DD’s friend difficult home situation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents have a right to discipline their kids. It's only an issue with marks and bruises. You are not comfortable with their culture, and that's a different issue. Most parents push when it comes to college and grades. We do. It's not abuse, it's wanting the best and your kid to be successful. You don't discuss with her that her parents are bad or wrong. Her behavior may be very different at home.

If you're hitting your child with a coat hanger, it is abuse, whether it leaves a mark or not.
My parents pushed very hard about college and grades. It's part of OUR culture. But they never laid on a hand on me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd continue letting her come over as much as your daughter, as her friend, is comfortable. And I'd tell her that hitting another adult is illegal so I believe hitting children should also be, and that just because someone says something even if they're your parent, doesn't make it true.

Thanks for all of the helpful comments.

At dinner this week my 8th grade DS was quoting a YouTube video that included a swear word. He apologized for swearing at the table, and we reassured him we understood it was a quote. Then the friend shared that they had done the same thing when they were in 6th grade while taking a bath. And their mom then hit them with a coat hanger so they would learn not to swear. And that it was good that they learned so early and that being in the bath made it easier to clean up their back. There was complete silence as we all struggled with how to respond.

All I could come up with in the moment was that I was sorry that happened. And that we don’t believe in hitting kids to teach them, so she didn’t have to worry about DS being punished later. The friend then said it was ok that she needed to learn and maybe if her mom had been more firm with her she wouldn’t be so lazy. Friend has excellent grades etc, so this was also a troubling comment. From there I just said I didn’t think she was lazy and then changed the subject and brought out dessert.

I’m now having to discuss more with my kids about their strategies to manage this. They both agree that they want to keep having friend over, but they just don’t know what to say. We’ve landed on “I’m so sorry that happened to you.” And “Just because your parents say it doesn’t mean it’s true”

My younger son doesn’t have to deal often because we don’t do a lot of sit down dinners. We’re usually much more casual and there are activities. But DD shared she sometimes feels overwhelmed at how awful her friend’s home life is. She feels helpless too.

I guess I don’t know what I’m asking here. It’s just so sad. I hope she can go far enough away for college she gets a break.

Child of Asian immigrants here who beat the crap out of us.
I would never have had to guts to tell any of my friends parents about it. I told a friend about it and realized that nothing would change. It was clear that the only consequence of reporting to authorities would be foster homes for me and my siblings.
My siblings and I basically used the college route as an escape.

Here is a lovely story of one of the things my mom did - when I was in 4th grade and home sick one day, I was bored (coz, you know, we're immigrants and have no toys) so peeled the paper covers off the crayola crayons. My pregnant mother went ballistic, stripped me of my clothes (just like what I did to those precious crayolas) and had me kneel down in front of the porch window for something like 20 minutes naked. I realize now she was probably experiencing morning sickness and needed to take it out on someone.
Sometimes, in middle of the night when she got pissed about something that happened earlier in the day, she would wake us up and beat us with the leather slippers. The beatings mostly happened around elementary age. After that, she got my dad to do it instead because we were growing taller than her.
My mother is just over 80 now and she thinks we have forgotten. I understand that she was repeating a dysfunctional pattern she learned. Unfortunately, I have to say the physical abuse transmogrified into psychological abuse, efforts at parental alienation, pitting the children against each other, etc... the drama just never ended, even into our adulthood.

Anyways, OP, your DD's friend is being very upfront, I kind of wonder if you should direct her to seek some form of therapy in college. She obviously needs to talk to someone and trying to make it you. She should try to see someone who is familiar with her particular culture, and being around other kids from that background can really help. The worst thing is to think one is going thru it alone. So many other kids from struggling immigrant families have terrible dysfunction too. The Asian need to save face really exacerbates the problem. Maybe if she understood the influences driving these behaviors, the psychological injury would be less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents have a right to discipline their kids. It's only an issue with marks and bruises. You are not comfortable with their culture, and that's a different issue. Most parents push when it comes to college and grades. We do. It's not abuse, it's wanting the best and your kid to be successful. You don't discuss with her that her parents are bad or wrong. Her behavior may be very different at home.

