VENT - parents w/o SN kids
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Anonymous
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Minor vent. Anyone else have adult friendships that didn’t last because of parenting styles SN vs NT?
I had a long time friendship fizzle. They told me they don’t approve of my “lax” parenting style and choices we’ve made with our child. Except this isnt apples to apples. The friend is a tiger mom type and is really hard on their NT kid “How does Larlo expect to get into Yale if he doesn’t get into the MS GT magnet?!!” “Why is he only 2nd chair in 4th grade orchestra? He needs to practice harder.” My child has autism and laundry list of SN. We follow a therapeutic style of parenting that was given to us by neuropsych. It has done wonders for our child, but is as far from tiger mom as you can get. It became painful to interact. My kid refused play dates because the mom “makes me feel bad.” Anyone else lose friendships over SN parent life? |
Anonymous
| I’m so sorry. |
Anonymous
| Sounds like you are better off, tbh. |
Anonymous
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With friends like those, who needs friends?
I’m sorry OP. You’re better off without judgmental friends. They have no idea how challenging it is to parent a SN child. I’ve also been on the receiving end of judgement from people like my sister in law, who just have no clue. |
Anonymous
| Yes, friendships and family. Biggest disappointment of our journey. |
Anonymous
| They don't approve for their child or for your child? It kind of makes a difference if they are complaining about you or just mentioning their own preference for parenting. |
Anonymous
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Yes, I feel this. People like this will also assume that your kid's SN isn't real and is just the result of your bad choices. They assume the reason or autistic 3 year old isn't potty training is because you didn't follow Oh Crap. Or that issues like extreme picky eating are the result of failing to do baby led weaning, or giving too many processed foods. they want to put you on the defensive, justifying your choices, because that just confirms for them that the reason their kid doesn't have these issues is because they made all the "right" choices. It doesn't even matter if you actually did the things they are suggesting (but they didn't work, because your kid has SNs and therefore didn't respond the way their NT kids did), they will assume you did them wrong.
I have no patience for people who want to condescend to me about parenting. I only stay friends with people who are willing to assume I know as much about my kid as they do about theirs. |
Anonymous
Op here - parenting for my child. They think my kids SN is a symptom of my bad parenting. Like I caused autism, adhd, and a physical disability because I wasn’t strict enough. Writing it down makes me realize how insane this was… how was I friends with this person for decades? |
Anonymous
Yessssss. I get judged all the damn time. |
Anonymous
There's a difference between stating your own preferences *for your own kids* and making broad proclamations about how you are "supposed" to parent. OP is talking about the latter. With parent friends, you have two broad approaches to parenting differences (whether they involve SN kids or not). There's (1) limiting your circle of family friends to people who parent like you, and (2) learning to be tolerant and open-minded about how other people parent. You can also combine these in moderation. For instance, there are some parenting approaches I just don't want to be around. I wouldn't befriend a family that spanked, for instance, or a family with a a very "children should be seen and no heard" approach. But beyond that, I try to take the approach that families are different, have different needs, and need to figure out what works for them. I don't assume that what works for us will work for others, and I don't give unsolicited parenting advice or present myself as a parenting expert even if the subject is something that works well in our family. That might just mean we got lucky that the way we chose to handle it worked for our kid, or that the conventional wisdom on that issue happened to suit our child's temperament. There are other areas in which we have struggled even trying different approaches, and where our kid was miserable with the conventional approach. Every family is different. |
Anonymous
| Yes, lost friends and family. I pick my kid all day, everyday and if people can’t see the love and support behind that and judge me for it, they aren’t my people. |
Anonymous
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I think almost no one gets thru life without having some experience that makes them realize “hey life isn’t merit based and I didnt earn all this”
The older you get, the more people have had the life experiences that give them the aha moment… I find that I like more of my peers now (I’m almost 50) than I did a decade or two ago So take comfort maybe that someday, somehow, somewhere, this judgy mama who thinks her life is good because she earned it, will stumble onto the revelation that shit happens and what really matters is how you treat people. Hugs OP. |
Anonymous
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Yes, both friends and family for us, it's been very disappointing. What really gets me is the smugness and self-assuredness. If they could only walk in our shoes, how quickly would they realize what obnoxious jerks they are being?
One of the worst offenders is my sister-in law and husband. We have three children, one with SN, they just recently had their first child, and almost immediately started feeling more emboldened to criticize our parenting of and choices for SN child. They are "gentle parenting." Their kid runs around totally without structure or discipline. We're not the disciplinarian types, but holy moly that kid. But my point is we don't say a peep about their choices, and instead get all this smugness rained down on us about how amazing their parenting choices are and no doubt our SN child wouldn't have the challenges they do if they had only been raised in miracles of gentle parenting. |
Anonymous
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I have a somewhat different perspective on this, but I agree with your general point that it's tough to stay friends with people who critique your values. I have an SN kid and neurotypical one. We found that raising our SN kid with HIGH expectations, along with tons of home support and school accommodations (IEP, tutors, home coaching, meds, THE WORKS), was the optimal mix to get him to achieve in school and develop self-esteem. We really did our utmost, because we knew he was capable of academic success and behavior changes, and we worked very hard with him, and he worked hardest of all. We were, in effect, Tiger parents of an SN kid. That's how he got into college, and that's how he was exceedingly well prepared to do well in college. We take a gentler approach with our neurotypical kid, who drives herself way too hard and whose anxiety we need to manage. She's Tiger Parenting herself, and we're telling her to relax! Stereotypes are only useful up to a point  The issue here isn't that your friend is a Tiger Parent (although she sure is going about it the wrong way!), but that she's judging YOU. And that's just plain rude.
A word to the wise, though - YOU know your child better than anyone. Don't let any "expert" dictate your parenting choices. They may have evaluated your kid for 8 hours, or seen him for an hour a week in therapy, but they don't know him as you do. So if you think your kid is capable of more, don't hesitate to push. If we had listened to doctors and psychologists, my college freshman wouldn't even have been mainstreamed K-12, let alone graduated high school... |
Anonymous
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Neurodiversity aside, my mother produced a documentary series and book about tiger parented ‘genius’ kids in the 90s.
Not a one went on to great things. Not one. Now look at will Ferrell. Will Ferrell got into advanced gifted classes. But didn’t want to go bc it would have meant missing his square dancing class that he loved. Bc he’s super weird and hilarious. And his mom said fine - square dancing wins. Lesson: parent the kid you have and that’s how they win. |