Teen not interested in school

[Anonymous]

I’m kind of at my wit’s end with my son. He has struggled with school since kindergarten and was put on an IEP in second grade for behavioral problems. Most of the problems were him getting frustrated and throwing some kind of temper tantrum. They did behavior charts and had goals for him and rewards if he met them. This went on for several years without any real progress. He spent a lot of his time at school sitting in the back of the classroom with headphones on reading textbooks and other reading materials the teachers had in the room. He did his schoolwork either at home with me or with his special Ed teacher at school. He always did the bare minimum, if that.
By seventh grade, he was behind in several subjects. He is developmentally behind in fine and gross motor skills and struggled with handwriting. He also really struggled with math and grammar.
I pulled him out of school and homeschooled for two years. I took him to an OT to work on handwriting, and we worked to get caught up on grammar and math. I also taught him to type. ( I’m an ER doctor, and I was able to go part time and take evening/overnight shifts to be home with him). He was also in a homeschool co-op and seemed to be doing okay. He was still fighting me the whole time, though, and we decided he should go back to school.

So, he is a freshman in high school now. He is very kind and polite. He has a normal IQ. He has an IEP and support from staff. But he just doesn’t seem to care. Whatever punishment he gets, he just seems to accept as his lot in life. He had detentions nearly every day and Saturday schools nearly every weekend for skipping classes (mostly PE) his first semester, and he failed every class. He lost tons of privileges at home, and he just sort of hangs out and reads computer coding manuals or plays with his siblings. Right now he is making homemade pizzas with his sister and telling her about Linux.

He is in danger of failing again this semester and just doesn’t seem to care. I sit down with him to do his school assignments, and he doesn’t want to do them. I worked with his teachers to get modifications, and he just says that he is bored or not interested. Sometimes he will get motivated for a week and start to get caught up, but then he falls behind again and he gives up.

He has been diagnosed with level 1 autism, but I’m not sure that really fits. He is seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist and is in a social skills group that he enjoys.
He is on a mountain biking team that he likes. He treats races just like normal bike rides, which is fine.

What do I do here? Do I send him to military school? Do I just need to accept that he probably won’t graduate high school and he can get a GED later if he wants it?

Thanks to anyone who took the time to read this. It’s nice to sort of get it out. I appreciate any thoughts!

[Anonymous]

It sounds like school really isn’t serving your kid well. I sympathize. My kid has above average intelligence but a slew of learning disabilities that make school a total slog. He is a junior now and has good insight into his own behavior, and has said that the only reason he cares enough not to fail is that it matters to us that he not fail, so he gets mostly Cs. If he worked hard he could get many As and lots of Bs. But he hates it, so he won’t.

In your shoes I might consider the GED and then community college courses. Maybe he would enjoy a course on Linux? I don’t know that my kid would pass a GED exam, and he loves his high school sports teams and wants to go to college so he can play his sport…otherwise I might go the GED/vocational training route.

It’s really scary to step off the regular path and let your kid do something else. I find it especially hard because both my husband and I are hyper educated egg heads, and my family of origin has some pretty messed up educational snobbery. I have to fight with myself to not act out of snobbery and fear.

[Anonymous]

I've posted before about the advice our prescribing psychiatrist gave me about my DS who sounds similar to yours: Focus on getting your DS through HS without depression and without a substance abuse issue. Everything else can be fixed after that.

That advice was a game changer for me. It didn't mean I had no expectations or goals for DS. It WAS the goal. Getting thru HS meant graduating with a regular diploma. So, I focused on that. I stopped thinking of grades and 'after HS'.

Instead, I focused on 'effort' as reflected by the number of assignments completed and turned in on time. I communicated this to all of DS's teachers every year. It was the only IEP goal I cared about. I tied it to privileges - outstanding assignments? No screen time/cell phone for you. I reviewed the school's online SW every evening with DS and on Sundays we reviewed what was coming up the next week. I did NOT restrict sports at all. There are a lot of benefits of sports (all rec league).

Did I enjoy this? Not at all. But, the goal was met. DS is now 20 and has gotten his shlt together. He found a passion and is now willing to do things he has no interest in because he recognizes he has to do them to get where he wants to be. Time and maturity have made a HUGE difference. HTH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is very kind and polite. He has a normal IQ... he just sort of hangs out and reads computer coding manuals or plays with his siblings. Right now he is making homemade pizzas with his sister and telling her about Linux... ..is in a social skills group that he enjoys.
He is on a mountain biking team that he likes...

OP, forgive me but your son sounds like a great kid who is just a bad fit for traditional school. He seems to be able to get along with people, with siblings and seems to have interests. Reading a coding manual in his free time and making pizza with a sib is great. Is there a vocational program in your county that he could enroll in or is his schedule flexible enough that you could load him up on computer classes?

[Anonymous]

I had two kids who have special needs and no interest in whether they completed HS. My story is different, but no less grueling. Anyway, my thought as I was going through it was this. In order to become independent, you need a job that pays a living wage and offers health insurance. (And let’s face it, we’re not living forever and no one but us wants to take care of our kids so they need to be independent if at all possible).

