VENT - parents w/o SN kids

[Anonymous]

The judgement hurts and also I find the lack of curiosity almost as painful. I feel like everyone pretends my DS doesn’t exist or is some alien and they “just can’t imagine” what it’s like for us.

Also difficult is the horror-I’m being literal here-the looks of actual horror from family members when they see our life up close. My DS is multifaceted and human. There are hard things and beautiful things and we love him fiercely. But they can’t put it into context.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Neurodiversity aside, my mother produced a documentary series and book about tiger parented ‘genius’ kids in the 90s.

Not a one went on to great things. Not one.

Now look at will Ferrell. Will Ferrell got into advanced gifted classes. But didn’t want to go bc it would have meant missing his square dancing class that he loved. Bc he’s super weird and hilarious. And his mom said fine - square dancing wins.

Lesson: parent the kid you have and that’s how they win.

Oh my goodness, is that a real story? I love that. I hope my kid has a beloved hobby like that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They don't approve for their child or for your child? It kind of makes a difference if they are complaining about you or just mentioning their own preference for parenting.

There's a difference between stating your own preferences *for your own kids* and making broad proclamations about how you are "supposed" to parent. OP is talking about the latter.

With parent friends, you have two broad approaches to parenting differences (whether they involve SN kids or not). There's (1) limiting your circle of family friends to people who parent like you, and (2) learning to be tolerant and open-minded about how other people parent.

You can also combine these in moderation. For instance, there are some parenting approaches I just don't want to be around. I wouldn't befriend a family that spanked, for instance, or a family with a a very "children should be seen and no heard" approach. But beyond that, I try to take the approach that families are different, have different needs, and need to figure out what works for them. I don't assume that what works for us will work for others, and I don't give unsolicited parenting advice or present myself as a parenting expert even if the subject is something that works well in our family. That might just mean we got lucky that the way we chose to handle it worked for our kid, or that the conventional wisdom on that issue happened to suit our child's temperament. There are other areas in which we have struggled even trying different approaches, and where our kid was miserable with the conventional approach. Every family is different.

this is a wise approach but there definitely are limits. like I respect my friend with the really gentle parenting style, but I can’t let my kid spend that much time at her house surrounded by unlimited youtube content, bad language, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think almost no one gets thru life without having some experience that makes them realize “hey life isn’t merit based and I didnt earn all this”

The older you get, the more people have had the life experiences that give them the aha moment… I find that I like more of my peers now (I’m almost 50) than I did a decade or two ago

So take comfort maybe that someday, somehow, somewhere, this judgy mama who thinks her life is good because she earned it, will stumble onto the revelation that shit happens and what really matters is how you treat people.

Hugs OP.

Interesting (I don't mean that in a snarky way). I'm 58 and my experience is that fewer people than should have that aha moment you talk about. My experience is that as they age their beliefs in their merit and superior parenting are reinforced. I think it's me that's changed - I have a lot fewer Fs to give.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Neurodiversity aside, my mother produced a documentary series and book about tiger parented ‘genius’ kids in the 90s.

Not a one went on to great things. Not one.

Now look at will Ferrell. Will Ferrell got into advanced gifted classes. But didn’t want to go bc it would have meant missing his square dancing class that he loved. Bc he’s super weird and hilarious. And his mom said fine - square dancing wins.

Lesson: parent the kid you have and that’s how they win.

I love this. I always joke that we should have two funds when kids are born. A college fund and a therapy fund. Cuz not one of us is doing it perfectly and most likely screwing up royally more than one way according to the experts. You parent the kid you have.

As for other parents who have other methods, live and let live (unless criminal of course) unless it overspills onto my kid. Then I will step in and kindly tell them that I'll take it from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Minor vent. Anyone else have adult friendships that didn’t last because of parenting styles SN vs NT?

I had a long time friendship fizzle. They told me they don’t approve of my “lax” parenting style and choices we’ve made with our child. Except this isnt apples to apples.

The friend is a tiger mom type and is really hard on their NT kid “How does Larlo expect to get into Yale if he doesn’t get into the MS GT magnet?!!” “Why is he only 2nd chair in 4th grade orchestra? He needs to practice harder.”

My child has autism and laundry list of SN. We follow a therapeutic style of parenting that was given to us by neuropsych. It has done wonders for our child, but is as far from tiger mom as you can get.

