How do I even deal with this?

[Anonymous]

My spouse and I don’t fight often-maybe 2/3 times a year (I’m not counting tiny disagreements that happen within daily life. But when we do he makes up for the infrequency with a terrible temper and then going completely silent until I break. He never apologizes. He never takes responsibility. I hate it so much. I have told him numerous times that his response to fighting is not how an adult person should be handling it but this is just who he is. He is a great father and a good husband during regular times. But I mean, fighting is a part of marriage and his response makes me so angry every time it happens. I am in therapy and now simply walk away when it happens but it doesn’t change his response. He will not do therapy and thinks it’s pointless.

Sometimes I think about spending the rest of my life like this and I want to throw up. He quite literally reacts like a 12 year old.

I have tried numerous strategies-giving him space, telling him not to talk to me in a certain tone. It seems to just add fuel to the fire. Nothing changes.

Anybody have experience with a spouse like this?

[Anonymous]

Sadly, yes. I have lots of experience with a grownchild just like this.

You can only change yourself. There's your power. Decide what you're willing to do, and then get it done.

[Anonymous]

Is this something you are willing to divorce over? If so, I’d let him know.

[Anonymous]

So 2 or 3 times a year you have to deal with your DH's imbecile behavior. How long do these tantrums/silent treatments last - a week or so?

Otherwise you say things with him are good.

In the grand scheme of things, you are talking about 3 weeks or so per year of crappy, immature behavior that he has no intention of changing.

It is what it is.

You can destroy your kids' family over this, if you feel it's worth it. I wouldn't.

I would just tell him that next time he wants to pull a tantrum/silent treatment on me, I will be finding a hotel room to stay in for the next week. Then do it. (Have a bag in the closet all ready to go.)

He can do all childcare, etc. during that time. Tell him it will give him good training for what 50/50 custody is like, because if he continues with this sh!tty behavior a legal separation/divorce will be the next step.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse and I don’t fight often-maybe 2/3 times a year (I’m not counting tiny disagreements that happen within daily life. But when we do he makes up for the infrequency with a terrible temper and then going completely silent until I break. He never apologizes. He never takes responsibility. I hate it so much. I have told him numerous times that his response to fighting is not how an adult person should be handling it but this is just who he is. He is a great father and a good husband during regular times. But I mean, fighting is a part of marriage and his response makes me so angry every time it happens. I am in therapy and now simply walk away when it happens but it doesn’t change his response. He will not do therapy and thinks it’s pointless.

Sometimes I think about spending the rest of my life like this and I want to throw up. He quite literally reacts like a 12 year old.

I have tried numerous strategies-giving him space, telling him not to talk to me in a certain tone. It seems to just add fuel to the fire. Nothing changes.

Anybody have experience with a spouse like this?

Yes. Not the silent treatment as much, but definitely the anger. Nothing has worked. I wish I had left and asked for a separation (and divorce if necessary) long ago when I could have started over. 52 now and I guess this is it.

[Anonymous]

Yes, same. I have learned to disrupt the argument so it doesn't escalate.

[Anonymous]

I consider yelling, slamming doors, physical aggression, silent treatment, etc., as ways for a person to "punish" and abuse their partner when they are angry.

In therapy DH eventually admitted that he did some of these things with me because he CAN, and the therapist was like "no, you can't, you're in marriage counselling and your marriage is going to end over this," and after that he really never engaged in those behaviors again. But he really wanted to stay married which is why he was in the therapy to begin with. Maybe your DH is not so committed, OP. But you need to stand up for yourself, and be serious about it.

The frequency DOES NOT MATTER. One day it WILL be more frequent, because he gets away with this behavior without consequence. So he will rely on it more over time. The silent treatment is very abusive.

[Anonymous]

Stop picking fights with him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So 2 or 3 times a year you have to deal with your DH's imbecile behavior. How long do these tantrums/silent treatments last - a week or so?

Otherwise you say things with him are good.

In the grand scheme of things, you are talking about 3 weeks or so per year of crappy, immature behavior that he has no intention of changing.

It is what it is.

You can destroy your kids' family over this, if you feel it's worth it. I wouldn't.

I would just tell him that next time he wants to pull a tantrum/silent treatment on me, I will be finding a hotel room to stay in for the next week. Then do it. (Have a bag in the closet all ready to go.)

He can do all childcare, etc. during that time. Tell him it will give him good training for what 50/50 custody is like, because if he continues with this sh!tty behavior a legal separation/divorce will be the next step.

-1

You are saying that if the OP of this post divorces her husband then she would be destroying her children’s family.

Yet you are then suggesting that OP should pack a suitcase & leave her husband/children for a wk and stay in a hotel??!

Hypocrite.

[Anonymous]

How did you deal with this while dating? Why is it an issue now?

[Anonymous]

Are you better with or without him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did you deal with this while dating? Why is it an issue now?

This is such a stupid question. People change over time and in the early stages of a relationship many things may not be obvious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So 2 or 3 times a year you have to deal with your DH's imbecile behavior. How long do these tantrums/silent treatments last - a week or so?

Otherwise you say things with him are good.

In the grand scheme of things, you are talking about 3 weeks or so per year of crappy, immature behavior that he has no intention of changing.

It is what it is.

You can destroy your kids' family over this, if you feel it's worth it. I wouldn't.

I would just tell him that next time he wants to pull a tantrum/silent treatment on me, I will be finding a hotel room to stay in for the next week. Then do it. (Have a bag in the closet all ready to go.)

He can do all childcare, etc. during that time. Tell him it will give him good training for what 50/50 custody is like, because if he continues with this sh!tty behavior a legal separation/divorce will be the next step.

-1

You are saying that if the OP of this post divorces her husband then she would be destroying her children’s family.

Yet you are then suggesting that OP should pack a suitcase & leave her husband/children for a wk and stay in a hotel??!

Hypocrite.

I don’t know, once my husband knew that I really might leave him over an issue he realized how serious it was and stopped. Later on another issue that we had had before got worse, and we were to the point in our marriage where divorce was just untenable due to kids’ ages and their mental health. I didn’t tell him I’d divorce him but I did say that if he kept doing it, our marriage would be irreparably harmed and I was not going to have a close relationship with him. I followed through by refusing to talk to him about things beyond the bare minimum (he really likes to chat with me), refusing to spend time with him, etc. I don’t think this was the silent treatment because I explained to him how his actions impacted me and what I was going to do to mitigate the harm of those actions. He thought for a while that it was punishment/manipulation but after some individual therapy he finally realized it was just the consequence of him being a jerk to me.

So it wasn’t a threat of divorce, it seeing that his behavior was causing him to lose the benefits of the relationship that got him to change. But maybe that’s sort of a similar mental process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did you deal with this while dating? Why is it an issue now?

We were together 5 years before getting married. Never once did he do this. This has been an issue for the last 6 or so years. We have been married 14 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you better with or without him?

Well how would I know that?