Jim Jordan nonstop.

Not gonna lie, sometimes I take a low-dose edible before I see her, bc it is the only way I have found to take the edge off. I barely even drink but here I am, in midlife, turning to edibles.

(Yes, I know this is a sign of dysfunction, and that this will probably get flagged. But it is the truth of where I am in this situation.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's all very emotional, confusing, exhausting, and disorienting. It's grief and saddness and anger...all wrapped up into one big cluster.

If you have faced a similar experience...what was it like for you?

This was my aunt. I won’t lie - it was grueling, emotionally draining, frustrating, physically draining and even the paramedics told me to get out of her house - NOW. Should have listened. It’s given me tremendous health anxiety and I ended up on Zoloft

[Anonymous]

This is going to sound awful, but I'm really grateful that I went almost no contact for a few years. I waited until my kids were old enough that she could form her own relationships with them, and I never interfered with that. That completely disrupted her expectations of me. There was no more expecting me to host her periodically, or that I would visit, etc. I am very fortunate that she has enough money and a good long-term care insurance policy. She also has a husband with power of attorney and health care proxy. He is handling her dementia (honestly, probably better care than a memory unit). I reestablished contact with her as her dementia was taking hold. I have asked my step-father what the plan is if something happens to him, but he has shut me out of that and will give me no information. I call, but then a lot of feelings surface, and sometimes it's a while before I call again. It is really triggering for me, some of the things she says, and then my own sadness at her decline. I fully expect that something may happen to her husband, and then it will be full disaster mode, but she knows and expects to end up in a care facility.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you all for the responses... Sending sympathy and empathy for all who are walking this awful road...

[Anonymous]

My mother has borderline personality disorder (mostly emotional vacuum/vampire). I was parentified very young after my dad left. They are both ailing now. My dad chose to be with someone who hated the fact that he had kids so we are distant. I’m fully responsible for my mom now and at first I had big feelings about being parentified again(leaving the country for a long time, living across the country and having my own family out a lot of boundaries I place but now they are eroding).
Lately however I’ve
Both let go if the resentment and established boundaries (don’t listen to her rent; don’t fall for guilt trips; etc).
I am able to see my mother as damaged by her mother and much of her emotional instability was that she was profoundly alone, a father who abandoned her and no siblings and a husband who left (in part because she was a black hole of need).’She had no relationship with her mother once she was out of the house but I am rewriting the story and what I do now for her is out of compassion and so that I know I have done right by her and by me.’ It’s hard sometimes but I am modeling compassion and healthy boundaries for my kids. I also had to really mourn the fact I didn’t have a nurturing mother. She just couldn’t . Wanted to but couldn’t.

It’s normal to have mixed feelings and it’s ok to put up boundaries.

[Anonymous]

it was horrible and abusive until I got therapy and had major boundaries. Boundaries are about you not the parent. Parent hated them and tantrum, not my problem. I do not allow any abuse anymore.

Contract out and/or find a place your parent can afford if parent will go. Grey rock-no personal info. Keep things light and pleasant and if redirecting/distracting/changing subject does not work for difficult behavior, leave.

As others said, keep expectations low. Don't expect apologies. Do insist on respect.

[Anonymous]

I am navigating this now. My narcissistic father passed away with no plans in place for my mom with dementia. Mom enabled my dads abuse and also emotionally neglected us. I feel like I am now being asked to mother someone who never mothered me. I had been extremely low contact with oth of themuntil my dad got sick. Poor me by far. The worst part is having to interact with my siblings. My parents always pitted us against each other and my brother is the golden child while I am the scapegoat I try to visit my mother occasionally and keep it light not discussing anything serious. I also make sure to take care of myself by like getting massages and planning something fun after I spend time with my mother, I have also had a lot of therapy since this stage of my life is bringing up a lot of issues. I also find it really difficult because as my mother has lost her filter, she doesn’t even pretend that she cares about my sisters and I as much as she cares about my brother. It gets so tiring to have to hear about what a great guy he is because he really isn’t

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am navigating this now. My narcissistic father passed away with no plans in place for my mom with dementia. Mom enabled my dads abuse and also emotionally neglected us. I feel like I am now being asked to mother someone who never mothered me. I had been extremely low contact with oth of themuntil my dad got sick. Poor me by far. The worst part is having to interact with my siblings. My parents always pitted us against each other and my brother is the golden child while I am the scapegoat I try to visit my mother occasionally and keep it light not discussing anything serious. I also make sure to take care of myself by like getting massages and planning something fun after I spend time with my mother, I have also had a lot of therapy since this stage of my life is bringing up a lot of issues. I also find it really difficult because as my mother has lost her filter, she doesn’t even pretend that she cares about my sisters and I as much as she cares about my brother. It gets so tiring to have to hear about what a great guy he is because he really isn’t

brother's job to take care of mom, not yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[

This. OMG, yes.

Also my mom has become kind of a shut-in who reads FB all day, and the only thing she actively wants to talk about is politics. So it’s like we either have a real conversation which I know will get twisted, or I have to hear about Elise Stefanik and Jim Jordan nonstop.

Not gonna lie, sometimes I take a low-dose edible before I see her, bc it is the only way I have found to take the edge off. I barely even drink but here I am, in midlife, turning to edibles.

(Yes, I know this is a sign of dysfunction, and that this will probably get flagged. But it is the truth of where I am in this situation.)

I don’t know it’s a sign of dysfunction or not (or what this says about my relationship with my parents), but I think the edible thing is genius and inspiring. I’m definitely trying it. (NP)