My moms text to brother seem like slap on face

[Anonymous]

My brother is the golden child- although he never comes around my parents- ever- yet despite 20 years of never coming around he is golden.
We both live out of state.
So my parents are visiting at Xmas and looking to move here by my family… they are starting to need care.
Yet tonite in looking at my moms phone, I’m shocked to see her and my brother ripping on me- and she asks my brother for advice on everything- even asking him to weigh in on things I’ve said - like advice for them on their home etc. asking to weigh in on what I said.
I’m so hurt - but also feel like screw them- honestly if they feel like my brother is the all knowing person, they really should love my him.
Don’t I have the right to feel like it’s probably better they move near him??

[Anonymous]

Starting to need care and your parents are ungrateful and far prefer your brother? Do not encourage them to move to where you are. You need to discourage that ASAP. I would not make this visit a pleasant one and would actually confront her a day before they are going home. Make the visit end on a bad note.

Do your parents ever visit him?

[Anonymous]

It helps to see your family for who they really are. Adjust your priorities accordingly. I wouldn’t even have them visit again. Moving nearby is definitely never happening.

[Anonymous]

It seems like a slap in the face because it IS a slap in the face.
If they need help they can move by him. End of story. I would not tolerate that crap.

[Anonymous]

Girl. Don’t let them move by you. They don’t respect you. Now you know! Act accordingly

[Anonymous]

I’m not doubting you but just want to he sure they are ripping on you before you make tye sudden change of course?

[Anonymous]

You were .... snooping on your mom's phone? Are you 12?

[Anonymous]

OP I am also the daughter scapegoat with an elder brother who is Golden Child no matter how awful he behaves. I cut them all off 23 years ago so the joys of providing elder care for my mean spirited abusive parents could fall to the brother who got all the love.

There won’t be any reward here or in heaven for taking their abuse to the bitter end. I promise you it is exceedingly unlikely that you will ever get the apology and amends that you yearn for from them. As we learn in psych 101, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

Life is short. Love yourself and the people who love you back.

[Anonymous]

Why are you reading her messages?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You were .... snooping on your mom's phone? Are you 12?

That's what got me.

[Anonymous]

OP, if this is in keeping with how you have been treated with them, then do not encourage them to move near you. Start talking about how you and your spouse might be moving for work. Encourage them to move near your brother. Don’t get stuck with elder care for people who don’t care enough for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother is the golden child- although he never comes around my parents- ever- yet despite 20 years of never coming around he is golden.
We both live out of state.
So my parents are visiting at Xmas and looking to move here by my family… they are starting to need care.
Yet tonite in looking at my moms phone, I’m shocked to see her and my brother ripping on me- and she asks my brother for advice on everything- even asking him to weigh in on things I’ve said - like advice for them on their home etc. asking to weigh in on what I said.
I’m so hurt - but also feel like screw them- honestly if they feel like my brother is the all knowing person, they really should love my him.
Don’t I have the right to feel like it’s probably better they move near him??

Some questions that will help you get better advice/insight?

1. Define "ripping on you"?
2. Have you ever texted someone for advice on how to handle an interaction with a family member? If so, reflect on whether/how this is different?
3. Can you control where they move? Or rather can you control how you choose to engage with your mom?
4. Why were you looking at her texts? If it was without her knowledge/consent, have you ever sent a text that you would not like the subject to see? How is this different?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You were .... snooping on your mom's phone? Are you 12?

And thank goodness she did.
OP, this will help you avoid years of frustration.

[Anonymous]

Absence makes the heart grow fonder
AND
Familiarity breeds contempt.

The caregiving children are generally the most obedient, compliant ones and as a result, leave themselves open to all sorts of hectoring and criticism from their parents that the non-caregiving children, the ones with a more independent streak, would never tolerate. The parents feel they can abuse the caregiving, helpful ones, and they feel they have to ingratiate themselves with their more independent kids to receive help from them.

My husband is the golden child who lives abroad, far away from his family. My MIL worships him. She complains about her two other sons to him. Mind you, one of those two used to live with her and help her day in, day out, with her meds, and help her on walks, manage her appointments and therapy, etc... and that is exactly the one who gets criticized the most!

I've seen it in my own family too, OP. The one who is closest, most dutiful and submissive gets the bad rap (my aunts), and the one who swoops in to visit every few years is welcomed home like the prodigal son (my father).

So.

If they want to live near you, or with you, DO NOT LET THAT HAPPEN. On the contrary, please do your utmost to disengage and let your parent live close to the golden child. Let's see how they get on...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were .... snooping on your mom's phone? Are you 12?

And thank goodness she did.
OP, this will help you avoid years of frustration.

Do you advise that people in general look at messages that were not intended for them?
Can you think of a single time you have sent a text that you would not want someone else to see?