Dealing with abuse by a mentally ill family member

[Anonymous]

I’m hoping there is someone out there with a family member who has mental illness, or is in a similar situation because of dementia or other cognitive impairments.

How do I deal with the emotions from being verbally abused by a mentally ill family member? Unfortunately this person is relatively independent and coherent, so her words hurt in a way that a string of random garbled things would not.

I’ve posted about this relative before, but the short version is that we have been no-contact with her for many years. She uses blocked phone numbers and third parties to find our phone numbers and emails and leaves horrible emails and voice mails, and sometimes send disturbing (but legal) packages. She does so from outside the legal jurisdiction in which we live and in perfect circumvention of various digital harassment laws, so we have not yet been able to stop her.

So…legality and logistics aside, how do you manage hearing and seeing horrible things about you? I know rationally that this person is mentally ill, but the words she says are not random and are said with intent and specificity. She takes my worst vulnerabilities and uses them in horrible ways.

I know that what she says about me comes from a place of deep illness and brokenness, but hearing and seeing these words is breaking me. And because someone will ask: we’ve tried everything short of the witness protection program and actual name changes to stop the harassment.

Does anyone have techniques they’ve employed to survive this kind of situation?

[Anonymous]

Have you kept evidence (voicemails, etc) saved? You might be able to get a PPO.

[Anonymous]

Why don’t you just change your phone number and email? Have mail delivered to a PO Box?

[Anonymous]

Delete stuff without listening or reading. As soon as you realize it is her. Of course, save/store it for legal reasons if you need to do so, but it sounds like you have explored this already.

[Anonymous]

I have a family member like this. Save the van/email and call Adult Protective Services to say you are concerned about the mental state if you think it is disturbing enough to warrant a mental health evaluation.

Also we were told there were legal options. I am surprised I. Your case there are not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you just change your phone number and email? Have mail delivered to a PO Box?

+1.

And you can program your phone to only accepts calls or texts from known numbers. I feel badly for you as this is obviously painful, but how are messages, etc. still getting through? At this point you shouldn't be opening any unknown mail or packages and ditto with texts and emails.

[Anonymous]

Is this the weird stalking aunt?

I recall one problem with that situation was that family members would give her OP's contact info, by accident or inattention.

So when she calls, she calls from numbers that do not appear to be her own? Same for emails? Offensive mail and packages do not have a return address you can recognize?

[Anonymous]

NAMI family groups may be a source of support but it sounds like there may also be legal steps you can take based on others' experiences? I'm so sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you kept evidence (voicemails, etc) saved? You might be able to get a PPO.

We save everything but can’t get a PPO because the incidents originate from either another country or another state depending on time of year and have not yet involved a direct threat of violence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Is this the weird stalking aunt?

I recall one problem with that situation was that family members would give her OP's contact info, by accident or inattention.

So when she calls, she calls from numbers that do not appear to be her own? Same for emails? Offensive mail and packages do not have a return address you can recognize?

For emails and packages, we believe that she gets info when visiting older relatives and likely “borrows”
iPads and phones to get changing address info.

I don’t know the stalking aunt story, but yes, she uses spoofed numbers and blocked numbers. We do have to check blocked number vms and some spoofed number vms because we have certain colleagues that have to use blocked numbers and the spoofed number calls are often our local area code or our parents’ and resembled medical centers or other places that we receive calls from.

The packages are always sent anonymously but with “inside jokes” on the gift message so we know it’s from her. For example, she’s had rude/obscene, custom things printed by Etsy makers. She’s sent us dog feces via companies that are somehow allowed to do it as long as they package it with tons of glitter and “cute” packaging and label it as “for humor purposes only”.

[Anonymous]

I would start answering her calls with an air horn.

Sorry, op—this sounds like it really sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Is this the weird stalking aunt?

I recall one problem with that situation was that family members would give her OP's contact info, by accident or inattention.

So when she calls, she calls from numbers that do not appear to be her own? Same for emails? Offensive mail and packages do not have a return address you can recognize?

For emails and packages, we believe that she gets info when visiting older relatives and likely “borrows”
iPads and phones to get changing address info.

I don’t know the stalking aunt story, but yes, she uses spoofed numbers and blocked numbers. We do have to check blocked number vms and some spoofed number vms because we have certain colleagues that have to use blocked numbers and the spoofed number calls are often our local area code or our parents’ and resembled medical centers or other places that we receive calls from.

