Jen Hatmaker

[Anonymous]

NEW GROUP TEXT SAVED RIDEORDIE V3
Hey Nanci and Kimberlee!

Surprise, tt's me, Jane, from the wine aisle down at the BEWDA HEB yesterday. Nance, remember we started talking after our eyes met when we both reached for the same bottle of Hard Chard and then I INSISTED we exchange numbers right then and there?!  

Well HERE I AM?!

Kimber, you were a little harder to track down, especially since you kept trying to inch further away after insisting you were just there to grab a bottle of champagne for somebody's birthday party <wink emoji wink emoji wink emoji> but you learned pretty quickly that I have one hell of a grip for a skinny girl who porch drinks. Besides, MY TEAM has SKILLZ equal to a hunting hound and it looks like you and Ashelee's SIL are friends on Facebook, so...ANYWAY. 

I've decided you're all going to be my RIDE OR DIES and I won't take no for an answer.
HERE WE ALL ARE! PRESH!

Someone named Ashlee - or it might be Ashli or Ashley - I have SO MANY people working for me it is sometimes hard to count them all - will be reaching out to you to confirm that you're my new friends from HEB, so just say yes and go ahead and sign the doc called "friend agreement". No need to read through all the boring legal blah blah, it's just to protect me because of CELEBRITY STATUS then we can get on with THE SHENANIGANS. 

Tra la la!

I've made Brunch REZZIES and MY TEAM will be sending you an advance list of approved discussion topics as well as a list of prohibited subjects, like who really bought my ADORBS woodland green Kitchen-Aid. Ahem. 

By the way, only I, Jane Capstitcher, can say "REZZIES." Everyone else has to call them plain old reservations or just refer to them as "brunch plans." #specialsnowflake

There will be a line item in there about "Jane would love your input" but just ignore that. Part of the wonder and glory of being one of my new RIDE OR DIES is never having to lead a conversation unless it starts with a compliment about how AH-MAY-ZING I look and an immediate request for a link to buy what I'm wearing. 

Brunch will be NEXT LEVEL. We'll order ALL THE THINGZ and I'll photograph our spoons together and then eat half a strawberry washed down with seven mimosa. More for you gals - and trust me, I envy how you NON-CELEBS don't have to worry about your figures.

I know you can't wait. 

[Anonymous]

"Part of the wonder and glory of being one of my new RIDE OR DIES is never having to lead a conversation unless it starts with a compliment about how AH-MAY-ZING I look and an immediate request for a link to buy what I'm wearing.".........OMG! And I'm sure there's a list of approved ways to react to the pearls of wisdom Jane imparts......

[Anonymous]

I do not understand the pageantry behind women our age picking their grandma names. Sure, it's something that you figure out but I guess only when you're Jen Hatmaker does it become a "reveal."

Way to make it about you Jen

[Anonymous]

Jane Capstitcher----Thank you for another AH-MAAAY-ZING post!

[Anonymous]

“J”? You’re not picking a stripper name, Sis.

[Anonymous]

Omg Gavin chimed in and she still shot him down. Doesn’t he know by now: she’s the main character even in his biggest milestone in life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Omg Gavin chimed in and she still shot him down. Doesn’t he know by now: she’s the main character even in his biggest milestone in life?

Do tell. 🍿

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Omg Gavin chimed in and she still shot him down. Doesn’t he know by now: she’s the main character even in his biggest milestone in life?

Do tell. 🍿

Gavin responded that J is for her brother, Aunt J is for her nephews, Grandma J should be for her grandson.

Her reply ended with “this is above your station”.

Personally, I HATE the trend of grandparents insisting they be called something. It’s so much cuter (and more meaningful) when kids make their own sounds and nicknames.
If I were Gavin, I would just always call her Grandma J - and the kid will repeat it. Y’all know she’s not stopping her travels to stay near that child….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Omg Gavin chimed in and she still shot him down. Doesn’t he know by now: she’s the main character even in his biggest milestone in life?

Do tell. 🍿

Gavin responded that J is for her brother, Aunt J is for her nephews, Grandma J should be for her grandson.