If you're hitting your child with a coat hanger, it is abuse, whether it leaves a mark or not.
My parents pushed very hard about college and grades. It's part of OUR culture. But they never laid on a hand on me.

It is abusive but it's not considered abuse for cps purposes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd continue letting her come over as much as your daughter, as her friend, is comfortable. And I'd tell her that hitting another adult is illegal so I believe hitting children should also be, and that just because someone says something even if they're your parent, doesn't make it true.

Thanks for all of the helpful comments.

At dinner this week my 8th grade DS was quoting a YouTube video that included a swear word. He apologized for swearing at the table, and we reassured him we understood it was a quote. Then the friend shared that they had done the same thing when they were in 6th grade while taking a bath. And their mom then hit them with a coat hanger so they would learn not to swear. And that it was good that they learned so early and that being in the bath made it easier to clean up their back. There was complete silence as we all struggled with how to respond.

All I could come up with in the moment was that I was sorry that happened. And that we don’t believe in hitting kids to teach them, so she didn’t have to worry about DS being punished later. The friend then said it was ok that she needed to learn and maybe if her mom had been more firm with her she wouldn’t be so lazy. Friend has excellent grades etc, so this was also a troubling comment. From there I just said I didn’t think she was lazy and then changed the subject and brought out dessert.

I’m now having to discuss more with my kids about their strategies to manage this. They both agree that they want to keep having friend over, but they just don’t know what to say. We’ve landed on “I’m so sorry that happened to you.” And “Just because your parents say it doesn’t mean it’s true”

My younger son doesn’t have to deal often because we don’t do a lot of sit down dinners. We’re usually much more casual and there are activities. But DD shared she sometimes feels overwhelmed at how awful her friend’s home life is. She feels helpless too.

I guess I don’t know what I’m asking here. It’s just so sad. I hope she can go far enough away for college she gets a break.

Child of Asian immigrants here who beat the crap out of us.
I would never have had to guts to tell any of my friends parents about it. I told a friend about it and realized that nothing would change. It was clear that the only consequence of reporting to authorities would be foster homes for me and my siblings.
My siblings and I basically used the college route as an escape.

Here is a lovely story of one of the things my mom did - when I was in 4th grade and home sick one day, I was bored (coz, you know, we're immigrants and have no toys) so peeled the paper covers off the crayola crayons. My pregnant mother went ballistic, stripped me of my clothes (just like what I did to those precious crayolas) and had me kneel down in front of the porch window for something like 20 minutes naked. I realize now she was probably experiencing morning sickness and needed to take it out on someone.
Sometimes, in middle of the night when she got pissed about something that happened earlier in the day, she would wake us up and beat us with the leather slippers. The beatings mostly happened around elementary age. After that, she got my dad to do it instead because we were growing taller than her.
My mother is just over 80 now and she thinks we have forgotten. I understand that she was repeating a dysfunctional pattern she learned. Unfortunately, I have to say the physical abuse transmogrified into psychological abuse, efforts at parental alienation, pitting the children against each other, etc... the drama just never ended, even into our adulthood.

Anyways, OP, your DD's friend is being very upfront, I kind of wonder if you should direct her to seek some form of therapy in college. She obviously needs to talk to someone and trying to make it you. She should try to see someone who is familiar with her particular culture, and being around other kids from that background can really help. The worst thing is to think one is going thru it alone. So many other kids from struggling immigrant families have terrible dysfunction too. The Asian need to save face really exacerbates the problem. Maybe if she understood the influences driving these behaviors, the psychological injury would be less.

And she needs to keep her grades up, apply to a need blind school and GTFO. She needs to meet nice people from her own ethnic background to experience pride in it, instead of associating it with this horrid dysfunction. And she needs to set boundaries with her parents.

[Anonymous]

I am surprised she would be that forthcoming to an entire family at the dinner table. Especially to people she hasn’t known that long. Was it to stun and evoke sympathy?

