The reality your family members just aren’t good people

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP. That’s tough. I learned recently that my dad is pretty abusive to my mom and I having similar feelings. I know my dad has had a very tough life so I have empathy for him but it’s still hard to reconcile.

[Anonymous]

My BIL and SIL aren’t bad people, they’re just clueless parents. Their elementary-aged children have cell phones, Apple Watches, iPads, switches, etc. and they value appearance/popularity over academics, etc. They also harp on their kids all the time- constantly correcting them, etc. I feel really badly for the kids who are really sweet and all they want is their parents’ attention. I fear for the teenage years. Our kids are 8-10 years older than their kids, so I know how hard the teen years are.

[Anonymous]

I totally get it. My mother takes advantage of others with ease and so does one of my siblings. They both are entitled and disrespectful to people they think are beneath them. My sister parentifies her daughters and manipulates them. Everything revolves around her mood swings and needs and they walk on eggshells. it's painful to watch. My sister was awful to their father and totally unethical in how she handled the divorce and then she tried to alienate them from him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like teens have mental health issues and the parents are in denial or checked out.

Actually I got the vibe it was probably related to screens and food

Oh, I am not getting a screens/food vibe off this.

Haven’t read further but would bet $100 it’s not that.

[Anonymous]

So what are they doing that is awful?

[Anonymous]

Is it possible they believe they are good people and just think that you are judgemental and perhaps ignorant of the specific needs and realities of their family?

[Anonymous]

This sounds more like a judgement on your part than them being actually bad (eg. CPS involved) parents.

When you have the luxury to stay home, buy organic, breast feed, not put your kid in daycare, can afford private school, etc… well, this are great choices. Not having these choices is different. This is not the same as beating your kids, keeping them locked in their rooms for days, not provided meals, refusing your kids cancer care. These are examples of “not good people”.,

The fact you’re being vague tells me you probably have a lot of privilege your family does not, likely due to marriage.

[Anonymous]

Let me guess OP, you dont have kids?

[Anonymous]

Hi OP I came to this conclusion after my parents not only didn't help me out but also told me to stay with an abusive XH and maintained contact with him instead of me. I tried to keep minimal contact for awhile but finally decided to estrange myself and told them so. Honestly, it was hard and I'm in therapy but at the same time it freed up some room in my brain I didn't realize I'd been letting live there for free - suddenly with both XH and parents out of my life there is no constantly critical voice telling me I suck and am unworthy.

[Anonymous]

I think many families have a certain level of toxicity, it’s just not always visible to outsiders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I totally get it. My mother takes advantage of others with ease and so does one of my siblings. They both are entitled and disrespectful to people they think are beneath them. My sister parentifies her daughters and manipulates them. Everything revolves around her mood swings and needs and they walk on eggshells. it's painful to watch. My sister was awful to their father and totally unethical in how she handled the divorce and then she tried to alienate them from him.

Op here. Yes this is similar in some ways. There is a lot of emotional and psychological abuse happening and an indifference to the needs of the kids now. I have rationalized over and over that they are doing their best but they aren’t. They are both educated and well employed professionals. They know better, they just seem to have shut off from caring about the kids and can be quite nasty now - lots of mocking them, oversharing and using them for whatever meets their own needs without much regard at all for the kids or the impact of their actions on them. The kids walk on eggshells and are always trying to avoid upsetting them and desperate for approval and love. Both now have their own big issues and they are still so young. They are seeing counsellors but have been told to only talk about school issues and not to talk to anyone about any home issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP I came to this conclusion after my parents not only didn't help me out but also told me to stay with an abusive XH and maintained contact with him instead of me. I tried to keep minimal contact for awhile but finally decided to estrange myself and told them so. Honestly, it was hard and I'm in therapy but at the same time it freed up some room in my brain I didn't realize I'd been letting live there for free - suddenly with both XH and parents out of my life there is no constantly critical voice telling me I suck and am unworthy.

I do find it is always on my mind. A combination of being worried about them all and being frustrated and upset with their actions. It stresses me out and I am not even in the house and. Or dealing with it first hand. Lots of family are slowly backing away as it’s exhausting and upsetting everyone.

[Anonymous]

That sounds awful OP.

Mine is my mother but she is most guilty of being shallow and unkind to others. She was fine as a mother to me, not amazing but not cruel or selfish either. But outside of our relationship she can be competitive with her friends, petty in general and casually racist. My dad is the silent stoic type, I think he gets the brunt of it. But he is also kind of elitist and not exactly a generous person. In sum my parents are not horrible people, but also not great ones.

[Anonymous]

NP and I totally get this OP. I understand the helpless feeling of watching a child suffer due to neglect or poor parenting. In my family’s case we called CPS multiple times on the parents and they did nothing. The baby is delayed due to alcohol or drug use during pregnancy and the parents just drive the kid around for hours in her dirty car seat. They also left her alone in the house when she was a year old. They are absolutely horrible people and I feel such guilt over this poor child’s life. But there is nothing we can do.

[Anonymous]

I've posted a little about my situation in the last month or so.

I don't want to make this long--the short story is my brother and SIL were not treating my niece well. I know this not just from my niece, but my brother and SIL.

We offered her a place to stay, and while she was mulling that over they kicked her out. So she's living with us for her last year of high school.

I've always had a good relationship with my brother, but I'm not going to continue the relationship with him past niceties because I do not want my niece to think what they did is okay. I have had to grieve the brother I thought I had, and that he will not be much in my life anymore. I'm doing a slow fade because I recognize that in the future, my niece might reconcile and I just want to be neutral if that happens, I don't want her to feel she has to take sides.

What I will say is, OP, if you can help any of these kids...just offer to have one over for the weekend. Just give them a break from their crazy situation.

Our youngest went away to college this fall, and I had a total of three days where DH and I thought we were empty nesters before this happened. It totally messed up our plans. And I feel bummed about that, but mostly feel good because we rescued this kid and she is going to be fine now; I can see that.