Her reply ended with “this is above your station”.

Personally, I HATE the trend of grandparents insisting they be called something. It’s so much cuter (and more meaningful) when kids make their own sounds and nicknames.
If I were Gavin, I would just always call her Grandma J - and the kid will repeat it. Y’all know she’s not stopping her travels to stay near that child….

It must be so tiring to be in her family

[Anonymous]

Hi Nanci and Kimberlee

My name is Ashlee Tovar and I'm Jane's lead assistant. I'll be onboarding you as one of her new friend groups and will be here to support you throughout this...um...magical process as you move further toward Jane's inner circles. Yes, the plural is intentional. There are several inner circles and several friend groups. More on that in a minute. .

The attached contract has been prepared for your digital signature and I'll keep it on file here at...um...Jane Capsticher World HQ. She makes me say that. I go to Texas State and I work out of an apartment I share with four other girls in downtown San Marcos, but if she ever mentions the World HQ thing, I recommend you just smile and nod. She'll move on to another topic quickly.

Also be advised that Jane has shortened your names to "Nance" and "Kimber" so I hope that's OK. If not, oh well, LOL. .

Here are the Cliff Notes versions so I'll just...um...jump on in. (Oh boy.)

.There's a long list of prohibited topics (pls refer to Addendum A) but in general, she doesn't like you to ask when the last time Trevor called her was, when the last time Trevor came to see her, who pays for the hotel when Jane and Trevor go to NYC, and so on. Basically, any question that pertains to Trevor's level of effort is off-limits. Also, you have to follow Trevor on Facebook and Instagram, purchase his...um...best-selling books, and heart every comment that he makes on Jane's social media posts - don't worry, there aren't that many. And, you don't have to read his books, just have them on hand. The main talking points are that Trevor is a black man and that Cancer is his personality. You're welcome

Pictures with Jane: There will be pictures at every in-person meetup with Jane, which includes FT calls. The ultimate goal here is for Jane to be in the centermost, featured, or most flattering position, so don't stick her on the end, in a shadow, and stand slightly behind her, unless she asks you to do otherwise. She's got a known issue with...um...cameltoe, so sometimes she'll ask you to help her camouflage that although she can usually take care of that herself with one her her um...amazing bags from Shillable. BTW, one of the perks of being part of one of Jane's Ride or Die groups is that you get a shot at her castoff bags from Shillable. Distribution happens more often than you think since those bags aren't very well made. Um...don't say I said that, k?

.Jane prefers her friends to rock the no-makeup look and if you have to wear lipstick, please no bright shades that might draw attention from she-who-must-not-be-named. Unless otherwise specified, jeans and sweatshirts (not fitted) are fine for meetups. 

.Per the signed agreement, Jane or one of her team, is authorized to turn screenshots of your texts or awkward grabs of your FT call showing your nose hairs into content. Privacy Schmivacy..

While there's no enforced requirement for you to discuss...um...vajingles or vibrators or seggsologists with Jane, be OK with her repeatedly insisting that those are amongst the most-discussed topic when it's um...just you girlies...together. And, if she starts in on any sort of de lulu-ass descriptions of what she and Trevor get up to in the bedroom, then just try not to listen or use some breathing exercises or something to block it out. <fistbump emoji fistbump emoji fistbump emoji> #solidarity #hegay . 

Make yourself available for command performances at the following events:-
MECAMP - this year's location is somewhere called Drooble Heights. Do any of you by chance have a concealed carry permit?
MECRUISE w/ an optional River Cruise - You might be able to get out of the River Cruise because Ashli and I have told Jane that unless she includes airfare to Belgium, or wherever TF, it's hard for ppl to participate but you're not going to to be able to work out of the Caribbean one easily because airfares is pretty affordable to Miami, at least that's what Jane says. Those things are about as fun as having your annual pap smear but, again, breathing exercises may be helpful

.- Any book events for Jane or Trevor within a 150-mile of Austin Metro Area. Same applies if - heaven forbid - any of her spawn should decide to publish a book. Unless it's a tell-all. I'm not sure about that so best not to mention unless it comes up

.You are in "Experimental Friend Group B." There are two established friend groups, and various experimental groups will cycle through so we can see how they gel with HERSELF (UM AKA determine your levels of self-esteem, free time, and tolerance for living on the fringes of someone else's la la land) so that's where we are now.