The packages are always sent anonymously but with “inside jokes” on the gift message so we know it’s from her. For example, she’s had rude/obscene, custom things printed by Etsy makers. She’s sent us dog feces via companies that are somehow allowed to do it as long as they package it with tons of glitter and “cute” packaging and label it as “for humor purposes only”.

I can see how that would wear on you, OP. Does she do this to other people? If she's ignored for a sufficiently long time, do you think she will get bored and move on?

When you pick up the phone, don't say anything. Wait for someone to say hello. Then if you recognize her voice, play a recorded message of your choice that may throw her off. "This phone number is unavailable" or something. You can block the emails and texts as they arrive without reading too much. That's what I do for spam anyway - I have to do that regularly.

Or if you're desperate, change your number and email address, and only give it out to a trusted cousin, who will act as a relay for you to hear the family news. Never use the new contact to communicate with your other relatives.

For the packages... I think you trash any package or letter that does not have a return address you recognize. I receive tons of packages and always check the names on it, because our postman has mixed up neighbors' mail, and I don't want to open my neighbor's by mistake. I check the sender as well, because I triage according to what I expect it is (some gardening and food has to be dealt with immediately, clothes can stay a while, gifts for my kids need to be hidden, that sort of thing). Trash immediately in the outdoor trash if it's something you don't recognize.

Sorry you're dealing with this.

[Anonymous]

Wow, that’s alot. Have you tried CBT therapy? My understanding is that the focus of that therapy is learning to manage your own reactions. It may give you the tools and skills you need to face this onslaught. Meditation may be useful to you as well.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It must have you on edge all the time.

[Anonymous]

I also have a situation like this with a family member saying false things about me that she means to be hurtful. She makes these remarks not only to me but to family members, friends, and random professionals involved with a will/trust type situation. Luckily, the professionals she has said things to realize that something is not right with her so they don’t take her comments seriously.

It has been suggested to me that she has some kind of personality disorder rather than a mental illness. Your post makes me wonder if she is cognitively declining- that might explain some of her more out-there behaviors

I don’t have any practical advice for you, OP, to stop these attacks. All you really can do is mentally get in a place where you don’t allow this person’s words or actions to have any effect on you. Easier said than done, I completely understand. It hurts in the moment, but you just have to keep telling yourself that this person has serious problems that have nothing to do with you. I like to imagine a “wall” in my mind that keeps the person’s words and actions apart from my feelings.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP, and sending best wishes for a good resolution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Is this the weird stalking aunt?

I recall one problem with that situation was that family members would give her OP's contact info, by accident or inattention.

So when she calls, she calls from numbers that do not appear to be her own? Same for emails? Offensive mail and packages do not have a return address you can recognize?

For emails and packages, we believe that she gets info when visiting older relatives and likely “borrows”
iPads and phones to get changing address info.

I don’t know the stalking aunt story, but yes, she uses spoofed numbers and blocked numbers. We do have to check blocked number vms and some spoofed number vms because we have certain colleagues that have to use blocked numbers and the spoofed number calls are often our local area code or our parents’ and resembled medical centers or other places that we receive calls from.

The packages are always sent anonymously but with “inside jokes” on the gift message so we know it’s from her. For example, she’s had rude/obscene, custom things printed by Etsy makers. She’s sent us dog feces via companies that are somehow allowed to do it as long as they package it with tons of glitter and “cute” packaging and label it as “for humor purposes only”.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I agree with others that you can tighten up some practices to avoid exposure to gifts and communications altogether. Don't open packages you didn't order or you aren't expecting/don't know who they are from.

Get a second phone and separate your phone usage. The second phone number is your work/services phone. That number can be given to colleagues, service providers, the pharmacy, etc. Don't ever give that number to any family member so you know you can safely check those messages. Or tell your family that you don't check voicemail and then delete them without listening/checking.

I also think you should get some therapy. I can't quite tell if part of your issue is that you're hoping this family member gets well and you are able to have a relationship or that this just eats at you. Both are normal emotions. If I'm being totally honest I get the impression that you have difficulty trashing the packages/deleting unheard voicemails, etc. You need to get to a point where you can mentally do that and not wonder if finally your family member has gotten well.