The reality your family members just aren’t good people

[Anonymous]

I am coming to the realization that my sibling and their spouse are not only bad parents but they really aren’t good people. They just don’t care about being bad parents or about having a toxic household. I just feel so awful for their kids who are so impacted by it all and who have major issues as teens. I used to go through mental hoops to try and find good intentions or misguided rational for how my sibling and spouse act and treat the kids but at the end of the day those are hollow. They could do a lot better but they choose not to.

It isn’t outright abuse that would warrant a CPS call. I try and tel myself other kids deal with worse but it is so hard to see their kids so impacted by their actions or lack thereof. I just feel so sad. I do what I can but they get very defensive at a point and then I get less contact with the kids.

This is more just about the reality that people you love really aren’t good people. It’s hard to accept.

[Anonymous]

You fancy yourself a good person? Who would post something like this? Just seeking clarity.

[Anonymous]

Examples needed, OP. No one is perfect.

[Anonymous]

Not much you can do other than support the kids if they come to you with anything

[Anonymous]

Op here. Of course no one is perfect.

It’s just hard to accept people don’t care about things they should care about. Their kids health and well-being being one.

I know there are lots of people in the world that aren’t good people or well intentioned. It’s just hard to accept when those people are in your family and know better.

We do have lots of family who support the kids but at the end of the day the kids want the love and approval and acceptance and care of their parents more than extended family. What we have done hasn’t been enough as the kids are a mess.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like teens have mental health issues and the parents are in denial or checked out.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you disagree with their dietary choices or screen time. Unless you explain your reasoning, it sounds like you are a person who has never had to parent teens and you are simply being smug.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like teens have mental health issues and the parents are in denial or checked out.

Actually I got the vibe it was probably related to screens and food

[Anonymous]

I understand OP. It’s very difficult.

[Anonymous]

I understand as well, OP. As a kid I realized my mother was simply not a good person and it was hard. And now Ive had to realize the same about my sibling. It really is difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Of course no one is perfect.

It’s just hard to accept people don’t care about things they should care about. Their kids health and well-being being one.

I know there are lots of people in the world that aren’t good people or well intentioned. It’s just hard to accept when those people are in your family and know better.

We do have lots of family who support the kids but at the end of the day the kids want the love and approval and acceptance and care of their parents more than extended family. What we have done hasn’t been enough as the kids are a mess.

Hard because that realization hit you in middle age?

My grandmother was a white supremacist (the European equivalent, at any rate). She wrote essays on the subject, and held forth at tea time, in her gentle, well-bred voice. I heard a lot of things growing up. I knew my family wasn't all good people, and since I knew this as a child, I had no sadness associated with separating and living my own life.

The kids will hopefully find a way, OP. They aren't done growing. What you're seeing now is perhaps not who they'll be later. My husband is an ex-child war refugee. You want to know what he went through? Successful adult now... with issues, but at least he's alive and in one piece.

[Anonymous]

We have a common family member it seems. Maybe you’re my spouse. In our family, are not bad people, they are just not equipped for the job they have. It’s sad for their kid. I worry for their future. They have set them up for a tough life.

It’s hard to swallow because you came from the same family with the same advantages and have wildly different priorities.

In our situation the parents should have recognized OBVIOUS developmental issues early on (speech and motor skills) and gotten help. We would have spent our last pennies to get help. They didn’t even try and left it to their crummy public school to deal with. Now they’re facing the consequences (social, emotional, and academic) and still doing nothing. Deep denial is the only excuse I can come up with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you disagree with their dietary choices or screen time. Unless you explain your reasoning, it sounds like you are a person who has never had to parent teens and you are simply being smug.

OP here. I have zero idea what sounded like dietary choices or screen time. I wish those were the issues. Just be thankful you can’t imagine problems beyond dietary and screen time. My post isn’t about laying out every issue - it is about accepting the hard reality of people close to you. I have rationalized their actions in so many ways but as the kids get older, the impact is compounded and it’s hard to see kids you love in such a toxic environment and accept that it is other people you love creating that toxicity and that their intentions aren’t good some of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Of course no one is perfect.

It’s just hard to accept people don’t care about things they should care about. Their kids health and well-being being one.

I know there are lots of people in the world that aren’t good people or well intentioned. It’s just hard to accept when those people are in your family and know better.

We do have lots of family who support the kids but at the end of the day the kids want the love and approval and acceptance and care of their parents more than extended family. What we have done hasn’t been enough as the kids are a mess.

Hard because that realization hit you in middle age?

My grandmother was a white supremacist (the European equivalent, at any rate). She wrote essays on the subject, and held forth at tea time, in her gentle, well-bred voice. I heard a lot of things growing up. I knew my family wasn't all good people, and since I knew this as a child, I had no sadness associated with separating and living my own life.

The kids will hopefully find a way, OP. They aren't done growing. What you're seeing now is perhaps not who they'll be later. My husband is an ex-child war refugee. You want to know what he went through? Successful adult now... with issues, but at least he's alive and in one piece.

I am middle aged but I think I have done mental gymnastics for years as a way to explain or find a good intention and it’s just past that now. You are right that lots of kids in really bad situations grow up and manage well. I really hope that is true for these kids as well.

[Anonymous]

OP, ignore the trolls. I completely understand where you are coming from. I am also reckoning with my sibling and their spouse are crap parents and have ruined the lives of their kids. Outsourced all special needs issues to the public school without trying to take the initiative to learn. Consumed way more resources on frivolous things. Always griping about meeeeeeeeeeee time. taking any neurodivergence issues in their kids as a personal attack instead of really trying to address the isssue. taking credit for the "good kids" behaviors while trashing the more challenging kid and blaming the behaviors on the kid.i could go on and on.

you can be there for thie kids when you see an opportunity but you can't rescue