8 year old decided she likes dad more than me

[Anonymous]

So, I'm the primary parent, but DH is involved maybe 30% of the time. We both work FT but his job is more intense. I am point person for our toddler, so he is more with the 8 year old when he's parenting.

I feel like I don't get enough time with my older one - whenever I'm parenting, I have them both, and obviously the toddler needs a lot of attention. I do try to occasionally take just the older one out, but it's hard, because DH doesn't really like the toddler age.

My kid, however, has been more and more focused on her dad. She looks a lot like him, so she says they are twins. If we're watching a movie or out to eat, she and her sister fight over who gets to sit next to him. If we are playing a game, they fight over who is on his team. They want him to take them to school and pick them up. When I was going to buy family pajamas, the older one said she only wanted her and her dad to match, and the toddler and I should have a different design. The toddler cried and also wanted to match dad.

I think generally the toddler is just copying her older sister (she copies her in everything) - otherwise she seems equally attached to us both. But the older one truly prefers DH.

I did go on a mother-daughter vacation with my older girl, and right after she said "When do I get to go just with dad?" So, we planned a father-daughter trip, they just got back and she's asking when she gets to go again. I said we'd probably go just the two of us next (whenever the next trip is), and she got upset.

Today she sat there for half an hour making an elaborate card and gift for her dad and nothing for me.

DH and I have tried to tell her it's not nice or fair to do this - just like she gets upset if she feels that we are favoring her little sister. But she disregards it totally. I do feel hurt and unloved, honestly, because 8 is such a magical age, and I want to enjoy it with her. I am kind of resentful at my DH that he refuses to do more with the toddler - maybe if I had spent more time with her over the past couple of years, she would love me. But at this point, even if he offers to watch the toddler, she doesn't want to be with me.

Any advice?

[Anonymous]

I think this is really natural and while it can sting, it's the adult's job to not take it personally. DD was obsessed with her dad from about 18 months - 3, and then switched it up and now says things like "I only love you, Mom." We put rails around the craziest stuff ('that's not true, you love Daddy too') and take turns doing bedtime vs. let her pick the favorite parent every night, but I'm sure she'll swing back to him, and then me again, and maybe again and again before she moves out.

Basically, make sure you're getting 1-on-1 time with your older kid, but don't let her wanting to sit next to dad during movies get to you. If she was fighting to sit next to you you wouldn't make a case of it, and she's allowed to have preferences (which can and will change).

[Anonymous]

Wow you are so sensitive

[Anonymous]

You need a weekly hot chocolate date with 8. And DH needs to talk you up to her and encourage her relationship with you. It's okay and even great that she likes him, but the two of you need a regular part of your relationship that's just fun rather than you pushing her through each day.

Come up with something you and 8 can do together that's special and done weekly just the two of you and inexpensive.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry OP. That’s hard.

She does love you, and it sounds like she does prefer your DH at this point. But also 8 year olds are paying attention to what bothers you, and while I doubt she’s trying to hurt your feelings, I’m guessing she may be enjoying
the feeling of power or control she has by expressing her preference and having you react.

How does your DH handle it? Is he enjoying being the preferred parent?

One thing you could try is not showing that your feelings are hurt, and not talking to her about your feelings. She says she prefers dad, that’s fine, no big deal. You can say to her, I get it that you’d rather be with dad now, but right now you and I are going to do (whatever it is). Taking some of the power out of the preference may make it lose some of its attraction for her.

I’d also try to plan some evens where she gets to choose what the 2 of you do - whether it’s the playground or the nail salon. You’re the one who takers her but it’s her choice of activity.

Dh is just going to have to suck it up and spend more time with your toddler.

[Anonymous]

This sounds hard OP. I promise your 8 year old loves you too. I think it is normal for kids to prefer the parent they have less time with. I think it is also normal for kids to prefer the parent they are with more. There really isn't a right or wrong when a kid prefers one parent over the other. Some of it may come from you necessarily having to parent the toddler more when you have both kids. If your DH could take both kids more that might help her see it isn't just mom who spends time with the toddler.