In order to get a job that pays a living wage and health insurance, you need a HS diploma or GED. GED is a much harder route than HS Diploma and, as a parent, there is not much you can do to make a GED happen. D’s get you a HS diploma. If you graduate with all D’s, you can get into your local community college if you ever get motivated. Once you do two years in a CC, you are automatically admitted into a state school. Given this trajectory, the best possible set up for success is to get that HS diploma, even if you D out.

Having D’d out two kids (one in 2021 and one in 2017 - long stories and different path than yours so no value in sharing), I feel like the HS diploma was hands down the best route. One completed trade school and has a well paying full time job with insurance and a pension. The other is in CC after a bit of a hiatus.

[Anonymous]

“ Right now he is making homemade pizzas with his sister and telling her about Linux.”

I love this. He sounds great.

OP, I think you’re just gonna have to drop the rope with this one. Possibly you could get him into a private SN school that will give him passing grades. Or maybe you just have to wait and see.

Can you intervene to physicalmy get him to do some of the work?

Are you in MoCo? Could he transfer to the GT/LD program?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've posted before about the advice our prescribing psychiatrist gave me about my DS who sounds similar to yours: Focus on getting your DS through HS without depression and without a substance abuse issue. Everything else can be fixed after that.

That advice was a game changer for me. It didn't mean I had no expectations or goals for DS. It WAS the goal. Getting thru HS meant graduating with a regular diploma. So, I focused on that. I stopped thinking of grades and 'after HS'.

Instead, I focused on 'effort' as reflected by the number of assignments completed and turned in on time. I communicated this to all of DS's teachers every year. It was the only IEP goal I cared about. I tied it to privileges - outstanding assignments? No screen time/cell phone for you. I reviewed the school's online SW every evening with DS and on Sundays we reviewed what was coming up the next week. I did NOT restrict sports at all. There are a lot of benefits of sports (all rec league).

Did I enjoy this? Not at all. But, the goal was met. DS is now 20 and has gotten his shlt together. He found a passion and is now willing to do things he has no interest in because he recognizes he has to do them to get where he wants to be. Time and maturity have made a HUGE difference. HTH

You sound like an amazing mom and you got stellar advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is very kind and polite. He has a normal IQ... he just sort of hangs out and reads computer coding manuals or plays with his siblings. Right now he is making homemade pizzas with his sister and telling her about Linux... ..is in a social skills group that he enjoys.
He is on a mountain biking team that he likes...

OP, forgive me but your son sounds like a great kid who is just a bad fit for traditional school. He seems to be able to get along with people, with siblings and seems to have interests. Reading a coding manual in his free time and making pizza with a sib is great. Is there a vocational program in your county that he could enroll in or is his schedule flexible enough that you could load him up on computer classes?

I so agree. Also can he just work with a tutor every day for an hour to get the classwork done?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've posted before about the advice our prescribing psychiatrist gave me about my DS who sounds similar to yours: Focus on getting your DS through HS without depression and without a substance abuse issue. Everything else can be fixed after that.

That advice was a game changer for me. It didn't mean I had no expectations or goals for DS. It WAS the goal. Getting thru HS meant graduating with a regular diploma. So, I focused on that. I stopped thinking of grades and 'after HS'.

Instead, I focused on 'effort' as reflected by the number of assignments completed and turned in on time. I communicated this to all of DS's teachers every year. It was the only IEP goal I cared about. I tied it to privileges - outstanding assignments? No screen time/cell phone for you. I reviewed the school's online SW every evening with DS and on Sundays we reviewed what was coming up the next week. I did NOT restrict sports at all. There are a lot of benefits of sports (all rec league).

Did I enjoy this? Not at all. But, the goal was met. DS is now 20 and has gotten his shlt together. He found a passion and is now willing to do things he has no interest in because he recognizes he has to do them to get where he wants to be. Time and maturity have made a HUGE difference. HTH

+100

The Self Driven Child gives great advice. I did a version of this with my kid and his grades and effort really improved.

OP, it sounds like screens aren’t the issue here! Huge win. Keep up the great work and when he gets to 16, prompt him to develop a plan for independence. He will need a job and to start paying rent of continues to live at home. How does he intend to do that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've posted before about the advice our prescribing psychiatrist gave me about my DS who sounds similar to yours: Focus on getting your DS through HS without depression and without a substance abuse issue. Everything else can be fixed after that.

That advice was a game changer for me. It didn't mean I had no expectations or goals for DS. It WAS the goal. Getting thru HS meant graduating with a regular diploma. So, I focused on that. I stopped thinking of grades and 'after HS'.

Instead, I focused on 'effort' as reflected by the number of assignments completed and turned in on time. I communicated this to all of DS's teachers every year. It was the only IEP goal I cared about. I tied it to privileges - outstanding assignments? No screen time/cell phone for you. I reviewed the school's online SW every evening with DS and on Sundays we reviewed what was coming up the next week. I did NOT restrict sports at all. There are a lot of benefits of sports (all rec league).

