Teen not interested in school

[Anonymous]

The book The Teenage Liberation Handbook was recommended to me on this forum years ago and it really opened my eyes to look beyond traditional education options for my similar kid, and let go of my expectations for him. Like you, I am very invested in higher education and it has done well by me. But it wasn’t the right path for my kid. At least not at that age. It’s an older book but it helped me look outside the box.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have been reading the responses and thinking about them. I really appreciate the advice.
I agree the D’s are fine, but I’m not sure how to get him there. He didn’t get any credit first semester, and he’s on track not to get any credits his freshman year. He’s had tutors and things in the past when we were homeschooling, but they were overall less effective than I was at getting him to do things he doesn’t want to do.
I agree that he’s a nice kid. He’s definitely a different kid, though. He has no friends outside of his siblings, and he basically never has.
I did put in an application for military school. Maybe they can get him through high school. And maybe he could make friends?

OP, no. You haven't seen him respond to consequences at home or school, so having someone be meaner/stricter is not the answer. He won't make friends; he'll likely be bullied by students and staff. If you want to pursue a residential placement, look for a school for kids with autism, ADHD, or LD at least. When was his last evaluation? If you can afford it, I agree that a neuropsych might be helpful.

Does he learn and follow through with things that he initiates? If you let him self direct his education, what would he do? It might be easier to homeschool again; what are your state requirements for graduating? In my state I get to decide, so my kid works at his level academically (about 6th grade level for a 9th grader) and I'm going to gradually weave in some volunteer/vocational stuff. We're also starting to lots of life skills: cooking, yard work, shopping, etc.

What if you get him through high school focusing on very basic academics and whatever else he wants to study (coding?) and building life skills like working a simple job and living independently. He can always go to community college or get vocational training later. I think homeschooling or maybe a private school would be a better fit than public school.

[Anonymous]

Just throwing this out there. My daughter had terrible motivation problems freshman year. Terrible. She cared about nothing. Couldn’t complete assignments and claimed she cared not about attending college.
All this changed when we weaned her off Sertraline. I have since read two message board comments where the person referenced either “feeling completely flat” or experiencing “apathy” (their words) on Sertraline.

Just mentioning it in case he is on that particular drug. I would also consider whether any of his medications in general might be contributing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like military school would make him the most miserable.

I think military school would backfire spectacularly with a kid like this. It's probably moot though, because I don't think they would accept a child with failing grades and an autism diagnosis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would read up on Pathological Demand Avoidance.

Maybe think about a Sudbury School?

DP. Since her son is basically unschooling himself, a place like Sudbury may make sense. I think the goal sounds like it’s to keep him from failing highschool. Going back to homeschooling but more on an unschooling model might help too, but with tutors instead of OP doing it.

I’m not familiar with Sudbury. I will look at it.
I’ve thought about homeschooling again, but I’m not sure if I have it in me.

Sudbury is a type of school. There is Fairhaven School in PG County, and I believe there's also a Sudbury school in Baltimore. There may be others in the DMV but I'm not aware of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why was he skipping PE? He didn't want to change into PE clothes? Doesn't like exercising? Was anyone bothering him? If he is so miserable in PE, I would try to get him out of it.

He doesn’t have to change for PE, and he doesn’t even have to participate in whatever they are doing. He can just walk laps if he prefers.
I think he doesn’t like going because there is no way for him to sneak a book in. He spends most of his class time reading or listening to podcasts if he can get away with having his headphones on. I know that he does do his science labs, but I’m not sure what else.

So, instead of going to PE, he goes over to the library and reads. If someone tells him that he doesn’t have study hall and is supposed to be in PE (multiple teachers and aides have his schedule), he politely says that he was confused (he wasn’t) and goes to PE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The book The Teenage Liberation Handbook was recommended to me on this forum years ago and it really opened my eyes to look beyond traditional education options for my similar kid, and let go of my expectations for him. Like you, I am very invested in higher education and it has done well by me. But it wasn’t the right path for my kid. At least not at that age. It’s an older book but it helped me look outside the box.

Thank you. I will take a look at it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have been reading the responses and thinking about them. I really appreciate the advice.
I agree the D’s are fine, but I’m not sure how to get him there. He didn’t get any credit first semester, and he’s on track not to get any credits his freshman year. He’s had tutors and things in the past when we were homeschooling, but they were overall less effective than I was at getting him to do things he doesn’t want to do.
I agree that he’s a nice kid. He’s definitely a different kid, though. He has no friends outside of his siblings, and he basically never has.
I did put in an application for military school. Maybe they can get him through high school. And maybe he could make friends?


Np I think military school would be a big mistake for your kid. He isn't going to magically make friends just because he is away from you.

What does he like to do? Matbe just convince him to graduate h.s and then he can figure out what he wants to do? Cooking? Maybe culinary school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why was he skipping PE? He didn't want to change into PE clothes? Doesn't like exercising? Was anyone bothering him? If he is so miserable in PE, I would try to get him out of it.