I wouldn't tell your daughter it is wrong to make a nice gift for dad and nothing for mom. I'd let her be and maybe say how wonderful it is that she has such a great dad who she loves so much. I understand your feelings are hurt (mine would be too), but your 8 year old is young and not trying to hurt you. I think it was a great idea to go on a trip just the two of you. Do that again, or go as a family but have DH on toddler duty more. You said he doesn't like the toddler stage much. Well, that is what happens when you make a baby, you get a toddler eventually. In other words, he needs to parent his toddler just like you do.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, her behavior is developmentally appropriate. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt/suck for you. What’s not appropriate is your DH deciding he doesn’t like the toddler stage so he doesn’t have to deal with it. Schedule weekly 1-1 time for you and the 8 year old and DH and the toddler. Could be as simple as a craft or reading together. Like 15-30 minutes. Beyond that, it’s just a stage you have to get through. But like PP said, don’t fight the little things. Your 8 year old is just exerting her autonomy - she doesn’t mean it personally. So don’t take it personally

[Anonymous]

You should be hurt, sad and intolerant with your DH's attitude of refusing to equally share care for your toddler.

Instead you are focused on appropriate feelings of an 8 year old.

Talk about misplaced emotions!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, I'm the primary parent, but DH is involved maybe 30% of the time. We both work FT but his job is more intense. I am point person for our toddler, so he is more with the 8 year old when he's parenting.

I feel like I don't get enough time with my older one - whenever I'm parenting, I have them both, and obviously the toddler needs a lot of attention. I do try to occasionally take just the older one out, but it's hard, because DH doesn't really like the toddler age.

My kid, however, has been more and more focused on her dad. She looks a lot like him, so she says they are twins. If we're watching a movie or out to eat, she and her sister fight over who gets to sit next to him. If we are playing a game, they fight over who is on his team. They want him to take them to school and pick them up. When I was going to buy family pajamas, the older one said she only wanted her and her dad to match, and the toddler and I should have a different design. The toddler cried and also wanted to match dad.

I think generally the toddler is just copying her older sister (she copies her in everything) - otherwise she seems equally attached to us both. But the older one truly prefers DH.

I did go on a mother-daughter vacation with my older girl, and right after she said "When do I get to go just with dad?" So, we planned a father-daughter trip, they just got back and she's asking when she gets to go again. I said we'd probably go just the two of us next (whenever the next trip is), and she got upset.

Today she sat there for half an hour making an elaborate card and gift for her dad and nothing for me.

DH and I have tried to tell her it's not nice or fair to do this - just like she gets upset if she feels that we are favoring her little sister. But she disregards it totally. I do feel hurt and unloved, honestly, because 8 is such a magical age, and I want to enjoy it with her. I am kind of resentful at my DH that he refuses to do more with the toddler - maybe if I had spent more time with her over the past couple of years, she would love me. But at this point, even if he offers to watch the toddler, she doesn't want to be with me.

Any advice?

I disagree with PPs. I think that is rude behavior and an 8 year old should be emotionally aware and empathetic enough to understand how their feelings impact others. It's not about the child preferring one parent, it's about how she chooses to express that preference and whether she's intentionally trying to hurt her mother's feelings. I can't tell from the OP whether she's exaggerating or minimizing, but these examples not only exclude the mom, but also will eventually exclude her sister. At face value, DD's behavior seems unkind and unempathetic. That behavior would cause problems with friends at school, and should be corrected at home so she learns before it becomes ingrained. She doesn't have to pretend to gush over her mom, but she should learn to check her responses so she's not having tantrums over spending time with her mother or hurting her little sister's feelings.

[Anonymous]

Its normal. He's not around enough and doesn't do the day to days stuff. Stick him with the toddler and go do fun stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, I'm the primary parent, but DH is involved maybe 30% of the time. We both work FT but his job is more intense. I am point person for our toddler, so he is more with the 8 year old when he's parenting.

I feel like I don't get enough time with my older one - whenever I'm parenting, I have them both, and obviously the toddler needs a lot of attention. I do try to occasionally take just the older one out, but it's hard, because DH doesn't really like the toddler age.

