endless parade of tragedy

[Anonymous]

How do you adjust to the time in your life, when your parents and your friend's parents start dying off at pace, and your family and friends get cancer, and all that?

[Anonymous]

By accepting the natural order of things and not thinking of death of elders as tragedy.

Children with cancer are a tragedy; people in midlife and beyond with cancer are the natural order of things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By accepting the natural order of things and not thinking of death of elders as tragedy.

Children with cancer are a tragedy; people in midlife and beyond with cancer are the natural order of things.

This. 100% this.

[Anonymous]

PP doesn't quite get it. The suffering comes mainly from:

1. Minor children left without a parent. I've known several in our community whose parent died from cancer. It triggers lifelong trauma. This is what midlife cancer means.

2. The mental and physical burden of caregiving when everyone around you is seriously ill. It's not that everyone has to die someday. It's that when the caregiver is you, it's very, very difficult to manage.

[Anonymous]

Meditation has helped a lot.

I am not woo, and I have never successfully emptied my mind, but I have managed to observe my thoughts and reactions a little bit better, which helps more than expected. The sorrow is still there, but there’s a bit more…equanimity, I guess?… about all of it. The 10% happier app is pretty good place to start.

Reading helps. Big, classic works — they’ve lasted for a reason. Or beautifully written books, which can help the world feel bigger, and richer, even in the face of tragedy.

Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl helped me at a hard time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP doesn't quite get it. The suffering comes mainly from:

1. Minor children left without a parent. I've known several in our community whose parent died from cancer. It triggers lifelong trauma. This is what midlife cancer means.

2. The mental and physical burden of caregiving when everyone around you is seriously ill. It's not that everyone has to die someday. It's that when the caregiver is you, it's very, very difficult to manage.

Actually, I DO quite get it. I spent 8 years as a professional caregiver, and a few more caregiving for dying relatives. I lost two aunts in their 40s and 50s from cancer, one of my dearest friends at 60, and a number of friends from cancer, suicide, accidentally flying into the side of a mountain, etc. They all orphaned their kids and grandkids.

Death is part of life. Caring for dying family and friends is part of life. Helping orphans pick up the pieces is part of life.

Expecting a charmed life where everyone you love lives into their 90s in great health and then dies peacefully in their sleep is a sure fire recipe for emotional misery, because just about nobody gets that life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By accepting the natural order of things and not thinking of death of elders as tragedy.

Children with cancer are a tragedy; people in midlife and beyond with cancer are the natural order of things.

Either you are cold as ice or just have not lived through this yet.

Often these are vital people, hit out of the blue with terror and pain that you have to watch as they decline.

We are not talking about some folk song lyrics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By accepting the natural order of things and not thinking of death of elders as tragedy.

Children with cancer are a tragedy; people in midlife and beyond with cancer are the natural order of things.

This. 100% this.

+20000

A child losing their parent is a tragedy. A middle aged adult losing a parent is the natural cycle of life. You appreciate the time you have with your older loved ones, and be kind to those going through the process now - not just emotional, but in the logistics of it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By accepting the natural order of things and not thinking of death of elders as tragedy.

Children with cancer are a tragedy; people in midlife and beyond with cancer are the natural order of things.

Either you are cold as ice or just have not lived through this yet.

Often these are vital people, hit out of the blue with terror and pain that you have to watch as they decline.

We are not talking about some folk song lyrics.

DP. Totally the opposite. I lost both my parents by the time I was 32. I've been through it and know exactly what it's like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By accepting the natural order of things and not thinking of death of elders as tragedy.

Children with cancer are a tragedy; people in midlife and beyond with cancer are the natural order of things.

Either you are cold as ice or just have not lived through this yet.

Often these are vital people, hit out of the blue with terror and pain that you have to watch as they decline.

We are not talking about some folk song lyrics.

I guess you can't read, as I have just posted about the many early deaths I have suffered among family and friends. And I have spent a decade of my life as a hospice caregiver so there isn't anything YOU can tell me about helping people cope with impending death at any age.

[Anonymous]

We as a society need to flip the switch on how we view death and dying. Yes it’s horribly sad but it’s also the natural order of things. We are all born and we’re all going to die- those are the only things every single person walking this earth has in common with each other. I wish our society would focus on the quality of life over longevity. Maybe we shouldn’t treat every terminal illness aggressively.

I’m convinced that my dad, who died of metastatic lung cancer, would have had a much better end of life experience if he’d just let things progress instead of trying every treatment out there (all which kept him very sick his last two years of life). He was two years from diagnosis to death and I doubt any of the treatments prolonged anything.

