My moms text to brother seem like slap on face

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - can you give an example of how they are “ripping on you” Asking for a second opinion is valid. There is nothing wrong with saying “Layla thinks we should get a house with one bathroom, but I feel like we need two, what do you think”. Versus “Layla is giving us crazy advice, like always”

You may be reading more into the texts because you already feel like your parents like your brother more.

If the texts are truly insults, I fully support suggesting they move near your brother.

+1

Is it saying genuinely negative things about you, or talking about you? There is a difference…

[Anonymous]

Asking your brother for advice and being loving toward him is not “ripping on you”.

I so do not understand adults with this kind of baggage. Grow up. Your parents raised you. They are old. Any remotely decent person recognizes you have a duty to them, irrespective of your weird insecurities about a sibling.

[Anonymous]

Op here- I read text because I wondered how she was telling my brother about their visit and the independent living places we toured. I did want to see what they were saying about me. I confess to that.
A year ago, I helped her set up Uber and a text from my brother popped up while I was setting it up- critism of me- I was really caught off guard. So I could see text string she had sent to him first and it was asking him to weigh in on something about me. I was hurt but I know they favor him. They have him the executor of their estate- the power of attorney - etc. I accepted that as old school thinking about a son. Although we are equally accomplished professionally and personally.
But some other comments from him are entirely dismissive of me- and just unnecessary. So it is a sensitive issue. So I did want to see how she discussed this visit.
I’m literally helping them to tour retirement places- hosting them as we usually do for every holiday- he of course had only asked/ invited them for Xmas but once in 25 years.
So just hurts my feelings- but in more mature aspect, that’s not a situation I want- to help guide them and do the heavy lifting while my brother has critical analysis of everything I do based on her asking for his opinion!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here- I read text because I wondered how she was telling my brother about their visit and the independent living places we toured. I did want to see what they were saying about me. I confess to that.
A year ago, I helped her set up Uber and a text from my brother popped up while I was setting it up- critism of me- I was really caught off guard. So I could see text string she had sent to him first and it was asking him to weigh in on something about me. I was hurt but I know they favor him. They have him the executor of their estate- the power of attorney - etc. I accepted that as old school thinking about a son. Although we are equally accomplished professionally and personally.
But some other comments from him are entirely dismissive of me- and just unnecessary. So it is a sensitive issue. So I did want to see how she discussed this visit.
I’m literally helping them to tour retirement places- hosting them as we usually do for every holiday- he of course had only asked/ invited them for Xmas but once in 25 years.
So just hurts my feelings- but in more mature aspect, that’s not a situation I want- to help guide them and do the heavy lifting while my brother has critical analysis of everything I do based on her asking for his opinion!

But what did these texts actually say? As others have asked- are they talking about you or are they insulting you? There is a difference. I get that both can be hurtful. But one is a type of hurt that they are wrong for, and the other is a hurt you inflicted on yourself by snooping…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - can you give an example of how they are “ripping on you” Asking for a second opinion is valid. There is nothing wrong with saying “Layla thinks we should get a house with one bathroom, but I feel like we need two, what do you think”. Versus “Layla is giving us crazy advice, like always”

You may be reading more into the texts because you already feel like your parents like your brother more.

If the texts are truly insults, I fully support suggesting they move near your brother.

Quick example my mom thinks my dad has full on dementia - but i think he’s doing ok- he is starting to forget but most of the time terrific for 82. I flew out his last doctor apt and doctor gave 4 stars! I said “great I think you can rest at ease for bit”— and she and my brother have a text string criticizing me for that- really!! Why? He was saying “you know how she is… gets something in her head.” What?? What did I get in my head. I mean, why do you need to text each other about me at all on that! Thats minor- most are more critical. But why do mom and brother text behind my back about my view- ask me directly and we should all be working together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - can you give an example of how they are “ripping on you” Asking for a second opinion is valid. There is nothing wrong with saying “Layla thinks we should get a house with one bathroom, but I feel like we need two, what do you think”. Versus “Layla is giving us crazy advice, like always”

You may be reading more into the texts because you already feel like your parents like your brother more.

If the texts are truly insults, I fully support suggesting they move near your brother.

Quick example my mom thinks my dad has full on dementia - but i think he’s doing ok- he is starting to forget but most of the time terrific for 82. I flew out his last doctor apt and doctor gave 4 stars! I said “great I think you can rest at ease for bit”— and she and my brother have a text string criticizing me for that- really!! Why? He was saying “you know how she is… gets something in her head.” What?? What did I get in my head. I mean, why do you need to text each other about me at all on that! Thats minor- most are more critical. But why do mom and brother text behind my back about my view- ask me directly and we should all be working together.

Why are they moving close to you and not your brother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - can you give an example of how they are “ripping on you” Asking for a second opinion is valid. There is nothing wrong with saying “Layla thinks we should get a house with one bathroom, but I feel like we need two, what do you think”. Versus “Layla is giving us crazy advice, like always”

You may be reading more into the texts because you already feel like your parents like your brother more.

If the texts are truly insults, I fully support suggesting they move near your brother.

