DD’s friend difficult home situation

[Anonymous]

My DD’s best friend has recently been sharing more details about her home life. The stories are pretty awful. They include corporal punishment and lots of verbal abuse.

We’ve only known her for about a year. This kid is really sweet and has always been eager to come over for dinner and sleep over. And we are always happy to have her.

They are both 12th graders waiting for college decisions. This is an incredibly stressful time. So I think this is making things worse for her at home. She is not a US citizen, and her college results are very important to her family.

My sense is that the best thing I can do is just to continue hosting as much as possible and validate that the treatment she is receiving is not ok. She will often say she wishes she was part of our family. I respond that we love having her visit.

I’m not a mandatory reporter. And at this age/ citizenship combo I don’t see much good coming out of calling anyone other than possibly the school counselor. But the kid is reluctant to talk to anyone for fear of triggering an intervention which will make things worse at home.

What would you do?

[Anonymous]

At her age, stay out of it. I say this as a mandatory reporter who has been in the unfortunate situation of witnessing child sex abuse and having to report.

There is nothing you can do and CPS will not get involved for the observations you have made especially at her age.

[Anonymous]

Keep up what you’re doing. Reassure her that anything you talk about will not be repeated. Tell she can call anytime there’s trouble and she wants to come over.

I hope everything works out for her.

[Anonymous]

Take it with a grain of salt. She could be FOS. Have you met her parents?

[Anonymous]

Be glad her parents are willing and able to afford college?

It would be one thing if she was going to community college and living at home, with continuing abuse. But if she can look forward to leaving home… and then getting a job and never looking back… then it’s a much better situation.

Are there younger siblings who are also victims?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take it with a grain of salt. She could be FOS. Have you met her parents?

Meeting the parents will prove nothing. Abusers are often charming.

[Anonymous]

Definitely stay out of it & continue to provide a safe space for her. She is very close to being a legal adult & getting out. My advice might be different if she were in 9th grade - but in 12th with no citizenship, don’t mess things up for her , just help her get to the end goal.

[Anonymous]

I'd continue letting her come over as much as your daughter, as her friend, is comfortable. And I'd tell her that hitting another adult is illegal so I believe hitting children should also be, and that just because someone says something even if they're your parent, doesn't make it true.

[Anonymous]

18:24 again. We are immigrants on visas. If we had a CPS investigation, I don’t think our visa would be in jeopardy. Maybe if we were convicted of a crime. And hitting your kid, if it’s a first time offense, probably won’t rise to that. Verbal abuse they’ll ignore entirely, sadly.

I would be worried about one of the parents witholding money for college as retaliation for speaking out. Tread carefully.

[Anonymous]

Keep having her over, but unless you have witnessed the abuse, keep in mind that she could be exaggerating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take it with a grain of salt. She could be FOS. Have you met her parents?

When kids say they are being abused in any way you don’t take it with a grain of salt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd continue letting her come over as much as your daughter, as her friend, is comfortable. And I'd tell her that hitting another adult is illegal so I believe hitting children should also be, and that just because someone says something even if they're your parent, doesn't make it true.

Thanks for all of the helpful comments.

At dinner this week my 8th grade DS was quoting a YouTube video that included a swear word. He apologized for swearing at the table, and we reassured him we understood it was a quote. Then the friend shared that they had done the same thing when they were in 6th grade while taking a bath. And their mom then hit them with a coat hanger so they would learn not to swear. And that it was good that they learned so early and that being in the bath made it easier to clean up their back. There was complete silence as we all struggled with how to respond.

All I could come up with in the moment was that I was sorry that happened. And that we don’t believe in hitting kids to teach them, so she didn’t have to worry about DS being punished later. The friend then said it was ok that she needed to learn and maybe if her mom had been more firm with her she wouldn’t be so lazy. Friend has excellent grades etc, so this was also a troubling comment. From there I just said I didn’t think she was lazy and then changed the subject and brought out dessert.

I’m now having to discuss more with my kids about their strategies to manage this. They both agree that they want to keep having friend over, but they just don’t know what to say. We’ve landed on “I’m so sorry that happened to you.” And “Just because your parents say it doesn’t mean it’s true”

My younger son doesn’t have to deal often because we don’t do a lot of sit down dinners. We’re usually much more casual and there are activities. But DD shared she sometimes feels overwhelmed at how awful her friend’s home life is. She feels helpless too.

I guess I don’t know what I’m asking here. It’s just so sad. I hope she can go far enough away for college she gets a break.

[Anonymous]

All things considered, just keep doing what you have been doing. IMO.

[Anonymous]

I hope this child will be able to go to college and live on campus and get some space from this.

[Anonymous]

Parents have a right to discipline their kids. It's only an issue with marks and bruises. You are not comfortable with their culture, and that's a different issue. Most parents push when it comes to college and grades. We do. It's not abuse, it's wanting the best and your kid to be successful. You don't discuss with her that her parents are bad or wrong. Her behavior may be very different at home.