Did I enjoy this? Not at all. But, the goal was met. DS is now 20 and has gotten his shlt together. He found a passion and is now willing to do things he has no interest in because he recognizes he has to do them to get where he wants to be. Time and maturity have made a HUGE difference. HTH

+100

The Self Driven Child gives great advice. I did a version of this with my kid and his grades and effort really improved.

OP, it sounds like screens aren’t the issue here! Huge win. Keep up the great work and when he gets to 16, prompt him to develop a plan for independence. He will need a job and to start paying rent of continues to live at home. How does he intend to do that?

DP. I want to read the Self-Driven Child but I am kind of burned out on all the “gee whiz brain science” stuff that turns out to be based on crappy psychology research (eg “growth mindset.”) From the blurbs I’ve read it seems heavily geared towards kids who are already achieving. What did you find helpful about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've posted before about the advice our prescribing psychiatrist gave me about my DS who sounds similar to yours: Focus on getting your DS through HS without depression and without a substance abuse issue. Everything else can be fixed after that.

That advice was a game changer for me. It didn't mean I had no expectations or goals for DS. It WAS the goal. Getting thru HS meant graduating with a regular diploma. So, I focused on that. I stopped thinking of grades and 'after HS'.

Instead, I focused on 'effort' as reflected by the number of assignments completed and turned in on time. I communicated this to all of DS's teachers every year. It was the only IEP goal I cared about. I tied it to privileges - outstanding assignments? No screen time/cell phone for you. I reviewed the school's online SW every evening with DS and on Sundays we reviewed what was coming up the next week. I did NOT restrict sports at all. There are a lot of benefits of sports (all rec league).

Did I enjoy this? Not at all. But, the goal was met. DS is now 20 and has gotten his shlt together. He found a passion and is now willing to do things he has no interest in because he recognizes he has to do them to get where he wants to be. Time and maturity have made a HUGE difference. HTH

+100

The Self Driven Child gives great advice. I did a version of this with my kid and his grades and effort really improved.

OP, it sounds like screens aren’t the issue here! Huge win. Keep up the great work and when he gets to 16, prompt him to develop a plan for independence. He will need a job and to start paying rent of continues to live at home. How does he intend to do that?

DP. I want to read the Self-Driven Child but I am kind of burned out on all the “gee whiz brain science” stuff that turns out to be based on crappy psychology research (eg “growth mindset.”) From the blurbs I’ve read it seems heavily geared towards kids who are already achieving. What did you find helpful about it?

It’s definitely not geared towards high achievers. More like the OP kid. Smart but hate school.

What I took from it is that not very kid is going to respond to helicopter parenting and for some it makes things so much worse.

[Anonymous]

Op, he sounds bright but deeply ADHD Inattentive to me. At what age was he evaluated as level 1 autism? Is a re-assessment warranted? He sounds just like my brother who has an extremely well paying job in the computer industry. Do whatever you can to feed his interests at school and home. He sounds like a self learner. He may be more interested in school when he realizes that college is more freedom and more interesting things to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've posted before about the advice our prescribing psychiatrist gave me about my DS who sounds similar to yours: Focus on getting your DS through HS without depression and without a substance abuse issue. Everything else can be fixed after that.

That advice was a game changer for me. It didn't mean I had no expectations or goals for DS. It WAS the goal. Getting thru HS meant graduating with a regular diploma. So, I focused on that. I stopped thinking of grades and 'after HS'.

Instead, I focused on 'effort' as reflected by the number of assignments completed and turned in on time. I communicated this to all of DS's teachers every year. It was the only IEP goal I cared about. I tied it to privileges - outstanding assignments? No screen time/cell phone for you. I reviewed the school's online SW every evening with DS and on Sundays we reviewed what was coming up the next week. I did NOT restrict sports at all. There are a lot of benefits of sports (all rec league).

Did I enjoy this? Not at all. But, the goal was met. DS is now 20 and has gotten his shlt together. He found a passion and is now willing to do things he has no interest in because he recognizes he has to do them to get where he wants to be. Time and maturity have made a HUGE difference. HTH

You sound like an amazing mom and you got stellar advice.

Agree. Thanks for sharing psychiatrist's advice above. I have been struggling with a sad (but not depressed) child who was sad in 8th grade because his middle school was a mess and couldn't do much tracking for equity reasons. So he was bored in classes that were too easy.

My recommendation is to try to get your son either into the robotics team if your school has it OR enroll him in some classes at a makerspace. Something that will be different from regular classes - more hands on and connected to work with the coding he enjoys.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a great kid and you sound like a great mom. Please don't let yourself be so frustrated by this situation. Try to be pragmatic about it, some PPs have given you great advice, reflect on it and choose what you think will work best for your child and your family.

[Anonymous]

Why was he skipping PE? He didn't want to change into PE clothes? Doesn't like exercising? Was anyone bothering him? If he is so miserable in PE, I would try to get him out of it.