FYI: Every elderly person doesn’t behave badly just because they are sad or adjusting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing you describe is “mean” or malicious. It’s just not putting you and your feelings first (rightly or wrongly) and that clearly pushes your buttons. I’d sit and have a think about how I see the world if I were you.

Yes it is. The neighbor is a millionaire and being absolutely petty about someone doing her a favor and mailing something for her. She must think the world revolves around her and people owe her favors instead of using her money to hire help.

I have a neighbor like this who is in her late 80’s or early 90’s. She is exceedingly wealthy yet she makes her son who is in his 60’s come and do her yard work every Friday. When he has surgery she made other relatives come and mow the lawn.

OP here. And the thing is, I was going to the post office anyway and would have gladly mailed it. It was the set of instructions and the ‘no machines’ directive

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing you describe is “mean” or malicious. It’s just not putting you and your feelings first (rightly or wrongly) and that clearly pushes your buttons. I’d sit and have a think about how I see the world if I were you.

Yes it is. The neighbor is a millionaire and being absolutely petty about someone doing her a favor and mailing something for her. She must think the world revolves around her and people owe her favors instead of using her money to hire help.

I have a neighbor like this who is in her late 80’s or early 90’s. She is exceedingly wealthy yet she makes her son who is in his 60’s come and do her yard work every Friday. When he has surgery she made other relatives come and mow the lawn.

OP here. And the thing is, I was going to the post office anyway and would have gladly mailed it. It was the set of instructions and the ‘no machines’ directive

Hahaha…I have a parent like this. Parent was always very controlling toward everyone, including spouse who is now primary caregiver. The no machines directive is an attempt to control. People either call my parent out or avoid them due to this behavior. I’ve made it clear if parent wants my help I’m doing it in the manner most convenient for me. Set your boundaries…I had to learn this. Caregiver parent also takes advantage. I only help with clear boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing you describe is “mean” or malicious. It’s just not putting you and your feelings first (rightly or wrongly) and that clearly pushes your buttons. I’d sit and have a think about how I see the world if I were you.

Yes it is. The neighbor is a millionaire and being absolutely petty about someone doing her a favor and mailing something for her. She must think the world revolves around her and people owe her favors instead of using her money to hire help.

I have a neighbor like this who is in her late 80’s or early 90’s. She is exceedingly wealthy yet she makes her son who is in his 60’s come and do her yard work every Friday. When he has surgery she made other relatives come and mow the lawn.

OP here. And the thing is, I was going to the post office anyway and would have gladly mailed it. It was the set of instructions and the ‘no machines’ directive

Hahaha…I have a parent like this. Parent was always very controlling toward everyone, including spouse who is now primary caregiver. The no machines directive is an attempt to control. People either call my parent out or avoid them due to this behavior. I’ve made it clear if parent wants my help I’m doing it in the manner most convenient for me. Set your boundaries…I had to learn this. Caregiver parent also takes advantage. I only help with clear boundaries.

Setting boundaries really can with these types! I have a parent who is similar and they know that I’m going to take the convenient flight rather than the one that saves $100, that I’ll let them know if the temperature in the house is uncomfortable and expect it to be adjusted, that I’ll go out and get good coffee if what they have in the house is swill.

If your neighbor starts issuing post office directions, just say “I’ll be using the machines, would you like me to mail the package or not?” And then move on. You can’t expect them to proactively care about your comfort or convenience, but you can control what you offer and do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing you describe is “mean” or malicious. It’s just not putting you and your feelings first (rightly or wrongly) and that clearly pushes your buttons. I’d sit and have a think about how I see the world if I were you.

Yes it is. The neighbor is a millionaire and being absolutely petty about someone doing her a favor and mailing something for her. She must think the world revolves around her and people owe her favors instead of using her money to hire help.

I have a neighbor like this who is in her late 80’s or early 90’s. She is exceedingly wealthy yet she makes her son who is in his 60’s come and do her yard work every Friday. When he has surgery she made other relatives come and mow the lawn.

OP here. And the thing is, I was going to the post office anyway and would have gladly mailed it. It was the set of instructions and the ‘no machines’ directive

Hahaha…I have a parent like this. Parent was always very controlling toward everyone, including spouse who is now primary caregiver. The no machines directive is an attempt to control. People either call my parent out or avoid them due to this behavior. I’ve made it clear if parent wants my help I’m doing it in the manner most convenient for me. Set your boundaries…I had to learn this. Caregiver parent also takes advantage. I only help with clear boundaries.

Setting boundaries really can with these types! I have a parent who is similar and they know that I’m going to take the convenient flight rather than the one that saves $100, that I’ll let them know if the temperature in the house is uncomfortable and expect it to be adjusted, that I’ll go out and get good coffee if what they have in the house is swill.

If your neighbor starts issuing post office directions, just say “I’ll be using the machines, would you like me to mail the package or not?” And then move on. You can’t expect them to proactively care about your comfort or convenience, but you can control what you offer and do.

This is the way! Excellent advice.

[Anonymous]

My mom has always been difficult and dysfunctional as a result of childhood trauma and marriage to my abusive dad. We’re coddling her so she can finally have years without suffering, but she’s making it so difficult. She says horrible things because of the dementia, but she said horrible things when she was 40. I tell my kids all the time, don’t do this for me. Walk away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing you describe is “mean” or malicious. It’s just not putting you and your feelings first (rightly or wrongly) and that clearly pushes your buttons. I’d sit and have a think about how I see the world if I were you.

Yes it is. The neighbor is a millionaire and being absolutely petty about someone doing her a favor and mailing something for her. She must think the world revolves around her and people owe her favors instead of using her money to hire help.