[Anonymous]

I definitely appreciate every day more with my kids knowing it’s a gift. I try to express my gratitude to my elders before they pass for all they gave me as I was growing up that I didn’t appreciate then. Basically I grew up, and became the person that they had been for me. You learn to let go of what you can’t control. You realize instead how much just showing up counts. You try to live your life without regrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP doesn't quite get it. The suffering comes mainly from:

1. Minor children left without a parent. I've known several in our community whose parent died from cancer. It triggers lifelong trauma. This is what midlife cancer means.

2. The mental and physical burden of caregiving when everyone around you is seriously ill. It's not that everyone has to die someday. It's that when the caregiver is you, it's very, very difficult to manage.

Actually, I DO quite get it. I spent 8 years as a professional caregiver, and a few more caregiving for dying relatives. I lost two aunts in their 40s and 50s from cancer, one of my dearest friends at 60, and a number of friends from cancer, suicide, accidentally flying into the side of a mountain, etc. They all orphaned their kids and grandkids.

Death is part of life. Caring for dying family and friends is part of life. Helping orphans pick up the pieces is part of life.

Expecting a charmed life where everyone you love lives into their 90s in great health and then dies peacefully in their sleep is a sure fire recipe for emotional misery, because just about nobody gets that life.

Professional caregiving doesn't count, PP. You're paid to do a job, and you get to go home after your shift and not think about it. Like social workers, EMTs, doctors and nurses, who can all on the front lines of pain and suffering.

Unless you've personally picked up the pieces for a child who has lost a parent, or you personally gave much of your healthy and able years caring for a loved one (elderly or not, could be a disabled child or spouse)... you don't get it.

Yes, old people tend to die. I don't think OP is disputing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP doesn't quite get it. The suffering comes mainly from:

1. Minor children left without a parent. I've known several in our community whose parent died from cancer. It triggers lifelong trauma. This is what midlife cancer means.

2. The mental and physical burden of caregiving when everyone around you is seriously ill. It's not that everyone has to die someday. It's that when the caregiver is you, it's very, very difficult to manage.

Actually, I DO quite get it. I spent 8 years as a professional caregiver, and a few more caregiving for dying relatives. I lost two aunts in their 40s and 50s from cancer, one of my dearest friends at 60, and a number of friends from cancer, suicide, accidentally flying into the side of a mountain, etc. They all orphaned their kids and grandkids.

Death is part of life. Caring for dying family and friends is part of life. Helping orphans pick up the pieces is part of life.

Expecting a charmed life where everyone you love lives into their 90s in great health and then dies peacefully in their sleep is a sure fire recipe for emotional misery, because just about nobody gets that life.

Professional caregiving doesn't count, PP. You're paid to do a job, and you get to go home after your shift and not think about it. Like social workers, EMTs, doctors and nurses, who can all on the front lines of pain and suffering.

Unless you've personally picked up the pieces for a child who has lost a parent, or you personally gave much of your healthy and able years caring for a loved one (elderly or not, could be a disabled child or spouse)... you don't get it.

Yes, old people tend to die. I don't think OP is disputing that.

You are a callous person if you think hospice caregivers shut off their feelings and don’t become invested in their patients and the families of those patients. I’m still very close with many of the families whose loved ones I helped to transition. Caregivers who do it for wages suffer vicarious trauma and grief just like family members.

And AGAIN, I have lost many very dear loved ones at early ages to cancer and other illnesses and tragic events. I HAVE lived this, over and over and over again since I was 12 years old.

Death is part of life. Grief is part of life. Cry and wail about it being tragedy all day long if you like, it is just evidence of your mental instability. Learning to let go is the primary lesson of life and clearly you ain’t figured that out yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By accepting the natural order of things and not thinking of death of elders as tragedy.

Children with cancer are a tragedy; people in midlife and beyond with cancer are the natural order of things.

Either you are cold as ice or just have not lived through this yet.

Often these are vital people, hit out of the blue with terror and pain that you have to watch as they decline.

We are not talking about some folk song lyrics.

I guess you can't read, as I have just posted about the many early deaths I have suffered among family and friends. And I have spent a decade of my life as a hospice caregiver so there isn't anything YOU can tell me about helping people cope with impending death at any age.

Then maybe you should think about whether you're inured, and accept that to most other people it's a new and unwelcome feeling?
Perhaps you can bring yourself to understand that different people have various coping capacities, and that if you're a hospice worker, you might have much better coping skills than other people? Maybe it's a difference you were born with, that life circumstances and career choices made you cultivate further?

My husband worked as a emergency doctor for a while. He's on the autism spectrum, doesn't let feelings get in the way of life-saving actions, and was eminently suited to the role because he can stay cool under pressure. He is not like most people. Maybe YOU are not like most people.

Get it?