It became painful to interact. My kid refused play dates because the mom “makes me feel bad.”

Anyone else lose friendships over SN parent life?

Sorry. these people are trash. we have limited interactions with siblings because of their holier than thou attitude about SN, and how thier larlo is in gt math and why isn't our child in competitive sport, and why doesn't our kid listen? meanwhile, the sibling broke a glass coffee table in rage and is a recovering alcoholic. i guess the mirror is a bit blurred.

[Anonymous]

That parent isn't a nice person, and even without special needs, you don't need a person like that in your life.

Just last night I was tearing up at how well my kid was doing in what used to be a challenging environment. But then I noticed the eye rolls from someone like that. My kid has come so far, and I get that you expect more from a 10 year old, but for us it was nearly a perfect outing, and i was proud.

[Anonymous]

Yes family-could not accept SN, wanted to lie to extended family and keep up appearances and then were annoyed I couldn't cater to them because even an older SN child has way more needs than a NT child and my NT child felt neglected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, lost friends and family. I pick my kid all day, everyday and if people can’t see the love and support behind that and judge me for it, they aren’t my people.

Well said.

[Anonymous]

I determined pretty early in my momhood career that, whenever possible, I would only spend time with fun, relaxing people who accepted and enjoyed us for who we were, including ADHD DC. Life’s too short to waste time fending off the barbs of others who are not worth your friendship or time.

[Anonymous]

My kid is not SN but pretty average in life. Not gifted or anything. I couldn’t be friends with someone like the mom you’re describing.

[Anonymous]

I’m on this board so I can seek advice and help support my nephews with special needs. My DD is NT I have totally ended friendships with my adult friends with kids because of their judgey comments and competitive behavior- about their own kids, my kids, other random kids, etc. For a while I tried to be polite and steer the conversation away, but once my kid was old enough to overhear everything I realized how awful it was for her to hear those sorts of constant, critical, self-aggrandizing comments from another adult.

Now I am super deliberate about who I spend time with. Give yourself permission to find nice people, OP. I think that in the early years of parenting it can feel so hard to find new adult friends that you cling to whatever you have, especially if you don’t have the energy to put into cultivating new relationships. But once you let that fear go you’ll have room for more and better relationships.

[Anonymous]

I thankfully haven't been in the same situation of being judged like that by a friend but I have definitely tappered off friendships because we didnt have as much in common and they couldn't relate to what i was going through with parenting. Also I got tired of hearing about their "perfect" kids. But I think that might be more a me thing, and Im trying to find space in my life to he friends again without getting upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think almost no one gets thru life without having some experience that makes them realize “hey life isn’t merit based and I didnt earn all this”

The older you get, the more people have had the life experiences that give them the aha moment… I find that I like more of my peers now (I’m almost 50) than I did a decade or two ago

So take comfort maybe that someday, somehow, somewhere, this judgy mama who thinks her life is good because she earned it, will stumble onto the revelation that shit happens and what really matters is how you treat people.

Hugs OP.

Interesting (I don't mean that in a snarky way). I'm 58 and my experience is that fewer people than should have that aha moment you talk about. My experience is that as they age their beliefs in their merit and superior parenting are reinforced. I think it's me that's changed - I have a lot fewer Fs to give.

I was most judgemental as a new parent. I had a lot of anxiety about whether what I was doing was “right” and was insecure. I felt like the only way to justify my choices was to poke holes in everyone else’s choices (not to their face, but privately to my husband or in my head). Now that I have three kids and am not a new parent I am more able to practice self reflection and recognize and sit with anxiety and insecurity - calling them out and moving forward. I don’t like to spend time with people who make me feel bad (and some people really go out of their way to do that) but I also think that comparison is the thief of joy and even though I compare a great deal I also try to tell myself that what I have is great to me. I’m a grass is greener person so that’s hard for me but I practice every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They don't approve for their child or for your child? It kind of makes a difference if they are complaining about you or just mentioning their own preference for parenting.

Op here - parenting for my child. They think my kids SN is a symptom of my bad parenting. Like I caused autism, adhd, and a physical disability because I wasn’t strict enough.

Writing it down makes me realize how insane this was… how was I friends with this person for decades?

I really think your last paragraph is the bigger picture you have to see. Your friend would be a jerk even if you had an NT kid. She is obnoxious at best. And her parenting isn’t anything to mirror no matter what kind of kid you have.