I have a neighbor like this who is in her late 80’s or early 90’s. She is exceedingly wealthy yet she makes her son who is in his 60’s come and do her yard work every Friday. When he has surgery she made other relatives come and mow the lawn.

OP here. And the thing is, I was going to the post office anyway and would have gladly mailed it. It was the set of instructions and the ‘no machines’ directive

Hahaha…I have a parent like this. Parent was always very controlling toward everyone, including spouse who is now primary caregiver. The no machines directive is an attempt to control. People either call my parent out or avoid them due to this behavior. I’ve made it clear if parent wants my help I’m doing it in the manner most convenient for me. Set your boundaries…I had to learn this. Caregiver parent also takes advantage. I only help with clear boundaries.

Setting boundaries really can with these types! I have a parent who is similar and they know that I’m going to take the convenient flight rather than the one that saves $100, that I’ll let them know if the temperature in the house is uncomfortable and expect it to be adjusted, that I’ll go out and get good coffee if what they have in the house is swill.

If your neighbor starts issuing post office directions, just say “I’ll be using the machines, would you like me to mail the package or not?” And then move on. You can’t expect them to proactively care about your comfort or convenience, but you can control what you offer and do.

This is the way! Excellent advice.

This. I have a parent like too. If you feel annoyed it's a sign you need better boundaries. You give her a choice. If she gets ornery and hostile because you won't do things exactly her way, don't offer again. Let her be angry with you and know you tried to be helpful.

My mother actually threw a fit at a neighbor. That woman yelled right back at her and read her the riot act. Mom was pissed, but she never messed with er again. Shew preys on the ones who are afraid of her instead. I don't recommend yelling, but I do recommend calmly and firmly having boundaries.

[Anonymous]

More than one thing can be true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people are just a--holes.
Doesn’t change when they get old.

X1000000

It gets much (much) worse with age.

OP, thank you for raising the issue, and giving every day examples. Just because one is old does not (ever) give them carte blanche to treat anyone horribly.

I am not one on one with my MIL, ever. She will literally corner you and accuse and/or berate you if given the chance - should she arbitrarily (!!!) decide to. We ask her for nothing (never have), and we “yes” everything she says/asks/proposes no matter how off course, because otherwise she will come at you/for you, and the hurt she inflicts is just not worth it. SIL has the same traits, and we see the behaviors starting.

If someone has not seen it IRL, they would not know, because she looks like a tiny, mild mannered old person. Not so, at all, sadly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think most people should be on anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds after the age of 70. Maybe not all, but most.

I can rattle off at least 6 older people in my family whose dispositions would improve in very positive ways if they did that.

+1

Totally agree!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think most people should be on anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds after the age of 70. Maybe not all, but most.

I can rattle off at least 6 older people in my family whose dispositions would improve in very positive ways if they did that.

Yes! Also I think more elderly have undiagnosed cognitive decline than we realize. I also think this decline starts way earlier than anyone realizes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think most people should be on anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds after the age of 70. Maybe not all, but most.

I can rattle off at least 6 older people in my family whose dispositions would improve in very positive ways if they did that.

Yes! Also I think more elderly have undiagnosed cognitive decline than we realize. I also think this decline starts way earlier than anyone realizes.

So true - but in most cases, their stubbornness just keeps putting them in terrible (often dangerous - driving, for one!) situations. Lack of appropriate meds notwithstanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think most people should be on anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds after the age of 70. Maybe not all, but most.

I can rattle off at least 6 older people in my family whose dispositions would improve in very positive ways if they did that.

Yes! Also I think more elderly have undiagnosed cognitive decline than we realize. I also think this decline starts way earlier than anyone realizes.

So true - but in most cases, their stubbornness just keeps putting them in terrible (often dangerous - driving, for one!) situations. Lack of appropriate meds notwithstanding.

PP quoted about undiagnosed cognitive decline: in Virginia, VIA DMV, there is an anonymous “medical review” report that can filed for the elderly DL to be suspended/revoked! You complete the form and indicate your concerns and submit. Obviously a legal form and so you attest that all is true and correct. DMV will call you to interview you for more details then a packet of info is mailed to the driver requiring medical review by doctor(s). Driver has 30 days to complete and resubmit. Most can’t or won’t do the follow up and then DL revoked.

[Anonymous]

Info re: DL

Purpose: Use this form to request the Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) to conduct a medical review of a
licensed driver.
Instructions: Print or type all information. Complete form in its entirety. Mail completed form to Medical Review
Services at the above address, or fax to Medical Review Services at 1-804-367-1604.
DRIVER INFORMATION
REQUESTER INFORMATION
Based on my observation, I believe the driver named above should be given the following tests:
I understand that the Department of Motor Vehicles may have additional requirements.
CONTACT INFORMATION/NOTICE
If you have questions, contact Medical Review Services at:
1-804-367-6203 (Voice)
1-800-272-9268 (Deaf or Hearing Impaired Only)
1-804-367-1604 (Fax)
Virginia Code § 46.2-322 provides that if the driver submits a written request,
DMV will furnish the reasons for the examination, including the identity of
anyone who supplied information regarding fitness to drive a motor vehicle.
However, this law states that the DMV cannot provide the information if the
source is a relative or licensed medical professional treating the driver.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing you describe is “mean” or malicious. It’s just not putting you and your feelings first (rightly or wrongly) and that clearly pushes your buttons. I’d sit and have a think about how I see the world if I were you.

Yes it is. The neighbor is a millionaire and being absolutely petty about someone doing her a favor and mailing something for her. She must think the world revolves around her and people owe her favors instead of using her money to hire help.

I have a neighbor like this who is in her late 80’s or early 90’s. She is exceedingly wealthy yet she makes her son who is in his 60’s come and do her yard work every Friday. When he has surgery she made other relatives come and mow the lawn.

How do you make people do these things?