Quick example my mom thinks my dad has full on dementia - but i think he’s doing ok- he is starting to forget but most of the time terrific for 82. I flew out his last doctor apt and doctor gave 4 stars! I said “great I think you can rest at ease for bit”— and she and my brother have a text string criticizing me for that- really!! Why? He was saying “you know how she is… gets something in her head.” What?? What did I get in my head. I mean, why do you need to text each other about me at all on that! Thats minor- most are more critical. But why do mom and brother text behind my back about my view- ask me directly and we should all be working together.

TBH you sound like a diligent, caring daughter… and also a huge, drama queen high maintenance PITA.

[Anonymous]

I do think the car giver can easily be the one - as others stated- to be most criticized. For those afar, so easy to judge and so easy to be seen as golden at all things since arm chair quarterback.
My parents thought my brother was golden. Despite same situation where I was their care taker.
Then when my mother passed and my father saw first hand who was there to help, he completely changed his tune. Actually found out my brother was a physician stealing drugs- but I digress. Anyhow, my brother could do no wrong. I don’t understand parents who favor kids.

[Anonymous]

Of course you have the right to 'feel' whatever you want. But is that really your question? Don't you want to ask if we all think you should suggest and ensure they move next to him? The answer is yes, of course.

I'd find a way to 'help her' on her phone again... at a time when you see she has been texting... so that you can just see them, read them, act shocked and bring this to a head once and for all. But then, I like to be direct; it's easier and more respectful to everyone involved.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you 3 all cross boundaries—your mom and brother are gossips, you look at their private messages not meant for you. My family of origin gossip also and it would be impossible to get them to stop talking behind my back.

So you should know the gossip is not likely to stop if they move near you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were .... snooping on your mom's phone? Are you 12?

And thank goodness she did.
OP, this will help you avoid years of frustration.

Do you advise that people in general look at messages that were not intended for them?
Can you think of a single time you have sent a text that you would not want someone else to see?

Give it a rest. This was for the best.

Not really answering, right?

You are saying that sometimes looking at people's communications without consent can be a good thing? So we should do it to learn more about the people in our lives?

I’m the one who wrote the original post you’re responding to and you can flame on all you want- don’t care. In this specific circumstance, it is good OP knows what’s going on. I don’t know how their family operates or why OP was checking her mother’s phone. I’m glad she knows.

[Anonymous]

OP, you stepped up to take care of your parents because you know what is coming as they are getting older. They don't have a choice because the golden child doesn't want to take that responsibility. The fact is, they have that mentality that the son is better than the daughter. Or they had never have faith in you. And the son doesn't care as much as you or the parents want.

You need to have an open discussion with all members and discuss what is expected from everyone, preferably in person. And also ask your parents what they want. And tell them what you can offer. Taking care of elderly parents is a huge responsibility and alot of stress. I predict 100% the golden child can not pull the same weight as you. You need to decide if you want all the stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - can you give an example of how they are “ripping on you” Asking for a second opinion is valid. There is nothing wrong with saying “Layla thinks we should get a house with one bathroom, but I feel like we need two, what do you think”. Versus “Layla is giving us crazy advice, like always”

You may be reading more into the texts because you already feel like your parents like your brother more.

If the texts are truly insults, I fully support suggesting they move near your brother.

Quick example my mom thinks my dad has full on dementia - but i think he’s doing ok- he is starting to forget but most of the time terrific for 82. I flew out his last doctor apt and doctor gave 4 stars! I said “great I think you can rest at ease for bit”— and she and my brother have a text string criticizing me for that- really!! Why? He was saying “you know how she is… gets something in her head.” What?? What did I get in my head. I mean, why do you need to text each other about me at all on that! Thats minor- most are more critical. But why do mom and brother text behind my back about my view- ask me directly and we should all be working together.

TBH you sound like a diligent, caring daughter… and also a huge, drama queen high maintenance PITA.

NP. Why do the parents want to move near her then? They want to use her for her positive traits while putting her down for her negative ones. They need to accept their daughter for who she is or go near the son.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP, this all sounds dysfunctional.
I would guess your brother criticizes your actions so he can have a leg up on you with mom. And mom wants to be close to your brother, since he clearly isn't, and so initiates and or is willing to engage in these conversations which give some pseudo intimacy because they're in cahoots against you

I don't know if it helps but deep down, your mother knows you're the reliable one. However I agree with others-she doesn't respect the relationship she has with you. She takes you for granted. Everything you do is expected. She is also seems weak - still trying to win son's affections, doesn't seem to call him out for the infrequent visits etc.

Caring for aging parents is a major major PITA. It will not be gratifying. If you are looking for respect from your mom, it will not be coming. You can still decide to be the caregiver, but understand it will come with no appreciation and you will probably always been seen as a door mat.

Decide if you have the emotional energy and finances to support your aging parents or not. Do not feel obligated. Choose whether you want to take on this thankless role or not.

[Anonymous]

Given your feeling of entitlement to read all your mothers text and to be privy to all conversations she had and to know what she tells your brother, you have no leg to stand on to complain about anyone. You are no bette than any of them. It’s normal for people in families to talk about other people in the family and given your complete lack of boundaries and lack of respect for your mother of course they will talk about you. We talk about the people in our family too with poor boundaries.