Dad using people to care for kid

[Anonymous]

My parent is ill and I had to leave my kid with their dad for a few days. He called a “platonic friend” that he used to date to come stay with him and look after the kid. I could have found kid a camp to stay in. Such a pathetic loser.

[Anonymous]

Who he leans on for favors is really up to him, unless you legit think it is putting your child in harm’s way.

You should try to get over him, to be in a less toxic place. It exacerbates your stress.

I am sorry about your parent.

[Anonymous]

And communicate your expectations more clearly, so you can choose the one you are most comfortable with (ie camp if he will have to reach out to others in his network for help).

[Anonymous]

I guess it's suboptimal in some ways but if the kid gets to hang out with his dad and gets quality time it's not really a huge issue if someone else is making meals and doing laundry.

[Anonymous]

So did you want him to call in sick to work or take last minute vacation time? Sorry not understanding why he's a pathetic loser

[Anonymous]

I can see both sides of this, as both a single parent, and as the bystander sibling to a very contentious divorce.

Leaving a kid with a friend when there are unexpected childcare needs is a reasonable thing to do. I have been called upon to watch friends' kids in these situation, and have called upon friends.

During parenting time, unless there is a specific clause that says otherwise, the parent who has the kids gets to choose how they spend their time, and who cares for them.

So, to me the question is, did you adjust parenting time, because of your needs, so that he took responsibility for the kid, in which case, yes he's allowed to solve any childcare issues that come up in any reasonable way, and asking a friend is a reasonable way.

OR, did you offer him time as a favor to him, because he'd asked for more time or because of ROFR, and then instead of using that time to visit, which is why you offered it, put the kid in childcare when you wish he'd simply told you he wasn't available to watch them. Because if that's the case, and you clearly communicated it to them (e.g. "I'm going to be with my mom on X date. I have found a great camp, that I know kid will love, but if you'd like more time you can have him") then yes, you have a reason to be upset.

[Anonymous]

Wait, you are calling him a looser for child care when the issue isn't child care, it's just you wanting to be able to choose the child care. Why is he using it? Did you allow him to have the kids last minute and he had to work? You sound pretty nasty. He is doing YOU a favor. Say thank you and be appreciative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And communicate your expectations more clearly, so you can choose the one you are most comfortable with (ie camp if he will have to reach out to others in his network for help).

He can choose on his time, she chooses on her time. She's trying to control him when nothing is unsafe about this situation. She just doesn't like it.

[Anonymous]

"...a “platonic friend” that he used to date"

There's the crux of OP's problem. Jealousy.

Can't stand that her child may be cared for by someone her ex may have had a romantic interest in, even if nothing came of it.

[Anonymous]

So it sounds like this isn’t a scheduled time for your child’s father. Aren’t you using him to take care of your child so that you can do something else? Does that make you a loser?

[Anonymous]

Why aren't you married to him, OP? You break up your child's home and then get upset because the child's own father does what he has to do to take care of the child, in your absence?

We're missing some important information that I think would explain your anger.

[Anonymous]

The only loser is OP

[Anonymous]

OP. I meant “using” as in manipulating her bc he cannot go two days without external validation and also refuses to do the job himself. He has a light schedule and could easily care for the kid himself this week but despite his constant protestations that he wants more time, when faced with it, he panics and calls the cavalry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. I meant “using” as in manipulating her bc he cannot go two days without external validation and also refuses to do the job himself. He has a light schedule and could easily care for the kid himself this week but despite his constant protestations that he wants more time, when faced with it, he panics and calls the cavalry.

What does this mean - he has a light schedule? What you are saying is he was working and needed child care. What you are saying is it was your schedule time. What you are saying is he was decent and took the kids last minute and needed child care while he worked. What you are staying is this woman was decent and agreed to care for your kids so you could take care of a family member alone without bringing them along. Why didn't you bring them if it were your parenting time or arrange child care if you knew you didn't like what he'd arrange? Sounds like no matter what he did, as a favor to you, you'd find fault with it and you are the problem.

Instead of complaint, get her a gift as a thank you for helping you out last minute. Next time bring your kids with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. I meant “using” as in manipulating her bc he cannot go two days without external validation and also refuses to do the job himself. He has a light schedule and could easily care for the kid himself this week but despite his constant protestations that he wants more time, when faced with it, he panics and calls the cavalry.

Okay, so he’s not Mr. Superdad. And maybe he was a crappy husband. You don’t have to be married to him and get to move on. Sitting in judgment of how he handles an unexpected change in schedule with his kid isn’t a good look on your nor a productive use of your energy. Instead of calling him a “pathetic loser,” try being happy that your kid gets to spend some time with her other parent and hopefully build a better connection.