Idk I think you need to take a step back and think about this a little more critically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents have a right to discipline their kids. It's only an issue with marks and bruises. You are not comfortable with their culture, and that's a different issue. Most parents push when it comes to college and grades. We do. It's not abuse, it's wanting the best and your kid to be successful. You don't discuss with her that her parents are bad or wrong. Her behavior may be very different at home.

That "right" is not absolute and it's really gross when someone tries to justify the sort of situation described by OP. That is abuse.

I also have zero respect for people who hit or are physical with their children. In any other circumstances, that would be assault. And just because it is their child that's ok? Sorry no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents have a right to discipline their kids. It's only an issue with marks and bruises. You are not comfortable with their culture, and that's a different issue. Most parents push when it comes to college and grades. We do. It's not abuse, it's wanting the best and your kid to be successful. You don't discuss with her that her parents are bad or wrong. Her behavior may be very different at home.

If you're hitting your child with a coat hanger, it is abuse, whether it leaves a mark or not.
My parents pushed very hard about college and grades. It's part of OUR culture. But they never laid on a hand on me.

It is abusive but it's not considered abuse for cps purposes.

Maybe. But that does not mean it's not abuse. It only means our CPS is #$%$@ up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take it with a grain of salt. She could be FOS. Have you met her parents?

When kids say they are being abused in any way you don’t take it with a grain of salt.

She isn’t a kid.

And sometimes you have to. Some of them exaggerate for attention or make shit up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd continue letting her come over as much as your daughter, as her friend, is comfortable. And I'd tell her that hitting another adult is illegal so I believe hitting children should also be, and that just because someone says something even if they're your parent, doesn't make it true.

Thanks for all of the helpful comments.

At dinner this week my 8th grade DS was quoting a YouTube video that included a swear word. He apologized for swearing at the table, and we reassured him we understood it was a quote. Then the friend shared that they had done the same thing when they were in 6th grade while taking a bath. And their mom then hit them with a coat hanger so they would learn not to swear. And that it was good that they learned so early and that being in the bath made it easier to clean up their back. There was complete silence as we all struggled with how to respond.

All I could come up with in the moment was that I was sorry that happened. And that we don’t believe in hitting kids to teach them, so she didn’t have to worry about DS being punished later. The friend then said it was ok that she needed to learn and maybe if her mom had been more firm with her she wouldn’t be so lazy. Friend has excellent grades etc, so this was also a troubling comment. From there I just said I didn’t think she was lazy and then changed the subject and brought out dessert.

I’m now having to discuss more with my kids about their strategies to manage this. They both agree that they want to keep having friend over, but they just don’t know what to say. We’ve landed on “I’m so sorry that happened to you.” And “Just because your parents say it doesn’t mean it’s true”

My younger son doesn’t have to deal often because we don’t do a lot of sit down dinners. We’re usually much more casual and there are activities. But DD shared she sometimes feels overwhelmed at how awful her friend’s home life is. She feels helpless too.

I guess I don’t know what I’m asking here. It’s just so sad. I hope she can go far enough away for college she gets a break.

Child of Asian immigrants here who beat the crap out of us.
I would never have had to guts to tell any of my friends parents about it. I told a friend about it and realized that nothing would change. It was clear that the only consequence of reporting to authorities would be foster homes for me and my siblings.
My siblings and I basically used the college route as an escape.

Here is a lovely story of one of the things my mom did - when I was in 4th grade and home sick one day, I was bored (coz, you know, we're immigrants and have no toys) so peeled the paper covers off the crayola crayons. My pregnant mother went ballistic, stripped me of my clothes (just like what I did to those precious crayolas) and had me kneel down in front of the porch window for something like 20 minutes naked. I realize now she was probably experiencing morning sickness and needed to take it out on someone.
Sometimes, in middle of the night when she got pissed about something that happened earlier in the day, she would wake us up and beat us with the leather slippers. The beatings mostly happened around elementary age. After that, she got my dad to do it instead because we were growing taller than her.
My mother is just over 80 now and she thinks we have forgotten. I understand that she was repeating a dysfunctional pattern she learned. Unfortunately, I have to say the physical abuse transmogrified into psychological abuse, efforts at parental alienation, pitting the children against each other, etc... the drama just never ended, even into our adulthood.