He doesn’t have to change for PE, and he doesn’t even have to participate in whatever they are doing. He can just walk laps if he prefers.
I think he doesn’t like going because there is no way for him to sneak a book in. He spends most of his class time reading or listening to podcasts if he can get away with having his headphones on. I know that he does do his science labs, but I’m not sure what else.

So, instead of going to PE, he goes over to the library and reads. If someone tells him that he doesn’t have study hall and is supposed to be in PE (multiple teachers and aides have his schedule), he politely says that he was confused (he wasn’t) and goes to PE.

What a great kid. I really empathize with your situation. He has so much potential but society expects him to have this thing called a high school degree which you'd think should be really easy for him to obtain but has not been. Can you afford a private with a more specialized curriculum or can you move elsewhere to a school district that offers more flexibility? If I were in your shoes I'd have him repeat 9th at a different school.

[Anonymous]

The New School or GW School in Fairfax are worth exploring. Way more flexibility and autonomy for students.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why was he skipping PE? He didn't want to change into PE clothes? Doesn't like exercising? Was anyone bothering him? If he is so miserable in PE, I would try to get him out of it.

He doesn’t have to change for PE, and he doesn’t even have to participate in whatever they are doing. He can just walk laps if he prefers.
I think he doesn’t like going because there is no way for him to sneak a book in. He spends most of his class time reading or listening to podcasts if he can get away with having his headphones on. I know that he does do his science labs, but I’m not sure what else.

So, instead of going to PE, he goes over to the library and reads. If someone tells him that he doesn’t have study hall and is supposed to be in PE (multiple teachers and aides have his schedule), he politely says that he was confused (he wasn’t) and goes to PE.

I mean, the more you post the more I think this kid was built for homeschooling, but like a self-directed, unschooly version for a lot of it.

[Anonymous]

We have similar kids except mine is older. It’s amazing how similar they are. We looked into military school seriously in his 9th grade school when he was refusing to go to public and not doing anything when he was there. Like yours, he’s bright and saw no value in the public school.

We ended up having him finish HS in a virtual private. He could work at his own pace at home and this was better. Look into that option, since your son already has a social skills group and mountain biking club.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like military school would make him the most miserable.

I think military school would backfire spectacularly with a kid like this. It's probably moot though, because I don't think they would accept a child with failing grades and an autism diagnosis.

I have a similar kid who is a freshman (no autism diagnosis but ADHD and very severely inattentive). I toyed with the idea of military school but think he would be convinced we shipped him away because we didn’t love him, not because we were trying to help.

With his psychologist, we’ve come to an understanding that school will never be his thing but he has to get through it. We don’t expect him to get As and be a superstar, we only expect him to graduate without getting into any trouble. He’s a good kid and has never had disciplinary problems but it’s still a struggle some days to get him to school. He does seem to have a better attitude about it now that we’re all clear there is no expectation that he has high grades, only that he graduates. He currently has an A, a C and mostly Bs, which I’m thrilled with given the circumstances.

We’re also telling him he doesn’t have to go to college and we are not going to pay for it if he’s going to skip classes. We’ve got some time to figure that out. I am hoping he matured in the next few years but I would also him doing really well in a trade and then owning his own business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why was he skipping PE? He didn't want to change into PE clothes? Doesn't like exercising? Was anyone bothering him? If he is so miserable in PE, I would try to get him out of it.

He doesn’t have to change for PE, and he doesn’t even have to participate in whatever they are doing. He can just walk laps if he prefers.
I think he doesn’t like going because there is no way for him to sneak a book in. He spends most of his class time reading or listening to podcasts if he can get away with having his headphones on. I know that he does do his science labs, but I’m not sure what else.

So, instead of going to PE, he goes over to the library and reads. If someone tells him that he doesn’t have study hall and is supposed to be in PE (multiple teachers and aides have his schedule), he politely says that he was confused (he wasn’t) and goes to PE.

What a great kid. I really empathize with your situation. He has so much potential but society expects him to have this thing called a high school degree which you'd think should be really easy for him to obtain but has not been. Can you afford a private with a more specialized curriculum or can you move elsewhere to a school district that offers more flexibility? If I were in your shoes I'd have him repeat 9th at a different school.

I’m PP and will add that my kid is in private school. I do think it helps being in a smaller environment. He doesn’t appreciate how great his school is and how much more fun they incorporate into their daily schedule vs. public school. He still hates school, although he would never be able to skip a class and I think the environment is small enough that he wouldn’t even consider it.

I think private school can help kids like this, but it’s not going to make OP’s son suddenly enjoy school or become a motivated student. It’s also disheartening to think about how much tuition costs and hear your kid complain about it every day. If the tuition isn’t a strain, I would suggest it. If it is, I would consider online school as an alternative.

[Anonymous]

I agree military school would likely backfire and be disastrous for this child. Please reconsider, OP.

I agree about Parkmont and GW Community School. Would also look at Howard Gardner, The Sycamore School, New School, and Commonwealth Academy. You need a place that is equipped for addressing school refusal and nurturing your child’s strengths, seeing them for who they are but also pushing them to reach their potential. A traditional school environment is clearly not the right place for this kid.