Dealing with abuse by a mentally ill family member

[Anonymous]

Wow, OP here and I am grateful to the thoughtful replies. I never considered CBT for this situation but it absolutely would be helpful. The constant stress of waiting for another surprise takes its toll and it would be helpful to have actual tools for dealing with that anxiety. I want to reiterate that we have zero contact with this person and have not for a decade, and we have zero desire to ever see her again. Ever. There is absolutely no wishful thinking apart from the stupid hope that we could be free of her.

I also appreciate the suggestion to have dual phones. In all of our years of changing contact info we somehow never considered that and I think it makes the most sense. Then we can treat our “family” phone as essentially a burner phone.

The package thing is more complicated because we do receive plenty of surprise packages from family friends and relatives for my children. But I wonder if I could hire one of our babysitters to open packages from Etsy or unknown senders every 6 weeks or so?

I appreciate all of these concrete suggestions. When we are in the midst of these “attacks” it is really hard to step away from our emotions and look at the situation in practical ways. Having you kind PPs to sort through this for me is a huge help.

[Anonymous]

Is she mentally ill or just really vengeful about something?

Have you tried humiliating her? Sounds terrible but have you put her on blast on social media and group texts?

[Anonymous]

what's missing here. What disorder does she have?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, OP here and I am grateful to the thoughtful replies. I never considered CBT for this situation but it absolutely would be helpful. The constant stress of waiting for another surprise takes its toll and it would be helpful to have actual tools for dealing with that anxiety. I want to reiterate that we have zero contact with this person and have not for a decade, and we have zero desire to ever see her again. Ever. There is absolutely no wishful thinking apart from the stupid hope that we could be free of her.

I also appreciate the suggestion to have dual phones. In all of our years of changing contact info we somehow never considered that and I think it makes the most sense. Then we can treat our “family” phone as essentially a burner phone.

The package thing is more complicated because we do receive plenty of surprise packages from family friends and relatives for my children. But I wonder if I could hire one of our babysitters to open packages from Etsy or unknown senders every 6 weeks or so?

I appreciate all of these concrete suggestions. When we are in the midst of these “attacks” it is really hard to step away from our emotions and look at the situation in practical ways. Having you kind PPs to sort through this for me is a huge help.

Surely your family knows the situation and can stop sending surprise packages. Also, they can learn to correctly write their return address. Unless she sends boxes in their name?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:what's missing here. What disorder does she have?

She’s been in and out of the hospital for mental illness and emergency situations but my ILs are very secretive. I know that she has sometimes received treatment and medication for depression, and borderline personality disorder was first diagnosed ~20 years ago and that seems like the best explanation for what we experience at a distance. I don’t know what she is like day-to-day so there may be more to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, OP here and I am grateful to the thoughtful replies. I never considered CBT for this situation but it absolutely would be helpful. The constant stress of waiting for another surprise takes its toll and it would be helpful to have actual tools for dealing with that anxiety. I want to reiterate that we have zero contact with this person and have not for a decade, and we have zero desire to ever see her again. Ever. There is absolutely no wishful thinking apart from the stupid hope that we could be free of her.

I also appreciate the suggestion to have dual phones. In all of our years of changing contact info we somehow never considered that and I think it makes the most sense. Then we can treat our “family” phone as essentially a burner phone.

The package thing is more complicated because we do receive plenty of surprise packages from family friends and relatives for my children. But I wonder if I could hire one of our babysitters to open packages from Etsy or unknown senders every 6 weeks or so?

I appreciate all of these concrete suggestions. When we are in the midst of these “attacks” it is really hard to step away from our emotions and look at the situation in practical ways. Having you kind PPs to sort through this for me is a huge help.

Surely your family knows the situation and can stop sending surprise packages. Also, they can learn to correctly write their return address. Unless she sends boxes in their name?

Unfortunately there are plenty of people who don’t know all the details of our situation and send packages directly from companies or places like Etsy so it’s hard to guess at what every single package might be. Family is great about waiting for in-person gifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she mentally ill or just really vengeful about something?

Have you tried humiliating her? Sounds terrible but have you put her on blast on social media and group texts?

Our worst impulse is to do something like this but she lives with the relatives she lives with now and we do not want to put them in the situation of facing her retaliation if we exposed more of her behavior. They are older and vulnerable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:what's missing here. What disorder does she have?

She’s been in and out of the hospital for mental illness and emergency situations but my ILs are very secretive. I know that she has sometimes received treatment and medication for depression, and borderline personality disorder was first diagnosed ~20 years ago and that seems like the best explanation for what we experience at a distance. I don’t know what she is like day-to-day so there may be more to it.

Does she harass others or just you? What set her off to target you?

I'm curious about the restraint order problem. Why can't you get one exactly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:what's missing here. What disorder does she have?

She’s been in and out of the hospital for mental illness and emergency situations but my ILs are very secretive. I know that she has sometimes received treatment and medication for depression, and borderline personality disorder was first diagnosed ~20 years ago and that seems like the best explanation for what we experience at a distance. I don’t know what she is like day-to-day so there may be more to it.

Does she harass others or just you? What set her off to target you?

I'm curious about the restraint order problem. Why can't you get one exactly?

For harassment that is not in-person in our state, she would have to threaten violence and then we would have to press charges in our state but find a judge in hers to serve the order of protection (lawyer people, forgive me, I am paraphrasing from our attorney and might have missed a step or the person that services the order). It is extra complicated because she spends a lot of time in another country and some of her harassment originates from there.

We (DH and I) are her main target but my MIL sometimes is targeted by her rages. She does not have any friends and most relatives avoid her, so I don’t know if we are the target due to lack or other options or because of something else.

[Anonymous]

You sound like you’re writing a smear piece about an ex wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Is this the weird stalking aunt?

I recall one problem with that situation was that family members would give her OP's contact info, by accident or inattention.

So when she calls, she calls from numbers that do not appear to be her own? Same for emails? Offensive mail and packages do not have a return address you can recognize?

Whoever in the family that is doing that, thinks it’s funny or whatever, also needs to be cut off

[Anonymous]

Change your number and email. Give it to one family member at a time. Or create multiple separate email accounts and give one to each family member. See which one she ends up using. Give the two elderly people she lives with the same address. They are probably asking her for help when they send you stuff and that’s how she keeps getting your info.

you are a saint for dealing with this peacefully. Circle back if she ever gets her own place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Change your number and email. Give it to one family member at a time. Or create multiple separate email accounts and give one to each family member. See which one she ends up using. Give the two elderly people she lives with the same address. They are probably asking her for help when they send you stuff and that’s how she keeps getting your info.

you are a saint for dealing with this peacefully. Circle back if she ever gets her own place.

This you need to firewall your life from her.

You can create Google voice numbers along with emails, and I would give only that to relatives.

As for packages from unknown senders, I would just return all to sender. If you move, buy with an anonymous trust and do not give to ANYONE in family.

So sorry

[Anonymous]

Many you give your family member material to work with. Here is a sample of what you have written so far:

- “hire a baby sitter to open unknown packages.”
- “short of the witness protection program” - <short of> “ name changes to stop the harassment. “

You have to agree that you appear dramatic. Your airing this business on a public forum also points to attention seeking behavior and a need for validation from strangers. The reason something “hurts you” is because her “specificity” may sound like the truth.

[Anonymous]

*maybe, not many