DD’s friend difficult home situation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“DD is nowhere near her academic league”

This is why (some) Asian parents do what they do.
Unfortunately it’s an effective way to get results
Who knows what’s right?
You need to make sure your DD is not being her friend’s therapist.
Maybe she should distance herself somewhat

OP here- my daughter is dyslexic, and is very clear on the type of academic setting that will work best for her as she prepares for grad school. She also does CBT so is quite clear in her own boundaries.

I guess what’s right depends on what you value. I couldn’t live with myself if I treated my child that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents have a right to discipline their kids. It's only an issue with marks and bruises. You are not comfortable with their culture, and that's a different issue. Most parents push when it comes to college and grades. We do. It's not abuse, it's wanting the best and your kid to be successful. You don't discuss with her that her parents are bad or wrong. Her behavior may be very different at home.

That "right" is not absolute and it's really gross when someone tries to justify the sort of situation described by OP. That is abuse.

I also have zero respect for people who hit or are physical with their children. In any other circumstances, that would be assault. And just because it is their child that's ok? Sorry no.

By the law it's not considered abuse. The law is what matters. Its not cps worthy and she isn't better off in foster care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Im confused— the op takes what another poster shared as the story her daughter’s friend shared? The one about the waking and scolding and hitting with a slipper? Wut?

Anyway, I’m Indian American and my father had a terrible, terrible temper. Thre things at us, broke dishes, doors, walls— once put his head through the wall, and treated our mother horribly. She wasn’t innocent and played a role too. They have both died now, and I remember this with great sadness. In my case they loved us a lot and did everything for us. In our house it wasn’t about grades, but often disrespect.

Yes, I didn’t get that at all. Is this just a troll?

If this is real, it’s good OP is giving this kid a space to be. I would stop verbally contrasting your parenting with theirs. She sees the difference, and all you’re doing is making yourself feel better. I would also talk with your kids to make sure they’re doing ok. It seems like a lot for them to process.

Also, what does she want? Is she just venting or want support with getting out of this situation?

I don’t know if this is wrong to say, but it would make me uncomfortable to be in a situation where as a family with this girl, we are badmouthing her parents when we have no context for that. Not that she’s lying. But, to me it would seem more like when an incident happens, she shares that with you as people she confides in. You support her through that situation. Seems reasonable.

I’m not sure that raising past things regularly as similar things come up in conversation is the best, for her or your kids. Can she go to a therapist to process some of this?

[Anonymous]

My father used his nationality and upbringing as an excuse to beat me with household objects whenever he was angry at the world for whatever reason when I was growing up. Bad day at work, he didn’t like my cleaning or housekeeping techniques, I wasn’t fast or thorough enough with chores, etc. he beat the sh. out of me with a belt once when I had a fever because I wasn’t emptying grocery bags fast enough or putting the items in the correct place on the shelf.

I showed up to high school with a visible bruise once. The school called him to ask about it and I paid for that.

CPS didn’t care because we were wealthy and according to them, wealthy people cannot abuse.

I can count on one hand the number of people who accept that he was abusive and none of them could really help me.

Tread carefully. Being there for her and being a safe place for her is very generous of you. That’s enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents have a right to discipline their kids. It's only an issue with marks and bruises. You are not comfortable with their culture, and that's a different issue. Most parents push when it comes to college and grades. We do. It's not abuse, it's wanting the best and your kid to be successful. You don't discuss with her that her parents are bad or wrong. Her behavior may be very different at home.

Horrible parenting. Example #1 of how not to parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd continue letting her come over as much as your daughter, as her friend, is comfortable. And I'd tell her that hitting another adult is illegal so I believe hitting children should also be, and that just because someone says something even if they're your parent, doesn't make it true.

Thanks for all of the helpful comments.

At dinner this week my 8th grade DS was quoting a YouTube video that included a swear word. He apologized for swearing at the table, and we reassured him we understood it was a quote. Then the friend shared that they had done the same thing when they were in 6th grade while taking a bath. And their mom then hit them with a coat hanger so they would learn not to swear. And that it was good that they learned so early and that being in the bath made it easier to clean up their back. There was complete silence as we all struggled with how to respond.

All I could come up with in the moment was that I was sorry that happened. And that we don’t believe in hitting kids to teach them, so she didn’t have to worry about DS being punished later. The friend then said it was ok that she needed to learn and maybe if her mom had been more firm with her she wouldn’t be so lazy. Friend has excellent grades etc, so this was also a troubling comment. From there I just said I didn’t think she was lazy and then changed the subject and brought out dessert.

