Are kids meaner these days?

[Anonymous]

Yes, I know that kids have been making other kids miserable since the dawn of time, but seeing and hearing about my HS DD's life makes me shiver.

It seems like everyone, independent of social status or clique, just seems to go after one and other for sport. DD is mild mannered, popular and typically kind, but freely admits that she's complicit in this type behavior on a regular basis. It's like they have nothing else to do but talk sh$t about each other nonstop, even their closest friends. And of course, with social media in the mix, they have endless opportunities and avenues to do so.

There have always been bullies and queen bees, but today's kids seem to be so much more aggressive and unapologetic about it. DD has a "if you can't beat them, join them" attitude which I find equally disturbing and yet also a survival skill. I know at the end of the day it weighs heavily on her and I just can't help but feel sad.

My teen years were no breeze, but so much of what's going on today truly makes my head spin. Has this been your experience?

[Anonymous]

My experience has been the opposite, that kids are nicer. My HS daughter is autistic and has not experienced the teasing or bullying that she would have in my school growing up.

Have you talked to your daughter about her role in the meanness?

[Anonymous]

If your daughter is mean “on a regular basis” she’s part of the problem. As long as she hurts other people she cannot be considered a kind person.

Empathy is missing from these type of kids. How else would they be able to make someone else miserable.

[Anonymous]

I think relational aggression among popular kids is as high as it ever was if not worse.

I think kids who are not in this group or even more so have any kind of noted difference that makes them not a fair target...not neurotypical, LGBTQ, or really just even a "loner", "weird", whatever the word is, those kids get left alone far more than they did in our day.

My take is some kids are still the same amount of mean and they have fewer "allowed" channels to be mean so they turn on more of a smaller group to unleash the mean.

[Anonymous]

Maybe on SM? Just read through DCUM. There are downright nasty people on here. There is a lot of hate and mean and nasty comments. I can imagine it’s the same with kids.

[Anonymous]

The kids seem as mean as they were in my day. No difference except the kids are quicker to recognize it and call it by its name, bullying. And the schools pay more attention. We were just told to do the "I'm rubber you're glue" nonsense that didn't work. Adults didn't try to sort out the problems by getting counselors involved or talk to all the kids.

[Anonymous]

Everyone is meaner. All ages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think relational aggression among popular kids is as high as it ever was if not worse.

I think kids who are not in this group or even more so have any kind of noted difference that makes them not a fair target...not neurotypical, LGBTQ, or really just even a "loner", "weird", whatever the word is, those kids get left alone far more than they did in our day.

My take is some kids are still the same amount of mean and they have fewer "allowed" channels to be mean so they turn on more of a smaller group to unleash the mean.

In other words, the popular kids have turned on themselves because they've gotten the message to leave vulnerable kids alone? If you're right, I don't have much sympathy for them, or the OP's daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I know that kids have been making other kids miserable since the dawn of time, but seeing and hearing about my HS DD's life makes me shiver.

It seems like everyone, independent of social status or clique, just seems to go after one and other for sport. DD is mild mannered, popular and typically kind, but freely admits that she's complicit in this type behavior on a regular basis. It's like they have nothing else to do but talk sh$t about each other nonstop, even their closest friends. And of course, with social media in the mix, they have endless opportunities and avenues to do so.

There have always been bullies and queen bees, but today's kids seem to be so much more aggressive and unapologetic about it. DD has a "if you can't beat them, join them" attitude which I find equally disturbing and yet also a survival skill. I know at the end of the day it weighs heavily on her and I just can't help but feel sad.

My teen years were no breeze, but so much of what's going on today truly makes my head spin. Has this been your experience?

So as a paradigm shift, your daughter is not kind. Definitely point it out to her. Not saying she won't end up being a kind person and this is not uncommon. But your daughter is kind. So you tell us what is going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I know that kids have been making other kids miserable since the dawn of time, but seeing and hearing about my HS DD's life makes me shiver.

It seems like everyone, independent of social status or clique, just seems to go after one and other for sport. DD is mild mannered, popular and typically kind, but freely admits that she's complicit in this type behavior on a regular basis. It's like they have nothing else to do but talk sh$t about each other nonstop, even their closest friends. And of course, with social media in the mix, they have endless opportunities and avenues to do so.

There have always been bullies and queen bees, but today's kids seem to be so much more aggressive and unapologetic about it. DD has a "if you can't beat them, join them" attitude which I find equally disturbing and yet also a survival skill. I know at the end of the day it weighs heavily on her and I just can't help but feel sad.

My teen years were no breeze, but so much of what's going on today truly makes my head spin. Has this been your experience?

So as a paradigm shift, your daughter is not kind. Definitely point it out to her. Not saying she won't end up being a kind person and this is not uncommon. But your daughter is NOT kind. So you tell us what is going on.

[Anonymous]

Yes. They ARE meaner. No one cares about anyone else. It’s me, me, me. How can I get ahead? How can I win? How can I look cool? How can I be popular? It’s brutal. There is zero empathy or willingness to help others. Both boys and girls are incredibly insecure and scared to death they’ll be targeted so they target others!

[Anonymous]

No way. I think the complete opposite. Kids are soooo nice now. There never are school fights the way I remember them (daily!). I saw a kid get killed and the ambulance definitely came regularly to our school. The violence now is normally one kid going berserk on everyone or the teacher and not two kids fighting. The things my kids talk about being "bullying" are just not in my mind. They're so minor compared to the straight up emotional abuse I saw at my high school.

[Anonymous]

I don’t see it among my kids. I watch my 7th graders text conversations and I don’t see any bullying. Maybe we are just lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think relational aggression among popular kids is as high as it ever was if not worse.

I think kids who are not in this group or even more so have any kind of noted difference that makes them not a fair target...not neurotypical, LGBTQ, or really just even a "loner", "weird", whatever the word is, those kids get left alone far more than they did in our day.

My take is some kids are still the same amount of mean and they have fewer "allowed" channels to be mean so they turn on more of a smaller group to unleash the mean.

In other words, the popular kids have turned on themselves because they've gotten the message to leave vulnerable kids alone? If you're right, I don't have much sympathy for them, or the OP's daughter.

This was described to me by my teenager and it kind of made sense to me. He was in the popular crowd (and I observed what he was experiencing) and was pretty miserable and slowly moved away and found a "nerdier" crowd and is much happier. They are nice to each other. I think there is an element in the popular crowd of always being aware of your place and feeling panicked to protect it too. So it only takes a couple mean kids to really get all the rest of them to participate in the dynamic even if they know better or it's not their genuine nature. Eat or be eaten. They want to be in the group so go along even if they're not having a very good time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. They ARE meaner. No one cares about anyone else. It’s me, me, me. How can I get ahead? How can I win? How can I look cool? How can I be popular? It’s brutal. There is zero empathy or willingness to help others. Both boys and girls are incredibly insecure and scared to death they’ll be targeted so they target others!

This is true if your kid buys in. A lot of them don't.