DH adult child of alcoholic/addict

[Anonymous]

I need advice. My DH is the adult child of an alcoholic/addict. His dad has been an alcoholic and addict since he was born and is quite abusive to his mother. MIL will not leave due to her social status and lifestyle. DH never told me about his dad. At our oldest child's baptism, his dad acted out (peed on our floor at a large family and friends party, banged his head badly on the brick patio, threw up all over our dining table) and it was brought up, but DH made it seem like it was "new" and related to his parents being displaced due to their home being flooded. MIL told me this Christmas that FIL has been this way since she was pregnant with my DH.

DH was super attentive, kind, communicative the first few years of our marriage and while we were dating. He went out of his way to take care of me, shower me with affection, and be loving. Since our four kids were born, DH is a very doting father but he is more like a roommate/friend. We have intimacy, but our communication is terrible and I don't really enjoy being around DH. My love language is quality time and he barely spends any time with me. He travels for work almost every week. He is super tired after the kids go to bed and usually goes to bed at the same time. When I wake up early or stay up late, I am by myself. He is not interested in the same things I am and I have taken up all his hobbies and sports so we can spend time together as a couple and a family.

I feel like DH never wants to talk to me about what is going on with him or our relationship. He is either overly attentive to me or he is critical. For example, I curse frequently as it's just my lexicon. He will correct me that he hates cursing and it is a trigger for him due to his dad. He will comment that I need time away from the family like his dad does. (I am an introvert and DH really wants family time 24-7 or to entertain. I have a demanding job and 4 kids under 12). DH will not initiate sex and waits for me to initiate because of how he was raised. This was an issue when we were dating and I wish I had ran, honestly. Would Al-anon help me understand my husband? He NEVER shared his dad was an addict when we were dating or moved in together and he is super defensive about it. FIL is in his late 70s and not going to change. DH does not have any issues with drugs or alcohol.

[Anonymous]

I’d cut the father out completely until he chooses to help himself.

You are contradicting yourself too

[Anonymous]

OP, you really need to be in individual therapy. Not sharing about abusive, alcoholic parent is a major betrayal/trauma, but also not that surprising for a adult kids of addicts. Al-anon can be helpful, but there is an antipathy in the Alcoholics Anonymous community to use of psychiatric meds, which is unfortunate because many people with serious substance abuse issues need medicine to help them quit or need medicine to help an underlying diagnosis that is driven by mental illness. For example, my MIL's alcoholism was driven by her undiagnosed bipolar depression. She was using alcohol to self-medicate in the absence of appropriate medical treatment.

One of the things I noticed when I was living with my now Ex DH in the environment of his mom's alcoholism is that ACOA have been taught by their upbringing to be comfortable creating their own life "for show". As long as things look good on the outside - nice wife, stable marriage, nice kids, etc. - they don't care about the reality underneath.

Again, you will need A long term relationship with your own therapist to navigate this - to be educated about the impact of parental alcoholism on the family system, how to communicate effectively, how to set appropriate boundaries, etc.

[Anonymous]

Read the book Codependent No More.

It’s about being in a relationship with an alcoholic. Though I read it for other codependency, not related to alcohol.

When you hear the full list of Cod. Behaviors, it sound like everybody in the world is.

Anyway, from your post, I’ll be honest, your DH sounds pretty normal. Some of what you post seems like it has nothing to do with alcoholic parents………just normal guy stuff.

But read the book and see if it applies.

[Anonymous]

I don't know about your DH but I was in a relationship with a man that was a child of an alcoholic. He was a dry drunk. Manipulative, secretive, inauthentic. You never knew who he really was and now that I've known him several decades he changes to fit his current relationship. So I don't even know if he has a true sense of self. Al-anon is a good resource to learn your boundaries.

[Anonymous]

OP I am also an adult child of an alcoholic and my mother was classic codependent.

I recommend to understand your husband better, you read this book, then give it to him and ask him to read it with the idea to discuss it together afterward.

https://www.amazon.com/Struggle-Intimacy-Adult-Children-Alcoholics/dp/0932194257/ref=asc_df_0932194257/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312407247347&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=10096255822285976866&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9002175&hvtargid=pla-448903853507&psc=1&mcid=1622eaa5582337039bae1d2fdd44866a&gclid=Cj0KCQiAhc-sBhCEARIsAOVwHuTfy9FW4poqyARRUvrD5L7KO8KUoLUNHA60uCdmpEAbHiqYpUUMNzEaAgyZEALw_wcB

There is hope, but you have to work hard on communication.

[Anonymous]

Ok. Based solely on your post here it sounds like you have a good husband and a somewhat normal marriage. A lot of people go into “roommate mode” when they have young kids, and you have 4. A lot of spouses turn a bit critical after many years. My DH can be very critical and his childhood was idyllic.

As someone who had a traumatic upbringing with a mentally ill parent, I sort of resent the implication that any and all issues in someone’s life are related to their parents and trauma. Sometimes, especially with therapy, you can rise above these issues. No, I didn’t really explain my parents’ problems to my DH when we got together because I didn’t even understand them or the extent of their mental illness- I wasn’t hiding anything. But this didn’t mean that my adult life and my marriage are doomed.

It sounds like you need individual therapy and you 100% need couples therapy. If DH appreciates the therapy he can do individual therapy too. Men are often resistant to therapy and you can’t do much about that.

And I’m sort of confused about what DH’s upbringing has to do with your sex life. If having to initiate was such a dealbreaker you shouldn’t have had 4 children with this man. It doesn’t even sound like he rejects you, just that you initiate.

And the cursing- DH has shared with you in plain language that the cursing bothers him and reminds him of his addict parent, and you disregard him and ignore his stated need. In your whole post, this is the only really bad partner behavior and it’s coming from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok. Based solely on your post here it sounds like you have a good husband and a somewhat normal marriage. A lot of people go into “roommate mode” when they have young kids, and you have 4. A lot of spouses turn a bit critical after many years. My DH can be very critical and his childhood was idyllic.

As someone who had a traumatic upbringing with a mentally ill parent, I sort of resent the implication that any and all issues in someone’s life are related to their parents and trauma. Sometimes, especially with therapy, you can rise above these issues. No, I didn’t really explain my parents’ problems to my DH when we got together because I didn’t even understand them or the extent of their mental illness- I wasn’t hiding anything. But this didn’t mean that my adult life and my marriage are doomed.

It sounds like you need individual therapy and you 100% need couples therapy. If DH appreciates the therapy he can do individual therapy too. Men are often resistant to therapy and you can’t do much about that.

And I’m sort of confused about what DH’s upbringing has to do with your sex life. If having to initiate was such a dealbreaker you shouldn’t have had 4 children with this man. It doesn’t even sound like he rejects you, just that you initiate.

And the cursing- DH has shared with you in plain language that the cursing bothers him and reminds him of his addict parent, and you disregard him and ignore his stated need. In your whole post, this is the only really bad partner behavior and it’s coming from you.

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