Anyways, OP, your DD's friend is being very upfront, I kind of wonder if you should direct her to seek some form of therapy in college. She obviously needs to talk to someone and trying to make it you. She should try to see someone who is familiar with her particular culture, and being around other kids from that background can really help. The worst thing is to think one is going thru it alone. So many other kids from struggling immigrant families have terrible dysfunction too. The Asian need to save face really exacerbates the problem. Maybe if she understood the influences driving these behaviors, the psychological injury would be less.

The bottom line is that with the cost of college these days, kids are depending on their parents for their education until they can graduate with a job.
So it means preserving the relationship for money. It's not something people from non-abusive backgrounds can easily understand... but that's how it works. I've seen this dynamic from all ethnicities. Abusive parents are the same the world over. The worst I've seen was from a conservative white American family, with a daughter at UMD. She worked in my lab, and used to confide in me. She would be punished by her parents for non-existent crimes by being made to sleep on the ground like the dog and handed her dinner in a dog bowl. Insane stuff. But she needed the money to graduate, and she was 18.

You never know what goes on behind closed doors.

[Anonymous]

OP - do you know if she is applying to colleges that would let her live away from home? I'm hoping so. I can see families like this guilting a child into living at home while going to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents have a right to discipline their kids. It's only an issue with marks and bruises. You are not comfortable with their culture, and that's a different issue. Most parents push when it comes to college and grades. We do. It's not abuse, it's wanting the best and your kid to be successful. You don't discuss with her that her parents are bad or wrong. Her behavior may be very different at home.

If you're hitting your child with a coat hanger, it is abuse, whether it leaves a mark or not.
My parents pushed very hard about college and grades. It's part of OUR culture. But they never laid on a hand on me.

Joan Crawford!! Yes, Mommy Dearest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents have a right to discipline their kids. It's only an issue with marks and bruises. You are not comfortable with their culture, and that's a different issue. Most parents push when it comes to college and grades. We do. It's not abuse, it's wanting the best and your kid to be successful. You don't discuss with her that her parents are bad or wrong. Her behavior may be very different at home.

No and no

OP this is garbage ignore

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am surprised she would be that forthcoming to an entire family at the dinner table. Especially to people she hasn’t known that long. Was it to stun and evoke sympathy?

Idk I think you need to take a step back and think about this a little more critically.

I think she let her guard down because she has been at our house a lot in the last year. My husband jokes we got a third kid when our daughter met her. Even our crazy anxious dogs really like her.

We try to be sensitive to the cultural differences and she’s taught us how to make some of her culture’s foods etc. It has been fun learning about holidays from her country and stories about her grandparents. She doesn’t talk about her parents. I admit I had been a little concerned about some high pressure academic comments, but different families have different values about that.

The waking up to scold and hitting with a shoe were other situations my daughter told me her friend had shared. Those sounded really outlandish to me, but I guess I am sheltered.

I need to see what I can find out about her college list. All I’ve heard is that her parents will only pay if it is a good enough school. I just pray now that she can get out and get help in college.

DD is nowhere near her academic league so their application processes have been quite different.

[Anonymous]

“DD is nowhere near her academic league”

This is why (some) Asian parents do what they do.
Unfortunately it’s an effective way to get results
Who knows what’s right?
You need to make sure your DD is not being her friend’s therapist.
Maybe she should distance herself somewhat

[Anonymous]

Im confused— the op takes what another poster shared as the story her daughter’s friend shared? The one about the waking and scolding and hitting with a slipper? Wut?

Anyway, I’m Indian American and my father had a terrible, terrible temper. Thre things at us, broke dishes, doors, walls— once put his head through the wall, and treated our mother horribly. She wasn’t innocent and played a role too. They have both died now, and I remember this with great sadness. In my case they loved us a lot and did everything for us. In our house it wasn’t about grades, but often disrespect.