‘OK, since you need to know now, the answer is no’

[Anonymous]

We spend a lot of time with MIL/FIL, who live only an hour away. We try to do things that are important to them, like go to them for lots of holidays, since they really like their church friends to see the kids. All communication happens through DH, though of course DH and I discuss the requests and the plans, and make decisions together. I’d say we say yes to 80% of requests for our time.

The issue is, the way MIL asks for answers NOW and hounds until she gets an answer. She won’t just issue an invitation: she’ll issue an invitation and will be like “let me know today,” no matter that she’s asking about a date that’s, say, six weeks away. She’ll keep texting even though she knows DH is at work and he still needs to talk with me about it, etc., etc.

DH is frankly sick of this and told me over the weekend that his new response to her is “If you need to know now, the answer is no, we won’t be able to visit that day. If you can wait a few days for Jill and I to discuss it, I may be able to say yes, but if you need to know now and won’t leave me alone until you get an answer, the answer is no.”

I think this is kind of harsh, but at the same time, I more than see where he’s coming from. Should I just let this play out for a while, or should I suggest a phone call or something to at least discuss the dynamic and let her know why it has become problematic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We spend a lot of time with MIL/FIL, who live only an hour away. We try to do things that are important to them, like go to them for lots of holidays, since they really like their church friends to see the kids. All communication happens through DH, though of course DH and I discuss the requests and the plans, and make decisions together. I’d say we say yes to 80% of requests for our time.

The issue is, the way MIL asks for answers NOW and hounds until she gets an answer. She won’t just issue an invitation: she’ll issue an invitation and will be like “let me know today,” no matter that she’s asking about a date that’s, say, six weeks away. She’ll keep texting even though she knows DH is at work and he still needs to talk with me about it, etc., etc.

DH is frankly sick of this and told me over the weekend that his new response to her is “If you need to know now, the answer is no, we won’t be able to visit that day. If you can wait a few days for Jill and I to discuss it, I may be able to say yes, but if you need to know now and won’t leave me alone until you get an answer, the answer is no.”

I think this is kind of harsh, but at the same time, I more than see where he’s coming from. Should I just let this play out for a while, or should I suggest a phone call or something to at least discuss the dynamic and let her know why it has become problematic?

Let your husband handle it.

[Anonymous]

Tell him you hope he figures it out, and then go back to whatever you were doing.

[Anonymous]

Your DH is brilliant.

[Anonymous]

In your circumstance, nothing he says will be too harsh, he's their son. Do not rein him in. He has his own relationship with his parents - it's between them. If he ticks them off, it's likely not the first time. These are adults having an adult relationship and some times adults tick the other one off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is brilliant.

DH could teach a clinic. His technique is just *chef’s kiss*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In your circumstance, nothing he says will be too harsh, he's their son. Do not rein him in. He has his own relationship with his parents - it's between them. If he ticks them off, it's likely not the first time. These are adults having an adult relationship and some times adults tick the other one off.

This. Assuming he otherwise has a good relationship (sounds like it) then I think it’s fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is brilliant.

DH could teach a clinic. His technique is just *chef’s kiss*

Seriously. Genius. You got a good one OP!

[Anonymous]

I love this. I’m going to use it with my mother.

[Anonymous]

There’s nothing for you to do here.

[Anonymous]

Rejoice that your husband is willing and able to draw boundaries. That is what you do.

[Anonymous]

I think this is the wife posting what she wants her DH to say so she can show him the responses. This is pretty obviously a perfect response from the DH, enough that I can't understand how OP would seriously question that and want to start calling MIL to further discuss... rofl.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thank you for the responses, it just feels harsh but they are the ones to communicate, not me. MIL is very sweet, I just think she gets anxious and likes to have things “settled.” But it has been increasingly hard to deal with as the kids get older and we have more and more things filling up the calendar to plan around. We usually can make things work, it’s just not an immediate yes. Thank you for the perspective.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is right. He's setting a boundary to demand respect for his wife and kids. And you the wife are upset about that? You're nuts.

[Anonymous]

Stay out of it and let your husband handle it.