I’m now having to discuss more with my kids about their strategies to manage this. They both agree that they want to keep having friend over, but they just don’t know what to say. We’ve landed on “I’m so sorry that happened to you.” And “Just because your parents say it doesn’t mean it’s true”

My younger son doesn’t have to deal often because we don’t do a lot of sit down dinners. We’re usually much more casual and there are activities. But DD shared she sometimes feels overwhelmed at how awful her friend’s home life is. She feels helpless too.

I guess I don’t know what I’m asking here. It’s just so sad. I hope she can go far enough away for college she gets a break.

Child of Asian immigrants here who beat the crap out of us.
I would never have had to guts to tell any of my friends parents about it. I told a friend about it and realized that nothing would change. It was clear that the only consequence of reporting to authorities would be foster homes for me and my siblings.
My siblings and I basically used the college route as an escape.

Here is a lovely story of one of the things my mom did - when I was in 4th grade and home sick one day, I was bored (coz, you know, we're immigrants and have no toys) so peeled the paper covers off the crayola crayons. My pregnant mother went ballistic, stripped me of my clothes (just like what I did to those precious crayolas) and had me kneel down in front of the porch window for something like 20 minutes naked. I realize now she was probably experiencing morning sickness and needed to take it out on someone.
Sometimes, in middle of the night when she got pissed about something that happened earlier in the day, she would wake us up and beat us with the leather slippers. The beatings mostly happened around elementary age. After that, she got my dad to do it instead because we were growing taller than her.
My mother is just over 80 now and she thinks we have forgotten. I understand that she was repeating a dysfunctional pattern she learned. Unfortunately, I have to say the physical abuse transmogrified into psychological abuse, efforts at parental alienation, pitting the children against each other, etc... the drama just never ended, even into our adulthood.

Anyways, OP, your DD's friend is being very upfront, I kind of wonder if you should direct her to seek some form of therapy in college. She obviously needs to talk to someone and trying to make it you. She should try to see someone who is familiar with her particular culture, and being around other kids from that background can really help. The worst thing is to think one is going thru it alone. So many other kids from struggling immigrant families have terrible dysfunction too. The Asian need to save face really exacerbates the problem. Maybe if she understood the influences driving these behaviors, the psychological injury would be less.

I still remember when my dad beat the crap out of me when I wrote on the walls with marker. We didn’t have construction paper.

PP—I’m so sorry this happened to you. And I guess I’m sorry it happened to ne too. Hugs from this internet stranger ❤️.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father used his nationality and upbringing as an excuse to beat me with household objects whenever he was angry at the world for whatever reason when I was growing up. Bad day at work, he didn’t like my cleaning or housekeeping techniques, I wasn’t fast or thorough enough with chores, etc. he beat the sh. out of me with a belt once when I had a fever because I wasn’t emptying grocery bags fast enough or putting the items in the correct place on the shelf.

I showed up to high school with a visible bruise once. The school called him to ask about it and I paid for that.

CPS didn’t care because we were wealthy and according to them, wealthy people cannot abuse.

I can count on one hand the number of people who accept that he was abusive and none of them could really help me.

Tread carefully. Being there for her and being a safe place for her is very generous of you. That’s enough.

OP here. Thank you to those who have shared their own stories of abuse. I am so sorry for all that you suffered. You have helped clarify for me that I don’t want to be another adult who doesn’t believe them. And I am also not qualified to be any sort of therapist.

So I will make sure we remain a safe and encouraging space for this friend. I will work hard to stick to the “I’m sorry that happened to you” if she shares other stories.

If possible I will suggest that she may want to seek counseling at college where I hope there will be free and private resources. I can probably have that discussion with both girls in the context of resources available at college which I expect my own DD to access.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“DD is nowhere near her academic league”

This is why (some) Asian parents do what they do.
Unfortunately it’s an effective way to get results
Who knows what’s right?
You need to make sure your DD is not being her friend’s therapist.
Maybe she should distance herself somewhat

Abuse resulting in emotional trauma, physical injury, poisoned relationship with parents, and… good grades. But who can say what’s right?

/s

[Anonymous]

Mind your own damn business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mind your own damn business.

The girl is making it OP’s business.