FYI: Every elderly person doesn’t behave badly just because they are sad or adjusting

[Anonymous]

Sometimes they are just being mean or difficult because it’s part of their nature. Or want to be controlling. I have an elderly friend on our street who will not move out of her home or hire someone even though she is disabled. She knows how disabled she is. She just truly believes that entitles her to other people’s time in exactly the way she wants to use it. She has millions, she has lots of choices. She won’t exercise any of them because she doesn’t want to. If you offer to run an errand, she gets insulted if you don’t do things X or Y way. Example: mail a package at the post office, but don’t use one of those indoor machines because she wants to know if it might be fifty cents cheaper to send first class with added insurance as opposed to priority where it’s already included. The fact that she wastes your time on a post office line is irrelevant in her thought process. My mother is now being mean to my sister sometimes in ways that I recognize her being mean to both of us from childhood. It’s not a change of behavior, despite her age. It’s because my sister is finally setting limits and she doesn’t like it.

Sometimes it’s not malicious but fear-based, but that doesn’t mean the other person helping isn’t being abused in the process. Either way, my full empathy rests with the caregivers.

[Anonymous]

Some people are just a--holes.

Doesnt change when they get old.

[Anonymous]

Do you feel better now?

[Anonymous]

WTF? Generalize much idiot?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WTF? Generalize much idiot?

People like yourself come on and try to make excuses and blame the caretakers/helpers. My original post is especially for you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you feel better now?

If it helps others not blame themselves? Yes

[Anonymous]

Nothing you describe is “mean” or malicious. It’s just not putting you and your feelings first (rightly or wrongly) and that clearly pushes your buttons. I’d sit and have a think about how I see the world if I were you.

[Anonymous]

In my own personal experience, this stems from anxiety and an inability to put themselves in other people's shoes. If those symptoms are severe, then it get into autistic territory (which, at its core, is both of these issues).

Old age makes it worse, because they get more dependent on others and lose the filter they had, if they had any in the first place.

That's all.

[Anonymous]

I think most people should be on anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds after the age of 70. Maybe not all, but most.

I can rattle off at least 6 older people in my family whose dispositions would improve in very positive ways if they did that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nothing you describe is “mean” or malicious. It’s just not putting you and your feelings first (rightly or wrongly) and that clearly pushes your buttons. I’d sit and have a think about how I see the world if I were you.

Incorrect. My sister is taking a lot of abuse that she should not, yet does so much. My friend is determined to stay in her home and not pay for any help and as she gets more and more immobile, expects others to put themselves out to meet her needs in very specific ways. My feelings have nothing to do with it. Perhaps you are mired in yours?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
In my own personal experience, this stems from anxiety and an inability to put themselves in other people's shoes. If those symptoms are severe, then it get into autistic territory (which, at its core, is both of these issues).

Old age makes it worse, because they get more dependent on others and lose the filter they had, if they had any in the first place.

That's all.

I beg to differ. There are also selfish people in the world and it's important to draw boundaries to protect yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think most people should be on anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds after the age of 70. Maybe not all, but most.

I can rattle off at least 6 older people in my family whose dispositions would improve in very positive ways if they did that.

I do agree with this but it doesn't solve all issues.

[Anonymous]

My mom is like this. She’s got a myriad of physical issues coupled with dementia and she’s turned into an awful person. In her case she’s terrified all the time and her anxiety is off the charts (she’s medicated but it doesn’t seem to be helping). She doesn’t sleep well because she’s so worried about everything all the time, and this leads to her taking out her fear and anger on the closest person to her which is me.

Looking back she’s always been incredibly codependent and my dad just took care of her. The second he died she looked to me and unfortunately I filled that role. Even before the dementia she didn’t care that I’d have to drive an hour each way several times a month to help her with something (I’ve since moved her closer) and she has never respected my time or my efforts. Years ago I mentioned how my work was suffering due to all the time I had to spend taking care of her and she told me I should quit my job. I’m a single mom with a single income. Zero empathy. Never had it, still doesn’t have it.

Selfish people are going to be selfish. The last eight years of my life have been spent managing my mom’s life, even when she was fully capable of managing her own affairs. The last two years she’s been more than a full time job. It’s a million times harder than raising kids and way less rewarding. My life is on hold. Her needs are being met while mine aren’t a consideration.

Since this is an anonymous forum I can admit that sometimes I find myself so envious of my friends whose parents turned into sweet old people, or those whose parents died suddenly or after a short illness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is like this. She’s got a myriad of physical issues coupled with dementia and she’s turned into an awful person. In her case she’s terrified all the time and her anxiety is off the charts (she’s medicated but it doesn’t seem to be helping). She doesn’t sleep well because she’s so worried about everything all the time, and this leads to her taking out her fear and anger on the closest person to her which is me.

Looking back she’s always been incredibly codependent and my dad just took care of her. The second he died she looked to me and unfortunately I filled that role. Even before the dementia she didn’t care that I’d have to drive an hour each way several times a month to help her with something (I’ve since moved her closer) and she has never respected my time or my efforts. Years ago I mentioned how my work was suffering due to all the time I had to spend taking care of her and she told me I should quit my job. I’m a single mom with a single income. Zero empathy. Never had it, still doesn’t have it.

Selfish people are going to be selfish. The last eight years of my life have been spent managing my mom’s life, even when she was fully capable of managing her own affairs. The last two years she’s been more than a full time job. It’s a million times harder than raising kids and way less rewarding. My life is on hold. Her needs are being met while mine aren’t a consideration.

Since this is an anonymous forum I can admit that sometimes I find myself so envious of my friends whose parents turned into sweet old people, or those whose parents died suddenly or after a short illness.

OP here. Exactly this, and I’m so sorry. What I see in you is a kind, thoughtful person who is being taken advantage of. As you said, your mother was like this prior. It is people like us, who the selfish come to to try and take advantage of. Setting boundaries is hard but necessary. Are you in a state that has elder laws that will hold you accountable for setting boundaries? If so, get a social worker on board who specialize in elders so you will not get yourself into trouble by setting those boundaries. I cannot begin to tell you how my (now deceased) father destroyed things for my mother by refusing to leave the home and downsize when it was appropriate. Even when he was so weak he could not get out of bed, he would demand my mother pull him up - my mother is disabled. My sister ended up moving in to help (they live hours by plane from me) and that enabled him more. When he passed, they were forced to sell at a cheap price because his poor decisions left my mother financially devastated. My mother is now in assisted living and almost completely wheelchair-bound. My sister, with my encouragement, has learned to say “Mom, you pay for that kind of help - please do not demand that I do it instead”.

I beg you to be meaner, to be more selfish, to keep your child sheltered from this. It can and will destroy your own life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nothing you describe is “mean” or malicious. It’s just not putting you and your feelings first (rightly or wrongly) and that clearly pushes your buttons. I’d sit and have a think about how I see the world if I were you.

Yes it is. The neighbor is a millionaire and being absolutely petty about someone doing her a favor and mailing something for her. She must think the world revolves around her and people owe her favors instead of using her money to hire help.

I have a neighbor like this who is in her late 80’s or early 90’s. She is exceedingly wealthy yet she makes her son who is in his 60’s come and do her yard work every Friday. When he has surgery she made other relatives come and mow the lawn.