endless parade of tragedy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By accepting the natural order of things and not thinking of death of elders as tragedy.

Children with cancer are a tragedy; people in midlife and beyond with cancer are the natural order of things.

Either you are cold as ice or just have not lived through this yet.

Often these are vital people, hit out of the blue with terror and pain that you have to watch as they decline.

We are not talking about some folk song lyrics.

I guess you can't read, as I have just posted about the many early deaths I have suffered among family and friends. And I have spent a decade of my life as a hospice caregiver so there isn't anything YOU can tell me about helping people cope with impending death at any age.

That explains it to me. Hospice caregivers are some of the coldest people I’ve ever met.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP doesn't quite get it. The suffering comes mainly from:

1. Minor children left without a parent. I've known several in our community whose parent died from cancer. It triggers lifelong trauma. This is what midlife cancer means.

2. The mental and physical burden of caregiving when everyone around you is seriously ill. It's not that everyone has to die someday. It's that when the caregiver is you, it's very, very difficult to manage.

Actually, I DO quite get it. I spent 8 years as a professional caregiver, and a few more caregiving for dying relatives. I lost two aunts in their 40s and 50s from cancer, one of my dearest friends at 60, and a number of friends from cancer, suicide, accidentally flying into the side of a mountain, etc. They all orphaned their kids and grandkids.

Death is part of life. Caring for dying family and friends is part of life. Helping orphans pick up the pieces is part of life.

Expecting a charmed life where everyone you love lives into their 90s in great health and then dies peacefully in their sleep is a sure fire recipe for emotional misery, because just about nobody gets that life.

Professional caregiving doesn't count, PP. You're paid to do a job, and you get to go home after your shift and not think about it. Like social workers, EMTs, doctors and nurses, who can all on the front lines of pain and suffering.

Unless you've personally picked up the pieces for a child who has lost a parent, or you personally gave much of your healthy and able years caring for a loved one (elderly or not, could be a disabled child or spouse)... you don't get it.

Yes, old people tend to die. I don't think OP is disputing that.

You are a callous person if you think hospice caregivers shut off their feelings and don’t become invested in their patients and the families of those patients. I’m still very close with many of the families whose loved ones I helped to transition. Caregivers who do it for wages suffer vicarious trauma and grief just like family members.

And AGAIN, I have lost many very dear loved ones at early ages to cancer and other illnesses and tragic events. I HAVE lived this, over and over and over again since I was 12 years old.

Death is part of life. Grief is part of life. Cry and wail about it being tragedy all day long if you like, it is just evidence of your mental instability. Learning to let go is the primary lesson of life and clearly you ain’t figured that out yet.

And there is the same abuse I suffered at the hands of hospice workers when trying to help my aunt.

[Anonymous]

Middle 50's are when people start dropping like flies. It makes your head spin when you realize that you are approaching the end of life. Your sisters/brothers, parents, friends starting losing their health and their lives and it still matters.
It doesn't matter that they are aged, they still matter so it feels tragic.

Hospice workers, God bless you, but you are paid to assist the dying who are strangers to you. You feel no loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By accepting the natural order of things and not thinking of death of elders as tragedy.

Children with cancer are a tragedy; people in midlife and beyond with cancer are the natural order of things.

Either you are cold as ice or just have not lived through this yet.

Often these are vital people, hit out of the blue with terror and pain that you have to watch as they decline.

We are not talking about some folk song lyrics.

I guess you can't read, as I have just posted about the many early deaths I have suffered among family and friends. And I have spent a decade of my life as a hospice caregiver so there isn't anything YOU can tell me about helping people cope with impending death at any age.

DP. Maybe you need a break from caregiving. You sound burned out.

Thank you for caring. I'm done with hospice caregiving for the time being, and am now working with kindergartners and 1st graders - much more joy and hopefulness involved!

NP. Good. It turned you into someone I would not have wanted to help me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Middle 50's are when people start dropping like flies. It makes your head spin when you realize that you are approaching the end of life. Your sisters/brothers, parents, friends starting losing their health and their lives and it still matters.
It doesn't matter that they are aged, they still matter so it feels tragic.

Hospice workers, God bless you, but you are paid to assist the dying who are strangers to you. You feel no loss.

Mid-fifties? That’s still young for “dropping like flies” or “approaching the end of your life.” Young people die prematurely, it happens all the time but it’s not the norm. Cancer can strike at any age; anecdotally, people seem to be diagnosed younger and younger.

My mom started to lose friends in her 60s, and it definitely increased into the 70s.

[Anonymous]

OP, it’s the hardest thing! I’ve been three years into this and I barely have time to come up for air before something else happens. Since just December, there have been two new cancer diagnoses among friends, mother’s worsening and my own health starting to go down the tubes, probably from stress. Lost my Dad over the summer, my mother hit by car the same day. Just been horrid. I’m currently being evaluated for a soft, movable, mass on the side of my knee and while I’ve been reassured by feel that it’s 99.9% benign by a derm, my GP put sarcoma in my head and now I’m spinning until imaging. (Derm is not happy with her at all). There is literally NO time to breathe and when that happens, we all start to collapse inside. I get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry you're hurting. I'm also in the stage of life where these things are surfacing frequently, so I get it.

I think what people are quibbling with, though, is probably use of the word "tragedy." Speaking as someone who's been through it (both parents gone by the time I was 30, plus losing several other, younger relatives to cancer), I also just view it as life.

If a younger person dying of cancer isn’t a tragedy then what is? Viewed through that lens, is not every death a part of life and every bad thing that happens? Do we need the word ‘tragedy’ at all by your measure?

If this is OP, your initial post references parents and friends' parents, rather than specifically mentioning younger people. Hence some of the responses you've gotten.

this was me (not op) and op's post said 'your family and friends get cancer, and all that?'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People do get sick and die in middle age for random reasons that medicine doesn’t understand or can address in order to ensure health and survival. It’s part of life. I’m one of those people- 41- and I have faulty genes (diagnosed) that mean I can’t do what other people my age do and stay healthy. It remains to be seen if I will live into my 70s or 80s, but based on my 40s, I’m not expecting to.

Learn to accept that American culture sells us all a bill of goods that simple lifestyle choices will insure good health and longevity. It’s that false marketing premise that is causing you trauma, not reality.

this is so true.
the entire wellness industry is predicated on giving you a level of control and agency over something that is largely determined by genes and whether you catch it early on a scan or blood test.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By accepting the natural order of things and not thinking of death of elders as tragedy.

Children with cancer are a tragedy; people in midlife and beyond with cancer are the natural order of things.

This. 100% this.

Agree.

Don’t catastrophize it all and don’t be a drama queen. Manage your grief in private. You really don’t need other people to grieve with you. It’s a nice thing to have but not necessarily to cope.

NP. FU PP. Go away.