.You'll be receiving a "Friend Group Starter Pack" in a separate email, which contains a five percent discount code for apparel items in the Jane Capstitcher Online Store and a link to sign up for the Book Club.

 .Give me a shout if you need anything or if you just need someone to lend a friendly ear while you rage scream into a throw pillow. Welcome on board.
Chow.Ashlee

[Anonymous]

I don’t care what her grandma name is, I just hope she keeps that camera out of his face. Her kids grew up with this crap, hopefully they will set boundaries but they may not be able too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Omg Gavin chimed in and she still shot him down. Doesn’t he know by now: she’s the main character even in his biggest milestone in life?

Do tell. 🍿

Gavin responded that J is for her brother, Aunt J is for her nephews, Grandma J should be for her grandson.

Her reply ended with “this is above your station”.

Personally, I HATE the trend of grandparents insisting they be called something. It’s so much cuter (and more meaningful) when kids make their own sounds and nicknames.
If I were Gavin, I would just always call her Grandma J - and the kid will repeat it. Y’all know she’s not stopping her travels to stay near that child….

I wish he’d say something nothing is above the station when I’m the PARENT and it’s MY child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Omg Gavin chimed in and she still shot him down. Doesn’t he know by now: she’s the main character even in his biggest milestone in life?

Do tell. 🍿

Gavin responded that J is for her brother, Aunt J is for her nephews, Grandma J should be for her grandson.

Her reply ended with “this is above your station”.

Personally, I HATE the trend of grandparents insisting they be called something. It’s so much cuter (and more meaningful) when kids make their own sounds and nicknames.
If I were Gavin, I would just always call her Grandma J - and the kid will repeat it. Y’all know she’s not stopping her travels to stay near that child….

Yeah, pretty much. Picking out a grandma name, and insisting that your grandchild and those in his life refer to you as it, as well as making sure the whole internet knows about is as about "main character syndrome" as you can get............my grandfather called my grandma "Sweetie" and my older cousins thought that was her name. She was henceforth called Grandma Sweetie for the next 4 decades and 2 generations. I think Jen is missing out, once again trying to manufacture an idealized version for the internet instead of just experiencing of what could just be authentic.

Jane, there are not words. Thank you for spelling this out so clearly. I'm sure Nancy and Kimberly really appreciate you nailing it down for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Omg Gavin chimed in and she still shot him down. Doesn’t he know by now: she’s the main character even in his biggest milestone in life?

Do tell. 🍿

Gavin responded that J is for her brother, Aunt J is for her nephews, Grandma J should be for her grandson.

Her reply ended with “this is above your station”.

Personally, I HATE the trend of grandparents insisting they be called something. It’s so much cuter (and more meaningful) when kids make their own sounds and nicknames.
If I were Gavin, I would just always call her Grandma J - and the kid will repeat it. Y’all know she’s not stopping her travels to stay near that child….

I wish he’d say something nothing is above the station when I’m the PARENT and it’s MY child.

We didn't have social media when my daughter was little and my mom had some bizarre "I'm the grandparent" ideas that I always pushed back on as much as I felt comfortable. I don't know if I'd have battled my mom on social media - maybe that was me not being able to set good adult relationship boundaries but I can def. relate to my mom doing weird grandma shit, including being obnoxious about her grandma name before that was even cool.

[Anonymous]

my grandfather called my grandma "Sweetie" and my older cousins thought that was her name. She was henceforth called Grandma Sweetie for the next 4 decades and 2 generations. I think Jen is missing out, once again trying to manufacture an idealized version for the internet instead of just experiencing of what could just be authentic.

I love these stories. And Jen wrote affectionately about her own grandparents in her previous books-I hope she lets the little guy take the lead and not force something like Glamma on him.