My kid, however, has been more and more focused on her dad. She looks a lot like him, so she says they are twins. If we're watching a movie or out to eat, she and her sister fight over who gets to sit next to him. If we are playing a game, they fight over who is on his team. They want him to take them to school and pick them up. When I was going to buy family pajamas, the older one said she only wanted her and her dad to match, and the toddler and I should have a different design. The toddler cried and also wanted to match dad.

I think generally the toddler is just copying her older sister (she copies her in everything) - otherwise she seems equally attached to us both. But the older one truly prefers DH.

I did go on a mother-daughter vacation with my older girl, and right after she said "When do I get to go just with dad?" So, we planned a father-daughter trip, they just got back and she's asking when she gets to go again. I said we'd probably go just the two of us next (whenever the next trip is), and she got upset.

Today she sat there for half an hour making an elaborate card and gift for her dad and nothing for me.

DH and I have tried to tell her it's not nice or fair to do this - just like she gets upset if she feels that we are favoring her little sister. But she disregards it totally. I do feel hurt and unloved, honestly, because 8 is such a magical age, and I want to enjoy it with her. I am kind of resentful at my DH that he refuses to do more with the toddler - maybe if I had spent more time with her over the past couple of years, she would love me. But at this point, even if he offers to watch the toddler, she doesn't want to be with me.

Any advice?

Change the bolded. Trade off with the toddler/older kid when you're both in the house. Do things with your 8 year old just the two of you, to keep that connection strong.

[Anonymous]

I used to tell people I was chopped liver to my kids.
I was a SAHM always around. Dad was working full time and doing a part time doctorate program.
Of course the kids preferred Dad! He was only around for fun, not the drudgery of the everyday.
It’s evened out with time; as the kids get older there’s less drudgery involved on all our parts. And Dad is around more now, so he isn’t just Disney Dad popping in from their perspective anymore.
It’s a phase.
You can laugh it off, or not. But fussing at your kids for their feelings isn’t going to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow you are so sensitive

Let's not gaslight the op. Op has feelings because she is human. Are you a bot?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, I'm the primary parent, but DH is involved maybe 30% of the time. We both work FT but his job is more intense. I am point person for our toddler, so he is more with the 8 year old when he's parenting.

I feel like I don't get enough time with my older one - whenever I'm parenting, I have them both, and obviously the toddler needs a lot of attention. I do try to occasionally take just the older one out, but it's hard, because DH doesn't really like the toddler age.

My kid, however, has been more and more focused on her dad. She looks a lot like him, so she says they are twins. If we're watching a movie or out to eat, she and her sister fight over who gets to sit next to him. If we are playing a game, they fight over who is on his team. They want him to take them to school and pick them up. When I was going to buy family pajamas, the older one said she only wanted her and her dad to match, and the toddler and I should have a different design. The toddler cried and also wanted to match dad.

I think generally the toddler is just copying her older sister (she copies her in everything) - otherwise she seems equally attached to us both. But the older one truly prefers DH.

I did go on a mother-daughter vacation with my older girl, and right after she said "When do I get to go just with dad?" So, we planned a father-daughter trip, they just got back and she's asking when she gets to go again. I said we'd probably go just the two of us next (whenever the next trip is), and she got upset.

Today she sat there for half an hour making an elaborate card and gift for her dad and nothing for me.

DH and I have tried to tell her it's not nice or fair to do this - just like she gets upset if she feels that we are favoring her little sister. But she disregards it totally. I do feel hurt and unloved, honestly, because 8 is such a magical age, and I want to enjoy it with her. I am kind of resentful at my DH that he refuses to do more with the toddler - maybe if I had spent more time with her over the past couple of years, she would love me. But at this point, even if he offers to watch the toddler, she doesn't want to be with me.

Any advice?

No child deserves to be given so much power by their mother. Please, start looking for a good therapist. Healthy parenting does not include looking to your child for affirmation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You should be hurt, sad and intolerant with your DH's attitude of refusing to equally share care for your toddler.

Instead you are focused on appropriate feelings of an 8 year old.

Talk about misplaced emotions!

OP here. Maybe you're right. However, I was the one who suggested to have a second kid (he agreed, but now regrets it). We agreed that I'd take care of the toddler more since he would have been happy with one. I don't mind, I love my toddler. I just didn't realize my relationship with my #1 would suffer as a result.