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[quote=Anonymous]Background:

My DH has had anger and mental health issues on and off.

Last year he accused me of trying to kill him, assaulting him, etc. He threatened me with police, lawyers, restraining orders, divorce, public humiliation, torching my property, contacting my colleagues, etc.

We separated for a period. He refused individual therapy during this time. He harassed me with accusations and threats during the separation. I did not want to divorce when he was that escalated, as I thought a high conflict divorce would be very negative for me and the kids. Occasionally he behaved normally, and in fact many times after exploding with rage would go back to normal within minutes as if nothing happened.

We got a new marriage therapist in August. He cancelled the first session but then reluctantly went. Ranted about divorce the whole time. The guy calmly told him to go ahead. On the way home he started crying and said he didn’t want to get divorced.

We continued therapy. He calmed down a lot. He still had rage explosions but maybe monthly instead of several times a week. He was suddenly much more reasonable. He started therapy.

I was skeptical at first, but the more he stayed this way, the more I realized that he could control his behavior. The odd thing was that whenever he was called out or asked to make some effort for the relationship that he didn’t want to do, the accusations and threats came back. Like we would be talking about a more equal schedule, and suddenly he would come up with a bizarre violent thing I supposedly said or did.

Finally I confronted him about this and told him that if he really thought I did these terrible things he should get a divorce or call the police. Not sit in counseling. He stopped. He also apologized for his threats (about two months ago).

Current situation:

After the holidays, we had a therapy session that was terrible. He accused me of traumatizing the kids and ranted with anger. Would not let me speak. I asked him at the end if he would agree to show me a credit card statement that was several thousands of dollars more than usual. He refused and got even more angry and accusatory. I asked because his behavior the past month has been off. He’s hot and cold. Suspect he is moving money and maybe meeting with lawyers for a divorce.

Therapist said he needed to meet with us individually and asked us to sign releases so he could talk with our individual therapists.

What can I possibly tell the therapist that would be helpful here? I feel so frustrated and at my wits end in sessions. When he starts accusing me I am upset (last year, one of the accusations ended with a false assault charge that I had to clear in court). Knowing he most likely doesn’t believe what he says but is just trying to malign me to “win” some advantage or scare me is awful. But I feel like arguing or defending just makes things worse. And I worry that airing my side of the story makes me sound combative or defensive.

Obviously this is a miserable situation and I need to leave. I was hoping he might get treatment and we could try to talk things out. But my hopes of this are dimming. We have two young kids. I was also hoping I could stick it out for at least a few more years until the youngest is a bit older and more independent. He is a bit narcissistic with them — sometimes very warm and attentive, showering with gifts, but he does not like to do the work of parenting. He is very obviously going through a midlife crisis and spends evenings away from the house every week.

I’d be particularly interested in hearing from any therapists out there.[/quote]

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