My MIL is forcing us to pay for my FIL's nursing home because she wants to stay in their house, their only asset

[Anonymous]

My mother-in-law has become physically very frail, to the point of hardly being able to get out of bed. She refuses to go to a nursing home. Moreover, until recently, she insisted on keeping my father-in-law at home. The reason for this was the generous payout that she pocketed from his long-term care insurance (this is in Germany, so do not call me a troll if it does not work the same way here in the US.) He was then sporadically looked after by a neighbor a few times a week.

Previously, he was in a nursing home for 1.5 years, and I paid for his nursing home out of my own income (meant as a loan, but my MIL refused to sign any loan documents). My mother-in-law had lied to us claiming that they had very low retirement income. In recent months it turned out that his retirement income is double the amount she claims. She herself has no retirement income, having been a housewife.

In December she dumped him in a hospital while needing to be hospitalized herself. The hospital put him in a nursing home. The insurance covers temporary nursing home care while the main caregiver is ill. But now that the temporary payments are over, we want him to stay there, because at home he was completely neglected and severely malnourished. My mother-in-law refuses to give up any part of his salary, and tells us that we have to pay for it if that is what we want.

Their only asset is the house, and it is entirely in her name (inherited).

Even if we had the money to pay for his nursing home (the part not covered by the LTC insurance), even then she should not be staying in the house, because she cannot be cared for there. The house is tiny, but spread over three stories, and there are no interior doors (except for the bathroom).

I am really upset. An uncle has initiated a guardianship proceeding over his brother. Legally, in Germany the spouse is responsible for the medical costs and nursing home costs of the other spouse. So the guardian can force her to sell the house (or put a reverse mortgage on it, which would be a bad deal).

I am very concerned that my mother-in-law would turn completely against my husband if "we" force her to leave her house. She does not care that we would need to take out a loan to pay for my FIL's nursing home.

[Anonymous]

You do nothing. Seems like uncle is in charge now. He can force her to sell the house. He's in charge now. You stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

This is really tough OP. I'm sorry for the situation.

That being said, agree with PP. You do nothing. Wait to see what happens with the guardianship.

I completely understand wanting to step in and take care of FIL in that awful situation. If the guardianship doesn't work and it really is a situation where FIL is malnourished and suffering, I may pay for his care (DH's choice.) But I would try to do it without thinking about MIL at all. I would think of it as saving a parent from an awful situation.....and have nothing more to do with MIL, ever.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for your input. I agree, the best idea to let the guardian take charge.

The problem is, however, that my husband is on his mother's side on this. He wants to enable her to stay in the (unsuitable) house, and claims that in this situation it is our duty to pay for his father's care. He already told me that he, too, will refuse to go to a nursing home when the time comes.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think it’s accurate to say she’s forcing you. Your husband wants to.

[Anonymous]

I don't get what you are talking about. No one can force you to pay and if an uncle is getting guardianship they can apply for government assistance. She can keep the house. They just put a lien on it when she passes. I doubt a judge would give a sibling guardianship over a spouse. None of this makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Who does your DH think is going to pay for your own elderly years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for your input. I agree, the best idea to let the guardian take charge.

The problem is, however, that my husband is on his mother's side on this. He wants to enable her to stay in the (unsuitable) house, and claims that in this situation it is our duty to pay for his father's care. He already told me that he, too, will refuse to go to a nursing home when the time comes.

OP, in this case your subject line is misleading entirely.

What you have here is a classic disagreement between spouses on how to spend money. This isn't about your MIL at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for your input. I agree, the best idea to let the guardian take charge.

The problem is, however, that my husband is on his mother's side on this. He wants to enable her to stay in the (unsuitable) house, and claims that in this situation it is our duty to pay for his father's care. He already told me that he, too, will refuse to go to a nursing home when the time comes.

If paying for his will hurt your family financially then you need to seek a counselor so you can learn how best to discuss this topic without reducing to a fight.

[Anonymous]

Doesn't sound like she will be able to stay in the home much longer in her fragile state. Sounds like your DH's uncle understands the need to step in on his brother's behalf. Wait and see but keep your wallets closed unless there is a payback arrangement.

[Anonymous]

What is the house worth? Could you pay and have the house deeded to DH? Then you can sell it to payback the loan?

[Anonymous]

I’m really sorry but this situation is definitely different from what would happen in the US. Medicaid laws are specifically designed to permit one spouse to remain in and own the family home while still being eligible for Medicaid which pays for nursing home care for the other spouse. I’m surprised that Germany forces people to sell their homes or take loans against the home in order to pay for nursing care. Medicaid does not require that a married couple sell their home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the house worth? Could you pay and have the house deeded to DH? Then you can sell it to payback the loan?

Who inherits the house when MIL dies?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m really sorry but this situation is definitely different from what would happen in the US. Medicaid laws are specifically designed to permit one spouse to remain in and own the family home while still being eligible for Medicaid which pays for nursing home care for the other spouse. I’m surprised that Germany forces people to sell their homes or take loans against the home in order to pay for nursing care. Medicaid does not require that a married couple sell their home.

No, but the "community" spouse who stays in the house gives up all SS, pensions, house, and Medicaid provides a monthly stipend. Cr*ppy way to live as the community spouse.

[Anonymous]

Is brother angling to get the house?